Still in love

[steelwork]

I just am. It's been almost a year and a half since I was dumped, and I've gone over everything in my head over and over and focused on all the negatives. On top of the fact that he's clearly much more mentally ill than I realized, I am pretty convinced that he would have held me back artistically, would have become increasingly critical of how I live, etc . I'm 99% sure it would have ended anyhow (even more painfully) within a few years if he had taken me back when I left my bf for him. He really DIDN'T understand me... .to a large degree, the person he adored was not me but a person he invented.

Anyhow, he hasn't done a thing to reach out to me in all this time, even to bury the hatchet.

Still, I'm in love with him. When will that end? What if it never does?

[steelwork]

I could have had him (or so he said) at any time in the first two and a half years of our r/s. He proposed to me, wanted me totally, and I didn't make the leap. Some of it was fear, difficulty leaving old attachments, logistics, but not all of it.

No, something else held me back. I knew it wasn't right. His behavior worried me, even when we were most in love. I recoiled from the pressure he put on me, hated his guilt trips, knew I wouldn't make him happy. Knew he was idealizing me and not seeing me. Worried he'd dump me when I got older. But it doesn't matter: still in love.

[WoundedBibi]

Out of curiosity... How do you define being in love? What does that look like for you? How do you know what you are feeling for him is being in love?

[steelwork]

Out of curiosity... How do you define being in love? What does that look like for you? How do you know what you are feeling for him is being in love?

I don't think I can define it. I just know I never felt like this about anyone else. There's the lust part, but that lust has a very strong emotional component. He combines disparate parts of what I care about that I never saw together in one person. His contradictions are thrilling to me. I love being around him. I want to go back in his life and be there for all of it. I want to make everything okay for him.

It's just something I know. That I'm in love with him.

Do you have a definition of being in love?

[FannyB]

Interesting. I still love my ex but don't feel in love with her i.e. I like to hear from her periodically to know she's okay but have no compulsion to spend all my time with her as I once did.

Do you still crave your ex's company Steelwork and would you be powerless to resist if he summoned you? Or do you just care for him very deeply because no-one touched your soul the way he did?


Fanny

[steelwork]

Do you still crave your ex's company Steelwork and would you be powerless to resist if he summoned you? Or do you just care for him very deeply because no-one touched your soul the way he did?

Yeah, I crave. I don't know what I'd do if he summoned me, to be perfectly honest.

[FannyB]

Do you still crave your ex's company Steelwork and would you be powerless to resist if he summoned you? Or do you just care for him very deeply because no-one touched your soul the way he did?

Yeah, I crave. I don't know what I'd do if he summoned me, to be perfectly honest.

Wow - then I would say that you are in love with him, or at the very least obsessed. But at least you recognise the feeling and are honest in articulating it. I'm sure it will morph into something more manageable in time if he doesn't recycle you - but the risk of that sounds pretty high if he has the inclination.

Fanny

[Penelope35]

Steelwork you just described what you liked or loved about him. But what about the things you didn't? You say you want to be in his life for all of it. Are you sure you could put up with All OF IT?  Do you really want to be in a one sided relationship and end up functioning like a robot so that you wouldnt trigger him? You also said you want to make everything OK for him. Well... .you know you can't right?

Steelwork you know so much about BPD and you are always there to give meaning to everything that we have gone through and everything we are feeling. Are you sure today is not just one of those very low days? 

[HurtinNW]

Steelwork,   

You feel love and desire for him. But do you like him?

How much of this feeling do you think might be hurt and loss from him not trying to recycle you?

[WoundedBibi]

Out of curiosity... How do you define being in love? What does that look like for you? How do you know what you are feeling for him is being in love?

I don't think I can define it. I just know I never felt like this about anyone else. There's the lust part, but that lust has a very strong emotional component. He combines disparate parts of what I care about that I never saw together in one person. His contradictions are thrilling to me. I love being around him. I want to go back in his life and be there for all of it. I want to make everything okay for him.

It's just something I know. That I'm in love with him.

Do you have a definition of being in love?

Most of it sounds like you're in love, wanting to be with someone all the time, being excited by him. But it also sounds like you're a bit addicted.

I recognize the thrilling contradictions; my ex had those too and I do myself to a degree and it's wonderful finding someone who is similar. But the contradictions also mean there is a component of drama, of not knowing what to expect.

Especially wanting to go back into his life and having been there for all of it, to me sounds addicted or perhaps obsessed. And wanting to make everything ok for him, is a saviour/victim thing. If he's an adult he should make his life ok himself. Like you should do for you.

I just can't imagine being in love after having been dumped 1.5 years ago. Do you still regularly see him that these feelings keep being fed?

And I can't imagine still being in love after 1.5 years if the relationship was with a pwBPD and so an abusive one and you have had time to realize what it was and that it's not ok.

A part of me will always care for my ex, I feel compassion for him because of his illness and the hell he has to live in. But I'm not in love anymore. I can't be in love with a man who has treated me so badly by painting me black. I have no wish to share his life anymore as I don't want to live in hell. And it would be with his behaviour that I now know cannot be made ok by me (or any other partner) and that will not change. That is not how I want to live, or an environment for children to grow up in.

[Scopikaz]

It's been four months for me since she left. But yeah. I can relate. I feel I'm still in love too. Or obsessed.  I don't know. But you said they had all the right pieces basically that fit to make them the one that you are in love with. That's true of my ex.  The right mix of intelligence. Humor. Beauty.  Conversation. Caring. Kindness.  Intensity.  You name it. She had the right mix of everything. Was she perfect. No. Certainly not. But I love(d) her nonetheless.  Warts and all. She just couldn't do the same. Wasn't capable.  And Is now living more of a life of parties.  Bars.  Etc. with all that entails - late nights. Drinking.  Meeting up with people who do the same. Who in my mind will keep her with little or no direction in life.  But deep down I wonder who the real her is. This. Or who she was when we were together.

[leew2110]

Love doesn't just fade away, if only it was that easy.

I stayed in love with mine for 2 year after she dumped me and went silent treatment on me.

Not a day went by I didn't think of her then after 2 year I started to accept things... That's when she came back, only to build my hopes up once more and leave again just like last time.

Now I miss her so badly but also feel so sad coz this time I know I can't go thru it all again.

I miss her presence, her smile and her arms around me... Nobody has ever made me feel the way she did and prob never will feel that way again...

But I think you finally hit a point where you realise you can't take anymore.

Took me 10 years of this to reach this point and all I feel is sadness & loss tho I can't go back.

Our gut tells us it isn't right and we mourn heavily I think while desperately clinging onto hope it can change... After 10 year, I have had to come to terms it doesn't...

All you can do now is cry, mourn and wait for the day you feel at peace again

[Reforming]

Hi Steelwork,

First of all I would say that it's not unnatural or uncommon to have strong feelings for your ex or even to be in love with them for quite some time after a relationship ends.

It's easy to bury those feelings or mask them by finding a replacement but that isn't healthy either.

Dismantling or relinquishing a deep attachment can be very challenging even when you know that it wasn't healthy or secure.

To go back to your original question. "When will it end?"

That's kind of up to you.

Detaching is not a passive process.  It won't happen automatically.

It takes real, sustained effort and it hurts. It means grieving and learning to accept a new reality which may be very different to what you hoped to have.

But unless you really make a decision to detach and really commit to it - you get stuck.

It may not be much comfort and it may not feel like it right now, but the power is really in your hands.

Susan Anderson's book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" has some really helpful insights about letting go and healing.

www.amazon.com/The-Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship/dp/0425172287

All the best

Reforming

[zeus123]

what you are feeling for your BPDex is not love, it's infatuation, addiction and obsession. try to drop the word LOVE from your vocabulary it will make you feel stronger and wholesome and helps you with your recovery process...

[sweet tooth]

what you are feeling for your BPDex is not love, it's infatuation, addiction and obsession. try to drop the word LOVE from your vocabulary it will make you feel stronger and wholesome and helps you with your recovery process...

I don't think it's fair to tell another person what their emotions are. That's just my opinion.

[steelwork]

Thank you all for these responses.

Steelwork you just described what you liked or loved about him. But what about the things you didn't? You say you want to be in his life for all of it. Are you sure you could put up with All OF IT?  o you really want to be in a one sided relationship and end up functioning like a robot so that you wouldnt trigger him? You also said you want to make everything OK for him. Well... .you know you can't right?

Oh--when I said "I want to go back in his life and be there for all of it" I meant all the years before I knew him. The things you asked about... .well, right, my rational brain says no. But am I still in love? Yes.

Steelwork you know so much about BPD and you are always there to give meaning to everything that we have gone through and everything we are feeling. Are you sure today is not just one of those very low days?  

Aw, thanks, Penelope! Really, that's sweet. I don't know hardly anything about BPD, though. Whatever meaning I provide is just based on whatever I know about people, mostly.

FannyB: risk of recycling is very much reduced by the fact that he brought the curtain down on me. He's not coming back, no way.

HurtinNW: yes, there is a lot of truth to what you say. The fact that he doesn't want me anymore is just agony. It was a huge shock to the system, because there was never a moment when he wasn't wanting me and telling me about it and making me feel guilty for not being available until BAM he had a new relationship. And then he froze me out, then came back and toyed with having a "conversation" but then kept backing out and then ghosted. I can't express how savage that whiplash was. He was all the sudden willing to hurt me as much as he felt like. And it had the effect of making me desperate for what had been, because I wanted the pain to stop.

And it was all so unresolved, because he would never talk about what happened, and then he disappeared.

WBB said, "I just can't imagine being in love after having been dumped 1.5 years ago. Do you still regularly see him that these feelings keep being fed?"

I don't see him at all! He's vanished from my life. I think that fact is actually keeping me MORE hooked. I am adhering to NC, not that I have a choice, and I do think it's for the best. Still, sometimes I think that if I had to deal with the "new" him (he said he felt like a different person), then maybe it would be easier for me to detach.

Reforming, thanks for your understanding.

To go back to your original question. "When will it end?"

That's kind of up to you.

Detaching is not a passive process.  It won't happen automatically.

It takes real, sustained effort and it hurts. It means grieving and learning to accept a new reality which may be very different to what you hoped to have.

But unless you really make a decision to detach and really commit to it - you get stuck.

It may not be much comfort and it may not feel like it right now, but the power is really in your hands.

Thanks. I really have made a decision to detach. I did that a long time ago. But the decision isn't enough. I don't THINK I'm being passive. What would being active/making a sustained effort look like?

I don't ever contact him, I've stopped asking mutual friends about him, I got rid of the texts, emails, voicemails, blog... .I've been going therapy twice a week for over a year and am about to start going more. Dealing with really heavy FOO issues, gaining insight about the roots of my attraction to problematic people and why I have a hard time letting go. I'm exercising, writing, socializing, watching my diet, doing things for other people, etc.

Susan Anderson's book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" has some really helpful insights about letting go and healing.

www.amazon.com/The-Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship/dp/0425172287

Thanks for this!

So, yes, I am stuck. I feel very stuck. I have pretty bad depression. Some of this is part of a general pattern of perseverating and feeling stuck, having to do with depression and a childhood where I wasn't heard or considered. I have had a life that's set me up for being traumatized by abandonment. All the people I loved as a child abandoned me in one way or another. I'm programmed to love then anyhow.

Trauma has to do with things that happen to you that are out of your control, and this became something very much out of my control. He made a big point of getting the upper hand, lashing out at me, setting the terms, generally putting me under his thumb. I know the only way I can have control is to move on, but it's easier said than done.

I am still in love with him. I guess that seems messed up, but there it is.

Thank you for listening.

[steelwork]

Oh, and as for grieving: I'm in a total abject state of grief several times a week. I accept that it's over, I don't expect him to come back, and I've grieved a lot. I'm terrified that there won't be an end to the grief. I said before on some other thread that I've been grieving for my dad for 35 years. (He died when I was not quite 15.) I'm actively grieving for the childhood I should have had, for the mother's love that I should have had, for the security and safety I should have had. I grieve and grieve.

I guess I just don't think I'm being passive.

[JerryRG]

Just wanted to thank you all for this post.

In my case I believe I fell in love with myself through my exBPDgf mirror. She became everything I wanted until she couldn't be. I choose to see the fantacy rather than fact. I knew in my mind what I refused to believe in my heart. Lust, infatuation, codependency, denial don't make a healthy relationship.

Seeking only for myself here, what you all have said gave me a great deal of clarity. I feel myself panic and think I lost the best girl I've ever met and that is fantacy, lies. I read these experiences and come back down to reality. She never did love me no matter what I did or didn't do. Like pouring water into a bottomless well.

I read something on fb the other day that made me laugh and kinda want to cry at the same time.

"Maybe we are here to love wildly, passionately and fearlessly" whisperd the heart.

"You are going to get us all killed! Yelled the brain.

[FraFra85]

It's been four months for me since she left. But yeah. I can relate. I feel I'm still in love too. Or obsessed.  I don't know. But you said they had all the right pieces basically that fit to make them the one that you are in love with. That's true of my ex.  The right mix of intelligence. Humor. Beauty.  Conversation. Caring. Kindness.  Intensity.  You name it. She had the right mix of everything. Was she perfect. No. Certainly not. But I love(d) her nonetheless.  Warts and all. She just couldn't do the same. Wasn't capable.  And Is now living more of a life of parties.  Bars.  Etc. with all that entails - late nights. Drinking.  Meeting up with people who do the same. Who in my mind will keep her with little or no direction in life.  But deep down I wonder who the real her is. This. Or who she was when we were together.

4 months also for me. I feel a mix of love, obsession, addiction, strong sexual desire (she is very attractive). In some moments of weakness I go to check her profile on FB and it cause me pain, she put a lot of pics with my replacement where she looks happy (also if I know that probably it's fake happiness or could be idealization). Some days are easy for me, some days are hard, and temptation to write her or check her profile are strong, and I still think a lot about her sexually (we had really great sex). I had long honeymoon without abusive episodes; one stressfull day she painted me black and out of the blue she closed with me few days after and after 2 days she found replacement.  It's very hard to keep NC and to detach. I'm still in the fog.

[HarleypsychRN]

what you are feeling for your BPDex is not love, it's infatuation, addiction and obsession. try to drop the word LOVE from your vocabulary it will make you feel stronger and wholesome and helps you with your recovery process...

When you continuously replay those images in your mind, we (non-BPDs) end up blaming ourselves somehow, instead of realizing the pervasive nature of the disorder. Soon after moving in, my ex-BPD began to dismantle me piece by piece... .my music, my clothes, my teeth weren't white enough, etc, etc, etc. etc.

If you want to call that love, have at it but it's unhealthy for a relationship. Add to that the lies, the deceit, and all the other pathological behaviors they display.

I was addicted to the idealization she bestowed upon me. That's the drug that gets you addicted.

There seems to be some debate if what they felt for us was "love". That can be argued forever, it helps me that for whatever the reason (biological, environmental, a combination) my ex-BPD is unable to tolerate a stable loving relationship.

Do yourself a favor and look ahead instead of behind. You'll drive yourself mad trying to understand what they do what they do... .just understand the dynamics that are common to the disorder and then try and identify what is it in YOU that led you to that relationship.

You'll never change them but you can change you.

[steelwork]

Soon after moving in, my ex-BPD began to dismantle me piece by piece... .my music, my clothes, my teeth weren't white enough, etc, etc, etc. etc.

If you want to call that love, have at it but it's unhealthy for a relationship. Add to that the lies, the deceit, and all the other pathological behaviors.

Well that does sound awful! It just wasn't my experience. I mean, the signs of devaluing all came at once, after he told me I'd been replaced. So I guesswe had pretty different experiences. I'm not calling the angry post-r/s behavior "love,"though.

[patientandclear]

Steelwork--just wanted to say I so identify with this post. Actively grieving, doing all the things, sure it is over, it's been a long time since I had any contact (again), intensive therapy (my fifth therapist since we first split), fully engaged in work and parenting ... .

I still feel intense sadness over this. I wonder daily whether it had to be this way (and then wonder how many other women wonder the same thing about him). I have asked all the questions people correctly raise here, about whether what I feel is love or addiction, whether he garnered those feelings from me under false pretenses (yes), how much is my hurt or trauma-bonded need to have him un-hurt me. In the end, based on all that was actually good, I am still in love, and wish I'd known enough to respond in a validating way to his difficult feelings when they first cropped up. Even though he once told me that, if he was going to stick it out through such feelings with anyone, it would have been with his long time ex.

I am joining you in the "still in love" camp and wondering whether and how it will ever change.  

[once removed]

The fact that he doesn't want me anymore is just agony... .

All the people I loved as a child abandoned me in one way or another. I'm programmed to love then anyhow.

Trauma has to do with things that happen to you that are out of your control, and this became something very much out of my control. He made a big point of getting the upper hand, lashing out at me, setting the terms, generally putting me under his thumb. I know the only way I can have control is to move on, but it's easier said than done.

forgive me if im being obvious here, but do you think maybe theres a connection there steelwork?

youve done a lot of great work in detaching. are you wanting to no longer be in love with him?

[steelwork]

The fact that he doesn't want me anymore is just agony... .

All the people I loved as a child abandoned me in one way or another. I'm programmed to love then anyhow.

Trauma has to do with things that happen to you that are out of your control, and this became something very much out of my control. He made a big point of getting the upper hand, lashing out at me, setting the terms, generally putting me under his thumb. I know the only way I can have control is to move on, but it's easier said than done.

forgive me if im being obvious here, but do you think maybe theres a connection there steelwork?

youve done a lot of great work in detaching. are you wanting to no longer be in love with him?

Oh yeah--I definitely meant to imply a connection. I hoped these were ordered thoughts! I meant to suggest some reasons detaching is not a simple matter of elbow grease or willpower or whatever.

Yes, I want to not be in love with him. I want to free myself.

[Reforming]

Hi Steelwork,

I'm sorry if it felt like I was judging you or implying that you were being passive - that wasn't my intention.

It sounds like you're  working really hard on many facets of your life and that takes a lot of guts and self discipline.

It also sounds like your ex was part of a lifelong pattern of abandonment. Perhaps your relationship crystallised deep wounds that have been causing you pain since childhood.

I'm sure you've already explored this in therapy,

Susan Anderson's book and exercises are very good on this. She is good on the power of abandoner. When you're abandoned by someone you are disempowered and your abandoner takes on an aura of power.

We can feel a very strong pull to this type of relationship, but we still have free will and we can change.

I think the other posters have a point about the power of idealisation. It can sweep the strongest off their feet, but if you've longed for a deep primary connection that you never got from your parents or FOO it can be utterly overpowering and hook you deep.

We often talk about the of idealisation. I think we don't talk enough about how we idealise our exes - or transform them in dark all powerful demons. Either way we're giving them a lot of power over our lives.

At the end of the day they are just people struggling with a disorder that hurts them and the people who try and love them. I'm not trying to excuse your exes behaviour. He is still responsible for his actions  and being ill does not give you the right to hurt others. But confronting the reality of your exes disorder can help us detac

I think NONs have to take responsibility for their own choices too. I think loving someone is more a choice that many of us acknowledge. We may not be aware of it but most of us chose to let ourselves fall in love with someone. Some of us of had a pretty good idea that our exes weren't healthy, but we chose to look the other way because the idealisation made us feel special and loved in a way that we never felt before.

Idealisation isn't real and it isn't sustainable. Sooner or later it will start to crumble when real life intercedes.

From what you've said - and I may have got this wrong - you didn't experience the devaluation process before the end of the relationship. Perhaps this makes it harder to let go? I don't know you so this is just conjecture

Depending on our age, circumstances and family situation detaching is different for everyone of us.

I would never suggest that it's easy and that it should have strict a timetable

I do think there's a big difference between intellectual detachment, which we easier to reach and emotional detachment which is a deep acceptance that something is really over and feeling ready to move on. This is more challenging.

Mindfulness is helpful for this

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and as long as you keep moving forward and put one foot in front of the other things will eventually get better.

Keep posting and keep up the good work

Reforming

[whispy90]

I can relate to this. The good times were so good. The sex was by far the best of my life. He also had a very unique career- he is Isa professional classical musician.  He would invite me to all his performances and look up at me from the stage.  He actually taught me how to play an instrument.  He also shared my passion for art and we would go to the museums and I would make paintings for him.  This brought me so much joy in my life. It was such a passionate a loving relationship. I thought it would never end. But it quickly turned into a nightmare as he turned on me and cast me out of his life.  I feel so depressed.   I miss everything about him. I loved him so much. It hurts that he never really loved me the same, and so easily removed me from his life. I don't know how to move on.