Travel & dysregulation

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I have been trying to practice the skills by reading the lessons as much as I can. We had been pretty steady for sometime now... .And now we're travelling and visiting another country(country 1) since uBPDH is here for a business visit. He invited us (me & 5 year old daughter)to join him for the easter break! So on the long weekend we all were going to a nesrby country(country 2) by taking a 5 hour long train and stayed at that place for 4 days. That was really good fun and a nice family time & lots of sightseeing!

On tge return journey to country 1 which is our base, the 5 hour long train got delayed by 2.5 hours so that obviously dysregulated H but he was trying to hold it together. At one point when we had to get off our train to take another one due to some technical difficulties, we started rushing along with all passengers and our daughter bumped her head while wearing her shoes coz she was obviously tired & sleepy. When she started to cry, H dysregulated & started saying mean things like - this is the last thing left to happen, why did you have to go and bump your head on the food tray and thats when I came in the middle & said to H , you have to stop talking to her NOW coz we're all tired from a very long journey & delay and she is hurt... .So I comforted her and helped her with shows, etc & we got on to the other train and got home!

But I really lost it and became passive aggressive coz it took me back to my interactions with H when I'd trip or make a small mistake, he'd teash talk instead of empathising and thats what he did to our D. He use to hardly dysregulate with her but now he does sometimes.

Now there feels like a cold war of sone sort & I want to move past this in my head... .I'm planning to have a conversation with H about this... .And tell him that yes, I was angry but I don't want to hold onto that moment & move on... .Would that be too invalidating?

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

I have been trying to practice the skills by reading the lessons as much as I can. We had been pretty steady for sometime now... .And now we're travelling and visiting another country(country 1) since uBPDH is here for a business visit. He invited us (me & 5 year old daughter)to join him for the easter break! So on the long weekend we all were going to a nesrby country(country 2) by taking a 5 hour long train and stayed at that place for 4 days. That was really good fun and a nice family time & lots of sightseeing!

On tge return journey to country 1 which is our base, the 5 hour long train got delayed by 2.5 hours so that obviously dysregulated H but he was trying to hold it together. At one point when we had to get off our train to take another one due to some technical difficulties, we started rushing along with all passengers and our daughter bumped her head while wearing her shoes coz she was obviously tired & sleepy. When she started to cry, H dysregulated & started saying mean things like - this is the last thing left to happen, why did you have to go and bump your head on the food tray and thats when I came in the middle & said to H , you have to stop talking to her NOW coz we're all tired from a very long journey & delay and she is hurt... .So I comforted her and helped her with shows, etc & we got on to the other train and got home!

But I really lost it and became passive aggressive coz it took me back to my interactions with H when I'd trip or make a small mistake, he'd teash talk instead of empathising and thats what he did to our D. He use to hardly dysregulate with her but now he does sometimes.

Now there feels like a cold war of sone sort & I want to move past this in my head... .I'm planning to have a conversation with H about this... .And tell him that yes, I was angry but I don't want to hold onto that moment & move on... .Would that be too invalidating?

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[Notwendy]

Hi WW,

I have found that travel is one of those times where people are likely to become dysregulated. Consider that pw with BPD have difficulty managing their emotions and self soothing. One thing I learned was there are times when this is even harder to do for anyone- if we are tired, stressed, hungry, our capacity to rationally manage our own emotions is stretched. I think we all have experienced this.

I have found that travel can also strain our managing capacities in many ways- one is that we are in a new environment. People who are prone to anxiety can feel even more anxious in a new and unpredictable environment. Another one is close quarters. Often we can get our own space in the home or leave the room if someone is upset. Not so easy in a hotel room. Then there is the time change, different food- which even if we feel fine is a change in the system. Add to this a travel delay, and travelling with a young child- and you can see the potential for stress.

So, he lost it and then so did you. IMHO, I would chalk this one up to stress on the trip. All the factors above would make even a discussion more volatile. Unless this is a repeated event on the trip, a discussion can be postponed until you are home, after a good night's sleep.

This doesn't mean not travelling. Sounds like a great trip. But it also could help to know that there are possible stresses ahead. They say, put your oxygen mask on first- make sure you are ( as much as possible) not tired, hungry, and less reactive. It is up to your H to manage himself and not snap at your D, but if he has a hard time managing these stresses, in order to protect her, you may need to look at the travel plans and include more time for rest, meals, and avoiding additional stressors. Some travel stress is unavoidable, but if it is possible to reduce some, you may all have a better time.

[waitingwife]

Thanks NW to respond and give me such a detailed perspective. I did end up having a conversation with H & said I conveyed the right message in a wrong way and that I am sorry for that. He was feeling horrible as soon as he dysregulated at D and D didn't want to talk eith him so she was feeling horribke & I was tired functioning on very less sleep so I lost it & said we should really rethink about our summer travel plans coz you both(H & D) are on the edge with a slight deviation and I'm unsure whether I can handle that!

So as soon as I felt centered, I realized that he judged himself, D judged him for loosing it and I judged him instead of validating & setting a boundary. I did set the boundary but in the wrong way by snapping him out of the dynamic.

So when I had a conversation with him, I apologized for snapping & basing our next trip on this one weak moment he had. I said fromthe next time, I'll give you a hug or hold your hand & be more gentle about communicating my need of that moment but I did it coz my stressors were really high too. So he accepted my apologies & just said its okay.

i reallt got a lit of closure after many years! Hoping to continue ahead & keep improving our r/s

[Bpdsupporter]

Wow! Your awareness of things is so incredible. In our relationships with our BPDs even when we have all the necessary skills life will inevitable bring us circumstances that will cause us to react in ways we wish not too. I think that you handled the situation so well. I think we actually can have better relationships because our partner has a mental illness than those who are not with someone who has it sometimes. Because we have no choice but to work on all theae thinga. Thanks for sharing!

[waitingwife]

Thanks for all the validation, BPD supporter! I got closure and cleared my conscience by accepting my role in thst small dysfunction we ezperienced and I could feel the power of forgiveness. It was so easy to forgive and move on for me. I have recently experienced these ways of dealing with dysregulations after 3 years of therapy and 13 years of marriage. I do have a big role in the dysfunctional dynamic and realizing that is helping me feel motivated to changing what I can.

I don't even know whether he was able to move on but from his actions, it appeared to me that he did move on coz my D fell sick & needed N ER cisit in the middle of the night in a foreign country a night before flying back home and he was the most centered person like a pillar! In the past during sickness & hospitalization, he has dysregulated coz it's deviation from the norm or routine! So I think we're on the journey to progress!

This support group is my therapy for now... .