We have to stop thinking we are the all powerful people that can help these people I guess.
Isn't this why we got ourselves into these messy situations in the first place?
I've read it in a lot of posts and each time the words jump out at me "I helped him/her so much" "I did everything for her/him" "I found her/him a new job" "I wrapped her/him in a blanket and fed them soup" "I was willing to teach him/her along the way" "I want to give her/him my guidance" and all the other variations.
It is as if we're talking about children. And they are not. As if they are completely helpless. And they are not. They had a house, a job, a car, friends, or at least some of that before we ever came into the picture. They might have the emotional landscape of a 5 year old but they are adults. And if we want to be with an emotional 5 year old so we can act as a teacher, a parent, what does that make us?
We chose these relationships so we could act as saviours. And we are not. We are just people. And it's fine to want to help others. We do it here too. By all means save the toddler that wants to run into the road. Help the nice blonde on crutches to cross the road (hey, it might be me
). But let's stop looking for someone that is/seems "smaller" than us so we can act as if they are children that need to be spoon fed. Because that is what we do.
And when they leave we even get angry that they weren't grateful enough.
There is a difference between helping and saving. We need to stop wanting to feel better about ourselves by being put on a pedestal and talk down to the BPD partners from our pedestal. And then turning round and saying "no idea why it didn't work. I thought I was with an adult... " Yes, it didn't work because they have a very serious mental illness. But it also didn't work because we chose to be with an emotional child, tried to keep them small (otherwise they wouldn't need us anymore) and at the same time got angry because they wouldn't grow up.
We need to get off our high horses. Our partners should be our equals. Adults who have their finances in order, who have a roof over their heads, who don't need to drown something in alcohol or drugs, who have steady jobs, who have loving friends, who have their lives completely together and are with us because they choose to be with us not because they NEED us. But that also means we first have to become that kind of adults and stop needing someone else, stop needing to be a saviour, stop needing to be on a pedestal to feel better about who we are. When we are we will attract the real adults with the complete lives.
