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Author Topic: Tough love  (Read 524 times)
Scopikaz
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 244


« on: March 30, 2016, 07:28:12 AM »

As those that have been following it know, I've been seeing her posts on fb.  Still haven't blocked her nor her me yet.  And I sort of see her going down a wrong or bad path.  Though maybe I'm overreacting some. I don't know.

But it's sort of like having to exhibit tough love.  You can't change someone. And the more you try the less they listen or even care.  I can't or no one can save someone else or fix someone else.

I've never had to do tough love before. But this must be what it's like. Watching someone make mistakes and not being able to do anything about it.

What stories of tough love either with your ex or someone else have you had to do?
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2016, 08:03:36 AM »

Scop...

For nice guy, fixer type... .there is a tendency to help and fix the partner... because he believes its his sacred duty and responsibility to protect and save his partner.

Motivated by these goals, nice guy goes overboard and tries harder to "help" and show her the right way, expecting that some day, she will see and be grateful for this guidance and help and start loving and respecting him again.

But, Man... .BPD is all different ball game. She not only can not see your noble motive (due to heavy denial) ... .she feels controlled (fear of engulfment) and start pushing you farther and later, starts hating you for loving her. Weird ? Isn't it ?

You, the nice guy with good intentions, gets utterly confused because  it defies logic... .why someone will not see what you are trying to do.  He starts getting frustrated and then gets angry and start saying harsh things to her.

She feels more controlled and angry and block him, rages and insults him, gives silent treatment  to push him farther. And, this eventually leads to break up... .

nice guy gets really hurt and goes into depression and end up on these great boards( LOL)

Nice guy needs to start tough love with himself... .remove focus from his sick lover and work on repairing his own mind. Gosh... Wish  it was that easy !

Tough love must start with ourselves... .and that's the way to healing thru the wounds inflicted by the disorder of our loved one( pwBPD)

And Lo and behold, when you left and healed yourself... .here she comes back months or years after... .with a cute little text... ."Hi"  "can we talk ?" His wounds scab start bleeding

again BUT now he  is wise enough to remember what happened last time and IGNORE the bait.  Way to go ,nice guy ! Lets use tough love on our self first.
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Scopikaz
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Posts: 244


« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2016, 11:20:29 AM »

Yeah.  I'm trying now more than ever I think. It's just tough.  You're right though. Tough love on self first.  Means not looking at her Facebook.  It only serves to reinforce my belief she's with the wrong people.   
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MapleBob
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2016, 12:16:42 PM »

I sort of see her going down a wrong or bad path.  Though maybe I'm overreacting some. I don't know.

And what if she was doing great? Would you be happy for her? I get this sense that you're looking for reasons that she might need you, which with disordered people is the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  in the first place! If she doesn't straighten herself out for herself she's probably not going to be a good relationship partner for anyone, much less you.

I don't think that watching someone go down a wrong/bad path and not doing anything about it is "tough love" exactly, it's just detachment.
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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2016, 12:37:42 PM »

Scopi...

She is an adult... .she is making "bad" choices... .but... isn't she has the right to make her choices? She does not want you to give her guidance, Isn't it our need to have this urge to "rescue" her from destroying herself.

More you try to engage... more she hates you so lesser are your the chances  to convey your message of making right choices.

The best thing to do is to leave her alone and let her choose whoever she wants to choose. For you, with good intentions and kind heart, you will find a woman who respects you, your guidance and your love.   That;s going to the "right" choice for you... .if I can give this advice to you (of course with your permission)
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Herodias
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2016, 01:10:00 PM »

I thought it was "tough love" to separate from my husband. I had hoped it would wake him up to stop his bad behavior. All he did was get into another r/s. Even if he didn't intend on staying with her, she is pregnant now and he thinks he is stuck. I can't be in a r/s like that. The tough love turned back on me. We have to stop thinking we are the all powerful people that can help these people I guess. You want what's best for them, but you have to want the best for you too.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2016, 11:24:38 PM »

We have to stop thinking we are the all powerful people that can help these people I guess.

Isn't this why we got ourselves into these messy situations in the first place?

I've read it in a lot of posts and each time the words jump out at me "I helped him/her so much" "I did everything for her/him" "I found her/him a new job" "I wrapped her/him in a blanket and fed them soup" "I was willing to teach him/her along the way" "I want to give her/him my guidance" and all the other variations.

It is as if we're talking about children. And they are not. As if they are completely helpless. And they are not. They had a house, a job, a car, friends, or at least some of that before we ever came into the picture. They might have the emotional landscape of a 5 year old but they are adults. And if we want to be with an emotional 5 year old so we can act as a teacher, a parent, what does that make us?

We chose these relationships so we could act as saviours. And we are not. We are just people. And it's fine to want to help others. We do it here too. By all means save the toddler that wants to run into the road. Help the nice blonde on crutches to cross the road (hey, it might be me  Smiling (click to insert in post)). But let's stop looking for someone that is/seems "smaller" than us so we can act as if they are children that need to be spoon fed. Because that is what we do.

And when they leave we even get angry that they weren't grateful enough.

There is a difference between helping and saving. We need to stop wanting to feel better about ourselves by being put on a pedestal and talk down to the BPD partners from our pedestal. And then turning round and saying "no idea why it didn't work. I thought I was with an adult... " Yes, it didn't work because they have a very serious mental illness. But it also didn't work because we chose to be with an emotional child, tried to keep them small (otherwise they wouldn't need us anymore) and at the same time got angry because they wouldn't grow up.

We need to get off our high horses. Our partners should be our equals. Adults who have their finances in order, who have a roof over their heads, who don't need to drown something in alcohol or drugs, who have steady jobs, who have loving friends, who have their lives completely together and are with us because they choose to be with us not because they NEED us. But that also means we first have to become that kind of adults and stop needing someone else, stop needing to be a saviour, stop needing to be on a pedestal to feel better about who we are. When we are we will attract the real adults with the complete lives.
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Learning Fast
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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2016, 05:26:28 PM »

There is a difference between helping and saving.

Wounded,

This is where most of us go awry.  We confuse "helping" with "saving/enabling" (much like our exes confuse "love" with "infatuation" or "want" with "need".  What you posted can be difficult to process and accept but is very well put. 

The good news is with self-awareness, confidence and effort we can learn the difference and make the necessary changes in our lives.  Sadly our exes are destined to remain in their current state of confusion forever.

LF
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