First post

[ShiningStar]

I am glad to have found this community. I am the parent of a 19 year old daughter who has diagnosed herself with BPD. She talks with me about symptoms and doesn't hide her self harm scars. She even bought a book about BPD so she could talk about it more clearly. She lives in a different state and I am concerned that she is having to deal with everything alone. She has others sharing the apartment, and she has a few friends, but she is struggling with working and coping. She worked for a while, but had to quit as the stress was causing her suicidal thoughts. I am looking for ways that I can support her, but I know that my offers to help aren't always met with enthusiasm from her. She is a visual artist and loves to dance, but can't get to that first class in a strange dance studio alone. She hasn't found anyone to go with her (yet). I look forward to meeting others going through similar situations and providing support to you as well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Shining Star,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad to have you join us.

Being far away from home/family at 19 is difficult for kids, and especially for kids who struggle with traits of BPD.  Has your d ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist about her struggles?  Did you notice any hypersensitivities or extreme emotional thinking before she moved away?

Anxiety over new situations, places, responsibilities, are common for many people.  Has she been anxious about new places and responsibilities for a while now?

We have many lessons and tools that can help you improve your communication/relationship with your daughter.  What seems to be the biggest obstacle in your communications with her?  Is it making suggestions on how to overcome her anxiety and offering advice on what she can do?

lbj

[ShiningStar]

Thank you for your reply. I am still trying to figure out how this site works. I'm not used to it yet.

My daughter saw a therapist during high school before moving out. I knew that she had some sensitivities and that she was very dependent on me so I thought it was great that she wanted to go and work and be independent. Neither of us knew of the seriousness of her situation. She had been doing some self-harm, but seemed to be doing better. I wasn't really sure how to talk to her about it. I still am not.

As far as being anxious, she has anxiety and depression. That we knew. She seemed to be doing ok with all of the newness. She found friends to go with her to the store and to help her get a job. She seemed to be figuring it all out. And then she had suicidal thoughts while working so she decided to quit that job and now is paralyzed about finding a new one.

As far as obstacles to communication go, she doesn't respond to texts. And then she will. I don't know why she isn't responding so I can't figure out how to help her. Once she responds, she and I can converse. When I make suggestions, she will tell me if something is not comfortable or the reasons why she can't do that.

She is studying her condition and self-diagnosed and shared it with me. She is reading a book about BPD and shared a video with me about Quiet BPD. And yet, when I tell her about a great center near her, she does not respond. And when we talked about getting therapy, she gives two reasons for not doing it. 1)No health insurance... .that's a long story. 2)She isn't ready to get better.

As I said, I am finding my way around this site. I would love some direction to where I can find out more about quiet BPD and what I can learn about so I can stay in communication with her without upsetting her further. I mostly try to let her know that I am here by sharing funny things about the cats or something unrelated to what she is going through.

Thank you for your reply and your assistance here.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Shining Star,

There is a topic of conversation between parents here on the Parenting Board about quiet borderlines.  Here is the link: 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289552.0

Talking about self harm is a delicate subject as we are oft afraid of making it worse by shaming our hurting children. 

Telling your d about alternatives that you have found through research may help.  Have you seen much on the internet about Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

We have great info here on the site that you can begin to understand what it is and some of the helpful skills that our kids can learn and we can use ourselves.

Workshop:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wisemind

DBT teaches alternatives to cutting and other extreme self harm:

Holding an ice cube in the fist

Popping a rubber band on the wrist

Using a red washable marker if visuals are part of the relief they get

If your d is self directed in her research she may find this info helpful:

www.dbtselfhelp.com

It may help her as an introduction to therapy and prompt her to seek it out for herself.

lbj

[wendydarling]

Hi again ShiningStar and welcome to the site.    My 27year old daughter is a quiet borderline and has just started DBT ... .you'll probably have seen my posts and daughters journey, she was diagnosed last July and has researched like your daughter.  The book that she first connected with was Mindfulness for BPD - Blaise Aguirre, she stayed up all night as she could not put it down. I read it after her and now our home is full of BPD books and materials.  We do not talk the details to death - we generally highlight the most helpful or enlightened parts for us. She gains comfort that I'm learning with her - about BPD and DBT which neither of us knew existed this time last year.

We have not talked about self harm but we do talk about the alternatives she now uses when she feels distressed... .  she uses the elastic bands on her wrists, makes herself a delicious fruit smoothie, extreme yoga positions, goes for a run, stands on her head, has a bath with Lush bathbombs which she films on her phone.

It's brilliant your daughter is researching, looking for answers and that she talks with you. 

It must be a worry for you when she does not return your texts, she knows you love her and she clearly trusts you.  Have you thought about acknowledging you understand sometimes she may not be in the mood to respond to your text and a quick text from her saying she'll come back to later would be helpful for you?

Do you know whether your daughter talks to her friends about BPD? We have found people to be incredibly supportive and understanding.

I hope your daughter gets to dance soon.

WDx



WDx

[ShiningStar]

Thank you lbj and WendyDarling. I look forward to checking out the links, lbj. Thank you so much.

wendydarling-your daughter sounds a lot like my daughter. And your relationship sound similar as well. My daughter does not like the rubber bands, she tried it. And she is an artist and has tried turning to her art or writing, but nothing soothes her like the self-harm. I have not really shared how worried I am about it, because I feel like it is not about my feelings, but more about understanding what she is going through.

We have heard about DBT. She told me about it. She seems to be unwilling at this point to explore any type of therapy. She seems to be very alone right now and it is a long way from where I am. She called me last night in tears feeling sad and like she has no friends. We had a great, long talk about all kinds of things. I was able to share some of the things I was learning about BPD and we compared notes. It does seem to help her.

During our talk, she came around to accept a visit from me. I was hoping to visit a dbt center near her, but she said she wouldn't go for treatment. I am thinking that it would be good to bring her home. She has no job, and feels like she can't work, she feels alienated from all of her friends. She does talk to friends about it and some of them seem to feel like she is complaining and they don't seem to know how to help her. She has friends in our hometown, but that is 8 hours away. And one friend is in China for the year.

I am not exactly sure how to get her to come around to agreeing to come home. And how to get her to open up to therapy. I'm open to suggestions. I will learn more about dbt. I have called a therapist here and left a message just to start a conversation with someone so maybe I could get some guidance.

I really appreciate all the support that is here. How is your daughter doing with the therapy? And the book she read, did it give her things to start doing right away? My daughter has heard about the dbt workbooks, but people say how hard they are. She is in an online group and people have shared pages from them. I don't know anything about them, but she sounds like she is not ready for it.