A year later - my growth, development and scars

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

Haven't posted on the boards since last summer, and let me tell you - things have been going up!

For those of you who don't remember, this was my story :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273699.msg12595376#msg12595376

Since I've went NC, I've had a lot of ups, and plenty of downs. The band I mentioned in my story put out an EP and broke off, lost touch with 2 people I thought to be good friends, and have been self-abusing, drinking and even tried a bit of drugs to cope with everything. I tried dating, and I have no idea why but maybe I come off too strong, people just seem to cut corners and run all of a sudden, even before the date. I'm afraid my last relationship, which was with a BPD, did some irreversible damage, like I'm used to a bombardment of affection and a dive into deep water, and everything else seems... .I don't know, weird?

I found my passion in motorcycling (which takes up most of my free time aside from work and since then I've stopped drinking and cutting myself altogether), and actually drove to my ex's town a few months ago and went by her house, not to stalk, just to see how I feel about this... .it felt just like every other house, like every other street, I didn't feel any connection, I think I'm over her for good.

Am I just lonely? I've been doing much better since I got the bike, it's a great anti-depressant, but why am I still doubting my self worth so much? having random flashbacks to my former relationship, despite being over i? A good friend has said that I've changed, I became... .weirder, more introverted (than I already were) and to be honest I got to a point I just despise people sometimes and will do anything to avoid human interaction, despite wanting it so much... .I actually got really well with this girl who was asking me for directions at work and got her number but didn't do anything because of "what if?", "is she worth it?" "she's not THAT pretty, I can do better", "Is this going to be like THAT relationship"?... .

Appreciate the help, guys

[HappyChappy]

Good to see you back, I’m also a happy biker (with squashed flies in my teeth). Love the feeling of freedom it gives you.  Your story does sound like once bitten twice shy. I think its understandable that you would be more wary of people having dated a BPD.  I guess the tricky bit is remembering only 3% have BPD so most people aren’t like that. Bit of CBT may help with that.

You also ask about why your self esteem is low, well a BPD is masterful at chipping that away to nothing.  I know I had to work really hard to build my back. There’s also a high adrenaline theme running through your story – motorcycles, rock and roll life style.  What do you do to slow things down, relax ?

[Bassoutcast]

Good to see you back, I’m also a happy biker (with squashed flies in my teeth). Love the feeling of freedom it gives you.  Your story does sound like once bitten twice shy. I think its understandable that you would be more wary of people having dated a BPD.  I guess the tricky bit is remembering only 3% have BPD so most people aren’t like that. Bit of CBT may help with that.

You also ask about why your self esteem is low, well a BPD is masterful at chipping that away to nothing.  I know I had to work really hard to build my back. There’s also a high adrenaline theme running through your story – motorcycles, rock and roll life style.  What do you do to slow things down, relax ?

Calmer things include many long hours of book reading, seldom movie watching, cuddling with my dog, etc. I used to draw quite often but I rarely feel like it anymore.

My self esteem is often linked with my appearence. As a child I've been teased about my weight and it left a mark, and although I try to eat right and have lost quite a bit of weight, I often get outbursts of outright self-loathing, though it's been happening less and less over the last few years. If someone tells me I look good the first impression I get is mostly that they're trying to mock me, being sarcastic, anything but a real compliment.

I've also shut off much of my emotional and empathic sides. Although I do care about the ones close to me, I've developed a sort-of "don't give a damn" attitude to most things, and it helped preventing nervous breakdowns and getting tied up in other people's problems as if they were my own (like I did prior and during my BPD r/s), but I feel like it made me pretty numb emotionally, that I can't seem to care enough about other people to let new people into my life... .

Man, what a mess eh?

[HappyChappy]

I wouldn’t say that’s a mess, I’d say that sound very human. I got the numbness you mention but that’s just a holding position. After Therapy I found I was able to deal with the feelings better so didn’t need the numbness (except for special occasions ).  Have you considered Therapy, all the best people do it now days.  Here’s a fee course on CBT (don’t say I never get you anything):

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

I also found painting helped, any type of art. Would have loved to been in a band  , but sadly I have no talent there, what sort of music did you play ?

[Bassoutcast]

I think that a nice conversation with someone is more than enough sometimes. Sadly, I've been working mostly evening shifts so less interaction with my family, and now that my friend circle is narrowed down to one (not including another one abroad) who's currently in the army and is only free on a few weekends, so I've been diving into this pit of loneliness. I like the anonymity of this board and since it has helped me tremendously before in harder times, I thought sharing my thoughts would somehow help... .and it does!

Music wise - it's all about practice, and lots of it. We've been playing various variations of rock - hard/prog/melodic, some with a medieval-Celtic feeling. for example:

https://soundcloud.com/bassoutcast/era-nullius-free-and-forever-will-be-pirates-demo

I wrote the melody and guitar parts, and recorded bass and vocals.

[HappyChappy]

Hey this is pretty good, particularly liked the base on the first one and the vocals on the second one (Drive ?). There is a long tradition of using the Arts to help with mental health. T S Elliot decided against Therapy because he though it would take away his creativity. But I believe his concerns have proven wrong many times. I think you’re right about chatting to friends being therapeutic. 

[Grey Kitty]

Numb is a defensive mechanism, a way to protect yourself from difficult feelings.

(Go ahead, ask me how I know  )

As such things go, there are far worse ones defensive/coping mechanisms out there.

Do you have any idea what you are trying to hide from / protect yourself from?

[Bassoutcast]

Numb is a defensive mechanism, a way to protect yourself from difficult feelings.

(Go ahead, ask me how I know  )

As such things go, there are far worse ones defensive/coping mechanisms out there.

Do you have any idea what you are trying to hide from / protect yourself from?

Emotionally? I have a pretty good understanding. I try to hide from intimacy. I hate being touched, even going as far as jumping back in discomfort when someone like my grandmother touches my shoulder during a conversation. I'm scared of opening up, if I try I'm often judged and I back off and go numb again.

I've had a friend try and set me up countless times, but I'm not interested. I want friendship, but am terrified of trying to get along with new people. I somwtimes despise people (that's what retail does to you).

I also still have the "white knight syndrome", I feel attracted to girls who are in trouble, wanting to help, maybe it's just my overwhelming kindness and love that I have no idea where to put.

I try and hide from everything - working when my family's home, spending time on my bike during weekends, far away from home... .It's weird like that.mm