Letter to the ex in-laws

[joeramabeme]

Hey All - 3 months since divorced from an 11 year marriage.  I am still in the acceptance phase and have had this idea of sending a letter to each of the in-laws for the last ~3 months to say goodbye. 

I have been delaying actually doing anything because: 1) it would mean that I acknowledge that the marriage is really over and 2) i wasn't sure exactly what to say to her family and 3) I have a hope that one of them will contact me afterwards to debrief and share in some of my grief - even as I am aware that this is not likely to happen.

Today I have wrote out all 3 greeting/goodbye cards with a simple message saying thanks for the memories and I wanted to acknowledge the time we spent together.  With one of the cards I am sending I provided some contact information and floated the idea of contact or getting together if they were interested - this was the in-law I was closest to.

My emotions have been scattered.  I have painted out some worst case scenarios of doing this: 1) My ex told them what a rotten guy I am and they will write back a caustic note to me.  2) They do not write back at all - which I believe is the likely scenario given that this is HER family.  3) My ex finds out and gets even more angry at me for invading her family space.

All the same, I have two compelling reasons to go ahead and do it: 1) it feels like the right thing for me, and 2) they may feel like I do and would enjoy getting a card that acknowledges everything.

Has anyone else done this?  It feels pretty awkward... .

The last time I saw my in-laws I think we were all under the impression that I would see them again in a couple of months.  I haven't seen them in about 1.5 years (thanksgiving 2014) and the ending of my r/s' with them feels as amputated as the ending of my marriage.

I am pretty confident I am going to send these cards tomorrow but wanted to ask others for any input they may have so I don't miss the obvious or - heaven forbid - I am denying or masking an obvious reason I should not do it.

Thanks

[Herodias]

That's tough... .My stbx husband's Mother knew what happened. She said she wasn't going to tell her husband about my finding him in bed with someone else... .she seemed to want to protect her husbands health. I think he eventually found out. I was very, very close to the Father. We stood hugging and crying over my husband and shared lots of horrible moments together in the past. His Mother and I talked allot about things and she was the one that told me she didn't know what he was capable of years ago. She knows how he is and was... .She never understood why I stayed so long and kept wanting me to leave him and be strong. She didn't understand why I cried so much when we split up... .She didn't want to talk about him with me though. She said she couldn't stand to hear any more bad things about him. She wanted me to quit figuring out what he was and move on. I think she wanted to remain friends with me, but realized it was impossible. We got along very well... .we are very much alike. It's all kind of sad. I would get a text from her once in awhile. I told her that he would repeat the pattern and I sent her a note when I found out his gf was pregnant. (I predicted that too)... .I guess I was rubbing it in her face in her eyes. I know she can't control her 35 year old son... .I know she wishes she could. His parents choose to not deal with him as they used to. I noticed the Dad and the Sister (who doesn't have much to do with him) friended the gf on FB. The Mother did not and I am glad to see that. We are not divorced and she knows this girl cheated on her husband with mine. She actually called her trash and told me she didn't want to see all the love-bombing crap. The sister never bothered to get to know me... .I am sure she won't with the gf either. I guess my whole point to this is, the last I heard from the Mother was an after thought, texted birthday wish in Feb. Breakups are hard on everyone involved. I am hurt that the Father never said another word to me since wishing me a Happy Fourth of July. I wonder how he could not even say to me, Gee, I know how hard you tried and I am so sorry it didn't work out. I am not sure it would be best to remain friends with the in-laws. I am not sure it's possible and remain no contact with the ex spouse. If I were you, I would make a phone call and not do a card. Just because of what you said... .what if they don't respond. It could make you wonder and feel worse. You don't know what your ex told them and you won't know how they will react with out talking. It may not go well either way, but I understand wanting to make contact. It feels right. I feel like the Parents should say something if they know what you went through. In my case, they choose not to talk because it is all bad... .they want to pretend all is ok. They prefer not to talk about him and shove it under the rug... .awful.

[Grey Kitty]

Dunno... .

First off, I'm assuming that there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation here. If there is a chance, perhaps wait until that is resolved?

Second thought... .decide if you want this to be a "hello" or a "goodbye" instead of doing both. (If you want to stay in contact, be a bit more vulnerable, and tell them you care about them and still want them in your life. If you don't care... .why even send the card?)

Are these people you want to have an ongoing relationship with? (Never mind what your ex might think... .what do you want with them?)

In my case, I'm having a much more civil breakup, and my ex has a father, two brothers, and two sisters. I like her dad, but know he has trouble with this kind of thing, and she's staying with him... .so I'm staying mostly away although I've been in touch. I talk to one brother every month or so on the phone. The other brother is very hard to deal with, and I won't miss him at all. One sister I like and am in touch with... .the other sister is kinda depressed/withdrawn, and I'm probably not going to bother chasing her to stay in touch, and don't expect much back from her. She was a lot more fun ~5 years ago.

[joeramabeme]

Dunno... .

First off, I'm assuming that there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation here. If there is a chance, perhaps wait until that is resolved?

Second thought... .decide if you want this to be a "hello" or a "goodbye" instead of doing both. (If you want to stay in contact, be a bit more vulnerable, and tell them you care about them and still want them in your life. If you don't care... .why even send the card?)

Are these people you want to have an ongoing relationship with? (Never mind what your ex might think... .what do you want with them?)

In my case, I'm having a much more civil breakup, and my ex has a father, two brothers, and two sisters. I like her dad, but know he has trouble with this kind of thing, and she's staying with him... .so I'm staying mostly away although I've been in touch. I talk to one brother every month or so on the phone. The other brother is very hard to deal with, and I won't miss him at all. One sister I like and am in touch with... .the other sister is kinda depressed/withdrawn, and I'm probably not going to bother chasing her to stay in touch, and don't expect much back from her. She was a lot more fun ~5 years ago.

GreyKitty, good food for thought.

If there is a chance for reconciliation I am unaware of it and I would say that it is highly unlikely.

I like your idea of being more vulnerable.  I am including my phone # and address and I anticipate that out of the 4 cards I am sending, there is a chance with 1 to have some kind of post-divorce contact with.  The others are unlikely to want this and are perhaps are too anxious to actually do it - but you never know.

Thanks - this has changed the content of what I will say and has helped me to feel a little more "normalized" about what I am doing.

JRB

[Grey Kitty]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the funny/ironic one of my "inlaws" The ex-wife of my wife's brother [the one I've got no use for]. She has stayed connected... .and I like her a lot too. Her brother is really freaked out by her, and my father-in-law is really kinda weird about her... .I think he would like to stay connected with her, but is kinda afraid of that brother's emotional games/tantrums, and is just sorta weird about it. Which is one reason I'm a little more distant from my FIL.

I like your idea of being more vulnerable.  I am including my phone # and address and I anticipate that out of the 4 cards I am sending, there is a chance with 1 to have some kind of post-divorce contact with.  The others are unlikely to want this and are perhaps are too anxious to actually do it - but you never know.

As long as you appreciate them and would like to have direct contact with them, telling them this will feel right. And yes, the ball is in their court, for them to deal with when and if they feel like it.

(And if you aren't interested in that much, as I said... .I don't see much reason to send them a "goodbye" note)

Vulnerability and the strength it takes is pretty cool, isn't it?

[Dutched]

Seeing this topic intrigued me very much as it is a topic rarely mentioned. Thanks for that!

I understand what you are saying. It depends all on the ex in-laws of course. You know them, however blodd is very thick.

So what Grey Kitty says and suggests sounds more that very reasonable!

My history with ex in-laws was long, but also with a ‘pause’ of a 9 yrs. as exw blew up the r/s with her parents at age 18.  Contact was re established due to the efforts of her younger sister.

So all well and family was reunited, our kids were born, etc. and most gatherings were pleasant.

But somehow there was an unhealthy pull as trying to get me on a leash, as your are ours. So I detached in a way.

Anyway, after exw blew all up, I sent them an email, just BIFF and ‘regards <name>’.  Of course no response as I already long before the end knew about me being bad mouthed by exw in her family.

2 yrs. ago, an ex sister in-law out of the blue visited my Linkedin a few times within a week. Than the other sister did the same.

That was a ‘what the heck is happening’ moment , couldn’t figure it out, so I couldn’t resist writing them an email. I thanked for visiting my profile and asked them to remember their deep pain and grieve that lasted all these yrs. after exw also dumped them in that outburst. Asked them if they could see the pattern in the behaviour of exw. throughout her life.

The sister that put the effort to reconnect exw with the family responded.

She knew ‘something was awkward’, but never could pin point or make sense of exw’s behaviour.

Now, that sister (and even a niece!) have a good and respectfully contact, lately even had a nice lunch together.

Nor exw, nor the older sister of exw know about our contact.

So, joeramaben, do what feels right for you, take what was suggested and than you have to wait.

I didn’t expect anything back, was surprised in a positive way however