Attempt at contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My son's grandmother brought him to my place tonight after not having him for 3 weeks, because I set No Contact

Later on that evening grandmother text saying my son's mother left her keys in his diaper bag and could mom come get them. As long as we were together it was never her thing to leave keys in his bag. She always had them in her purse or pant pockets.

Yes I'm paranoid, yes I'm skeptical

And why do I smile at the prospect of her trying to break No Contact?

I'm sick

[JerryRG]

My son's grandmother brought him to my place tonight after not having him for 3 weeks, because I set No Contact

Later on that evening grandmother text saying my son's mother left her keys in his diaper bag and could mom come get them. As long as we were together it was never her thing to leave keys in his bag. She always had them in her purse or pant pockets.

Yes I'm paranoid, yes I'm skeptical

And why do I smile at the prospect of her trying to break No Contact?

I'm sick

[heartandwhole]

Hi JerryRG,

I don't think you are sick. It's natural to want to feel wanted and loved. There might also be addictive patterns at play—what do you think? This is so hard, especially when there is a child involved. It must be really hard to stay NC when you have to make arrangements for childcare?

Let all your feelings come and just feel them if you can. They will dissipate, and you can get back to your peace of mind and detachment.  

Have you seen this information about communicating with an ex (even if not divorced)? How to "Ex" Communicate (Parenting after the divorce)

Maybe you've already been doing that with your ex; I really like the "just the facts" type communication, even though it feels cold and weird at first.

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

"I'm sick" is a belief Jerry, a disempowering one, and beliefs are like software, changeable and upgradeable.  What empowering belief could you replace I'm sick with?  Or reframe it, like "Wow, these emotions I'm feeling are a surprise, what do they have to teach me?  How can they help me grow?  What could I make this me that supports me?"

[sweet tooth]

Jerry, I'm no expert. However, I recommend that you speak to a lawyer and a mental health professional. A lawyer can give you sound advice on how to deal with this situation in regards to your son and cover yourself legally. A mental health professional can equip you with the tools to help you emotionally.

[Lonely_Astro]

Jerry,

NC isn't a rigid thing. It's like a diet. Contact isn't always bad, unless you judge it to be so.  In Zen, stuff happens.  That stuff is neither good nor bad. We, as humans, judge what's good or what's bad.  

So, with that said, she left her keys in the diaper bag.  She called the grandmother instead of you and told them.  Then asked if she could come get them.  Why is that perceived as bad?  Was it a way for her to break your NC boundary?  Perhaps. Or she accidentally put her keys in the bag.  In your mind, it's a manipulation trick.  But maybe it's happenstance.  You two have a kid together.  She already has the ultimate go to if she wants contact with you: your kid.

I had contact with J the other day.  Her cousin, who she was close to, committed suicide.  I sent her my condolences.  It was the human thing to do.  That did spark a conversation between her and I (spread out over 2 days).  :)o I feel bad that I talked to her?  No.  She had some things she wanted to say to me and I to her.  I'm not back in her orbit or anything, it was just a conversation.  Whether what she said during that conversation or not was true... .I have no idea nor do I care if it was.  It was nice to hear what she had to say, but that doesn't mean I've forgiven or forgot what happened between the two of us.

My point, Jerry, is you aren't "sick".  Relationships are complex.  Even more so with a pwBPD.  :)uring that conversation with J, she was the J I knew.  But I also know that wasn't sustainable and the conversation was sparked from her dysregulation of her cousins death.  She probably meant what she was telling me in that moment, but who knows what she's thinking today.  :)oes it matter to me?  No.  I won't treat her like she isn't human, regardless of how bad a person I think she is.  

It's ok, Jerry. Really. It is.

[JerryRG]

Thank you all so so much

I am not ready to talk to her because of our past and I don't trust myself yet. She cycles as you said Astro but I'm not perseptive to her manipulation. I grew up with narcissist parents, I seem to not have developed the skills you and others seem to have to deal effectively with pwBPD.

I am learning but it takes time. I do still love her and that too makes me vulnerable because she knows the hell we've been through and I still stayed. I belive she thinks I will accept bad behaviours as I did in the past.

My motives? I am doing the NC to protect myself, from her and myself. Our son needs at least one stable parent in his life.

My insistence on being in a relationship with her and my distorted thinking about our sons need for her have allowed me to make many many mistakes. Our son would be in my complete custody and safe had I just listened to the people who could see the reality of this, I was and still am in the FOG.

Thanks to all of you it is clearing

Oh and this is her second time at trying to see me, the last time she had a letter but didn't have my address which was a lie, I know my ex maybe better than she knows herself. I know she deliberately put her keys in our sons diaper bag. She misses me as I do her. One day there will be peace. She's ok today, but she will cycle again and change.

[lunchbox123]

So you've discussed her possible motives, but what did you end up doing?

Personally I'm not afraid of being contacted by my ex, I don't have much nice things to say to her anyway. As long as I'm not the one contacting her I don't see myself losing any progress in NC.

[JerryRG]

Hello lunchbox

She hasn't had my phone number for months the a friend shared it with her and she made contact. Evidently the keys being in my possession isn't enough of a problem so she hasn't contacted her mother. She just wanted to come over, bat her beautiful eyes at me and watch me react. She is the perfect women (idol) in my eyes, and too good to be true. She cannot live up to my expectations of perfection and I cannot either.

We met for a reason, her and I have experienced supernatural events that I will never be able to explain. So I accept this all happend for reasons I won't know here on earth. We saved each other from certain death, I was pretty much set in my ways, dry drunk miserable and hopeless and she was on meth.

Today I'm working, hopeful and reasonably healthy and I have a great life and a beautiful son. She has life, the rest is her choice, I wanted to be by her side when she did bloom but it wasn't meant to be.

I'm grateful for this whole experience and God willing I won't forget.  My God is an awesome God.

He gave me everything I asked for and turned every nightmare into a new morning.

Stay this coarse, NC, my recovery, education, exercise, spirituality, counceling, diet, rest, work, caring for my son, and finding the ever alusive balance in life.

Thank you all

[JerryRG]

Not that it matters but I looked at my exBPDgf keys and it was her car key and both apartment door keys and the only thing that has changed is she's had full custody of our son for the past 3 weeks.

I have texted her mother a few times today with no reference to keys, so 1. The keys were not that important that she needed them last night. 2. She texted moments after I got our sons bag last night, so if she did indeed loose them she figured out pretty quick where they were. 3. She just needed an excuse to see me, she is throwing out the bait for me to bite like so many times before.

See how much energy I put in investigation, speculation and rumination? And I wonder why I'm fatigued .

She's so funny, at least I'm laughing and not crying

[Herodias]

Mine would contact me over wanting things and when I said nothing, it was forgotten. I understand how you feel about them "wanting" you, but just remember what it's really about. Games... .It is probably her spare keys or she would be more panicked. Try to get them to her Mother or leave them in a mail box for her to pick up or something. You don't want contact. It could just end up in a fight... .especially in front of your son- not good. Be smart.

[JerryRG]

That is true Blue

As much as I've worked, prayed, fantasized, dreamed or denied ain't nothing going to change her.

Games indead, foolish childish games that never end.

They live in fantasy while we have to live in reality

I will take a bad reality over a good fantasy any day