Struggling with BPD husband

[Parisienne]

Hello , I have arrived at this forum after scouring the Internet for information about BPD . My husband has been diagnosed which is both a relief ... .I was starting to question what is normal and a disappointment . The Dr says it is an uphill struggle to deal with this . The man I married no longer exists and I feel stupid for not realising sooner and for putting up with anger, verbal abuse , blame or the silent treatment . His moods can change in the blink of an eye , one minute planning to go out and then behaving like a toddler if I make an alternative suggestion about where to go . My eyes still well up with tears when he snaps at me for no reason even though I know it is an illness . I have been shouted at for putting a tea bag in the wrong place , reading that back it sounds so stupid yet at the time I almost believed this was normal ! I feel unheard. , misunderstood ( you can't disagree with him) and I don't know how to move forwards . He once didn't speak to me for 2 weeks because he had lost his glasses . He thinks that he is beyond reproach and that everyone else is wrong and what really hurts is that he treats me like rubbish and can be charming to others . How does anyone else cope ?

Y

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Parisienne]

The more I read the more I believe that the relationship with my BPD husband is over . He said all the wonderful things which I believed and after 6 months of marriage it turned to anger and verbal abuse .

I don't know how I can go on but I know that he will blame me for everything . I feel so unheard .

[waverider]

Do you feel like you are grieving a lost dream?

Do you believe the dream is an impossible dream or just stuck on the wrong track?

[waverider]

Welcome parisienne

you will find your story is similar to many here, we can help you make sense of this and help with your confused sense of normality.

A lot will be revealed once you come to realize why you were attracted by these words in the first place. in otherwords why where you vulnerable to this.

waverider

[Leena]

Hi Parisienne,

I totally understand and although I am not sure what I can say to help. My uBPDh is much the same. However, you are lucky in a way he has been diagnosed by a professional. Even though he probably doesn't believe the diagnosis much of the time. You may both individually and collectively through therapy be able to find a way to get through this. You are very early on in your marriage.

I hope for you there is a way forward if you want there to be.

[Herodias]

So sorry... .I was with my husband for 9 years... .married 7 and this last year separated. I feel that once I learned what he had, the behavior got worse. Is he willing to go to therapy? It may help- mine wouldn't stick with it. Said it wasn't any help but he was never honest with them. I tried everything from ignoring him, which made him in my face more... .to responding, but made him mad. It's like you are damned if you do-damned if you don't. You have to act like a parent, with out over acting like one! I heard of one woman that took to watching the Nanny and it helped her with her husband. Mine likes to be coddled and always treated like a prince, even when he doesn't act like one. I gave in to most of his demands and all it got me was cheated on over and over... .I don't know what to tell you, but learn what you can. It's hard to be with them, but it's hard not to be either... .It just depends on what you can handle and having boundaries. Good luck...

[Bpdsupporter]

I feel your pain. I was in your same space. First and foremost you will have to get some self care and healing for yourself. For me I had to become a spiritually grounded person. I got a book called the power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian. This book of prayers began to revolutionize my relationship with my man who has BPD. See prayer will help heal you and then it will also began to heal your relationship and develop empathy in you.

In order to maintain a healthy relationship with someone with BPD you have to learn empathy first validation and active listening. These are things you just have to learn. It's not easy but it will help you tremendously get through.

It will.always be a battle and here is the hard truth. He is not the one who can change. You have to change and grow. And that's hard to do when your so hurt and crushed by a BPD. So it's challenging but I can't stress enough how prayer, empathy, validation and active listening skills has healed me and made my relationship so much better with my BPD. It takes alot of patience too. Its a tall order I know but this is what it takes. Remember those vows for better or worse. All marriages have trials and one with a BPD can be a nightmare. I'll keep you in my prayers. And research and practice these skills.

Also stay healthy. Give up alcohol caffenine any drugs. Eat foods that promote mental health like pumpkin seeds, ginger, b vitimins l

Etc. Taking care of yourself and making sure he gets healthy works wonders too. My BPD and I both take inositol(vitimin b8) has been helping us both with anxiety. You can get it at most health food stores. He loves pumpkin seeds too they help with depression.

All in all if you focus on taking care of your mental health, your emotional health it will better equip you to deal with your BPD husband.  

Good luck honey... .I know you love him. Give these things a try. They are really working for me. Peace

[Bpdsupporter]

BOOK: Loving Somewone with Borderline Personality Disorder Shari Manning

Also get this book! It's a wealth of information. Very practical and there are so many great YouTube videos about BPD. And videos from Bpds in their own words about their experience. The more your informed and equipped about this illness the better.

[Mummyfixit]

Hi, *hugs*

The workshops and tools here are great. Read walking on eggshells and when hope is not enough, I found them very helpful. As said above, your perceptions, attitudes and responses need to change. It is bloody hard work and, until you get use to the tools, quite stressful.