first post

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone. I've been reading on here for a long time, even though I haven't posted until now this board has really helped me . I've been married 24 years to an uBPD. Been reading and detaching for four years , finally left my husband five weeks ago.  I rented an apartment Jan 1st , took my time moving things out little by little . One day he came home from work and I just felt I could not stay another minute , I had to go . I love my apartment. Actually love living alone . I had been terrified to actually leave . The fear is what kept me there for years. The first week after I left my husband missed the whole week of work. Said he just couldn't be around people.  He is now back to work and functioning pretty well but seems to think I'm coming back any day. I thought it would get ugly pretty quick but he has gone back to the lovebombing he did when we were dating . And I know that is all it is but it is still so hard sometimes. Our daughter gets a little upset with me sometimes .she says Im enabling him to manipulate me and I know she's right. But after 24 years it's hard to untangle all at once.  Those hooks are deep. And even though I know the things he says are not real sometimes I so want to believe it is.  He is really pulling out the big guns. Wants to go to church with me , he ordered tickets to Phantom of the Opera . All sorts of things now that I've gone.  When I was there he didn't want me to go to church and he never went with me.  And would never have considered going to a play. Sorry for rambling on , just met with him tonight to pay bills and feeling really bad. 

[Livinginthelight]

Hello everyone. I've been reading on here for a long time, even though I haven't posted until now this board has really helped me . I've been married 24 years to an uBPD. Been reading and detaching for four years , finally left my husband five weeks ago.  I rented an apartment Jan 1st , took my time moving things out little by little . One day he came home from work and I just felt I could not stay another minute , I had to go . I love my apartment. Actually love living alone . I had been terrified to actually leave . The fear is what kept me there for years. The first week after I left my husband missed the whole week of work. Said he just couldn't be around people.  He is now back to work and functioning pretty well but seems to think I'm coming back any day. I thought it would get ugly pretty quick but he has gone back to the lovebombing he did when we were dating . And I know that is all it is but it is still so hard sometimes. Our daughter gets a little upset with me sometimes .she says Im enabling him to manipulate me and I know she's right. But after 24 years it's hard to untangle all at once.  Those hooks are deep. And even though I know the things he says are not real sometimes I so want to believe it is.  He is really pulling out the big guns. Wants to go to church with me , he ordered tickets to Phantom of the Opera . All sorts of things now that I've gone.  When I was there he didn't want me to go to church and he never went with me.  And would never have considered going to a play. Sorry for rambling on , just met with him tonight to pay bills and feeling really bad. 

[Teereese]

  Livinginthelight, welcome. This is a wonderful place with a great supports.

I filed for divorce last year and am coming out of a 22 year marriage to an uBPDstbxh.

Please don't feel as if you are rambling. You are going through a tough, emotional process.

I stayed in the FOG for so long as well. We all have to make the right choice for us when we feel the time is right in our individual situation.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You sound as though you know the course you are taking and have made healthy choices for yourself.

Manipulation is the game for him right now and he is playing.

You are right, it is hard to untangle 20+ years, especially when there are still things that require both of you to tend to.

All I can offer is support. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Livinginthelight,

I'd like to add my welcome to you    I'm so glad that you decided to write some of your story after reading for a while. I think writing things out really helps, and as you've probably noticed, so many of us can relate to what you are going through. I'm sorry to hear about your separation from your husband. I can imagine how hard it was to do.  

I echo Teereese's comment that 20+ years is a really long time to untangle patterns that aren't working anymore. Be gentle with yourself. This journey takes patience and self-compassion. I admire your strength to leave and move into your own apartment—that was a HUGE step, and I commend you for it. That shows that you have already changed.  

You mentioned your daughter. Is she the daughter of you and your husband? How old is she? Do you have supportive friends and other family around you?

Keep writing. We're here to support you and let you know that you are not alone.

heartandwhole  

[sweet tooth]

Welcome to the board!

Sounds like FOG at play:

-You were afraid to leave

-He bought tickets to a play (obligation, he already paid for them)

-He wants to go to church (another obligation, this time to God)

-If you say "No" you will probably feel guilty.

If it were me in your situation I would think to myself, "He's making an effort to reach out to me and make me happy." It must be confusing, because more than likely it's just manipulation. You said that you're happy living alone. I'm glad that you are content with that arrangement That will make the separation a little easier. Some people don't like living alone, which makes it more challenging.

As a religious person, I think it's pretty low to use God in a manipulation tactic... .

[gotbushels]

Welcome Livinginthelight:)

I feel the same way heartandwhole does--I admire your strength. Please don't forget to be kind and gentle to yourself.

Have a restful weekend:)

[Livinginthelight]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I am feeling some better today. Heartandwhole, you asked about my daughter.yes , she is our daughter together.24 and out of the house.  She and her dad are working on they're relationship.  She is a lot better at not putting up with any nonsense out of him though.  Where I have a tendency to fall down the rabbit hole , she just shakes her head and walks away. He knows this and he usually at least tries to behave better with her.  Him wanting to go to church with me did throw me for a bit.  He went once when I first left and it was miserable. I didn't want to tell him no because I thought God wouldn't like that , but then I thought no one knows better than God who he is and how he is. Church is my time for peace and respite away from all the crazy, and it is time that I spend with my family and I'm not going to let him invade that anymore . Yes I do have good friends and family who have been so supportive , but of course they can't understand why I can't just stop. I left and they think that should be the end of.  If only it were that easy!

[gotbushels]

Breakups where both exs are involved in church can be tough Livinginthelight. I'm glad you have friends and family who are supportive despite them not understanding the church issue. Would seeing him at church after the breakup affect you?

[Livinginthelight]

He never went to church, not one time while we were together but he went with me that first Sunday after I left. Said he had found God and he was suddenly seeing all the things he had done that was hurtful during the relationship. His emotions can be very extreme.  Over the top.  That day  at church he kept saying he was so excited to be there . Wanting to hold hands. Sitting there crying.said he was going to keep going even if I didn't go with him , but he hasn't been back , that was just to try to get me to come home.

[gotbushels]

A healthy distance between the person's emotions and our own helps us. Also, seeing the tangible results at that healthy distance can help too. It can help to clear obscurity away and make it easier to inventory our lives. Extreme emotions are difficult to deal with and distresses the receiver. My sympathies to you Livinginthelight.

[letmeout]

Welcome Livingthelight! I can relate to the manipulation after you leave, mine also wanted to go to church with me when he never did before. I wouldn't let him go because that had been my only sanctuary away from him for years. Plus I knew he would quickly manipulate everyone in the congregation!

I also love living alone, mostly because it was such a relief not to put up with the  crazy talk and bad behavior anymore. Hold your ground, he will pull out all the stops to try to get you to come home because in a BPD's mind, they have to win.