How to go with NC when the ex uses the kids to contact me?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello

My ex caught me yesterday and this morning when I was dropping my kid (his and mine go to the same school). I need to change my routine  for tomorrow morning to avoid him

I am sure he will drop by my place with his kid this weekend

If my son sees my ex son at the door, it will be difficult to not open the door

I want NC but I am not that strict about it

What do i do?

[Isa_lala]

Hello

My ex caught me yesterday and this morning when I was dropping my kid (his and mine go to the same school). I need to change my routine  for tomorrow morning to avoid him

I am sure he will drop by my place with his kid this weekend

If my son sees my ex son at the door, it will be difficult to not open the door

I want NC but I am not that strict about it

What do i do?

[WoundedBibi]

Hello

My ex caught me yesterday and this morning when I was dropping my kid (his and mine go to the same school).

What a 'coincidence'...

I need to change my routine  for tomorrow morning to avoid him

I am sure he will drop by my place with his kid this weekend

If my son sees my ex son at the door, it will be difficult to not open the door

I want NC but I am not that strict about it

What do i do?

Didn't you tell him he wasn't to come by your house anymore unless invited and if he did you would lodge a complaint against him?

If one thing, I would be consistent. So if this is what you said, stick to it. Mixed messages are never a good idea and I think even less so with pwBPD. If you don't follow through he probably will think you're a pushover and will start pushing each and every boundary.

I would send him away, "you're not invited", lodge a complaint as this is what you said you would do and tell him your kids can play together but without him there and only when planned. He can drop him off at the curb when invited, wait till his kid enters your house so he knows his kid is safely inside and then he drives off. When it's time to pick him up he can show up at the appointed time (no earlier!) and wait in his car for his kid to come out of your house and get in the car.

What is you want exactly? You say you want to avoid him at school and are willing to change your routine for it but you're also saying you're not strict on NC. So is it LC you want but on your conditions?

[C.Stein]

This is tough situation Isa.  I see a need for a boundary.  Can you see a boundary that you can set successfully here?   Not "dropping by your place" might be a good boundary.  It is difficult when there are kids involved.  Have you talked with your son about the situation?

[Isa_lala]

I haven’t sent the email to my ex saying that I don’t want him to pop up at my place when he is not invited. Because I know that I won’t lodge a complaint. As per what the police told me, lodging a complaint for him to not come at my place (restraining order) takes months to finalize. I am not sure I want to go there. Of course, I could tell my ex that I don’t want him to come at my place when not invited and lie a little bit about what I could do if he doesn’t respect my request. Not sure I want to go there. Not yet.

One thing which is sure is that I don’t want him to show up when HE wants. I know it is making be feel bad. And that is sufficient to set up a clear boundary. But if I tell him that and that I am not ready to act (call the police etc.), it is not worth it. Or, I could tell him I don’t want him to pop up when not invited and if he does, then, I could tell him that because he doesn’t respect my will, I will do the necessary if it happens again and mention that the police told me what to do in this case.

For me, doing that is a little extreme. I am not fully comfortable with that. Maybe not yet. Maybe I will go this “extreme” way. But not for the moment.

I know that my thoughts are still not clear... .

[C.Stein]

Of course, I could tell my ex that I don’t want him to come at my place when not invited and lie a little bit about what I could do if he doesn’t respect my request. Not sure I want to go there. Not yet.

Don't go down this road Isa.  It is good you are hesitating here.  Set the boundary and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to not visit uninvited.

[WoundedBibi]

I haven’t sent the email to my ex saying that I don’t want him to pop up at my place when he is not invited. Because I know that I won’t lodge a complaint. As per what the police told me, lodging a complaint for him to not come at my place (restraining order) takes months to finalize. I am not sure I want to go there. Of course, I could tell my ex that I don’t want him to come at my place when not invited and lie a little bit about what I could do if he doesn’t respect my request. Not sure I want to go there. Not yet.

One thing which is sure is that I don’t want him to show up when HE wants. I know it is making be feel bad. And that is sufficient to set up a clear boundary. But if I tell him that and that I am not ready to act (call the police etc.), it is not worth it. Or, I could tell him I don’t want him to pop up when not invited and if he does, then, I could tell him that because he doesn’t respect my will, I will do the necessary if it happens again and mention that the police told me what to do in this case.

For me, doing that is a little extreme. I am not fully comfortable with that. Maybe not yet. Maybe I will go this “extreme” way. But not for the moment.

I know that my thoughts are still not clear... .

Ahhh... Well if you haven't sent that email it's a different situation.

I agree, don't threaten with things you can't follow through with. No empty threats.

But you can still tell him "can't come round unless invited, kid can be dropped off at the curb, and if you don't respect my boundaries the police has told me what to do next". That way you're not actually saying you will lodge a complaint.

It all depends on what you want and what you think is best for you and your son.

If that is LC about play dates for the kids, that is fine. If that is NC that is fine too. As long as you put up clear boundaries and stick with them. But get it clear for yourself first.

[Isa_lala]

In fact, what I am not comfortable with is to go a way that seems extreme to me to have my boundaries respected. That may be the main problem

Why do i feel guilty to take extreme measures to have a boundary respected? The less extreme measures (ask him to not come at my place last Sunday night before he ended up coming) didn't work. So why going the next steps seems extreme to me? 

I just wrote him an email saying that I will not see him this weekend and that I don't want him to drop by this weekend with his son. I said that I had called the police the week before and I could do it again even thought I wouldn't like to do it in front of the kids but as he doesn't respect what I ask, I don't have any choice do got that way

I think that if he comes, I won't open the door and I will see what happens

I changed the lock,he cannot come in anymore

[WoundedBibi]

In fact, what I am not comfortable with is to go a way that seems extreme to me to have my boundaries respected. That may be the main problem

Why do i feel guilty to take extreme measures to have a boundary respected? The less extreme measures (ask him to not come at my place last Sunday night before he ended up coming) didn't work. So why going the next steps seems extreme to me? 

Good question. Putting boundaries up isn't an extreme thing. You pointed your boundaries out, he disrespected them (therefore also you). So the next step is to enforce them. Nothing extreme about it in my view.

Do you have problems telling other people (so not your ex) what your boundaries are? Do you let them go over those boundaries? Did your (or anybody's) boundaries get respected in your FOO? Did your FOO teach you your boundaries were not important?

[Isa_lala]

FOO? Family something?

It has always been difficult for me to tell people when I don't like something or if I don't feel comfortable with a behaviour for example

I see that as being pain in the neck for the others, it doesn't seem justified for me

So, no, setting up boundaries is absolutely not natural for me. It is part of the reasons I got stuck in an abusive relationship... .

[WoundedBibi]

FOO > Family Of Origin

[WoundedBibi]

It wasn't natural for me either. I didn't learn (enough) about (healthy) boundaries in my FOO.

I've taught myself how to do it, and I can, as long as it's not 'my guy'. Then I'm too afraid putting in boundaries will make me loose the love. Anything not to loose love.

[Isa_lala]

I can't remember how I was educated on this matter

This is something I will definitely discuss with the T I start seeing next week

[Isa_lala]

It is amazing how my ex rebounds everytime

He got upset when I told him I could call the police again if he would show up this weekend, but a few hours later it is like if I had not said anything... .

I knew the break up would be difficult but I didn't think that it could be that exhausting. I don't know how long it will take for him to detach and leave me alone... .

[WoundedBibi]

As long as it takes him to find a replacement I guess...

[WoundedBibi]

And when he has found a replacement he might come back to try and recycle you.

Stay calm, stay strong, stay clear in your boundaries 

[Isa_lala]

I guess you are right (unfortunately)

That is exhausting... .But less than the relationship, so that is positive. From outside the rs i see more clearly and I definitely don't want to go back in there. No way.

But I miss the part of being with someone we love, so when I will go better, why not try to meet someone. For the moment, i take care of me and of my son. And my energy coming back, I am more productive at work and the feeling is awesome. Love the new me

 everyone who gives me such a wonderful support here

[Isa_lala]

For the moment I try to go NC so I blocked his phone number and I redirected his emails automatically to a folder so they don’t appear in my inbox. This morning, I avoided dropping my son at school as I did the 2 days before.

However, I read once a day his emails just to see what awaits me but it is probably not a good idea… I do not respond so he is note sure either I read them or not. Nevertheless, I READ them. So I give him the control on me he is trying to keep, even if he doesn’t know for sure.

It is damn difficult to not read them!

And as I saw, the harsh email I sent yesterday, speaking about calling the police if he shows up this weekend had an effect for a few hours… he continues to write emails as if I had not said anything….

So I know I do not have any control on him sending me emails. I do have control on me reading his emails…. For my own sake, I know I shouldn’t read them…

I have to pretend he is not in my life anymore even if he remains in my thoughts….

If I only could not read the emails, I could throw him out of my thoughts ... .

[WoundedBibi]

For the moment I try to go NC so I blocked his phone number and I redirected his emails automatically to a folder so they don’t appear in my inbox. This morning, I avoided dropping my son at school as I did the 2 days before.

However, I read once a day his emails just to see what awaits me but it is probably not a good idea… I do not respond so he is note sure either I read them or not. Nevertheless, I READ them. So I give him the control on me he is trying to keep, even if he doesn’t know for sure.

It is damn difficult to not read them!

And as I saw, the harsh email I sent yesterday, speaking about calling the police if he shows up this weekend had an effect for a few hours… he continues to write emails as if I had not said anything….

So I know I do not have any control on him sending me emails. I do have control on me reading his emails…. For my own sake, I know I shouldn’t read them…

I have to pretend he is not in my life anymore even if he remains in my thoughts….

If I only could not read the emails, I could throw him out of my thoughts ... .

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What if you tried to gradually lengthen the time inbetween reading? So first once per 2 days, and then 3 etc. Maybe it's easier to get used to it that way.

[Isa_lala]

Good suggestion

I am wondering how he could react if I go on with not responding to his emails (I receive around 10 emails a day)

Could he get into rage outbursts because of the feeling of being rejected?

[Isa_lala]

When I read what he writes I realize how sick he is. And it frightens me a bit

I start wondering what he could possibly do. Sending emails, that s ok, I can manage but i really don't know what else he could do ... .