An epiphany of sorts

[Depression = 72% of members]

Suddenly I realized why the behaviour of my friend - her disappearance acts, her conflicting messages (saying one thing, doing another), etc. - affected me so much. In the past couple of years, I've been "losing" friends left and right, and the thought of losing yet another one has cut deeply. I'm at an age where most of my friends have started families, and their time is mostly taken up by caring for their children; some have moved to the other side of the country. Being someone who has always found it difficult to make friends, it's a hard time for me, as now there's really just my wife and I - while our marriage is good, it of course can't be everything and I miss the social interaction with other people. It's perhaps one of the reasons why I was - and am - so attached to this one particular friend: she was present, she did most of the work for me, and her at times overflowing attention - even if it came with a price - was something of a relief; I could just enjoy the ride.

I don't know what if anything will come from this self-revelation, since my introversion is a basic part of my nature and as such, very difficult to change - making friends won't get any easier - but maybe I can become more detached from this particular relationship, and observe it without getting too caught up. Did that make any sense?

[confounded]

Suddenly I realized why the behaviour of my friend - her disappearance acts, her conflicting messages (saying one thing, doing another), etc. - affected me so much. In the past couple of years, I've been "losing" friends left and right, and the thought of losing yet another one has cut deeply. I'm at an age where most of my friends have started families, and their time is mostly taken up by caring for their children; some have moved to the other side of the country. Being someone who has always found it difficult to make friends, it's a hard time for me, as now there's really just my wife and I - while our marriage is good, it of course can't be everything and I miss the social interaction with other people. It's perhaps one of the reasons why I was - and am - so attached to this one particular friend: she was present, she did most of the work for me, and her at times overflowing attention - even if it came with a price - was something of a relief; I could just enjoy the ride.

I don't know what if anything will come from this self-revelation, since my introversion is a basic part of my nature and as such, very difficult to change - making friends won't get any easier - but maybe I can become more detached from this particular relationship, and observe it without getting too caught up. Did that make any sense?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[waverider]

Totally get it, been through that. I used to make few friends, but those I did were close. Due to changing circumstances you naturally drop off friendships and pick up new ones. This is normal. However, if you find making friends hard it can cause you to hang on to friends past the healthy stage.

Throw BPD in the mix and outside bonds are even more essential yet even harder to maintain, which brings a sense of the desperate.

Having learned better communications skills, a large part due to this site, I now find it easier to interact with others around and have a healthier rapport with passing acquaintances and so dont rely so much on needing close bonded friendships.

It sis the close friendships that a pwBPD see as the biggest threat, whereas if you are open and easy with everyone it brings in that consistency element we talk about here. pwBPD get used to consistency.

So I would say to you practice your communication techniques with everyone, even the shop keepers. Make yourself say one more statement to everyone past the essential, even if its only about the weather. This will change your personality and outlook, and take away the desperation associated with hanging on to particular friends. It will also open more opportunities to meet others that can fit those shoes. It is a numbers and odds game.

Desperation is the mother of all bad decisions.

The more avenues to keep "in touch" with the outside world the less your sense of normality becomes skewed. This is a big risk of the isolation that can be a consequence of BPD relationships.