next steps

[ohiojayhawk]

OK here goes:

Just found this website so have decided to seek confirmation of what I perceive as my wife's BPD condition.  Here's a brief background:

*Married for almost 25 years

*Two kids (21 daughter and 12 yr old adopted son)

*Wife was parented by legalistic parents who guilted her (and her sisters) into compliance.

*Wife's mother was likely the victim of sexual abuse.  I suspect very little emotional bonding (nurturing) happened between my wife and her mother.

*Wife has difficulty with developing friendships with friends our own age.  She relies heavily on me to be the lead in any type of communication with others.

*She does not trust others.

*Extremely critical of us (especially me) and most people in general.

*Constant blaming.  Always accusing me of blaming her and she constantly blames me. 

*She always the victim.

*Always has a short fuse.

*Driving a car with her is an exercise in futility as she yells and screams that I'm risking her life by the way I drive (believe me I'm a good driver). 

*Yelling is her form of communication as she advises that she is trying to be heard.

*Has alienated our daughter as she tries to control and guilt her into compliance.

*We have adopted our son at age 6.  Now at age 12, he and my wife and in constant battles as she has no ability to love and nurture.

*She's NOT a risk taker or compulsive in any way which flies in the face of BPD behavior.

*Daughter is in college (13 hours away) and won't return home due to the pain inflicted by her mother.  She calls college her safe place.

*I have had to develop "fire walls" to save my kids from her mean-spirited behavior. 

*I have become the "mom" and the dad in their lives to provide the nurturing they need and advise that mom is broken and we need to try to not light the fuse and be respectful even in the midst of her temporary insane moments.

*She's expressed suicidal tendencies and wishes she were dead as she can't take her current life anymore.

*Some days are worse than others.  This is one of the days.

*We've seen two counselors and when they begin to get into her issues, she opts out as she doesn't believe she has any problems.

*I'm not perfect and I'm sure I've contributed to this mess.

Any thoughts on how to get help for her?  At what point do I remove my son from this atmosphere to avoid getting him even more messed up than he was before he came to be part of our family?  Only to be faced with a potential suicide of my wife... .

Thanks for the advice.

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[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome, ohiojayhawk!

Whew, you've got a lot to deal with. I've got a few answers for your questions.

1. This all sounds consistent with BPD, including the lack of risk-taking behavior. Not all pwBPD are the same. That said, I'm not a clinician, and if I was, I couldn't diagnose anybody based on a description from a third party.

What is more important is that these traits match BPD well enough that the tools and lessons you will find here in this community should help you better deal with her, whether it actually is BPD or not.

2. Getting her to get and accept professional help is difficult, and getting her to keep trying is too.

3. When do you remove your son? That's a really tough question. If her r/s with the son isn't rapidly changing, I'd suggest you sit on that choice for a bit longer.

Let me ask you some questions.

What kind of support do you have for yourself? Do you have family members or friends you can trust and talk to?

How long have you suspected BPD?

Have you read any of the Lessons here? This link is the full list of them:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.0


And last, and most important... .you mention suicidal tendencies and thoughts... .

Is this ongoing, or is it occasional? And most importantly, is it happening now, or happening more now?