My Ex Makes Me Throw Up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I originally posted this in the Personal Inventory forum because I wanted to do some self reflection.

I am posting here to see if others have become physically ill in the presence of their ex or stbx.

This past weekend, the kids and I invited him to join us at my family's Easter gathering. It was okay for the most part. The festivities were over early (2ish) so we went home and invited him over to have Easter dinner with us. During dinner, I became nauseous and had to excuse myself. I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing up and taking a shower. I went and hid in my room so he could hang out with the kids. At some point, I went and asked him to leave. After he left and I had verified that he was gone, I miraculously felt better and was really hungry. I have never had that kind of reaction to being in his presence. It freaked me out. I have to coparent with him so I have to figure out how minimize contact and NOT get sick.

[vortex of confusion]

I originally posted this in the Personal Inventory forum because I wanted to do some self reflection.

I am posting here to see if others have become physically ill in the presence of their ex or stbx.

This past weekend, the kids and I invited him to join us at my family's Easter gathering. It was okay for the most part. The festivities were over early (2ish) so we went home and invited him over to have Easter dinner with us. During dinner, I became nauseous and had to excuse myself. I ended up going to the bathroom and throwing up and taking a shower. I went and hid in my room so he could hang out with the kids. At some point, I went and asked him to leave. After he left and I had verified that he was gone, I miraculously felt better and was really hungry. I have never had that kind of reaction to being in his presence. It freaked me out. I have to coparent with him so I have to figure out how minimize contact and NOT get sick.

[JerryRG]

Hey vortex I had the same reaction to my exBPD, she was so vulgar and used the f word in every sentence, she used to talk about her body in the most disgusting ways. TMI for me. I didn't realize it when I was with her, trying my best to overlook her behavior thinking she will change into this sweet princess on day because I was soo good to her. HAHA

Anyway yes, I always had this sense of dread around her that did make me sick and sometimes nauseated. Speaks more to my ability to live in denial and my comfort living in disorder and chaos and issues about accepting unacceptable behavior simply because... .

Don't fully understand why I stayed, don't matter, point is I am out now, God help me if I am ever weak enough to go back or find someone like her.

[vortex of confusion]

Hey vortex I had the same reaction to my exBPD, she was so vulgar and used the f word in every sentence, she used to talk about her body in the most disgusting ways. TMI for me. I didn't realize it when I was with her, trying my best to overlook her behavior thinking she will change into this sweet princess on day because I was soo good to her. HAHA

Anyway yes, I always had this sense of dread around her that did make me sick and sometimes nauseated. Speaks more to my ability to live in denial and my comfort living in disorder and chaos and issues about accepting unacceptable behavior simply because... .

Don't fully understand why I stayed, don't matter, point is I am out now, God help me if I am ever weak enough to go back or find someone like her.

Very true about the ability to live in denial. After having him out of the house for three weeks, his self centered behaviors were glaringly obvious. At the dinner table, he didn't ask the kids (or me) about how we were doing. He didn't really seem to care about what we had been doing or how we had been doing. It was all about him and where he is living and his roommate.

It also didn't help that earlier in the day he had to show me a picture of some chick that he had been texting. I still have NO friggin' idea why he would show it to me and say, "This is so and so." She was some chick he knew from when he was younger. I don't remember if they dated or he just had a crush on her. Several years ago, they friended each other on FB. I threw a bit of a fit about how he had all of these exes on there. Plus, I did snoop and I saw that the conversations that he was having with some of them reeked of flirting or the potential for flirting. He is a sex addict for crying out load. I thought I was perfectly justified in asking him NOT to have all of these female friends that were ex crushes/flings/etc. I made a snarky remark about how my intuition about the two of them a couple of years ago must have been accurate. He started going on about how he hadn't heard from her since he unfriended her and that she contacted him out of the blue the day he got back to town. It all sounded like a bunch of hogwash. I walked off and didn't respond.

[JerryRG]

Yes it's the same sick games they play, pushing our buttons to get a response, My ex was a master at this and I was naïve enough to buy into any of it. I watched a video on complex PTSD and think because I grew up with a narcissist mother and alcoholic father so I believe I subconsciously overlook the obvious. Being mind controlled by a narc and then a pwBPD is just part of who I am (was)  I am still in a FOG but 4 months NC has allowed me some time to think. These forums are so wonderful and helpful.

I cannot be blamed for what I don't know, I can only move forward and work on myself, and maybe help others through this too? I asked my daughter once, why does my ex hurt me? She said, because she can... .

My work is to stop allowing myself to take the bate, punches and mistreatment personally and realize only sick hurting people deliberately hurt others, and only truly sick individuals hurt the ones that love them and care for them.

Thanks again vortex

[vortex of confusion]

My work is to stop allowing myself to take the bate, punches and mistreatment personally and realize only sick hurting people deliberately hurt others, and only truly sick individuals hurt the ones that love them and care for them.

Maybe I am giving him too much credit. I don't think he deliberately hurts others. I think he is just that clueless. He is like a little kid that wants to talk about himself. His mannerisms and the way he approaches life is so much like a little kid. Just today, he texted me and asked me if he should buy the parts to fix his van. The one time we went to counseling together, the counselor told me to stop mothering him and she told him that he needed to grow up. Even when I try to refuse to mother him, he comes to me like a little kid wanting me to approve what he is doing or ask me to make the decisions. It is so very painful. It makes me sick to think that I have been with him for almost 18 years and am just now seeing some of this stuff.

I am certain that he was NOT this way when we were dating and got married. Our oldest has repeatedly commented on how much dad has changed and how sad she is that her little sisters probably won't get to know dad as he was when she was younger. She is almost 15 now. Because he used to be so different, I held onto hope that maybe some day he would go back to being like he used to be. Somewhere along the way, some kind of switch got flipped and I kept holding onto hope that things would change.

[JerryRG]

I just watched part of Dr Phil, the child he had on was 12? 14? She tried killing her younger siblings and she's so adorable and sweet. Kinda reminds me of my ex so immature like yours but still no excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

The child on Dr Phil, definitely brain damage and I've heard pwBPD are wired differently. My exs mother told me she was different than the rest of us, oh how true.

[Tobiasfunke]

Hi vortex, I know the feeling. I had to do the taxes with my ex last week. Got there a little early waiting. When she finally arrived I get hot, flush, sweating heart pounding sick to my stomach "stomach attack" I believe u said. Sucks. I don't want to feel like that ever. It's like a natural reaction. Like blinking or reflex test and u kick out. I have to see this person and interact with her for many more years. I hope it goes away gradually or just stops one day. U r not alone with those feelings. What's worse is I know it didn't bother her in the least. This person was once my life and now I can't be in the same room with her it's like an allergic reaction.

[vortex of confusion]

What's worse is I know it didn't bother her in the least. This person was once my life and now I can't be in the same room with her it's like an allergic reaction.

It is amazing how they don't react. When I was sick and asked him to leave, he was more concerned about himself than me. He told the kids that I was making him leave. And he started in on, "What did I do wrong?" I didn't respond. I just said, "Goodbye."

"An allergic reaction" I love that description. That is very much what it felt like. His self centeredness is so difficult to take, especially since he has been gone and the kids and I have actually been able to have discussions that he didn't dominate and make about him.

[C.Stein]

His self centeredness is so difficult to take, especially since he has been gone and the kids and I have actually been able to have discussions that he didn't dominate and make about him.

With difficult people in my life that I am required to interact with I just accept that is who they are.  This allows me to not really be bothered by their behavior ... .it is just them being them.  Since you must interact with your ex perhaps you can try doing this.  He is self-centered, you know this and if you can just accept that this is who he is it probably won't bother you anymore.   

[troisette]

I had an informal friendship with my ex for a few weeks before we had our first date. On the day of the date I couldn't stop throwing up with hot and cold sweats and had to cancel.

When I look back I think it was my subconscious warning me about red flags that I had blanked.

[vortex of confusion]

With difficult people in my life that I am required to interact with I just accept that is who they are.  This allows me to not really be bothered by their behavior ... .it is just them being them.  Since you must interact with your ex perhaps you can try doing this.  He is self-centered, you know this and if you can just accept that this is who he is it probably won't bother you anymore.   

I think there is more to it than me not accepting him for who he is. He wasn't doing anything unusual or weird when I started feeling ill. I think that is why I posted about it. I was shocked at my own reaction. It felt more like some kind of trauma response rather than me being a jerk that refuses to accept him for who he is.

[blissful_camper]

I had a reaction similar to yours. I'd reached my limit and my body was demanding that I extricate myself. The stress had converted itself to nausea.