Mirroring Television Shows and Movies

[gotbushels]

On a different note my car broke down and had to be towed on last time we were ever in car together ( he is not safe for me to be with alone any-more letting alone driving me somewhere) and I was nervous.  Tow truck driver came, I sat in back he in front. Before I knew they were chatting away which is fine, he started giving advice on how to get into military, what division to get into ( He was never in military, but that is OK, I mean people gather knowledge and share it is all good), but then went on to say he was a sniper, what guns he used and real detail. I sat stunned he forgot I was in back, I could see his face in side mirror and it had his smirk when he is lying. He went on and on till we got dropped off with car. I got out and he looked as if stunned he forgot I was in the truck.  

Told my older son and he is said all that is from such and such a movie he downloaded last week... .sigh  

Wow. Revealing. I never saw the connection between BP traits and "stolen valour". This could explain some things. I know one person with outlandish tendencies not too far from the stories you shared--complete with a version of the smirk. It looks too close to a real smile for anyone to notice anything. Interesting indeed.

I printed this thread and many of the tool threads out for him and his Pastor and counselor to talk over this afternoon.

Please be wary of this. My ex heavily dysregulated and the cycle persisted over several months when she found some of my things.

Take care Lilyroze.

[Herodias]

"On a different note my car broke down and had to be towed on last time we were ever in car together ( he is not safe for me to be with alone any-more letting alone driving me somewhere) and I was nervous.  Tow truck driver came, I sat in back he in front. Before I knew they were chatting away which is fine, he started giving advice on how to get into military, what division to get into ( He was never in military, but that is OK, I mean people gather knowledge and share it is all good), but then went on to say he was a sniper, what guns he used and real detail. I sat stunned he forgot I was in back, I could see his face in side mirror and it had his smirk when he is lying. He went on and on till we got dropped off with car. I got out and he looked as if stunned he forgot I was in the truck."

Exactly! Mine watches military movies to tell the "war stories" to his co-workers and friends. His Boss called it Stolen Valor too... .He couldn't believe he was lied to like that, having been a marine. It really bothered him, yet he is friends with him on Facebook and wished him congratulations on the baby! I just don't get it! Maybe there are some people that feel sorry for people still, but to have been through all that I have and have someone else know about to, it is very upsetting.

[WishIKnew82]

Hi WishIKnew82  

And this was just one small part of it. He had a whole bunch of ideas and feelings in all kinds of areas that were instable but all too real in the moment.

Yes, indeed it's just one small part of it. And I agree with the bunches of ideas being unstable yet real.

I like where you're going with these two things.

It reminds me a lot of how the third criteria "3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self." works. In a few ways the person's sense of inner emptiness and chaos is described as the black hole that seems to try consume the non (see previous posts in this thread).

Because the person cannot rely on their sense of self, it appears to the non as though they are jumping from one log on the river to another. That's consistent with what you mentioned here:

Mine would totally change views, interests after watching something he was intrigued by. He would suddenly be a normal man wanting a normal life (if he would see a good movie on a normal man living his life with his wife, kids) when all he ever said was the opposite. If he would see something that was more worldly and free, he would take it out on me and say I don't have the same mindset and we don't go well together since he wants to be truly free and not live a more traditional life.

It also reminds me of how some of the BP behaviours manifest from this post from the pwBPD's perspective.

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

(... .)

 8. I don't really know what I want.

 9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

(... .)

Aside from your ex, how is the healing process going for you?  

The strange thing is he admitted in his vulnerable moments that he felt like he had something inside him that was empty at all times. He was aware of this. I consoled him when he felt sad about it. Which brings me to my healing process (thank u for asking!) cause it is going better compared to a few months ago but I still have moments (like right now) that I feel so terrible that there will never be closure. He will never see me for who I am and hate me forever. It feels so heartwrenching that someone you loved so much has a totally distorted view of you and will never admit he may be wrong about you. Sometimes in those weak moments I want to contact him and try to find a common ground in which we can part but I know I am just fooling myself and he probably went even deeper in the trenches so I know it will be hopeless to even try. All the trauma he has put me through is something I just deal with I guess and I forgive him. Maybe that is what makes it worse. I forgive him and hold no grudges while he is full of hate and vengefull. I think that is the only thing that will never be better. I can move on and feel better about myself and forgive myself and live life happy. But that will always sting. He was my best friend. I don't want anyone to hate me, let alone my best friend. Still craving indifference towards him. It is all I want so I can really be free.

[Butilovehim]

I experienced this too. We watched tv series. The last was Big Bang.  He kinda identified with Sheldon. With him it was more identifying with a character. I finally realized that what he was doing by watching these show was that he was trying to teach me who he is.

He mostly identified with Buffy which I have never watched and I think that really bothered him because it was as if it was a refusal to learn about him. Mosty it was the character angel he was identifying with.

He feels he is beyond mere mortals. My words not his. He feels transcendent. He saw he is destined to come back as an angel or an innocent soul. He is not sure which he prefers. He believes he is walking a righteous path and for the most part he truly. Does. He is kind and generous and lives children. He volunteers until  the social anxiety gets the best if him but he tries. He is never outwardly mean or vindictive only to me recently in what u can only attribute to BPD.

But yes definitely a connection with characters in tv.

[gotbushels]

The strange thing is he admitted in his vulnerable moments that he felt like he had something inside him that was empty at all times. He was aware of this. I consoled him when he felt sad about it.

My ex did the same after about one year(?) I also consoled her.

it is going better compared to a few months ago but I still have moments

It does get easier--that you are having less frequent times of negative feelings is a good sign.

All the trauma he has put me through is something I just deal with I guess and I forgive him.

You seem to have a positive readiness to forgive. That seems like it would be encouraging for you. Try not to get overly worried about how he reacts to your swiftness to forgive. Often, forgiving takes a strong person and it's difficult to attack its basis. Forgiving him doesn't mean you want anything further to do with him. It's not saying you're excusing your own behaviour when one forgives another. It needn't be accompanied by "sorry" either. Some people do forgive faster than others.

Is it realistic that you don't want anyone to hate you? Answering that with your thoughts might help you with moving toward feeling indifferent. Try be gentle with yourself, know that you've made progress and it will keep getting better. I encourage you to explore a bit more WishIKnew82--you seem able to be reasonably non-negative to yourself   

If you're interested in finding out more about healing, there are some good "why?" questions here that would be helpful to you.

[cherryblossom]

 

Mine was watching this is england mini series when i came over one night he knew i was coming over - the storyline where and woody split - she has affair with his best friend - ends up pregnant he gets into a relationship with someone else, her violent rapist dad comes balck rapes her friend - she kills him her ex takes blame - she tries to kill herself when she gets psychosis and woody comes back to her and leaves the new girlfriend and they promise to grow up and get back together  - they end up marrying - i had a strong feeling he was trying to tell me something about what he felt might happen with us by setting it up - who knows? I also walked in on him watching girl interrupted once. No current sign or evidence of him feeling anything positive  towards me or himself

[Herodias]

Mine was watching this is england mini series when i came over one night he knew i was coming over - the storyline where and woody split - she has affair with his best friend - ends up pregnant he gets into a relationship with someone else, her violent rapist dad comes balck rapes her friend - she kills him her ex takes blame - she tries to kill herself when she gets psychosis and woody comes back to her and leaves the new girlfriend and they promise to grow up and get back together  - they end up marrying - i had a strong feeling he was trying to tell me something about what he felt might happen with us by setting it up - who knows? I also walked in on him watching girl interrupted once. No current sign or evidence of him feeling anything positive  towards me or himself

Wow... .that is telling. What is that series?  That sounds wild! Mine liked "Girl Interrupted" so much he bought it! They may be trying to tell us or trying to figure it out for themselves... .hard to say.

[WishIKnew82]

The strange thing is he admitted in his vulnerable moments that he felt like he had something inside him that was empty at all times. He was aware of this. I consoled him when he felt sad about it.

My ex did the same after about one year(?) I also consoled her.

it is going better compared to a few months ago but I still have moments

It does get easier--that you are having less frequent times of negative feelings is a good sign.

All the trauma he has put me through is something I just deal with I guess and I forgive him.

You seem to have a positive readiness to forgive. That seems like it would be encouraging for you. Try not to get overly worried about how he reacts to your swiftness to forgive. Often, forgiving takes a strong person and it's difficult to attack its basis. Forgiving him doesn't mean you want anything further to do with him. It's not saying you're excusing your own behaviour when one forgives another. It needn't be accompanied by "sorry" either. Some people do forgive faster than others.

Is it realistic that you don't want anyone to hate you? Answering that with your thoughts might help you with moving toward feeling indifferent. Try be gentle with yourself, know that you've made progress and it will keep getting better. I encourage you to explore a bit more WishIKnew82--you seem able to be reasonably non-negative to yourself    

If you're interested in finding out more about healing, there are some good "why?" questions here that would be helpful to you.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I try to think of it that way also. I forgive him for what he has done. That has nothing to do with my own behaviour nor do I try to make it less worse. It is just something I feel and go with and it makes everything a whole lot easier to deal with. I don't understand everything he has done. HORRIBLE things. But I still forgive him for it.

Well it is realistic in the sense that his hate is out of this world. So well, some people will not like me in life, dislike me but I am talking about a very intens hatred. I've never even met someone who hated someone like that let alone that I would be the person who is hated. I loved him so much and put so much of my energy in him, how can he forget about all that and feel this hatred for me that I can only describe as hate that someone would have for the murderer of your children or something. It is not a normal kind of 'hate'. So yes, I would like that kind of hatred to stop. I hate feeling he hates me that much. He doesn't have to like me. But that hatred is really out of this world. Thinking that he's not thinking straight is the only thing that helps me deal with his hatred and feel more indifferent but that is just for that specific moment. It is hard. Really hard. I still love him and he hates my guts. And I did EVERYTHING for him. It is like convincing someone the sky is blue, he will never see it that way.

Thank you so much for your insight and kind words. I will check the link you posted.

Just curious since you said your ex told you the same. Do you still have contact with her and how does she feel about you in general?

[Leonis]

Haha this is gold.

My ex apparently watches a lot of the Bachelorette. There was one point during our breakup process that she tossed out how she thought the way I proposed to her wasn't really that awesome. She felt I could have learned a thing or two from watching that show.

I was actually not offended, just trying not to burst into laughter.

And I think she also emulated some of the qualities from the characters from the anime Darker Than Black after we finished the series. It's actually somewhat creepy to think an adult does this because I remember doing this as a kid. The sad thing is, I know her family (I've been to her parents' place many times) doesn't even have TVs, etc. in the household. So, not only her parents, particularly the mom, were abusive, they also controlled the flow of information.

[cherryblossom]

Wow... .that is telling. What is that series?  That sounds wild! Mine liked "Girl Interrupted" so much he bought it! They may be trying to tell us or trying to figure it out for themselves... .hard to say.

Im British Blue and the original film by shane meadows was followed up by 3 series v successful and close to British people's hearts - social realism - in some ways i think it's great there are films / series like this because many people have messed up difficult lives - and this gives a voice to people who are not living in a fairy tale dream - but equally in real life not sure a relationship could withstand what they went through - who knows - i feel like its been a contributing factor in my hope - silly i know x

[cherryblossom]

Film is called This Is England

Series: this is england "86", this is england "88" and "90"

[Herodias]

Film is called This Is England

Series: this is england "86", this is england "88" and "90"

Thanks... .I will look for it.

[Skyglass]

Yes! My exBF watched movies and binge watched shows all the time. It went beyond just a typical healthy person watching movies/shows. He would choose which ones he wanted to watch and I noticed the characters he would begin mirroring. The last show he was binge watching was House and go figure that this was during the time he broke off our r/s. His father was also very devout with movies and was always controlling. His father even devoted an entire room to being a movie theater. I use to think it was great that my ex and his father had movie times together. Until I realized just how deep the BPD went. Sometimes, I had my real BF with me and other times I had the guy who wore a Superman tshirt. Not kidding. He also believed he could take on anyone like the people in the movies if it came down to fighting for his life in real life and would be the hero.

[gotbushels]

Yes, you are absolutely right. I try to think of it that way also. I forgive him for what he has done. That has nothing to do with my own behaviour nor do I try to make it less worse. It is just something I feel and go with and it makes everything a whole lot easier to deal with. I don't understand everything he has done. HORRIBLE things. But I still forgive him for it.

Possibly WishIKnew82. Observe that you're the one that started forgiveness of him--so you were absolutely right in the first place.   Step by step.

Well it is realistic in the sense that his hate is out of this world. So well, some people will not like me in life, dislike me but I am talking about a very intens hatred. I've never even met someone who hated someone like that let alone that I would be the person who is hated. I loved him so much and put so much of my energy in him, how can he forget about all that and feel this hatred for me that I can only describe as hate that someone would have for the murderer of your children or something. It is not a normal kind of 'hate'. So yes, I would like that kind of hatred to stop. I hate feeling he hates me that much. He doesn't have to like me. But that hatred is really out of this world. Thinking that he's not thinking straight is the only thing that helps me deal with his hatred and feel more indifferent but that is just for that specific moment. It is hard. Really hard. I still love him and he hates my guts. And I did EVERYTHING for him. It is like convincing someone the sky is blue, he will never see it that way.

Wonderful. That clarifies things a lot. Yes, your first statement didn't seem to accurately describe how you view peoples' impressions of you. This does.

Some people don't like me. My ex was probably the peak of a hatred against me I've ever felt. I loved her too. It also seems that you want that hatred to stop. I felt I did too. This whirlpool boggled me too. A lot of my life was based on how many people didn't hate me. Now here's this spanner in the works? It is really hard, especially when you do so much for the partner. You're very right.

Yes, some of us like to try convince people the sky is blue.*

... .If I said the sky was blue she would say green (so we could have a discussion as she puts it), but it always ends with me being frustrated and in an argument. ... .

... .If I believe that the sky is green and someone else thinks it is blue, then, we can each think that. ... .

Perhaps collectively, the BPs could be trying to change the colour of the sky? 

"You know... .you can please some of the people... .some of the time." Steve Jobs 1997.

Just curious since you said your ex told you the same. Do you still have contact with her and how does she feel about you in general?

Sure. I'm not in touch with her. I wouldn't consider her someone I want as a friend, regardless of our dating history--that's my quick litmus test. Last I talked with her she tried to do basic projection of the summary problems of the relationship all onto me. Saw it coming, so shrugged it off. I don't know how she feels about me beyond that.

To be fair and give some balance to the thread--I put her through possibly more hell than other nons. I was ignorant and I have a sort of excessive personality. Those two are bad news in any human if you think about it. Put it through a BP's filters, remove "normal" problem solving methods, mix up a specific batch of elements; and I go from difficult → tyrant. When one understands how disordered the wiring is up there, we find out just how harmful the combined function of two people can be. <edit:content>

I hope you find some rest:)




* Maybe an extreme form of trying to convince someone of different beliefs?

[cherryblossom]

in the end weeks he watched "touching the void" -human survival film -didn't inspire him enough though obvs took easy cowards way out

[Ahoy]

I found our relationship had to carry the same passion and intensity of the notebook or (insert Nicholas Sparks book here)

We separated in a period where (I assumed) we both knew we would be working hard for our future, we were close to setting ourselves up for life, however we had a lot less free time and ability to go on outings or do fun activities.

So of course after wholeheartedly agreeing to our sensible plans, I was suddenly 'not romantic enough' or 'never had time to take me out anywhere' No matter how much I tried to make her see we hat BOTH agreed to this, AND in under two years, we could have endless time for little adventures and romantic dinners, it was not good enough.

The reality of marriage and trying to set ourselves up for our future kids sake got in the way of her hollywood notion of love and boy did that help accelerate my devaluation.

It's a shame, we really were two years away from not needing to worry so much about money, I was so very excited to move to her state with her friends and live a more relaxed life. I don't know if she ever truly 'saw' these plans or whether she just agreed with what I said because of idolisation. I'll never know. One thing is for certain, romantic comedies are now at the bottom of my 'to watch' list .

[Herodias]

I found our relationship had to carry the same passion and intensity of the notebook or (insert Nicholas Sparks book here)

We separated in a period where (I assumed) we both knew we would be working hard for our future, we were close to setting ourselves up for life, however we had a lot less free time and ability to go on outings or do fun activities.

So of course after wholeheartedly agreeing to our sensible plans, I was suddenly 'not romantic enough' or 'never had time to take me out anywhere' No matter how much I tried to make her see we hat BOTH agreed to this, AND in under two years, we could have endless time for little adventures and romantic dinners, it was not good enough.

The reality of marriage and trying to set ourselves up for our future kids sake got in the way of her hollywood notion of love and boy did that help accelerate my devaluation.

It's a shame, we really were two years away from not needing to worry so much about money, I was so very excited to move to her state with her friends and live a more relaxed life. I don't know if she ever truly 'saw' these plans or whether she just agreed with what I said because of idolisation. I'll never know. One thing is for certain, romantic comedies are now at the bottom of my 'to watch' list .

Yes,  as long as we were living the fantasy we were fine. When reality set in- forget it. I must have done a pretty good job because we were together 9 years- I still wonder how he is doing with a baby. If that isn't reality I don't know what is!