update exgf contacted me after 8 months

[Bigmd]

I guess I posted over a week ago. The thread reached max posts and was closed. Fast forward to Tues and our phone conversation. My ex texted me tues afternoon to see how I was. She was on a lunch break. She then asked me what I told my family when we broke up. I told her that when my family asked I said she dumped me. She asked me why I said that, I said because that's what happened . My ex said I should have told them it was a mutual break because now she looks like the bad person. I told her that's not what happened and why does it matter anyway. She had to go back to work but I'm pretty sure she was annoyed, what else is new ? Lol. Later at night we talked on phone for an hour. It started off as a replay of our last phone convo in the summer. She projected on me and refused to take any blame. But I told her what I felt. I said what she did was not fair to me. I brought up a lot of her actions, such as silent treatment, insecurities, criticism, etc. she agreed with most of it but never apologized. We eventually got off that and talked about normal stuff, we even laughed and joked around. It was actually nice to hear her voice. At this point I feel good that I got a lot off my chest. I'm not sure it makes any difference though, she hasn't changed. She did agree we can meet up . I'm not even sure how I feel about it. We haven't talked much since.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

I'm not even sure how I feel about it.

This seems like an important thing to dig into.

You are not sure about how you feeling seeing her?

Once you see face to face, it's likely that things will start to accelerate. Knowing that she hasn't changed, are you prepared to learn some communication skills to try and mitigate the conflict?

[Bigmd]

We spoke today again on phone. I realize there is no way this will ever work. She's telling me she's hoping I have grown in past 8 months. But when I  ask her about ST she says that's the way she is, even though I told her how it hurts. So she hadn't gone through any changes. Basically same convo. She was telling me what I did wrong . So it's not looking good but I feel fine. I feel good I was able to speak my peace. For the first time in months I don't feel like crap.

[Grey Kitty]

  Harsh reality time for you here.

If you reconnect with her, she isn't going to behave any differently than she did before.

The only difference will be you--are you willing and able to handle it differently if you reconnect?

Your other choices are to keep your distance or go back into what you had before, should she be willing to do that.

[Bigmd]

Yeah the convo definately opened my eyes. The fact that she wasnt going to change even a little showed me she's the same as when we broke up. I don't know why I'm surprised. I think I'll keep my distance and not pursue. She texted me after and said she's  glad we can talk. I basically said im not sure what's gonna happen but we would need to have a serious conversation. I told her relationships need to have compromise. Haven't heard back from her.

[Bigmd]

Just want to button up this thread and I'll probably be done posting for time being. Me and the ex havent talked on the phone since I posted this. I have been talking to her ex friend who I am also friends with. They do not talk anymore because she finally got fed up with the way she's been treated. She told me she has no friends and has not talked to her family either. For some reason I still feel bad for her. I did reach out about a week ago through text just to see how she is doing. I didn't get a response until the next day where she responded by saying she basically doesn't want to talk all the time. I told her I just wanted to see how she was doing. I never got a response. I'm convinced she will be miserable and alone for the rest of her life. Not my problem anymore. I did what I could and if it was closure I was seeking I think I got it. In our last two phone convos I was able to get my feelings out and tell her what she did was not right. I was able to get my side of the story out. But to no avail anyway, she doesn't apologize and accepts no responsibility for anything. Although I don't think it's the last time I will hear from her, I have no real desire to talk to her or see her. The fact that she told me she won't change was all I needed. I'm not about to revisit the crap I felt last summer. I've moved on, I've been dating someone for the last 4 months. I can tell you the feelings for my new girlfriend surpass what I felt about my ex. For those of you who think you will never have as good of sex as you did with your BPD ex, don't think that. I can tell you it's as intense or more intense as before. Although my new girlfriend has some of her own past issues she is genuinely a good person with none of the chaos and drama I felt with my ex. I still catch myself thinking the way I used to. Sometimes I wonder if she's mad or maybe I said the wrong thing. That's something I need to get over. We have not fought yet but any disagreements were quickly resolved by talking. She has even apologized too. Wow that's crazy . I will say when we met things went fast and I got scared and pushed her away. Definately a result of my past dysfunctional relationship. But once I let my guard down and went with it I realize there is happiness after BPD. I can honestly say I'm happy and in love. I wake up happy too. So anyone going through it now, it gets better. Took me the better part of 9 months. We broke up in July. Keep your head up.