How long did it take for you guys to fully detached and heal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Getting close to 4 months of being broken up with and over a month of NC and I feel much better, but still in a weird place.

I can't figure out what a healthy relationship is anymore. I been dating someone new, but her just being there for me like my expwBPD (as is always there to talk to and communicate with) wasn't the same.

I always felt like my expwBPD took something from me and I don't what it was.  How long did it take for you guys to stop missing, caring, and thinking of your expwBPD?

[codes316]

Getting close to 4 months of being broken up with and over a month of NC and I feel much better, but still in a weird place.

I can't figure out what a healthy relationship is anymore. I been dating someone new, but her just being there for me like my expwBPD (as is always there to talk to and communicate with) wasn't the same.

I always felt like my expwBPD took something from me and I don't what it was.  How long did it take for you guys to stop missing, caring, and thinking of your expwBPD?

[once removed]

hi codes316 

healing is not a linear process. there are ups and downs of all sorts, really. maybe for example you feel mostly over it several months out, on a day to day basis, but then bad dreams or suppressed memories surface. in my experience four months is not a long time, though experiences may vary. i felt mostly 'there' after about a year, though i still had some anger and desire for "justice". i had also only scratched the surface on the work i needed to do on myself. do you feel theres work to be done?

I can't figure out what a healthy relationship is anymore.

you may find this useful: Characteristics of Healthy Relationships 

[Herodias]

I agree with once removed... .I can't figure out when I knew this was really over, but I would have to say August... .Even though We were making motions since last Jan. 2015. I knew it was done for sure and final in August. We are not divorced, so it's still tough. That will come around June or July. I have ups and downs... .It is just a slow process I would say. What feels good is when you know that you don't want to be back in it. It is still tough for me not liking the adea of being divorced. But divorcing someone so mean to me is very important for my well being. I wasn't living before... .I was merely surviving. Missing the good stuff takes a long time... .remembering the bad keeps popping up. I am dreaming about him allot more lately. I don;t know why. Someone told me it is my sub-conscience dealing with what happened.

[steelwork]

I'm about 16 months out. I guess it depends on so much. Well, that goes without saying. But I honestly don't think I'll ever be truly over the r/s in the sense of it not mattering anymore. It will always matter. This may be just me, though. I have a problem with "complicated grief" in general. For instance, my father died over 35 years ago, and I still have moments of very raw grief about that. I honestly never felt more than a few days' grief over any other romantic relationship. This is more like my father dying.

[Invictus01]

A year, maybe 14 months.

[MapleBob]

My most recent one? I'll let you know when it happens! 

But the first relationship I had with a disordered individual, it took a few years to fully detach and heal, maybe a year to be "okay" and stable with the estrangement. That was all probably prolonged by getting back together to try again a couple times.

[SES]

My ex declared her intention to leave me for her affair partner 18 months ago. Some days are ok. Others are hard... I often have dreams that are disturbing, I've had depression since finding out, and I feel anxious and stressed when I think about some of the things she did.  My sister died a few years ago... .that had been the toughest thing I faced... .but has been topped by this.  On top of that I struggle with the knowledge that I'm not sure if I'll ever develop a close relationship again... .as I don't think I would trust anyone.  But... .bear in mimd this isn't one of my good days. It has become easier... .detaching to the point of only communicating re kids by email has helped me.a lot.

[Herodias]

SES, I feel like you do... .wondering if there will even be another relationship. I can't even imagine it! I am having a bad day today myself. I don;t understand how you can go along so well and then suddenly I am all upset! Sorry on the loss of your sister. That would be very hard. I have been having lots of dreams myself. Sometimes I want to contact all of his flings and find out what happened... .other times I think, no- what would that lead to- maybe more heartbreak. It's bad enough imagining he is so much happier having child with someone, when we could not. I feel so sad today... .I have great days and then terrible days. I feel pathetic.  :'(

[codes316]

Wow, I guess we all are having a bad day. I definitely resonate with all of you. I honestly just started seeing someone and its hard figuring out what a normal relationship is with someone. To be honest, sometimes I miss the old aspects of my relationship with my exBPD.  I really do believe that if we work on ourselves every day the right person will come along and make us forget about our past.

[BorisAcusio]

Well, 16 months out and still thinking about her every day.

[steelwork]

Would those who feel fully detached be here reading and posting? I guess moderators would. So whaddaya say, moderators? How long did it take you?

[Feelinstronger]

It has been three months since he ended our relationship of five years.  Three months of NC.  He has called and texted a few times to discuss separating financial entanglements.  I do not pick up but answer via letter in the US MAIL.

He has texted that he wanted to return my car & house keys in person and asking if we can stay friends.

I am the one who NEEDS NC.  I am only starting to feel normal and not broken.  WHY on earth would I try to be friends with someone I was intimate with for 5 years who then treated me like public enemy number one?

Tonight m be tough - I am having dinner with his adult daughter after she reached out to me.  I loved the whole family, so I was happy she reached out.  However I wont be surprised if I break down.  I still cry frequently.

No new dates, new anything.  No opportunities, and no real interest. Still sad.

Hang in there and take good care of your heart, my friend.

[bunny4523]

I think everyone is different.  I had kids from a previous relationship and I used "protecting" them as a way to snap out of it and detach.  Kind of like, I could drag myself through all this stuff but I wouldn't do it to my kids.  I still have anger and anxiety but I don't miss him at all.  I think I cheated and started my grieving process while we were still together, did all my crying then so it took me about 5-6 months.  I've had enough heart breaks though... .so plenty of practice.  Sad, but true and I know I will be ok in time. I do the "weaning" process rather than "cold turkey".    This was one of the hardest breakups because of all the mean things that were said and done to me.  He left me feeling devalued and dismissed.  I'm not used to that.  I'm more of a "we are both good people but are not good together" kind of a break up person.  I don't wait like to wait till we hate each others guts, I try to salvage a friendship... .which again is not the norm for a ex partner with BPD.  

[steelwork]

So, Bunny, you're detached and healed now?

[bunny4523]

@STEELWORK

I'm definately detached but still healing. I work with my ex BPD partner so the healing process is slower.  Actually... .maybe it speeds it up because of the constant day to day reminder of the negative things he did to me.  I guess it depends on how we define the word detached.  I have no feelings left for him, no desire to be with him, no fond memories I think about.  But I do have nightmares about still being in it so I would say I'm still attached to the trauma of the experience... .

 

[steelwork]

@STEELWORK

I'm definately detached but still healing. I work with my ex BPD partner so the healing process is slower.  Actually... .maybe it speeds it up because of the constant day to day reminder of the negative things he did to me.  I guess it depends on how we define the word detached.  I have no feelings left for him, no desire to be with him, no fond memories I think about.  But I do have nightmares about still being in it so I would say I'm still attached to the trauma of the experience... .

 

Right... .and btw I am also someone who does not usually have bad breakups.

In fact, the only other bad breakup I've had was 33 years ago, when I was 17. I was living with the guy--not in his room but in a big group house, and we were an item when I moved in. I got pregnant. He lost interest in me and started bringing other girls home. It was really bad. I had an abortion, which I had to borrow money for, and he didn't even take me to get it, even though he had a car. Come to think of it, it was pretty much like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, except nastier.

So, how long did it take me to detach? Actually, not long. Within a month or two I wanted nothing more to do with him--not even revenge. Now ask me how long it took to heal. Answer: still working on it.