BPD mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here.

I initially thought I had BPD [I wasn't physically or sexually abused as a child], but thinking about it more, I think my mother fits the profile more so then me. I understand no one on these boards can make diagnoses, but I just wonder if I'm thinking in the right direction.

She maybe somewhat of an atypical borderline ("hermit".

My mother and father's relationship has been very tumultuous. Every since I can remember all they really did was argue and fight, constant profanity-laced screaming matches. The "fighting" was one-sided, my mother would hit, kick, punch, throw things, spit at my father. I haven't seen my father hit my mother but my mother said he has done some really horrible things to her that she won't tell me or my sisters about. They would trash their bedroom occassionally and my mother would cut my father's face out of every picture we had. I would say the arguing went on until I was about 25ish. I'm 27 now.

Currently, my parents do not speak to each other except when they absolutely have too (i.e., financial reasons) or when they an argument every now and again. They are still living in the same house. My father essentially lives in his little computer room and sleeps there. My mother sleeps upstairs. This arrangment has been going on for about 9 or so years now, maybe more. They are only together for financial reasons and nothing more.

My mother is extremely controlling and I do not think our relationship with her is very healthy. I feel like everything I do and think evolves around her in some way shape or form. She is really the only one that can bring me into a episode of extreme suicidual ideation.

I feel like she does pit us against our father. My father has done some really crappy things, particularly to my youngest sister (who hates him), but I feel like I can't even speak to my father without my mother thinking that I favor him better and treat him better. She speaks very badly about my father all the time, about how much he is a horrible piece of ___, and he ruined everything and destoryed our lives, etc. And she gets mad at me for not wanting to sit through the constant ___-talking sessions. My father told me a few years ago to make sure he gets buried at a particular cementary because he knows I am the only one that would make it happen.

When my mother gets mad... .she gets really mad... even at this age I'm still extremely intimidated by her.

I think she has stunted us a bit in terms of independence-my youngest sister I'm sure suffers from agroraphobia--I would say she's may have stepped out of the house about 5 times in the past two years... .and she has OCD tendencies... .My mother gets angry with her but still enables the behaviors. While we were growing up, my mother was/is somewhat of a recluse in that she has no friends, we never had people come over. My mother didn't work so she monitered us 24/7. So the only relationship that I ever really saw was my parents--and it wasn't good. She wouldn't allow my father's friend to come by.

Everywhere we lived, she thought every one was against her and out to get her. I'm sure that was true in some cases but every single person... .? She pretty much thinks 99.9999% of people are stupid, have an agenda, etc. So needless to say getting her to like any of the few friends I made, was near impossible. She didn't want one of my friends any where near the house because she said that she looked at her the wrong way.

My mother is queen of criticism. She can be very blunt and callous in her criticisms and it just leaves you feeling like total crap. She'll tell you how fat you are (if you've been gaining weight), or stupid (if you said something she doesn't like), or how much we make her sick (if we get on her nerves), and the list goes on. She's blamed me because my youngest sister stopped taking classes (in college), even though I was the one that registered her at the school, signed her up for classes, paid for it with my loan, looked up everything she would need to do to get her associate's degree... .but somehow I didn't try enough, and I don't like my sister, and since I have a degree, she should too... .etc.

I've gone to a few therapists and psychiatrists over the past year--starting with the university's psych because I was doing poorly academically, really bad anxiety and depression... .and me being a "hypercondriac" was getting a bit much, even though I believe my concerns are legitimate but every provider that I went too, essentially said it was all in my head and told me to see someone.

I do love my mother and she loves me and I know she cares--just sometimes she has a ___ty way of showing it--, and I've haven't really been an angel either... .but I just feel like our relationship has been kinda toxic.

Sorry if my post seems rushed or jumbled

[DarkCircuits]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here.

I initially thought I had BPD [I wasn't physically or sexually abused as a child], but thinking about it more, I think my mother fits the profile more so then me. I understand no one on these boards can make diagnoses, but I just wonder if I'm thinking in the right direction.

She maybe somewhat of an atypical borderline ("hermit".

My mother and father's relationship has been very tumultuous. Every since I can remember all they really did was argue and fight, constant profanity-laced screaming matches. The "fighting" was one-sided, my mother would hit, kick, punch, throw things, spit at my father. I haven't seen my father hit my mother but my mother said he has done some really horrible things to her that she won't tell me or my sisters about. They would trash their bedroom occassionally and my mother would cut my father's face out of every picture we had. I would say the arguing went on until I was about 25ish. I'm 27 now.

Currently, my parents do not speak to each other except when they absolutely have too (i.e., financial reasons) or when they an argument every now and again. They are still living in the same house. My father essentially lives in his little computer room and sleeps there. My mother sleeps upstairs. This arrangment has been going on for about 9 or so years now, maybe more. They are only together for financial reasons and nothing more.

My mother is extremely controlling and I do not think our relationship with her is very healthy. I feel like everything I do and think evolves around her in some way shape or form. She is really the only one that can bring me into a episode of extreme suicidual ideation.

I feel like she does pit us against our father. My father has done some really crappy things, particularly to my youngest sister (who hates him), but I feel like I can't even speak to my father without my mother thinking that I favor him better and treat him better. She speaks very badly about my father all the time, about how much he is a horrible piece of ___, and he ruined everything and destoryed our lives, etc. And she gets mad at me for not wanting to sit through the constant ___-talking sessions. My father told me a few years ago to make sure he gets buried at a particular cementary because he knows I am the only one that would make it happen.

When my mother gets mad... .she gets really mad... even at this age I'm still extremely intimidated by her.

I think she has stunted us a bit in terms of independence-my youngest sister I'm sure suffers from agroraphobia--I would say she's may have stepped out of the house about 5 times in the past two years... .and she has OCD tendencies... .My mother gets angry with her but still enables the behaviors. While we were growing up, my mother was/is somewhat of a recluse in that she has no friends, we never had people come over. My mother didn't work so she monitered us 24/7. So the only relationship that I ever really saw was my parents--and it wasn't good. She wouldn't allow my father's friend to come by.

Everywhere we lived, she thought every one was against her and out to get her. I'm sure that was true in some cases but every single person... .? She pretty much thinks 99.9999% of people are stupid, have an agenda, etc. So needless to say getting her to like any of the few friends I made, was near impossible. She didn't want one of my friends any where near the house because she said that she looked at her the wrong way.

My mother is queen of criticism. She can be very blunt and callous in her criticisms and it just leaves you feeling like total crap. She'll tell you how fat you are (if you've been gaining weight), or stupid (if you said something she doesn't like), or how much we make her sick (if we get on her nerves), and the list goes on. She's blamed me because my youngest sister stopped taking classes (in college), even though I was the one that registered her at the school, signed her up for classes, paid for it with my loan, looked up everything she would need to do to get her associate's degree... .but somehow I didn't try enough, and I don't like my sister, and since I have a degree, she should too... .etc.

I've gone to a few therapists and psychiatrists over the past year--starting with the university's psych because I was doing poorly academically, really bad anxiety and depression... .and me being a "hypercondriac" was getting a bit much, even though I believe my concerns are legitimate but every provider that I went too, essentially said it was all in my head and told me to see someone.

I do love my mother and she loves me and I know she cares--just sometimes she has a ___ty way of showing it--, and I've haven't really been an angel either... .but I just feel like our relationship has been kinda toxic.

Sorry if my post seems rushed or jumbled

[Kwamina]

Hi DarkCircuits

Welcome to our online community

Sorry if my post seems rushed or jumbled

Don't worry about it! Your post was perfectly clear and unfortunately it does appear that your mother exhibits some troubling traits. Always seeing your parents argue and fight is very difficult for children.

You believe your mother has BPD. Do you feel like she has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

How would you describe your current relationship with your father? Do you believe any of the things your mother has said about him?

She is really the only one that can bring me into a episode of extreme suicidual ideation.

I am very sorry to hear you have struggled with suicidal ideation. Is this still something you struggle with? Did you ever get any targeted treatment for your suicidal ideation?

I've gone to a few therapists and psychiatrists over the past year--starting with the university's psych because I was doing poorly academically, really bad anxiety and depression... .and me being a "hypercondriac" was getting a bit much, even though I believe my concerns are legitimate but every provider that I went too, essentially said it was all in my head and told me to see someone.

It is unfortunate that the professionals you sought out didn't seem to really understand what you were going through. I am glad you have come here looking for some support and advice as many of our members know how tough it can be having a BPD parent.

At one point you also thought you might have BPD yourself. It isn't uncommon that children of BPD parents notice certain BPD-like traits in themselves once they are adults. This however doesn't necessarily have to mean you have BPD, often it are unhealthy behaviors we learned or copied from our BPD parents. Fortunately these kinds of behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work. The first step is being able to identify and acknowledge the difficult traits in yourself. We can only change the things we acknowledge. Why did you initially think you might have BPD yourself? Did you perhaps notice certain traits in yourself that worried you? Or was it perhaps because the professionals that you sought out seemed to think it was all in your head that made you think this?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[HappyChappy]

Hi DarkCircuits,

I’m so sorry you have had to deal with all this, it does sound reminiscent of my childhood, and the behaviour you describe from your mother does sound BPD, it’s certainly dysfunctional.

If you felt the BPD fitted you, it doesn’t come through in the way you present. But we all pick up bad habits from our BPD moms. Also many children of BPD will have C-PTSD which creates some of the BPD symptoms such as anxiety and hypersensitivity to triggers.

I would also echo the points in Kwamina's post. I initial had difficulties finding a Therapist who understood, but then I found this website which is great for validation and it didn't matter as much that my Therapist wasn't clued into BPD. So much of your story will be familiar to many on this website. For example my BPD would spit when she got into an arguments and forever say our Dad did terrible things “before you were born” or “too terrible to tell you.” i.e. in a way no one could ever evidence. But I'm fairly certain he didn’t, but before I fully understood BPD, I believed her because she you mom. Anyway do let us know what's on your mind ,or what you want to work on.  

[DarkCircuits]

Hi DarkCircuits

Welcome to our online community

Sorry if my post seems rushed or jumbled

Don't worry about it! Your post was perfectly clear and unfortunately it does appear that your mother exhibits some troubling traits. Always seeing your parents argue and fight is very difficult for children.

You believe your mother has BPD. Do you feel like she has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

----Thank you. I feel bad for speaking about my mother like this, since she truely does care for us, but I just had to vent. She doesn't, she believes she essentially right about everything and if I ever brought this up, she'd be so offended by this and she would go off. She admits that she has a temper at times, but beyond that, not really.

How would you describe your current relationship with your father? Do you believe any of the things your mother has said about him?

----The relationship with my father is distance. He is a workalcoholic and when he was in the military he was gone quite a bit. Now he works 6 days a week and on Sundays he shuts him off in his room. Our relationship is just very superficial, might exchange a few words every now and again, but nothing really meaningful. I do think my dad can be a bit of an a-hole sometimes, particularly towards my sister. I'm not really sure what to believe. My mom feels like he sabotaged everything. I don't really think of him as a father, it's like he is just there, not sure how to explain it.

She is really the only one that can bring me into a episode of extreme suicidual ideation.

I am very sorry to hear you have struggled with suicidal ideation. Is this still something you struggle with? Did you ever get any targeted treatment for your suicidal ideation?

----Yes, I feel like I shouldn't be living, and there is no point to my existence. I think I would be better off dead and I feel if I'm triggered enough I will more than likely go through with it. I've told the therapist(s) and have been put on anti-depressants (which do nothing except make me really tired), I know I can not fully express how I feel because they may think I'm a "danger" to myself.

I've gone to a few therapists and psychiatrists over the past year--starting with the university's psych because I was doing poorly academically, really bad anxiety and depression... .and me being a "hypercondriac" was getting a bit much, even though I believe my concerns are legitimate but every provider that I went too, essentially said it was all in my head and told me to see someone.

It is unfortunate that the professionals you sought out didn't seem to really understand what you were going through. I am glad you have come here looking for some support and advice as many of our members know how tough it can be having a BPD parent.

---Thank you

At one point you also thought you might have BPD yourself. It isn't uncommon that children of BPD parents notice certain BPD-like traits in themselves once they are adults. This however doesn't necessarily have to mean you have BPD, often it are unhealthy behaviors we learned or copied from our BPD parents. Fortunately these kinds of behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work. The first step is being able to identify and acknowledge the difficult traits in yourself. We can only change the things we acknowledge. Why did you initially think you might have BPD yourself? Did you perhaps notice certain traits in yourself that worried you? Or was it perhaps because the professionals that you sought out seemed to think it was all in your head that made you think this?

----I was reading over some of the symptoms and some case stories and some what said seemed to match how I feel/felt.

- I feel empty and bored all the time even though I know I have so many things to do. Major identity crisis--I have no idea where I really belong or fit in this world... and I feel like I'm just jumping from thing to thing without making any real head way.I've made so many different "5 year plans" that I've lost count, and even now I'm thinking about jumping into something entirely different then what I've been working towards.Then my sexuality, I've felt a certain way for a really really long time, but never did anything about it because I didn't want have yet another thing to make me more of an outsider then I already was. So I've had a relationship with a few males, which all ended badly. Besides being constantly called a "b___, slut, whore, blah blah blah" by one of them, they referred to me a "heartless, cold, crazy, psychotic" etc.

-I just feel like a useless, piece of crap and I hate myself. I think why am I living when there are so many more deserving people out there that die

-I get mood swings where, according to mother and sisters I'm a "jerk, ass, b___, etc", I'm generally a pretty passive person in life, but I just feel like some things just set me off.

-I've self-harmed-(i.e., cutting, hitting myself with objects, scratching). I told an ex of mine a while ago that he could cut at my arms to release any anger he felt towards me.

-I don't know if I experience "black and white" thinking but I can really like someone, but if I feel criticized then I will hate them and I will ruminate over how much I don't like them. I really have a horrible time handling criticism because I always feel like its an attack no matter how minor or "constructive" it is.

-I've had a major problem with drinking since about age 18 turning 19 and I've gotten into a lot of crappy situations because of it.

-I've been told numerous times by many people that I "always think I'm right about everythnig and I don't consider other people's pov" I do not think that's true at all.

-I'm not "afraid" to be alone, I've been alone a lot especially during high school. The only thing I will say, is I feel like I'm the only one that should cut off a relationship whether it is friend or otherwise, if someone else does then I get really angry and I tend to obsess over the fact that they did this and I stupidly try to get in contact with them, even if I don't particularly care about them, I don't know.

-I tend to just do things with little regard for the consquences and then when something vbad happens I think about how much of useless moron i am

Just stuff like that... .

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[DarkCircuits]

Hi DarkCircuits,

I’m so sorry you have had to deal with all this, it does sound reminiscent of my childhood, and the behaviour you describe from your mother does sound BPD, it’s certainly dysfunctional.

If you felt the BPD fitted you, it doesn’t come through in the way you present. But we all pick up bad habits from our BPD moms. Also many children of BPD will have C-PTSD which creates some of the BPD symptoms such as anxiety and hypersensitivity to triggers.

I would also echo the points in Kwamina's post. I initial had difficulties finding a Therapist who understood, but then I found this website which is great for validation and it didn't matter as much that my Therapist wasn't clued into BPD. So much of your story will be familiar to many on this website. For example my BPD would spit when she got into an arguments and forever say our Dad did terrible things “before you were born” or “too terrible to tell you.” i.e. in a way no one could ever evidence. But I'm fairly certain he didn’t, but before I fully understood BPD, I believed her because she you mom. Anyway do let us know what's on your mind ,or what you want to work on.  

Thank you, yes I think I picked up some bad habits, and I think my mind just gets kinda off sometimes. Im sorry to hear your mom is like that. Sometimes maybe I just read too much into things, I dont really know anymore

[Kwamina]

Hi again DarkCircuits and thanks for answering my questions

----Yes, I feel like I shouldn't be living, and there is no point to my existence. I think I would be better off dead and I feel if I'm triggered enough I will more than likely go through with it. I've told the therapist(s) and have been put on anti-depressants (which do nothing except make me really tired), I know I can not fully express how I feel because they may think I'm a "danger" to myself.

... .

-I just feel like a useless, piece of crap and I hate myself. I think why am I living when there are so many more deserving people out there that die

Dealing with negative thoughts like this can be very difficult. Do you perhaps feel this is the result of your mother's critical voice you might have internalized? We have a thread about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I encourage you to take a look at it:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Talking about these things also isn't easy and I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. It takes a lot of courage to get your story out like this and so honestly describe your struggles

[DarkCircuits]

Hi again DarkCircuits and thanks for answering my questions

----Yes, I feel like I shouldn't be living, and there is no point to my existence. I think I would be better off dead and I feel if I'm triggered enough I will more than likely go through with it. I've told the therapist(s) and have been put on anti-depressants (which do nothing except make me really tired), I know I can not fully express how I feel because they may think I'm a "danger" to myself.

... .

-I just feel like a useless, piece of crap and I hate myself. I think why am I living when there are so many more deserving people out there that die

Dealing with negative thoughts like this can be very difficult. Do you perhaps feel this is the result of your mother's critical voice you might have internalized? We have a thread about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I encourage you to take a look at it:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Talking about these things also isn't easy and I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. It takes a lot of courage to get your story out like this and so honestly describe your struggles

My mother has only been critical because that's what she grew up with and its TRUTH what she saids, and even though the delivery may be a "harsh" sometimes--which really only means that I am still thin-skinned--she still loves and cares for me. I feel stupid for divulging that information about my mother when all she has done is tried to help me be the best person I can possibly be. I'm the bad person here not my mother.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Darkcircuits:

So sorry for all that you are going through.

I do this simple exercise periodically.  Make a list of the things you like about yourself.  Sometime, it can be hard to do, and the answers may come slowly.  I'm actually participating with some other people making their own lists, with a fitness and weight-loss challenge I'm in.

Some examples are:  One person liked their smile, another liked their eyes, someone liked their abs, another thought they are creative and liked that.

I'm betting you have some great traits/attributes.  What are they?

[DarkCircuits]

Hey Darkcircuits:

So sorry for all that you are going through.

I do this simple exercise periodically.  Make a list of the things you like about yourself.  Sometime, it can be hard to do, and the answers may come slowly.  I'm actually participating with some other people making their own lists, with a fitness and weight-loss challenge I'm in.

Some examples are:  One person liked their smile, another liked their eyes, someone liked their abs, another thought they are creative and liked that.

I'm betting you have some great traits/attributes.  What are they?

At the moment, nothing. Everything about myself is flawed and I contribute nothing of significance.

People (e.g., patients) I deal with say that I'm very nice and cordial and I make their stay really pleasant---as much as I want to feel something when they say it, I don't really feel anything, it's like an emptiness where feelings of thankfulness and gratitude should be. It's more of an obligation, set on auto-pilot and not wanting to be a failure at my job. I feel disgusted with myself for not truly caring.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Darkcircuits:

So sorry for all that you are going through.

I do this simple exercise periodically.  Make a list of the things you like about yourself.  Sometime, it can be hard to do, and the answers may come slowly.  I'm actually participating with some other people making their own lists, with a fitness and weight-loss challenge I'm in.

Some examples are:  One person liked their smile, another liked their eyes, someone liked their abs, another thought they are creative and liked that.

I'm betting you have some great traits/attributes.  What are they?

At the moment, nothing. Everything about myself is flawed and I contribute nothing of significance.

People (e.g., patients) I deal with say that I'm very nice and cordial and I make their stay really pleasant---as much as I want to feel something when they say it, I don't really feel anything, it's like an emptiness where feelings of thankfulness and gratitude should be. It's more of an obligation, set on auto-pilot and not wanting to be a failure at my job. I feel disgusted with myself for not truly caring.

"nice and cordial" are great attributes! You are either a heck of a good actor, or you aren't ready to admit those attributes. There is a logic that some recommend - "act as if, and the feelings will follow".  I've used it a few times when I've been depressed.  Things don't change overnight.

I think I hear you saying you are good at your job.  I think you are someone with a lot of value.

Is there something you like to do for fun or stress relief? Do you have any pets?

[DarkCircuits]

Hey Darkcircuits:

So sorry for all that you are going through.

I do this simple exercise periodically.  Make a list of the things you like about yourself.  Sometime, it can be hard to do, and the answers may come slowly.  I'm actually participating with some other people making their own lists, with a fitness and weight-loss challenge I'm in.

Some examples are:  One person liked their smile, another liked their eyes, someone liked their abs, another thought they are creative and liked that.

I'm betting you have some great traits/attributes.  What are they?

At the moment, nothing. Everything about myself is flawed and I contribute nothing of significance.

People (e.g., patients) I deal with say that I'm very nice and cordial and I make their stay really pleasant---as much as I want to feel something when they say it, I don't really feel anything, it's like an emptiness where feelings of thankfulness and gratitude should be. It's more of an obligation, set on auto-pilot and not wanting to be a failure at my job. I feel disgusted with myself for not truly caring.

"nice and cordial" are great attributes! You are either a heck of a good actor, or you aren't ready to admit those attributes. There is a logic that some recommend - "act as if, and the feelings will follow".  I've used it a few times when I've been depressed.  Things don't change overnight.

I think I hear you saying you are good at your job.  I think you are someone with a lot of value.

Is there something you like to do for fun or stress relief? Do you have any pets?

Maybe so, I hope I feel soon. A weak-minded person can only hate themself for so long.

I'm undervalued at my job and a complete push-over. My anxiety and depression keep be from pursuing better things with my life-a.k.a I'm just a whiny pos that needs to get over herself. I'm trying too though.

If I'm not working or studying or drinking; I just mainly sit and watch t.v. shows--totally productive-not.

Nope, never had a pet---well I had a goldfish when I was like 7 for about a week before I killed it (not purposedly) by feeding it crackers.

Always wanted a puppy for as long as I could remember.

My mother let us get a puppy and a kitten one time when I was 12, but made us take it back the next day because she didn't like them. I wasn't too happy about that, .

[Kwamina]

Hi DarkCicuits

I am glad to hear from you again. I notice you tend to label yourself quite harshly. Perhaps you can benefit from applying the so-called Double-Standard Method as described by Dr. David D. Burns:

"Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem."

Also the Semantic Method: "Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

Do you think applying these methods could help you?

Have you been able to check out that thread about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and the inner critic?

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[Naughty Nibbler]

Maybe so, I hope I feel soon. A weak-minded person can only hate themself for so long.

I'm undervalued at my job and a complete push-over. My anxiety and depression keep be from pursuing better things with my life-a.k.a I'm just a whiny pos that needs to get over herself. I'm trying too though.

If I'm not working or studying or drinking; I just mainly sit and watch t.v. shows--totally productive-not.

Nope, never had a pet---well I had a goldfish when I was like 7 for about a week before I killed it (not purposedly) by feeding it crackers.

Always wanted a puppy for as long as I could remember.

My mother let us get a puppy and a kitten one time when I was 12, but made us take it back the next day because she didn't like them. I wasn't too happy about that, .

DarkCircuits:

How sad to never have had a pet, other than the goldfish.  I think many of us have had a dead goldfish in our past, - short lifespan in the best of circumstances.

You sound busy with both work and school.  Have you thought about getting your own place and moving out of your parent's home?  Maybe a goal for the future? It might not be possible as a short-term goal, but working towards a goal, having some hope for the future can lift our spirits.

I probably watch too much television at times.  It can be a way to park your brain for awhile or give you the feeling of having some neutral company with you.  You are an intelligent person, so I think you know that alcoholic beverages can lead you further into the pit of anxiety and depression.

Do you have any goals at the current time?  If not, consider starting with just one goal.  Perhaps a goal to start a new activity to reduce anxiety and depression.  Does anything come to mind?

I have a dog, who is high energy, so that prompts me to go to the park.  I generally take a pocket camera with me.  I always feel better when I get home.  The walk in general is therapeutic.  I frequently take pictures (photography can be a good hobby), and many times, I meet interesting people.  Sometime, people are eager to share information about a bird you are both viewing.  Even people without dogs take an opportunity to stop and meet someone else's dog.

I think if I didn't have a dog, I'd probably look for an opportunity to walk someone else's dog.  It could be an elderly neighbor, a disabled neighbor or an animal rescue organization.

I'm looking into some volunteer opportunities that centers around something I'm interested in.  One would be volunteering at a wildlife rescue facility and another one would be with a wetlands preserve.  Not everyone has the time to volunteer, but it can be rewarding.

I'm just throwing out ideas.  How about one new goal or activity to start?  It can be tough when you are feeling down, but once you start something, you can be surprised that the activity helps elevate your mood and relieves your anxiety.  Some things I'm doing at home are: meditation, adult coloring (I'm using an ipad app), photography, music (I started a venting play list).

If you are currently in therapy, perhaps you could discuss it with your T.