Our incompatibility

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone,

Thinking why our relationships didn't work out regardless if our partners were BPD or not.

1. I preferred happiness

2. I preferred peace

3. I preferred honesty

4. I preferred consistency

5. I preferred recovery

6. I preferred cooperating fairly in:

Sharing household duties

Caring for our child

Expressing each other's needs

7. I preferred not being rude

8. I preferred not getting my own way each time

9. I preferred no name calling

10. I preferred not spending ever second with each other

11. I preferred equal sharing of responsibility for finances

12. I preferred logic

13. I preferred appropriate rest

14. I preferred not blaming

15. I preferred healthy outside opinions (counceling)

16. I preferred physical health (exercise)

17. I preferred working on our own issues (AA, Alanon)

18. I preferred Church, Faith, Meditation

19. I preferred relaxation

20. I preferred mutual respect

21. I preferred intimacy, kissing, holding, touching etc

Is it any wonder we couldn't move forward? No matter what we did these simple guidelines did not exist, I think these are fair guidelines  for any healthy relationship, I may be wrong?

[C.Stein]

What makes you think she doesn't want these things as well but is just incapable of it?

[JerryRG]

That's my point C. Stein, she chose to stay sick and unhealthy and I had to make the choice to leave. It is heartbreaking to watch someone destroy themselves but again I'm codependent and a rescuer so I got what I needed and I had to let her learn her own way.

I'm trying to view this relationship outside the bounderies of her illness and show myself her illness was not the blame for a failed relationship.

Thanks C. Stein

Any input would be appriciated as I'm still learning baby steps

[GreenEyedMonster]

If I asked my ex about his relationship preferences, his were always appropriate and not unlike the list you supplied above.  He was a volatile person, but on in our day-to-day interactions, so it was rarely a problem in that sense.  The reason that we were "incompatible" in the end is because he ultimately did not want any responsibility for my well-being.  Not that another person is ever entirely responsible for that, but he took it a step farther and wanted to be off the hook for the impact of any of his actions.  We broke up when he went on vacation without me to a place I really wanted to go, and I found out that he could have taken me along and chose not to.  He often complained that taking me along places was too much work because he felt he'd have to babysit me.  This led to a relationship where I existed at his convenience; if he didn't feel like dealing with introducing me to friends or keeping me company, I got left out.  If I requested a phone call at a certain time, or something like that, he would passive-aggressively deny me my wish, or sometimes just outright tell me that accommodating me was a pain.  That is ultimately why I consider myself incompatible with my ex. 

I can't chalk up his volatile behavior to his preferences, because I don't think being like that is particularly enjoyable, but his preference to always look out for #1 first was certainly a deal breaker.

[tryingsome]

she chose to stay sick

I don't think anyone chooses an illness.

I believe perspective is the key to healing.

So maybe a list might be:

1. I preferred to be in the relationship

2. I preferred the emotional connection

3. I preferred the good feelings she made me feel

4. I preferred to make this better

5. I preferred to be addicted to her

6. etc, etc

Or a list might look like this:

1. She preferred to be with a person like me

2. She preferred the connection

3. She preferred feeling safe

4. She preferred to  love me the best she could

5. She thought I could make her whole

6. etc, etc

So, I am just letting you take a glimpse at sides for a moment--some other ideas. When we make lists of things usually it is a form of black/white thinking. I am this, she is not that. She is this, I am not that. Good/evil, though we pretend our viewpoint is righteous (or sane). It is a good defense and will help you heal a bit. But know, she did not choose to be this way; it wasn't her choice not to be sick. Now that does not mean the relationship was healthy, or that you should still be in it. As the saying goes around here, it takes two to participate in a relationship. Take care.

[tryingsome]

I think these are fair guidelines  for any healthy relationship, I may be wrong?

Everyone has two cents and the webs is full of what is a healthy relationship.

Really I think it comes down to two things that both parties must possess:

1) Compassion

2) Individuality

From that everything else stems; honesty, trust, support, security, safety, love, etc.

Empathy isn't enough for a relationship, it has to morph into compassion.

Individuality is needed so you don't lose oneself in the relationship.

Sometimes I think the failure of BPD relationship are the sides.

The pwBPD is the 'individual'

The non (codependent) is the 'empathy'

Both sides missing the compassion;  thinking the other should be the owner of that glue.

[JerryRG]

Thank you all for your feedback

I am rather new to healthy relationships and I appreciate everything said, I need truth not blame or rationalization to heal.

Sat in an AA meeting today, comfort or character was the topic. I know I need change and it always involves hard work. I used the mountain metiphor of the more I learn and grow I still see the mountain in front of me.

Someone said we can stop and look back to where we were and focus on what we've a cheated or focus on the mountain. Matter of perspective, attitude and gratitude?

I thought I loved my ex, maybe I did, maybe not.

I just keep walking up the slope and maybe the answers come, maybe not.

Thank you everyone for helping me one more step.

[C.Stein]

I'm trying to view this relationship outside the bounderies of her illness and show myself her illness was not the blame for a failed relationship.

Are you finding this helpful?  I have been trying to do the opposite.  I split my ex into two people, the good and the disordered.  This resulted in me not seeing her for who she truly is.  I fell deeply in love with the good within her, and that good was present a large part of the time.  The disordered part overshadowed all the good and little by little eroded the relationship until there was nothing left.

Now is that the fault of the disorder?  No, I don't believe it is, however she and the disorder are one.  I don't blame the disorder for the destroying the relationship but I do understand now that the failure of both her and myself to recognize and address the disorder in a positive and healthy way led to instability and pain for both of us.  The behavior that could be considered a result of the disorder is what (in large part) destroyed the relationship.

I did not know about BPD when we were together and I don't believe she did either.  Would it have made a difference if we both knew?  For me it would have but for her I think she would have only used it as an excuse for her hurtful and wrong behavior, as she already did that to some extent.

I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this, so I will leave it at that.  

[zeus123]

It's not your job to please ANYONE but you in this life. If someone's not the piece that fits into your puzzle, don't waste time on 'em. BPD traits start in infancy, if we lack a solid/loving bond with mother. If we can't trust her to meet our needs, we can't trust ourselves.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm trying to view this relationship outside the bounderies of her illness and show myself her illness was not the blame for a failed relationship.

Now is that the fault of the disorder?  No, I don't believe it is, however she and the disorder are one.  I don't blame the disorder for the destroying the relationship but I do understand now that the failure of both her and myself to recognize and address the disorder in a positive and healthy way led to instability and pain for both of us.  The behavior that could be considered a result of the disorder is what (in large part) destroyed the relationship.

For me, trying to separate his behavior from whatever cocktail of disorders he has isn't very useful.  I don't necessarily see my ex as being "one" with his disorder, but it is like stunted growth.  The disorder has kept him from growing into the person he otherwise would be.  Without serious therapy, he will permanently have the emotional capabilities of a small child.  Every time I have a problem with him -- even now, after the relationship is over -- I have to face behavior that would be more appropriate for a 5-year-old.  Fact is, yes, I want a boyfriend who cares about me enough not to do things like going on vacation without me and bragging about how he "deserves" to go without me, to a destination he knew I really wanted to visit.  But another fact is that this is my ex, this is the limitation of his capabilities.  His natural reactions to situations are offense, competition, jealousy, and defensiveness.  That's his emotional toolbox.  I might be able to imagine him without these things, but this person is a creature of my projection and imagination, something entirely theoretical.  I honestly don't know what he would be like, or how I would feel about him, if he behaved differently.

The bottom line is fairly simple.  In ANY relationship that goes wrong, we can say, "If my partner had only done x, it would have worked."  Something breaks in every breakup.  It's sort of like a person dying because one small organ fails.  You can count the what-ifs but the bottom line is, if something crucial fails, no matter the reason, your relationship will end.  We can gnash our teeth because the person *should* want to fix his or her disordered behavior, but that's not always obvious or easy for that person.

[JerryRG]

Hi C.Stein

I did have an understanding of her BPD and bipolar and ADD, addiction, she refused to try to get the help she needed. It seemed we were busy raising our son as well. I expressed interest in her illnesses and offered help in any way. I took care of our son full time for 45 days while she said she would seek the help she needed. She did nothing but lay around and didn't try to get any help. This is when I told her I had enough.

She's the same as always and I'm assuming she won't change until she puts some effort into her issues and recovers. I can't/won't wait for her to decide when she wants a better life.

I feel horrible for going NC but I need to work on myself or our son won't have anyone healthy in his life.

She seems ok right now and I'm sure she will cycle again?