Getting Motivated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD wife of 20y left me three years ago. I've worked through the anger, the sadness, the trying to understand etc etc. However, I need some input here.

I am curiously unmotivated. Lethargic. I'm self-employed and am doing just enough to pay the bills and put a bit of food on the table. I just can't seem to find the 'fire' to get going again.

I am in a new relationship and this hesitancy on my part is starting to cause problems there too.

Has anybody else experienced this? Any ideas/tips to get going again?

I don't think I'm depressed but I am just drifting along - and I need to make some changes and make them fast, too!

Any ideas?

[warhar]

My BPD wife of 20y left me three years ago. I've worked through the anger, the sadness, the trying to understand etc etc. However, I need some input here.

I am curiously unmotivated. Lethargic. I'm self-employed and am doing just enough to pay the bills and put a bit of food on the table. I just can't seem to find the 'fire' to get going again.

I am in a new relationship and this hesitancy on my part is starting to cause problems there too.

Has anybody else experienced this? Any ideas/tips to get going again?

I don't think I'm depressed but I am just drifting along - and I need to make some changes and make them fast, too!

Any ideas?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi warhar,

I fluctuate from feeling unmotivated to feeling motivated.  However, for me to move forward in life, I feel I need more consistent motivation on a regular basis vs spurts of it.

Sorry I do not have much to suggest.  I am posting because I am stuck on this as well, even have made a thread of my own on it.  So I hope as more post here, I can participate in a more helpful way... .for all.

I know what DOES help me is regular outdoor exercise to get the right brain chemistry activated in me.  

Music would be a second favorite motivator.

I actually wish I felt a stronger desire to meet personal goals though.  I suspect, my ex relationship... .the intense fear of harm was such a huge motivator that my system wants a 'fight/flight' sensation to feel motivated.  (I was always motivated to action to defend the latest attack from his ex or his kid). This 'need' for hyperarousal to be motivated worries me some.

Oh, another thing I find motivating is not letting someone down.  If someone is depending on me, my follow through is way better than if I am doing something for me.

Do you exercise?

What in the past have you found motivating?

Have you considered anything that sounds potentially motivating?

[C.Stein]

My BPD wife of 20y left me three years ago. I've worked through the anger, the sadness, the trying to understand etc etc. However, I need some input here.

I am curiously unmotivated. Lethargic. I'm self-employed and am doing just enough to pay the bills and put a bit of food on the table. I just can't seem to find the 'fire' to get going again.

I am in a new relationship and this hesitancy on my part is starting to cause problems there too.

Has anybody else experienced this? Any ideas/tips to get going again?

I don't think I'm depressed but I am just drifting along - and I need to make some changes and make them fast, too!

Any ideas?

Yes, I am in the same boat as you, excepting the new relationship.  Can't seem to motivate myself to do anything but the bare minimum which is a step away from ringing the death toll of a small business.  I was in a good place before I met my ex, motivated with plans to grow the business.  Then she came into my life and all that came to an end.  I am trying to find the passion again and it has been elusive so far.

[Lifewriter16]

I'd like to join the potential throng of the unmotivated.

I can see that sitting at home, writing, meditating and posting on this website, whilst contributing to my healing, is just not enough to make me feel that I have lived my life and enjoyed living it, rather than just limped apathetically through it until I died.

I want to find a new joy for living. It's a pity I can't buy that at the supermarket because I'm completely at a loss to determine what I need to do for myself.

Love Lifewriter

[WoundedBibi]

I've been thinking about this for a bit. My situation is obviously completely different; I want to do so much but right now I physically can't.

I do recognize this a bit, I usually go a bit trough the motions (except for work where I always do more than needed) until I meet another PD guy, and I get this incredible boost of energy.

I guess the first question would be: is there anything else you ARE passionate about? Some of you said writing and music. Is there something like that for the others? I dunno football, DIY, gardening, cars?

If you imagine you wouldn't do the work you do but you would have a business/job that has to do with your passion, so organizing a music festival or a running a shop with football gear, being a carpenter, building a community garden, run creative writing courses, etc, does that image of you doing that give you a good feeling? A spark of energy?

[troisette]

Add me to the club.

My  get-up-and-go has got-up-and-gone. Maybe low grade depression?

I'm pathetically proud of myself. After being housebound for five weeks due to illness I finally got it together to book a last minute holiday. This from someone who's travelled the world for pleasure and work, on my own, for 45 years. I am unpleasantly surprised at how much self-confidence I have lost.

Meh.

[Lifewriter16]

I'm pathetically proud of myself. After being housebound for five weeks due to illness I finally got it together to book a last minute holiday.

Troisette, that's wonderful news. Have a fabulous time. It could be just what you need.

Lx

[troisette]

Thanks Lifewriter - it'll be good to not have worry about bumping into him every time I'm out! 

[troisette]

Whoa! Fate plays tricks!

Last minute shopping for my hols and I hear my name called. Six months nc and he's a few yards away. Gathered my wits and a ten minute, pleasant conversation ensued.

Held up my hand as a salute to say goodbye and he brushed his palm against mine.

I am so pleased to be leaving town tomorrow! I was triggered, not as much as I expected. Aware that he still holds physical attraction for me, also aware, during our conversation, at how he deploys charm. Aware that I am still vulnerable. Also aware that he was mirroring me. Made myself remember his other personas.

Am now motivated: to get out of town!

Phew.  

[Lifewriter16]

Hi troisette,

You've done well there! You spotted that he was playing you and walked away.

My BPDxbf used to tell me that my previous fella (who appears to be NPD but I was oblivious to PDs at that time) was 'playing me like a fiddle'. I've only just realised that he could see that in him because that's exactly what he himself does.

Sometimes, I wonder if 'God' is checking to see whether we are ready to move on to the next thing when he puts our exes in our path. I've repeatedly failed the 'test' and fallen right back in where I was. I'm nearly one week out of my 9th breakup (and the relationship part only lasted 1 week) and still checking my email account and mobile phone, however, I'm beginning to stop expecting a message and my anxiety is lifting. I'm beginning to feel better without him.

Will I fail the next test? Will I fall for the usual ploys yet again?

Enjoy your trip.

Lifewriter x

[troisette]

Thanks lifewriter.  

Me too, my exBPD said exactly the same thing about ex NPD and I wondered where he'd got such knowledge! That was before I knew about BPD.

I think it's normal to check phone and email but don't be hard on yourself. I also agree that there is a bigger pattern and we have lessons to learn. A diminishing length of time of relationships can be seen as part-success, yours only lasted a week. That's good.

One way to help ourselves is  to read and read and read about all PDs and also to read to discover why we were vulnerable. I now run at lovebombing, or ultimata. Better to be vigilant than to fall again. I also know I was vulnerable to his extreme tactility due to lack of it in my childhood.

I know that Bibi's comment about feeling alive when I meet a PD resonates with me. This due to the drama and crises of my childhood. Note to me for the future!

In a way I'm glad he saw me yesterday. A few months ago I'd have been jelly, it feels as though I've had an allergy shot if you know what I mean and hopefully am better prepared for when I next see him. (She said... .)

Keep on keeping on. Congratulate yourself that it was only a week and eyes wide open for the future!  

[WoundedBibi]

Wow! That was some test... Especially when he (on purpose I would say) touched your hand. You didn't cave though. You didn't turn into jelly 

And you even managed a 10 minute pleasant conversation. I'm impressed! Go troisette!

Lately I catch myself almost wishing I will run into him in the months to come. To see if I am as detached as I think I am. I know there will be no pleasant conversation as he is a very negative person when he is not idealizing. About work, his home country, exes, life in general. But it would be a test to see if I turn to jelly, or am still physically attracted to him or turn into a nervous wreck.

[C.Stein]

But it would be a test to see if I turn to jelly, or am still physically attracted to him or turn into a nervous wreck.

Do you feel a need to test yourself?  Do you think there might be a better way to determine this without the risk of more emotional pain?

[WoundedBibi]

But it would be a test to see if I turn to jelly, or am still physically attracted to him or turn into a nervous wreck.

Do you feel a need to test yourself?  Do you think there might be a better way to determine this without the risk of more emotional pain?

Well... The less I miss him, the less I think of him, have a need to check up on him etc, the more detached I obviously am. I do think running into him would be the ultimate test though. I mean it's easy saying not having seeing him for 9 months I'm getting detached. But do I still feel like that when I see him?

There are others things that need to be done first though. Such as returning to work which scares me way more than running into him.

[C.Stein]

My litmus test is this site.  When I can read any post on this site and not be triggered into some type of emotional feeling (sadness, guilt, remorse, anger, etc... .) from a memory then I am healed, or as much as I will be.  I do believe there has been damage done that cannot be undone, but that is the nature of life.

[troisette]

Hi Bibi - just returned from my vacation. Was so good to be away with space to reflect, be with other people and have fun. Both you and I have experienced looking at the walls with illness and freedom and new people, although transitory, was very helpful. I haven't caught up with the boards yet so don't know what's happened about your diagnosis. Hope it is better than thought.

Thanks for your comments about chance meeting with ex. I was pleased I didn't turn to jelly and I thought it fortuitous to meet him just before I went. My fear of meeting him and turning to jelly has gone. I was able to see him more clearly. The big hurdle of fear of meeting him is diminished as I know we can have a superficial conversation, I was concerned that it may have presented as a big drama moment so relieved that we can be superficially polite. Having said that, I didn't like the brushing of palms. Creepy and a timely indicator.

So, I consider it good that I saw him. I knew we would meet sooner or later and my concern at what it would hold was growing. So that's laid to rest; whilst I will never seek him out, my concern is hugely diminished, feel much more relaxed about that. It was an unsought test of how I would respond and was valuable.