Temptation

[sweet tooth]

I was discarded March 1st. She told me not to contact her again. The past week or so I've had an urge to make contact: tell her that I miss our friendship, that I'm sorry that things ended so poorly, that I'm sorry that I expected more out of her than she's capable of giving, that I understand her pain and why she discarded me (fear), that I want us to heal, that I'd welcome back her friendship despite her flaws... .

I know it would be a huge violation of boundaries to contact somebody who told me not to... .But I miss her terribly. I miss her laugh, adventurous spirit, how much fun we had, how she made me feel when she was at baseline... .but the inconsistencies were terrible. I'm feeling sad.

[HarleypsychRN]

I was discarded March 1st. She told me not to contact her again. The past week or so I've had an urge to make contact: tell her that I miss our friendship, that I'm sorry that things ended so poorly, that I'm sorry that I expected more out of her than she's capable of giving, that I understand her pain and why she discarded me (fear), that I want us to heal, that I'd welcome back her friendship despite her flaws... .

I know it would be a huge violation of boundaries to contact somebody who told me not to... .But I miss her terribly. I miss her laugh, adventurous spirit, how much fun we had, how she made me feel when she was at baseline... .but the inconsistencies were terrible. I'm feeling sad.

Copy dat... .I feel your pain and you expressed my sentiments exactly (on top of having one of THOSE days today) when I just want to see her. Be strong brother... .you have kindred spirits out there who are going through the same pain (yes it is pain).

Yours hasn't changed ... .mine hasn't changed. It's a mirage... .stop chasing it. That thought hurts right in the pit of my belly on the bad days like today. Something healthy is out there for you... .go find it.

[confusedandangry]

It's okay to feel sad.  You are going to have many days like that and many other emotions.  Your discard is fairly new and it still burns.  I totally understand, your wanting to contact and missing them.  But, just know that they do not see the relationship the same as you or I did.  You contacting them could result in a response you might not be prepared to hear, or worse... .the silent treatment.  Try writing a letter to them, but not sending it.  I have written so many emails to my ex and deleted them.  It really helps get the urge to contact them out of your system.  Are you seeing a therapist?  Are you willing to risk a recycle, because each discard (and it will happen) gets worse.  

[sweet tooth]

It's okay to feel sad.  You are going to have many days like that and many other emotions.  Your discard is fairly new and it still burns.  I totally understand, your wanting to contact and missing them.  But, just know that they do not see the relationship the same as you or I did.  You contacting them could result in a response you might not be prepared to hear, or worse... .the silent treatment.  Try writing a letter to them, but not sending it.  I have written so many emails to my ex and deleted them.  It really helps get the urge to contact them out of your system.  Are you seeing a therapist?  Are you willing to risk a recycle, because each discard (and it will happen) gets worse.  

I am willing to risk a recycle, as long as my terms are met:

-She must explain why she discarded me.

-She must be able to listen to how that made me feel.

-She must be able to risk my forgiveness.

And yes, I am seeing a T.

[peace74]

I feel for you.  I have been there.

Do you really think she would be able to meet your requirements?

I have been recycled several times.  Granted the first few were him only leaving for a weekend, week, couple weeks, month.  This last time it was a semi-relationship for a year then returned home for 4 months and gone again.  Do you see how the pattern escalated.  The duration kept getting longer and the time in between kept getting shorter.

I got every reason under the sun for him leaving.  So contradictory, not based on facts.  Feeling = Facts with them so... .  This last time I remember talking to him on the phone and crying and saying why did you come back if you were just going to leave again.  We have a 7yr old together and this back and forth has been terrible on him.  I told him I wished he would not have come back if he was going to leave again.  He was sad.  It is VERY rare for him to express any emotion or feelings.  He said he was glad he got to come back because he loved me and he got to be with me.  BUT THEN HE LEFT AGAIN, and he was in control of that but talking to him you would swear he really didn't feel that way.  Anyway he told me he really didn't know why he left.  Very little awareness with him. 

Every person with BPD is different and they all have different awareness levels of their disorder or issues.  Sometimes getting recycled can help with the detachment process in the long run because you get to see that nothing changes.  He would come back and say he was sorry but he never really wanted to discuss anything.  Things would be great but eventually he just couldn't do it.  So sad  :'(

[lunchbox123]

It's a mirage... .stop chasing it.

Sweet tooth, listen to harley. Stop chasing what once was, there is no magic word that will bring it back again.

Don't keep putting yourself through this.

[confusedandangry]

It's never going to be on your terms.  Most have to be in control of every aspect.  Your needs will never be met.  Someone told me best... .they are like a drug, we are addicted to them.  We yearn to have a fix or hit from them.  We know they are not good for use, but we still want it.  The best thing for us to do is stay nc... .there is rarely a day that goes by lately that I think, if only I had done something differently.  Bottom line is... .they mold to who they are with, they are not whole.  They are not real... .the mirage statement is the best way to look at it.  Think about what you want in a friendship... .do you really want a friend that can discard you that quickly? 

[joeramabeme]

I am willing to risk a recycle, as long as my terms are met:

-She must explain why she discarded me.

-She must be able to listen to how that made me feel.

-She must be able to risk my forgiveness.

And yes, I am seeing a T.

Sweet Tooth, you say you are willing to risk a recycle, but that is aside the primary point that she does not desire the same.

pwBPD get very upset when their feelings are invalidated; they feel unheard and misunderstood and it creates a greater level of confusion that we cannot prevent or change.  If you contact her after a request for no contact from her, she is very unlikely to respond in a manner that you will find helpful and more likely in a manner that might be more painful for you.

Some of the questions you are wanting to ask are unlikely known to her in a clear fashion or she has already explained the answers best she could.

When we are hurting so much and ruminating on the good times and shared experiences, it is hard (really hard) for us to imagine/believe that our ex pwBPD suddenly turned 180 degrees and started in a different direction - at a moments notice.  But as unfortunate as this is, it is part of the disorder.  We are all her as testimony of that truth.

You may want to give it a few days before deciding to move with this idea.  Keep talking about it with others here.  We have all been at this point.  It is difficult.

Do you have a friend you can talk with about all this?  Perhaps someone who knew the both of you?

[sweet tooth]

I am willing to risk a recycle, as long as my terms are met:

-She must explain why she discarded me.

-She must be able to listen to how that made me feel.

-She must be able to risk my forgiveness.

And yes, I am seeing a T.

Sweet Tooth, you say you are willing to risk a recycle, but that is aside the primary point that she does not desire the same.

pwBPD get very upset when their feelings are invalidated; they feel unheard and misunderstood and it creates a greater level of confusion that we cannot prevent or change.  If you contact her after a request for no contact from her, she is very unlikely to respond in a manner that you will find helpful and more likely in a manner that might be more painful for you.

Some of the questions you are wanting to ask are unlikely known to her in a clear fashion or she has already explained the answers best she could.

When we are hurting so much and ruminating on the good times and shared experiences, it is hard (really hard) for us to imagine/believe that our ex pwBPD suddenly turned 180 degrees and started in a different direction - at a moments notice.  But as unfortunate as this is, it is part of the disorder.  We are all her as testimony of that truth.

You may want to give it a few days before deciding to move with this idea.  Keep talking about it with others here.  We have all been at this point.  It is difficult.

Do you have a friend you can talk with about all this?  Perhaps someone who knew the both of you?

My only friend who mutually knows us told me not to contact her because it would be violating a boundary. He said to only respond if she contacts me first. My other friends typically don't understand where I'm coming from and say, "s**** her," etc.

It's frustrating, because she has been monitoring me online and signed up for a MeetUp that she knows I probably would go to (but I have a wedding that day that she doesn't know about).