Mirroring Television Shows and Movies

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This may sound strange, but then again... .here we are! My ex always watched movies and TV shows that I believe helped him with his "stories" he would tell about himself. Also I believe he thinks he can understand other people by "learning" behavior from them. He watches allot of military and war things to help with his pretend stories of being in war. We are both on a netflix account and I see what he is watching while his GF is off having her baby shower in Tenn. with her friends and family where she is from. She is a horse person from the country. He is watching shows about ranch living... .shows involving kids and unexpected pregnancies... .he even watched Talladega Nights! I am telling you ... .it is very clear to me he is trying to "learn" from these shows~ I always thought so, but it seems even more clear to me now... .anyone else witness this? The sad thing is allot of this is unrealistic and I don't think he understands this for some reason. Maybe I think he is more nieve than he really is... .but I swear he thinks the love stories are really supposed to be like that as well.

[Herodias]

This may sound strange, but then again... .here we are! My ex always watched movies and TV shows that I believe helped him with his "stories" he would tell about himself. Also I believe he thinks he can understand other people by "learning" behavior from them. He watches allot of military and war things to help with his pretend stories of being in war. We are both on a netflix account and I see what he is watching while his GF is off having her baby shower in Tenn. with her friends and family where she is from. She is a horse person from the country. He is watching shows about ranch living... .shows involving kids and unexpected pregnancies... .he even watched Talladega Nights! I am telling you ... .it is very clear to me he is trying to "learn" from these shows~ I always thought so, but it seems even more clear to me now... .anyone else witness this? The sad thing is allot of this is unrealistic and I don't think he understands this for some reason. Maybe I think he is more nieve than he really is... .but I swear he thinks the love stories are really supposed to be like that as well.

[once removed]

blue,

I believe he thinks he can understand other people by "learning" behavior from them.

He watches allot of military and war things to help with his pretend stories of being in war.

We are both on a netflix account and I see what he is watching while his GF is off having her baby shower in Tenn.

I am telling you ... .it is very clear to me he is trying to "learn" from these shows~ I always thought so,

who is learning behavior from whom?

[Thread]

I'm on the site because my husband is Bpd. But I also have come to realize one of my exes was a worse Bpd the thing I could never put my thumb on all came together after reading stop walking on egg shells.

Anyway th ex... .Yes totally did stuff like that. But what I observed was he would watch movies and actually start thinking he was exactly like the main characters. As if the movies we were watching were some reflection of who he was as a man. I always thought it was really weird because he was not like them whatsoever.

I do also notice HBPD watches movies often. It's like his favorite thing. He goes to movies alone all the time, I think he gets lost I them and it may be a place where he can get out of his own head for a minute or something. Not sure about learning from them, he's super into super hero movies and sci-fi.

So neither actualky lies about living lives like the movies they watch. I just think they think they are super lien the people they watch.

[Herodias]

Mine loves movies too... .Went alone allot!  I agree about the escape. Mine would take actual stories and use them as his own... .He told me once he thought he was like Christian Grey in "50 shades of Gray"... .Yes... .I suppose I am still learning about him and his Personality. He would use military stories as his own so he wouldn't get found out that he really didn't go to war... .

[gotbushels]

The behaviours described on this thread are very, very, very strange. I never met someone like the people you ladies talk about. I thought such things were only in the movies.

I hope things work out for you Heron and do stay safe.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm not sure if my ex copied or mirrored behaviour from films or tv or even books, but I am sure he used them as confirmation of his view that the world sucks and people do too and to find recognition others were 'different' too.

He used to use (at the time I didn't get it as I'm not really a film buff) quotes from Taxi Driver on nights out. I know 'normal' people quote films too but it's in combination with his other 'heroes' and how I got to know him this now alarms me. I think he identified with the depressed main character who suffers from insomnia.

His favourite tv series is House. At the time I didn't know my ex is an incredible misanthrope himself. Of course the "people lie" remark House makes all the time is a confirmation of my ex's view the world is a hostile place and nobody is honest (but him obviously).

He is very into music but not the 'poppy' kind generally speaking. He used to make clear he had a soft spot for Britmey Spears though. Not because of her music but... .And then he would be silent and smile. I think he either identifies with her less healthy behaviour or he has at some point be misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder as she claims she suffers from.

His favourite writers are Samuel Beckett and Emil Cioran. The first is claimed suffered from BPD. Both were misanthropes, pessimists, absurdists and nihilists. I read Samuel Beckett long ago (knowing S.B. scored me points before our relationship). Never again. His books are so depressing it makes you feel you're sinking into a major depression within 5 minutes. Lesser favourites are Kafka and Edgar Allan Poe.

Yes, connect the dots...

[gotbushels]

Before I knew about validation I would bring up how my ex's behaviour and expectations resembled some cultural soap operas that she used to watch (guilty as charged!). She was often curiously and noticeably quiet in response when this came up. It's unnerving to me to think that she used those as reality as sometimes they are extreme. They're definitely violently up-and-down (murder and ridiculous "romance". She was an avid liar and this instance makes me think that I can't believe that I dated her. Some of that soap opera behaviour was super unsavoury. Gosh maybe I was very desperate. My actions seem like that of a desperate SO:/ I could reason for a long time, but the results of my behaviour in tolerating her seem so desperate.   Looks like I need to go whip myself:P

[Circle]

I noticed this with my dpwBPD. It wasn't an ongoing interest in plot. It was an imitation of talking and attitude styles.

Same sort of thought here; what the heck? It's so bizarro‼️

[Livinginthelight]

Yes, yes, yes! My husband does this too. Since I left he has been picking up stuff from romance movies. He has no idea how to communicate , has no real since of self so he picks up things from other people and from movies . Lately when we get together to pay bills, discuss daughters wedding planning ect... .  the way he talks you would think we re the lovers in a Nicholas Sparks movie ! Talking about how he misses looking into my eyes and watching the lights dance in my eyes !  It's a constant barrage of that kind of stuff the whole time. 

[gotbushels]

Could it be maybe they didn't have healthy models of 'normal living' from 'normal parents'? In this way, even though the behaviour is very spooky, it could function as a coping mechanism. Like a bootstrapped DBT in a way. From there, if you see how closed a pwBPD can be to other avenues of help, this could be their way of self-treatment. Am I being too sympathetic?

[Jazzy]

Mine would watch the same movie many times till he knew the dialogues by heart  and then rattle off lines from the film  as if they were his own.

[Herodias]

Mine has the role models, but because he lies he needs help to be different people. Can't just be himself! Also doesn't understand people and their behavior and lacks empathy. I believe he uses Facebook for this as well! He believed his sister is so happy because of her pictures- not because they speak. I think he is trying to figure out how to get along with his country girlfriend since he is not from there- and figure out how to be with a baby. Where we would find out from other sources, I think they use tv and film because they can act like they are just watching a show and not feel dumb for asking. Besides, when the questions are tough like when mine needed war stories, he had to find them or be found out. The scary part for me when when he watched porn and thought that's how all women should act!

[gotbushels]

HAHAHAHAHAHA thanks Heron. Now I feel bad for laughing at your ex. I think you're enjoying yourself too much

[Herodias]

^ Well, I wouldn't say enjoying is the best word here... .fascinated though 

[Thread]

Gotbushels

I think you just hit that nail on the head. Yup. I think you're right. My HBPD totally didn't have parents who modeled things in a normal way. They both were from very abusive and or dysfunctional families, suicidal, depression you name it. Raised by two parents who are also maybe agoraphobic and when they would have arguments husband said they never had disagreements or Arguments in front of them. Ever. So when husband and I bicker it's like for him the whole world has ended because he doesn't know how to handle it.

Movies are soo his coping mechanism and I should have come to that conclusion on my own. It's like no wonder He goes alone so often. It's a need.

So glad so many finally responded to this post. I always wondered about these behaviors but thought maybe I was just reading into things too much. 

[Herodias]

Ironically, I started watching one of the shows. It's about a guy whose father treats him like he can not do anything right. He drinks, sleeps around and is 34! The same age as my husband. It will be interesting to see how the show goes, ... It's like he's watching a show about himself only it's his mother that treats him that way!

[Circle]

Art imitates life. Or is it the other way around? 

[Yaryar87]

I don't know if this counts as mirroring but my ex would watch shows and whatever he watched would become his reality.  He once watched a show depicting how shows like American idol are bad and selling your soul and he didn't want to watch tv or listen to the radio because he thought he was being brainwashed

[Thread]

Circle

I love that what a good thought to ponder on!

[gotbushels]

I don't know if this counts as mirroring but my ex would watch shows and whatever he watched would become his reality.  He once watched a show depicting how shows like American idol are bad and selling your soul and he didn't want to watch tv or listen to the radio because he thought he was being brainwashed

It could be related to how the media has some kind of influence on our lives. Our experiences of the BPD with media could simply be a more obvious one because we see the clear connection of a pwBPD copying behaviours. Instead of copying a physical act, they may copy the unobvious messages. Sort of like an adult version of a human trying to perform the same function of taking influence from somewhere. How do "normal" children learn what society's influences are? Perhaps the black hole extends beyond emotions, we've already experienced some form of its pervasive nature.*

Stepping back, perhaps this is some way to gain normality. We know that, "Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point of view -- it extends to understanding why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and fair.", and noting that a lot of ideas aren't "original"--it may just be that we can't see the connections to where we got our ideas about what's "normal" from. Compared to a pwBPD with copying behaviours--that to us may seem very strange.




* Nons describing the "black hole":

Emotional Black Hole ← example of projection or transference of a concept from a uBPDh.

Black Hole

The Attention Black Hole

[Wize]

My wife reads Catcher in the Rye once a month.  She has several copies of the book around the house.  Her mother, who is also BPD, will sit in a chair, rock back and forth and quote passages from Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls. I guess it's how they soothe their minds.   

[gotbushels]

I'm familiar with the themes of CITR regarding loss of something and attempts to fill something--there could be a message there. It's quite interesting that you've seen her read it often. Once a month seems exceptionally often. I'm not sure about any sort of themes in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

[Wize]

I'm familiar with the themes of CITR regarding loss of something and attempts to fill something--there could be a message there. It's quite interesting that you've seen her read it often. Once a month seems exceptionally often. I'm not sure about any sort of themes in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

My wife, like her mom, has gotten worse as she's gotten older.  Her BPD has crippled her and destroyed every valuable relationship in her life.  But, like Holden, she views the world and everyone in it as the reason for her problems.

[WishIKnew82]

Mine would totally change views, interests after watching something he was intrigued by. He would suddenly be a normal man wanting a normal life (if he would see a good movie on a normal man living his life with his wife, kids) when all he ever said was the opposite. If he would see something that was more worldly and free, he would take it out on me and say I don't have the same mindset and we don't go well together since he wants to be truly free and not live a more traditional life. If he would see people doing weed, he would want to just chill with his friends and have a relaxed life. It wasn't only movies or shows that could trigger this. Sometimes it was just having a dream about something or see a someone outside who supposedly had a certain life he'd like to have too. It drove me insane. We would watch a talkshow and he would see a actress and he would all be like 'that is the kind of woman that would suit me best'. The next day he would claim that he wants a strong female who was though. Next he wanted a timide girl who was more sensitive and wanted a man to protect her. He was just never just one thing. And that is why he hated me in those moments and called me boring. All of the things he was interested in was obviously not what I was since I am just one person. I can't change identities to suit his needs but he would feel those things so strongly that he would be unhappy with who he was and I was. But since I was there he could take it out on me and destroy my self esteem with making me feel like I was NEVER EVER EVER enough. Just writing this reminds me how totally one way our RS was. It was me trying to help him deal with all these feelings he was having ALL OF THE TIME. And this was just one small part of it. He had a whole bunch of ideas and feelings in all kinds of areas that were instable but all too real in the moment.

[gotbushels]

My wife, like her mom, has gotten worse as she's gotten older.  Her BPD has crippled her and destroyed every valuable relationship in her life.  But, like Holden, she views the world and everyone in it as the reason for her problems.

That sounds hard to deal with as a spouse. I can't relate in terms of time as I didn't stay with my ex long enough to watch it deteriorate to that point. I hear you though. We nons are all going through a similar set of behaviours so we're in this thing together.

I was just going over some of my notes on my time with my ex so I can relate if you're feeling like you're grasping for a solution and can't seem to find one. How have you been with regards to life with your spouse? Have you been handling the dysregulation okay? Go ahead and link me if you're feeling all-told-out. That's a little closer to memory than groundhog day with my ex.

[gotbushels]

Hi WishIKnew82  

And this was just one small part of it. He had a whole bunch of ideas and feelings in all kinds of areas that were instable but all too real in the moment.

Yes, indeed it's just one small part of it. And I agree with the bunches of ideas being unstable yet real.

I like where you're going with these two things.

It reminds me a lot of how the third criteria "3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self." works. In a few ways the person's sense of inner emptiness and chaos is described as the black hole that seems to try consume the non (see previous posts in this thread).

Because the person cannot rely on their sense of self, it appears to the non as though they are jumping from one log on the river to another. That's consistent with what you mentioned here:

Mine would totally change views, interests after watching something he was intrigued by. He would suddenly be a normal man wanting a normal life (if he would see a good movie on a normal man living his life with his wife, kids) when all he ever said was the opposite. If he would see something that was more worldly and free, he would take it out on me and say I don't have the same mindset and we don't go well together since he wants to be truly free and not live a more traditional life.

It also reminds me of how some of the BP behaviours manifest from this post from the pwBPD's perspective.

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

(... .)

 8. I don't really know what I want.

 9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

(... .)

Aside from your ex, how is the healing process going for you?  

[Lilyroze]

Thank you all very much for this thread and all who contributed. This is exactly what my ex to be has done. Never understood it. When physically sick in hospital, at work or home was constantly watching movies or T.V. No other interests to learn, grow etc. I am not judging just observing.

Then it got to the point that he used that info to become those characters, or try to play out the drama scenes with the kids and I. If people at work were happily married, I was wonderful, even if just a caretaker friend when he was ill. If people were getting divorced then he was and I was painted black. One example he and my son went to pick up a piece of furniture, he got all dramatic in car, embarrassed my son in front of friends ( doesn't remember or acknowledge). I got a great deal on some high end antiques that they picked up. I was wonderful. They get there and the person tells long story of how horrible wife is and they are getting divorced. He comes home and he is getting a divorce and I am horrible ( this was before I knew he had BPD and thought just physical injury).

He then went on to act out a scene from a movie he watched earlier. My very observant son pointed all this out. That he watches shows, or mimics people at his work, or hospital setting when ill etc.

He wants what others want or have, ( like we all can happen to do) but wants it all at once, and changes daily according to what he watched, talked to etc. He changes daily and is never happy in his mind and it is mine and kids fault.

I use to tear myself up trying to please even if getting divorce as thought he was sick. Now I just listen and tell him be whom you want. One day singer, astronaut, scuba diver, cowboy, etc.

I love to learn, do hobbies, help others and add to my knowledge base. It is OK he didn't just now I see many of the games, porn, and others were addictions. But more intriguing is the movies and shows were how he became different characters.

This has really helped my younger son understand to not get so hurt, angry or understand. I printed this thread and many of the tool threads out for him and his Pastor and counselor to talk over this afternoon.

On a different note my car broke down and had to be towed on last time we were ever in car together ( he is not safe for me to be with alone any-more letting alone driving me somewhere) and I was nervous.  Tow truck driver came, I sat in back he in front. Before I knew they were chatting away which is fine, he started giving advice on how to get into military, what division to get into ( He was never in military, but that is OK, I mean people gather knowledge and share it is all good), but then went on to say he was a sniper, what guns he used and real detail. I sat stunned he forgot I was in back, I could see his face in side mirror and it had his smirk when he is lying. He went on and on till we got dropped off with car. I got out and he looked as if stunned he forgot I was in the truck.  

Told my older son and he is said all that is from such and such a movie he downloaded last week... .sigh  

[Fie]

My BPD ex used to go to the movies alone too. He did that really often, and the more he got in a bad mood, the more he went.

He once told me a really weird story. If  someone  has any idea what it is about, tell me, I am still somehow curious about it.  He said that once,  in a stressy period, he watched youtube videos about INSECTS for a whole weekend. Like, he started on a friday night, only to 'wake up' from it on monday morning, realizing he had to go to work and thinking 'did I just watch insect movies for a whole weekend ?' He said he hardly remembered having eaten, slept, etc.

How about that ? Any ideas ? Why do people watch videos about spiders  fighting for a whole  weekend ? Ok, he was BPD so highly disturbed but still I think something else must have been going on... .

[Herodias]

My BPD ex used to go to the movies alone too. He did that really often, and the more he got in a bad mood, the more he went.

He once told me a really weird story. If  someone  has any idea what it is about, tell me, I am still somehow curious about it.  He said that once,  in a stressy period, he watched youtube videos about INSECTS for a whole weekend. Like, he started on a friday night, only to 'wake up' from it on monday morning, realizing he had to go to work and thinking 'did I just watch insect movies for a whole weekend ?' He said he hardly remembered having eaten, slept, etc.

How about that ? Any ideas ? Why do people watch videos about spiders  fighting for a whole  weekend ? Ok, he was BPD so highly disturbed but still I think something else must have been going on... .

Distraction from life. Weird one I agree... .but to each his own!

[Wize]

I was just going over some of my notes on my time with my ex so I can relate if you're feeling like you're grasping for a solution and can't seem to find one. How have you been with regards to life with your spouse? Have you been handling the dysregulation okay? Go ahead and link me if you're feeling all-told-out. That's a little closer to memory than groundhog day with my ex.

I filed for divorce a month and a half ago.  I couldn't stand the abuse.  Divorce should be final, pending stbx wife's cooperation, in about 2 months. We've been separated for 2 months.  I have no intention of ever seeing her again.