End of my rope

[sadmama222]

My 18 daughter was diagnosed with BPD several months ago as she began college on a partial scholarship.  She was hospitalized 2 days in after a cutting incident in her dorm after a breakup with her boyfriend. She has since been kicked out for smoking pot in her dorm and has been on a downhill spiral ever since.  We have tried multiple times to get her therapy, I have read every book on the subject and gotten therapy myself.  We tried having her back in our home on multiple occasions, but she refuses to look for work, obey simply rules or comply with any structure in our home and only wants to sleep all day and then go out at night and party.  She curses at us and her sister, and wreaks havoc and chaos on our lives daily.  When confronted with her behavior, she runs or looks for an escape, lately having gone to Florida and LA to do porn.  We are just devastated and she seems to only act on her impulses with no concern for the consequences.  When she falls on her face and gets out of control, she tries to come back to us to "save" her.  She adamantly refuses therapy and says she doesn't need it and will never, ever go.  We have had to kick her out of our home for our own sanity and mental health and the health of our 16 year old daughter.  All attempts to provide support have failed, as she will not live up to her to her end of the bargain.  We know more than anything that she needs to get healthy, but she is unwilling and we are just wasting the therapist's time and our money and forcing the issue, which we know will never work.  I know we have not been consistent parents and had no idea that things were this bad or even what we were dealing with, but we must finally show her that her attempts at manipulating us will not get her what she needs this time.  We were loving, supportive parents.  She has loving, supportive grandparents.  We have a nice home and always tried to support her and realize she was an emotional child and deal with her accordingly.  She made good grades and since her senior year of high school and a few really hard breakups, she is just out of control!   It is so so hard on us, but she must learn that her actions have consequences and even as sick as she is, she must learn to find a way to survive in this world on her own.  I feel so hopeless... .does this ever, ever get any better?  So frustrated and heartbroken!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[8daysAweek]

Hey sadmama,

I understand why you are so frustrated and upset. It must be so hard to function in life around you when your D18 is acting so inappropriate. 

I'm so sorry she refuses therapy. It can be a very helpful experience in the life a someone with BPD.

Have you tried to get her to see a psychiatrist and get her to try some medication that would work for her? As someone with BPD, I know when I don't take my medicine I have a harder time making the right decisions and controlling my impulses.

When I moved away from the town I grew up in, I had a hard time finding a good psychiatrist that fully understood my situation and knew what I needed. Thankfully I have a very understanding doctor at the physician's clinic I go to and she prescribe medication that really helps my mental state and works well with my body.

Does your D18 see a family doctor? Maybe she would feel more comfortable talking to a General Practitioner about her issues than a mental health specialist.

I hope this helped

- 8days

[livednlearned]

Hi sadmama222,

Watching our kids suffer is so painful, and it can feel even more difficult when we feel helpless. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and getting therapy.

Does your D accept the diagnosis of BPD even if she will not agree to treatment? I'm curious, too, what you think about 8days suggestion to involve your D's family doctor? My son has a different relationship with me than he does with other adults, and sometimes he will be more open-minded to suggestions when it comes from other people.

I also recommend Understanding the Borderline Adolescent by Blaise Aguirre if you haven't already read it. He describes how we all try to get our needs met, and when someone is in an emotional crisis like your daughter may be, she will try to get those needs met even more so. What we experience as manipulation can often get blended with our own reluctance and resentment over the effort it takes to assert boundaries.

One other thing he recommends in the book is that if nothing else, learn to validate how your D is feeling. Boundaries are good for her, and so is validation that how she feels, even if you see it a different way, is understandable. Break-ups can be devastating and feel like the end of the world, no matter who we are.

[Debmark]

I think for you daughter to see  her general practitioner talk to her is great. I am going to mention that to my 24 year old daughter. She tells me all the time that she doesn't need therapy. She said that as long as she has a psychiatrist to prescribe her meds is enough. To go round and round all the time having no therapy is no longer an option. Some days I feel completely worn out. I'm not just dealing with my daughter and her issues my husband and I have been raising her 19 month old son who we have been caring for since he was born. We are in the final stages of adoption which will be final in May.

[sadmama222]

Thank you all for your comments and advice.  She was on Zoloft for anxiety (this was prescribed by her pediatrician already - this was the first place we went when her issues started right before leaving for college last fall) and was in DBT therapy with a therapist here (one of only 2 in our area), but she told the therapist she doesn't need therapy and she says she doesn't want to depend on medication and won't take it and refuses to admit there is even anything wrong that she needs help for.  She says she can treat herself.  We have tried and the therapist even told us you can't help someone who doesn't want therapy or think they need therapy.  Her downward spiral continues, as she is acting on impulse and making poor decisions and just looking to us when she falls to pick her back up because that is what we have done over the last few months.  At this point it is up to her and we would be willing to provide some assistance financially (but never having her live with us or a relationship with her) until she gets help and sticks with it.  I have even looked into getting her court-mandated therapy where the probate court insists that she go to therapy or will face legal consequences.  The therapist (who I and my 16 year old have also been seeing for support through this) said that we need to hold getting treatment for BPD as our leverage for ANY sort of support moving forward.  I still see this as being rejected by my BPD daughter because she becomes more and more stubborn when anyone ever attempts to force her to do anything and we all know human nature -  if we don't WANT to change, no one can FORCE us to.  Letting go and hoping that she will survive -- either way we are suffering but I must and will save myself, my husband and our other daughter. 

[Longing_For_Peace]

Sadmama,

I swear your daughter sounds exactly like ours. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. Our family, too, is at the end of what we can endure. We are even contemplating changing our phone numbers so she can't call us. She already knows that if she sets foot on our property, the police will be called. It's a horrible position we have all found ourselves in, and it hurts so much to have to think in terms of having to save ourselves because we can't save our children, but there is no glory in martyrdom.  My daughter has chosen drugs and a degenerate lifestyle over everyone in her life who cares about her. If she doesn't change her ways, there is no doubt in my mind that I will end up burying her, possibly even soon. The grief is crushing.

I'm glad you posted here and have sought support. The people here are the only ones who truly get it. You are not alone and I hope things are at least a bit better for you.

[Gorges]

Hello,

My daughter (turns 18 in a few weeks) sounds similar to yours.  However, my daughter did go to therapy and DBT groups and a psychiatrist for a good year and a half starting the end of her sophomore year and her entire junior year and I am not sure how much any of it helped.  The medication was tough.  She didn't react well to them.  SSRIs made her sick to her stomach and Wellbutrin made her even more mean and cruel thus affecting my mental health.  I sometimes feel that she would lie or omit her role in the family dynamics and the therapist (who was an expert in DBT) was so validating that is made her a bit more delusional about how poor her choices were.   I did not see her life move in a positive direction as a result of a very good therapists and psychiatrist.  My husband and I  did work with a therapist from a county mental health agency in order to get on the same page with limit setting and that was helpful to our marriage and sanity.  I am not sure it helped her in the short term, but at least she knows where we stood on things.

My point is that therapy and medication are a bit complicated and require the willingness of the participant to want to do the work and change.

I have not seen my daughter in about 3 months as we moved overseas (for just 6 months) and she stayed behind with my parents for a variety of reasons.  She has really become intrigued with astrology as a means to explain her struggles and to understand different personalities.  I say-whatever works !

We had a horrible time with her before we left.  She was involved in an attack on another girl and was charged with harassment.  She participated in this attack with another girl that we had banned from our house.  She was smoking pot and bringing it in our house.  She was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night on school nights.  She was skipping classes and failing some.  She really was a lost soul.   Since we have been gone she has had to participate in the court case (charges will be dropped if she stays out of trouble for 6 months); has moved away from her 'friends' to live with my parents and didn't get to participate in the 2nd half of her senior year of high school but also did not get to come to the awesome place we are now living in for the next couple of months.  She has had some positives like graduating and getting into college.  She has found a part-time job.  She wanted to live with us during college (she got into a good college in our home town and she will get free tuition) but we said that she had to live in a dorm.  She wanted to come visit us our last month here and then wants to live with us for the rest of the summer before college.  I have made it very clear (my husband is not as clear and limit setting as I am) that she cannot cause all the conflict and bring drugs into our house like she had been doing and that we would continue to search her stuff.  Thus, I suggested that she might not want to live with us this summer, but she said she did.

Being away from her and not getting bad news has been wonderful.  Her behavior can still be disappointing.  For example, she was still using social media inappropriately, but now I just do not look.   She did not show remorse regarding the court case and my parents expressed their disapproval and I did as well.

I am rambling a bit here but my point is that I have had 3 months where I am in a different country where most people do not speak English, our wifi connection in spotty and I have not been able to be too involved in her troubles and I feel really great.  I guess I sound like a bad mother but there is a lot of freedom in not constantly try to solve someone else's problem.  I feel such a sense of relief that she is 18 and I am no longer responsible. I

At this point I just accept that I cannot do anything except pray, set limits,  take care of myself so that I don't become crazy (and I have at times because of constant verbal abuse and physical threats).  I am glad that we have made it to 18.  If she wants help with certain things and can do the work required, I would help her but I just believe that you cannot help an 18 year old who does not want to be helped.

Even though I have had there reprieve, I know that there could still be tough times ahead.  She generally is better in the summer and fall and worse in the winter. But unwilling to take care of her mental health.  She has not demonstrated great study skills for me to truly believe that she will make it through college.   I just want to be able to remain disengaged and let her solve her problems even if that means she really needs to fall flat on her face.

One question  You said that your daughter was going to other states to do porn.  Is that really happening or just a threat? That would upset me, but I have no idea what my daughter is doing on-line and I am keeping my sanity by looking other other way.  Also, sometimes these kids will threaten crazy things to upset us.

[raytamtay3]

 :'( Your story resonates with me as I'm sure many others on here.  You are doing the best you can given what you are dealt with.  I just wanted to let you know that you are "heard" by another on here.