Validating them

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My question is this: I understand the idea of validation. I have an anxious child who sometimes doesn't want to go to school. When I validate his feelings, he relaxes and feels understood. But he still has to go to school!

What if it I have to validate a broken promise and it is just too hard? My pwBPD promised to come and visit. I called him on Wednesday to see which day he will come. He immediately began back-pedaling and talking about his finances (he is stressed about them but all it would take to visit me is a tank of gas)). Yes, I could have empathized with his financial stress and I did to a point. But it is emotionally difficult for me to validate (and help him justify) yet another excuse not to see me.

I guess I feel like I do most of the trying in this relationship. I have done too much and let him get away with too much. And it's slowly creeping up on me that I don't get much in return.

[Narkiss]

My question is this: I understand the idea of validation. I have an anxious child who sometimes doesn't want to go to school. When I validate his feelings, he relaxes and feels understood. But he still has to go to school!

What if it I have to validate a broken promise and it is just too hard? My pwBPD promised to come and visit. I called him on Wednesday to see which day he will come. He immediately began back-pedaling and talking about his finances (he is stressed about them but all it would take to visit me is a tank of gas)). Yes, I could have empathized with his financial stress and I did to a point. But it is emotionally difficult for me to validate (and help him justify) yet another excuse not to see me.

I guess I feel like I do most of the trying in this relationship. I have done too much and let him get away with too much. And it's slowly creeping up on me that I don't get much in return.

[Narkiss]

Second question: it's been about a year. Should I have a talk with him? Tell him I understand but ask him what does he want and where does he think this relationship is going? Or is it futile because he feels so differently from day to day. (One day he loves me incredibly. The next day he comes to the city where I live but doesn't let me know he is in town). So I couldn't count on what he says anyway. (I feel like there is something very wrong with me for accepting a relationship like this)

[patientandclear]

To your first post: I suggest separating out two different issues. You can validate that he does not want to come or doesn't want to be pressured to come (might both be related to compartmentalization and engulfment, with the latter having a dollop of resenting control thrown in).

AND you can consider and decide what you want to do about the fact that radical acceptance tells you that this is how this guy feels and acts.

You probably cannot, by validation, change how he feels and acts. I think when you link these two questions (validating the feelings behind his choices, and your own reaction to those choices), the temptation is to think that your validation will resolve gaps btwn what he wants and needs and what you want or need. Respectful validation of a felt need doesn't mean you can or should meet it.

[Grey Kitty]

I think asking the disordered person to lead your relationship is a bad idea.

Second question: it's been about a year. Should I have a talk with him? Tell him I understand but ask him what does he want and where does he think this relationship is going?

Where do you think this relationship is going?

Where do you want it to be going?

Make sure you have your answers before you even think about asking him... .