Please tell me that I'm being dumb

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Saw ex-BPD gf yesterday in my neighbourhood. Have seen her twice now in the last 3 weeks, both times she was on her own.

She did let it slip in her very mean way just before we stopped talking 5 months ago that there was a guy who was interested in her who also lived in my neighbourhood. She pretended she wasn't interested while implying that she very much was. Behaviour like that is why I decided I couldn't talk to her anymore.

Now I've driven by her all dolled-up on the main street in the neighbourhood twice. The rationale things for me to assume is that she's seeing him and that's why she's in my neighbourhood, correct? It's delusional for me to believe, as a not-so-small part of me wants to, that she's walking around hoping I'll see her as a way of re-establishing contact isn't it?

If she was a non, I'd just assume she was there for some reason that didn't involve me but with a BPD there's always that niggling doubt (however irrational)

Can somebody please tell me to give my head a shake. Thanks. Only those who have been there can understand... .

[barterbarter]

Saw ex-BPD gf yesterday in my neighbourhood. Have seen her twice now in the last 3 weeks, both times she was on her own.

She did let it slip in her very mean way just before we stopped talking 5 months ago that there was a guy who was interested in her who also lived in my neighbourhood. She pretended she wasn't interested while implying that she very much was. Behaviour like that is why I decided I couldn't talk to her anymore.

Now I've driven by her all dolled-up on the main street in the neighbourhood twice. The rationale things for me to assume is that she's seeing him and that's why she's in my neighbourhood, correct? It's delusional for me to believe, as a not-so-small part of me wants to, that she's walking around hoping I'll see her as a way of re-establishing contact isn't it?

If she was a non, I'd just assume she was there for some reason that didn't involve me but with a BPD there's always that niggling doubt (however irrational)

Can somebody please tell me to give my head a shake. Thanks. Only those who have been there can understand... .

[Lonely_Astro]

It could be either.  It may just be a coincidence.  You haven't spoken to her in 5 months, which is 10 years in a BPDs mind.  While thats a bit of an exaggeration, I can speak from experience that BPDs experience time different than you and me.  During moments of lucidity with my ex, she would openly talk about her BPD.  She would ask me questions about her behaviors when she was dysregulated and I could ask her questions about what her experiences were like from the other side of things (if that makes sense).  Time distortion was common.  What was a couple of days to me felt like a month to her.

So, based off that, 5 months to your ex may feel like 5 years.  She may not even be seeing that guy.  And if she ever did, she may not be seeing him anymore.  Remember, they burn through r/s at different speeds, depending on their chosen partner.  But, there is one constant: the relationships do burn out.

Could she be trolling the neighborhood in the hopes you see her?  Yeah, maybe.  Maybe she's seeing that guy (or another one) and thats why she's there.  But let me ask you this: does it matter?  How does that affect you?  Do you want her to be trolling for you?  Do you feel anxious about it?  I don't ask those questions to be rude, I mean them in a reflection sort of way.  What bothers you about it?

[C.Stein]

Can somebody please tell me to give my head a shake. Thanks. Only those who have been there can understand... .

I can understand the temptation to think she is doing this to get your attention but chances are she is not.  The speculation on your part is only setting yourself up for more pain.  I wouldn't read to much into it.

[barterbarter]

Thanks for the input, both of you.

Yes, I'm hoping that she's trolling for me. I'm always hoping that. I cared about this person more than I've ever cared about anything and the back-and-forth about whether she ever truly felt the same way has been traumatizing me for four years now.

My biggest fear is that this will never go away. The reason that I ended what had dissolved into a friendship with her was because I knew that no healthy person would allow themselves to be treated this way and that if I carried on with her she would legitimately ruin my life.

I was doing fairly well after the 5 month point and started to feel as though I was getting past her. Not so, apparently. All it took was seeing her on the street and I am right back at square one.

Horrible. So sorry for all who have to go through this.

[C.Stein]

I was doing fairly well after the 5 month point and started to feel as though I was getting past her. Not so, apparently. All it took was seeing her on the street and I am right back at square one.

Totally understand.  I'm at 8 months and I'm still working through a lot of emotions.  Just the thought of possibly running into her still makes me anxious.  I know how hard it is to let go of something you believed in so deeply.  It will get better. 

[Lonely_Astro]

I work with my ex, so anyone who doesn't should see the luck in that!  Everyday I am subject to how awesome my replacement (and yes, he replaced me) is to her.  But, of course, that doesn't stop her from attempting to bring me back into her orbit.  It's pretty brutal and relentless. 

C'est la vie. 

[barterbarter]

Astro - I worked with mine and she did the exact same thing to me. I eventually quit my job to get away from her and now she's with my replacement. My replacement on two levels - her new boyfriend and the ACTUAL GUY who replaced me in my job. Turned out, she wasn't very discerning.

So ya, I know a thing or two about what you're going through. It's hell. She dragged so many guys in front of me in the four years we worked together, I wasn't able to concentrate at work and it definitely hurt my career.

Be careful. If you ever want to pm me to vent, I'm happy to offer guidance on how to deal with your situation directly or just empathize.