A phone call from my brother triggered me

[unicorn2014]

Hi everyone,

I started this subject on the PI board but then I realized that this part of it belonged on the C&H board.

Last night as I was baking cranberry almond muffins my brother called. I answered the call and he was asking when my daughter was coming to see him as he and my parents are splitting Spring break. I told my brother that I had reactivated her line so he could call her directly. Two weeks ago someone stole her iPhone so I had to suspend her line while figuring out what to do. Then my brother proceeded to tell me about his career worries, and finally he started talking about our mother. I had posted something on Facebook about homemade dishwasher tabs and he was interested and then he started talking to me about how our mom said he could    move back home so she could take care of him






I was like what?

Of course I didn't say that but I felt it.

I had to move out at 18 and have been fending for myself ever since.

My brother, on the other hand, got to stay at home into his 20s because of his visual impairment and even now despite the fact he has a girlfriend and a kid, my mom is offering to have him back home so she can take care of him?

 

Oh and did I mention she won't even return my phone calls these days? I think I did mention that on a previous subject... .

So I had been talking bout a "spiritual crisis" on the P&I board, well, I realized after my partner kept asking me I woke up at 3am and couldn't back to sleep and wouldn't take "its my ptsd" for an answer, that my brother really triggered me.

Now, I'm not mad at him, its not his fault, I'm mad at my mom, and there's nothing I can do about it. My partner thinks my mom's competitive with me and I have always noticed her comparing herself to me and putting herself down.

Nevertheless I'm not going to be nasty to my mom as I've learned a lot in ACA about how to have a relationship with a dysfunctional parent despite how they treat you.

Still, I'm steamed up... .

So I guess I'm venting now.

[Turkish]

It sounds like you resent you mother and your brother.

You left (which despite how things have changed in America these days, is normal), but you left to take control of your life. I didn't have a sibling, but I moved out on my 18th birthday for perhaps similar reasons.

She tried to replace me with Waif 1, Waif 2, etc... .mostly young women ("daughters" one of whom she tried to hook me up with, and like a compliant child, I met the woman, and she was a mess, and it was a disaster), but also a few young men. I resented the hell out of it because she was so attentive to them (idealization phases) yet I don't remember ever having been idealized since I was like 5. Does this resonate, that you resent that she shows love towards him that you didn't receive?

[unicorn2014]

It sounds like you resent you mother and your brother.

You left (which despite how things have changed in America these days, is normal), but you left to take control of your life. I didn't have a sibling, but I moved out on my 18th birthday for perhaps similar reasons.

She tried to replace me with Waif 1, Waif 2, etc... .mostly young women ("daughters" one of whom she tried to hook me up with, and like a compliant child, I met the woman, and she was a mess, and it was a disaster), but also a few young men. I resented the hell out of it because she was so attentive to them (idealization phases) yet I don't remember ever having been idealized since I was like 5. Does this resonate, that you resent that she shows love towards him that you didn't receive?

I left at 18 for two reasons: 1, I wanted to and 2, I had to. My dad wouldn't let me live there anymore because I wouldn't "follow his rules" yet they let my brother stay there well past the point he should have because of his visual impairment. They even let him keep alcohol in his room! He got the whole upstairs after I moved out. His things are still up there.


In this case I resent the fact that she's hung up on his visual disability while she won't even acknowledge my mental health disability. She devoted her masters degree to learning about special education, she worked as a rehabilitation counselor for the blind. Her whole life has been about helping him. She neglected me to take care of him. My brother got to do things that I never got to do: go skiing, boy scouts, karate lessons, alternative education, chaperoned rides, all because of his visual impairment. Me? I was neglected and despised by my mother, always told how bad I was, what I was doing wrong, etc. My mother split my brother white and me black. Its hard to even talk about it now. Does this make sense?

[Turkish]

Sounds like you were the scapegoat. Did you ever have a feeling like you were loved, or at least cared for at all by her, even as a little girl?

[unicorn2014]

Sounds like you were the scapegoat. Did you ever have a feeling like you were loved, or at least cared for at all by her, even as a little girl?

As an adult I can see from pictures that she loved me as a baby and as a young child, but once I hit puberty? Everything changed. Its been difficult ever since. She did send me money for Easter, but she's not talking to me directly right now.  I think its because I didn't want to listen to her story about her neighbors. The last time I went over to my parents house my mom started unloading on me about her neighbors in her garage and I left.  My brother complained about that in his call, told me mom is engaged in a pissing match with the neighbor. I haven't seen my mom since Christmas at my brother's house.

[Turkish]

Puberty is when my mom amped it up, or said in another way, was unable to deal with a person who wanted his individuality, which is normal. She sounds like she still wants you to be responsible for her feelings, and to fix what she cannot, right?

[unicorn2014]

Puberty is when my mom amped it up, or said in another way, was unable to deal with a person who wanted his individuality, which is normal. She sounds like she still wants you to be responsible for her feelings, and to fix what she cannot, right?

My mom... .wants to take no responsibility for how she affected me or how what I am going through now was caused by decisions she made.

Its hard for me to talk about my mom without thinking about the past.

Its hard for me not to talk about these things without getting resentful.

For Easter my mom sent my daughter a card, and then followed it up with a postcard about spring break. She called me and left a message for Easter but when I called her back she didn't pick up and hasn't called me since.

Its hard for me to talk about this without getting distracted.

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's "phoning it in," so to speak. Even so, do you resent the attention she's paying her granddaughter while ignoring you?

[unicorn2014]

It sounds like she's "phoning it in," so to speak. Even so, do you resent the attention she's paying her granddaughter while ignoring you?

I don't think so, I thought about it. Its not resentment I feel, after all she did call me, and the check does have my name on it. I'm more trying to think how I could be of service to her without losing myself. Last week when I called I let my mom know I was going to be going into the city to see an exhibit and she never got back to me.

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's "phoning it in," so to speak. Even so, do you resent the attention she's paying her granddaughter while ignoring you?

I don't think so, I thought about it. Its not resentment I feel, after all she did call me, and the check does have my name on it. I'm more trying to think how I could be of service to her without losing myself. Last week when I called I let my mom know I was going to be going into the city to see an exhibit and she never got back to me.

While I think that children should honor their parents, there is a limit.

Why do you feel that you should be of service to her? What do you define as "service?" What do you define, not her.

[unicorn2014]

Turkish, that is a phrase I learned in recovery. Being of service means letting her know when I'll be in the city, if I want to. The fact of the matter is she doesn't have time for me. She never calls me to ask me how I am or what I am doing. She is not involved in my life at all.

[Turkish]

Do you feel like you were and are an object to her? Does the emotional incest article at the top of the board feel familiar to you at all?

[unicorn2014]

Do you feel like you were and are an object to her? Does the emotional incest article at the top of the board feel familiar to you at all?

I do feel like she objectified me, I often felt like a slave on an auction block. She always admires my body, favorably  compares it to her own. She also  felt it was my responsibility to take care of my ex. I had a dream about the two of them last night.

---

I'll read that article.

[Turkish]

Her comment about your Ex was about her, IMO. Do you see it that way?. She wouldn't allow you to seperate from you being enmeshed with her personhood it sounds like.

[unicorn2014]

My ex is an alcoholic/addict and my mother held me responsible for his relapse. She acted like he was more important than me. To this day they still conspire against me in my dreams.

My mom admires my body because it's more feminine then hers, she has an adrogynous figure however she also brags about clothes don't fit her anymore and she's compulsive about running. She's quite the waif.

I read the article.

My mom always did complain to me about my dad so I suppose that was emotional incest.

Thank you for your support .

[Turkish]

You know that you're neither responsible for you're ex's addictions, nor your mother's view of that or herself? You aren't.

[unicorn2014]

You know that you're neither responsible for you're ex's addictions, nor your mother's view of that or herself? You aren't.

Thanks Turkish, intellectually I know that, but emotionally its kind of hard when my mother is blaming me for his addictions as well he is still blaming me for the divorce. In terms of her view of herself? Unfortunately I'm all to familiar with it. I'm probably more familiar with her view of herself then my view of myself.

[Turkish]

I know that intellectually you are aware of that, I just thought I'd throw it out there, and it's something a lot of us struggle with, or have. 

I'm probably more familiar with her view of herself then my view of myself.

And you're also probably familiar with her view of yourself as well?

[unicorn2014]

I know that intellectually you are aware of that, I just thought I'd throw it out there, and it's something a lot of us struggle with, or have. 

I'm probably more familiar with her view of herself then my view of myself.

And you're also probably familiar with her view of yourself as well?

I know my mother is very disconnected from me and has no idea that being my mother means she was responsible for me and therefore totally neglected me. Even today she says "Oh Unicorn that would be great if you could go to art school". Its like "mom, it was your job to see that I applied to the school for the arts when I was in high school and you totally neglected to do your job". Or "Oh unicorn it would be great if you could to (local art school)." Again, "mom, it was your job as my  mother to help me apply for that art school and you didn't". But I can't say that to her. She doesn't even come and see me. She hasn't been to my apartment since I put up all my paintings. She won't even meet me at the museum to see an exhibit. She's too busy with work.

... .

I know my mother admires me physically and intellectually but I don't need to be admired by my mother , I needed to be support and nurtured.

---

[Turkish]

... .

I know my mother admires me physically and intellectually but I don't need to be admired by my mother , I needed to be support and nurtured.

---

How do you think it would be different for you, if you were supported and nurtured, while admiring you physically and intellectually were far in the background?

How would you define, "supported" and "nurtured?" What do these terms mean to you?

[unicorn2014]

... .

I know my mother admires me physically and intellectually but I don't need to be admired by my mother , I needed to be support and nurtured.

---

How do you think it would be different for you, if you were supported and nurtured, while admiring you physically and intellectually were far in the background?

How would you define, "supported" and "nurtured?" What do these terms mean to you?

Well, when I was in elementary school, my mother entered me into art contests. All that stopped when I graduated from 5th grade. She stopped being involved in my life from that point on. My father took me to swim team practice in middle school and attended my musical events but I didn't attend my 8th grade graduation and went I got to high school everything went south.

Supported and nurtured means my mom would've continued to take interest in my gifts and talents into my middle and high school years.

However none of that matters now as I am an adult with my own teenage daughter.

I will say though if my mom supported and nurtured me as opposed to admiring me physically and intellectually I'd be a much more secure, easy going person. I'm not relaxed by nature.

[Turkish]

Was there something that happened at 5th grade graduation that coincided with the turn?

[unicorn2014]

I think what happened was I went back to a regular middle school that did not have GATE (gifted and talented education) and I fell between the cracks. I also think my mother lost interest in me as her own career and mainstreaming my visually impaired mentally gifted brother was more important to her. My alternative elementary school made my parents job easy for them.

[Turkish]

So when you were in GATE, you felt validated (also by the program, perhaps), but when you no longer were in the program, did you feel abandoned, perhaps because the GATE stuff was what your mother focused upon?

[unicorn2014]

The GATE program supported my needs as a mentally gifted minor. I only received that support for 3 years. Although I had GATE counselors in middle and high school, my parents weren't involved. They sent me off to visit Antioch college by myself and didn't help me with the application so I didn't even apply.

My mom used me to win art contests as a child but that stopped when I hit puberty.

My parents were never involved in my education. All they did was have my identified as a mentally gifted minor in kindergarten . They give me no support whatsoever . They've never validated me.

////

My high school honors English teachers were really involved in my life. One of them filed a child abuse report on my mom after I showed her bruises from a fight with my mom. Another one knew my parents were messed up but as a teacher there was only so much he could. He said I was the brightest student he ever had.

It breaks my heart to talk about this, frightens and embarrasses me. I feel like there are naysayers on the sidelines waiting to shoot me down.

[GrowThroughIt]

  Unicorn,

Sorry to hear about all you're going through and have been through.

I just wanted to add something to this thread.

I also have a brother who on the surface of things seems doted on by my parents.  Financial help (even if my parents have to borrow the money and get into debt themselves), constantly overlooking his faults, being critical of other children and not of him, happily partaking in his wedding (and paying for it), and showing more favouritism towards his children, amongst many many other things!

I used to be quite resentful of all of the above.  That was until I realised, the way they treat him is much more of a hindrance to his own personal growth.  There is a weird enmeshment of childlike personalities/emotions on both sides which mix to cause much more harm than good.  I feel like all those involved are trying to soothe their inner child and have the needs of their inner child met, unfortunately their interactions and dynamics only exacerbates the deep rooted core traumas.

I think in a sense we are fortunate.  We have (due to our neglectful parents) the ability to be more independent.  We can look at the whole dynamic without being in the kind of enmeshment our siblings are in.  All of this, can allow us to grow, if we so choose to.

 

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Grow Through It, I tried to reply once before but it timed out.

My brother doesn't like how our mother treats him. Independence is very important to him, perhaps the most important thing in addition to his son.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thank you Grow Through It, I tried to reply once before but it timed out.

My brother doesn't like how our mother treats him. Independence is very important to him, perhaps the most important thing in addition to his son.

Is there anything that he does to stop your mother from treating him like that?

I'm sorry to hear about your parents not being supportive when you were growing up.  I too have parents like that.  Not supportive and nurturing at all.  In fact, quite the opposite.

Are you doing anything (therapy etc?) in order to deal with the issues that stem from such neglect?

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Grow Through It, I tried to reply once before but it timed out.

My brother doesn't like how our mother treats him. Independence is very important to him, perhaps the most important thing in addition to his son.

Is there anything that he does to stop your mother from treating him like that?

Yeah, he lives with his girlfriend and their son. He's been independent for many years, not as long as me, but long enough. The reason why she offered for him to move back in was so that she could take care of him because of his asthma. His house is a mess because he has a cat and a dog and his girlfriend is a horrible housekeeper. Its really  more insulting to his girlfriend but my mom doesn't really like her, supposedly, so that's another story.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents not being supportive when you were growing up.  I too have parents like that.  Not supportive and nurturing at all.  In fact, quite the opposite.

Are you doing anything (therapy etc?) in order to deal with the issues that stem from such neglect?

I had 7 consecutive years with the same therapist to treat my childhood neglect. I also did 3 years of DBT during that time to deal with the personality warps that happened as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

I had an additional follow up year with another therapist followed by 6 weeks with a third therapist to deal with some relationship issues, which tied back into my FOO issues. That's how I found out my father has narcissistic traits.

Currently I'm working an ACA program.

----

I guess I shouldn't get triggered after all that therapy but some FOO things happened recently that were very challenging so I'm currently dealing with my own situational mood disorder on top of my PTSD.

[GrowThroughIt]

Thank you Grow Through It, I tried to reply once before but it timed out.

My brother doesn't like how our mother treats him. Independence is very important to him, perhaps the most important thing in addition to his son.

Is there anything that he does to stop your mother from treating him like that?

Yeah, he lives with his girlfriend and their son. He's been independent for many years, not as long as me, but long enough. The reason why she offered for him to move back in was so that she could take care of him because of his asthma. His house is a mess because he has a cat and a dog and his girlfriend is a horrible housekeeper. Its really  more insulting to his girlfriend but my mom doesn't really like her, supposedly, so that's another story.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents not being supportive when you were growing up.  I too have parents like that.  Not supportive and nurturing at all.  In fact, quite the opposite.

Are you doing anything (therapy etc?) in order to deal with the issues that stem from such neglect?

I had 7 consecutive years with the same therapist to treat my childhood neglect. I also did 3 years of DBT during that time to deal with the personality warps that happened as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family.

I had an additional follow up year with another therapist followed by 6 weeks with a third therapist to deal with some relationship issues, which tied back into my FOO issues. That's how I found out my father has narcissistic traits.

Currently I'm working an ACA program.

----

I guess I shouldn't get triggered after all that therapy but some FOO things happened recently that were very challenging so I'm currently dealing with my own situational mood disorder on top of my PTSD.

Some things just happen in life that cause us to want to blow off some steam.  I find this the best place to do it!

To be honest, I'm not sure how much (beneficial) advice I can give, as I don't believe I am anywhere near where you might be in your healing!  I have not as yet explored my FOO issues with a T.  So my insights etc are not as they should be to warrant my giving out advice!