Something about Borderlines...

[Itstopsnow]

So I've been NC since November 11th. At times I feel better other times I feel so bad. But I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction. This guy was a severe BPD. Sometimes I get so mad and want justice for the lies he did to me, the church, and countless others. But I then remembered one time when we were fighting. He ran out of the room. It was earlier on in our relationship. Maybe 8 months in. I followed him. I wanted to talk. I saw him rushing off in the other direction. He didn't know I came out to talk to him.

It was such an awkward site. His arms were Widly swinging at his side, his face looked like a grimace and full of anxieties. His walk was that almost like a child. Clumsy, fast, awkward. I felt immediately sorry for him. Later he explained he needed time to cool off. Which now I see as a positive thing. But he became so violatile that he would rage rather than walk away. My point of sharing this was ... .I realize how sick he was. His harm to me. At times I'm sure he justified it. And enjoyed it. It wasn't deliberate. It was his way of perserving himself. Whether it was a destructive way or not. I try to remember to not get so bitter! These people are mentally ill. It's hard to maintain this concept of them. But I think the more we realize what they did they did for themselves to get by in this life, not to just hurt us and cheat on us. I think if we can keep a healthy remembrance of that. We can detach and heal better! I'm not saying be a door mat, or their friend . Because on the contrary , I don't think staying friends at all is wise or a good thing to do. But letting go without wishing them malice or being bitter is a better way to heal, cope and move on. Any thoughts?' Or things to be added? 

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

What helps me is to realise that these people are not just mentally ill, they are brain damaged. It helps to make sense of it alongside feel some compassion for their sad situation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey ISN-

But letting go without wishing them malice or being bitter is a better way to heal, cope and move on. Any thoughts?' Or things to be added?

 

It's great that you're reaching this stage, more peaceful yes?  Detaching from a relationship is a form of grieving, and there are stages to grieving, one of which is anger, and if we're angry, we should be angry, feel it all the way, the only way out is through, and anger is a normal response to abuse and disrespect, which most of us experienced in the relationship.  But the anger passes, maybe followed by depression, maybe not, and eventually acceptance emerges.  And once we learn about the disorder and understand better what a borderline faces and what a tough road they walk we can find some compassion for our exes, and not only that, be grateful for the experience because the pain we were in motivated us to learn and grow, the gift of the relationship.  Sounds like you're getting to that place?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I agree. I think the key here is understanding the difference between compassion and personal involvement.  You can have basic compassion for someone without taking on their problems as your burden, or making a commitment to fix a situation for them.  My ex's problems are certainly beyond my ability to fix or even help with, so I stay away, but that doesn't mean I don't feel compassion for his life situation and his lost potential.

[Herodias]

I keep remembering more horrible things as time goes by... .I don't think we can be friends- mine wanted to- even wanted to come back or have me be the aunt to his child to be! I'm too hurt and as they move on, it gets harder. I think mine is still mad at me for ending it, even though he is having a baby with someone else! He continues to accuse me of things and argue with me about anything and everything. If he doesn't like what I say he tells me to leave him alone that he'll charge me with harassment. I just am not able to be "nice" to someone who did me so wrong. I don't want to be friends with someone that sees me as the enemy and I'm afraid we all end up there. I bet they wonder why you would want to be after all they did as well and think less of you... .I think it opens you up for more craziness to deal with and more use and abuse.