Thank you woundedbibi, I agree with you.
She works with pwBPD and empithises with them to the extent of shaming me for being upset about the way I was treated. T has stayed true to her comments about or r/s not being reciprocal and how I insist on seeing a kitten when T and others see a full grown tiger ready to destroy me. T explains how pwBPD have difficult if not impossible relationships and go from one to another.
Ok, so you've got:
- a sponsor. I presume from the AA programme. He says you need to open up and talk. I think he's right.
- a counselor who works with pwBPD who you feel is shaming you for being upset.
- a therapist who seems to have knowledge of how challenging relationships with pwBPD are.
So. Questions:
> Why do you feel your counselor is shaming you for being upset?
If it is based on "when you're better you won't speak about your ex anymore", I don't see it.
1) it is true, if you're better there will be not need anymore to speak of her
2) she seems to react as most of my friends did that just don't get it: "He was a mean ass, he treated you badly, get over it already". These people are not trying to shame me. They just didn't know how to react when I needed to speak about my ex for the gazillionth time.
Has your counselor ever said to you you shouldn't be so upset? Or are you filling in this is what she's thinking? Have you ever told her you feel this is what she thinks? Have you ever told her you feel your feelings are being invalidated by her?
Communication Jerry! You're not a psychic, you don't know what she thinks. And she is not a clairvoyant, she cannot read your mind.
> Why do you have a counselor and a therapist?
> If you feel invalidated by your counselor why are you still there?
If you have opened up and really tried to communicate about how you feel and tried to check if what you think she thinks is actually true, and things do not improve, just leave.
It sort of reminds me of something... You're not happy but you're staying... .
She's consistent but I do need to heal, I'm willing to anything I can to help myself.
Then I would say: start with communicating.
The anger is still there with my ex, I believe anger is a secondary emotion from pain, hurt, maybe fear?
Makes sense. You need to discuss this with your T, find out which emotion is behind it for you. I think it differs per person.
I went NC and that cleared some fog, now I may have to communicate with "her" I'm building walls trying to block out her and the behaviours. Our son is suffering as well. This whole thing makes me sick for all of us involved.
You have a son together. That is reality. So the chance you will have to communicate with her is a certainty. Blocking her out is not going to solve anything. Face reality: you have a son, she is mentally ill, you will have to communicate.
Knowing her behaviour, what can you do to protect your son and yourself from her behaviour? Make a plan. Very practical. Not about emotions. Ask others here that have succes stories how they did it. Agreements on parenting, on visitation, on schooling for later. Tips on how to deal with crazy behaviour from the other party. Tips on how not to get sucked in emotionally.
At the same time work on you.
Your wounds from the relationship.
Your wounds from before the relationship.
Ask your T how you can prevent having flashbacks to what happened between your ex and you. Or lessen them.
My sponsor tells me I must learn to deal with her, easy for him or anyone outside a r/s with pwBPD to advise.
Yes, easy for him to say. But he is right. Your ex is your son's mother. That will never change. You will need to learn to deal with her. Or not and then things will get worse. Your choice.
