Mother refuses counseling

[bekind]

Mother with BPD traits lives with us after having been evicted from long term rental due to landlord wanting to remodel.  She refuses counseling.  We've told her she needs to get counseling for displacement/depression or she will need to find another place to live.  We are all in counseling.  She is saying she will live in her car.  IMO anyone who would choose to live in their car to avoid counseling really needs counseling. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi bekinds,

It must be very frustrating for you that your BPD mom is being so stubborn. If it’s any consolation her response is probably the most common for someone of age with BPD. Central to their defence mechanism is a belief that there is nothing wrong with them. My NPD bro lost his job because he would not go to anger management classes – they must win at all costs, even if that causes their own destruction.

We can’t change them, but we can change ourselves. So assuming your BPD mom is similar to most, what would be best for you in all of this ?

[Kwamina]

Hi bekind

Living with a BPD mom can definitely be quite challenging. How long has your mother been living with you now after being evicted from her own home?

It is unfortunate that your mother refuses counseling. Do you feel that she does at least acknowledge or is open to the possibility that she might have certain issues?

You mention she needs to get counseling for displacement/depression. What would you say are the most significant BPD-traits your mother exhibits?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[bekind]

Hi again,

The traits I've noticed in my mother seem to be a blend of NPD and BPD -- fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, abandoning and rejecting her son (my brother), splitting, depression, a marked sense of entitlement, feelings of emptiness.  Because I am suspicious that I also may have BPD, it is really important for me to work on the old habits and patterns that have gone unchecked for half a century.  Mom's MO is non-communication right now and that's really frustrating! 

I honestly don't know what she believes about herself and issues she may have.  I am not a doctor so I would never accuse her (to her face at least) of being BPD and God forbid she ever find out I believe I may have it too.   I believe she might feel that the problem is all me, when I really feel that the problem is miscommunication, misinterpretation, and a history of dysfunction on both of our parts.

She has lived with us for 6 months.  She has now shut herself in downstairs in the basement.  The rare times I venture down there she is crying.  Any communication ends in (what I feel is) vitriol from her end.  I let her know I am going to leave and go back upstairs (to which she is welcome anytime) and she says "don't leave me alone, I'm lonely" but I don't want to deal with her venom and I don't feel I *should* have to deal with it.  Ugh.

[Kwamina]

Hi again bekind

I think it is quite understandable that you don't want to deal with verbal abuse and are trying to shield yourself from your mother's behavior. Being verbally abused is very unpleasant and the fact that it's your own mother doing it, only makes it even worse.

You are also concerned that you might have BPD as well. What are the traits you notice in yourself that lead you to believe you might have BPD?

Many children of BPD parents notice in their adult lives that they have certain BPD-like traits. This doesn't necessarily have to mean you also have BPD, often it are learned unhealthy behaviors we picked up from our disordered parent. Or coping mechanisms that might have served us well during our childhood but might not be so constructive now that we are adults. Fortunately the learned unhealthy behaviors and developed coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed. We have a thread here about this topic:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

The fact that you acknowledge your issues and are reaching out for support and advice already sets you apart from your mother, regardless of whether you have BPD or not.

Take care

[bekind]

Hi Kwamina,

Some BPD behaviors I've recognized in myself include depression not responsive to meds, panic disorder/anxiety disorder, irritability,  binging/purging (and dissociation), risky behavior (many one night stands), impulsivity, never really knowing what I wanted to do with my life (I've Pursued majors in everything from physical fitness to marketing to nursing), adverse to change, inflexibility, mood swings, intense and short-lived (3 month) relationships, etc.  I remember as a child having recurrent dreams of my mother and brother running from me in a field, me trying to scream and nothing coming out.  I've also had a recurring theme of giving a great first impression until people get to know me, as well as peers intentionally ignoring me because I was obnoxiously seeking attention.  

Mom claims that she doesn't feel like she is part of the family, even though my husband and I have done all we can think of to make her feel welcome.  Heck, she is living with us.  I am wondering if this is a way she can "flip the tables" so to speak, a form of manipulation?  Again, she has lived here for six months and we have turned blue in the face telling her the main floor is for everyone (family), food in refrigerator is for everyone, etc.  I am beginning to feel defensive that she doesn't feel a part of the family, and I try to not take it personally, but we can only tell her so many times that she really is our family.  The stairs go both ways.  I'm just very frustrated I suppose.

[Kwamina]

I am beginning to feel defensive that she doesn't feel a part of the family, and I try to not take it personally, but we can only tell her so many times that she really is our family.  The stairs go both ways.  I'm just very frustrated I suppose.

This indeed very likely has nothing to do with you at all. Not taking things personally can be difficult though when it's your own mother saying these things. Her words and actions stem for her distorted thinking. As irrational as it may seem, it could be that in her own mind the things she says make perfect sense as a result of her distorted perception of reality. I understand your frustration, perhaps this can help:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature ... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

We have certain techniques on this site that might help you deal better with your mother's false accusations and problematic communication style:

How to stop circular arguments

Responding to hostile communications (originally developed for written communication but also helpful for other forms of communication)

To help you heal and deal with your own issues, I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide helps take you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. This healing process isn't necessarily linear though, often members will find themselves working on several steps simultaneously and revisiting steps they had previously worked on. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now?

[bekind]

How to stop circular arguments

Responding to hostile communications (originally developed for written communication but also helpful for other forms of communication)

To help you heal and deal with your own issues, I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide helps take you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. This healing process isn't necessarily linear though, often members will find themselves working on several steps simultaneously and revisiting steps they had previously worked on. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now?

These links are very helpful, thank you so much Kwamina

[Kwamina]

You're welcome!