Today's exchange with my sons mother

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today's exchange, I think I did well?

Me

I would like to see Jacob today if possible

Her

When?

Me

I will be done with AA by 1:30 so anytime after that

Her

K I will have to ask my mom or my church family if they can drop him off to you then. But this time he is to stay with you until the time we agree on. If u do drop him off with a family member before then, then that's between you guys but I will not pick him up until 5pm on Sunday as planned. Last weekend my day was ruined I was at church, had a church gathering, then was gonna go play soccer and couldn't... I'll tell this to my family too. I do not want Jacob NOT seeing you, he loves you. But I also can't be controlled on when YOU want to do what you want. It's hard Jerry I know believe me it's hard on me too, but thank the Lord that Jesus has already conqured all this and we just need to cooperate and do this for jacob ... .he gets so excited when he knows he's going to ur house...

Her

So with thay being said, would you like him for the day or weekend

Her

Next weekend I need him but you may have him on his birthday if you'd like.

Her

Anyway. Umm... so if mom can't pick him up I will drop him off ... .I'd rather not text much tho I just need to know thoughts and times and yup   ... .God Bless You

Me

I am still recovering from chemo so I would like to have him today and see how it goes, it isn't healthy for Jacob or myself if I get sick

Me

I don't like being sick and I will do the best I can, you can drop him off as I don't mind, thank you

Her

I understand that, but you need to find help then cuz I can't plan my life around your needs as I am no lwowerw a part of your life but Jacob's life if that makes sense. I will drop him off, at ur home?

Her

I have to find help just as you do. It's hard, I know. But we can talk more about that later too as the time goes on

Me

Yes please, I will be waiting for him at home, I have everything he needs.

Her

Okay. 3pm be ok?

Her

Or did u want him earlier

Her

Wait wow... .ok 230, plz be down stairs waiting for us though. My friend from church will help us. She will pick us up and will b there around 230, I'll text u when we r on our way. Do u need clothes

Me

Just one extra set of casual warm clothes, ty

Her

K

[JerryRG]

Today's exchange, I think I did well?

Me

I would like to see Jacob today if possible

Her

When?

Me

I will be done with AA by 1:30 so anytime after that

Her

K I will have to ask my mom or my church family if they can drop him off to you then. But this time he is to stay with you until the time we agree on. If u do drop him off with a family member before then, then that's between you guys but I will not pick him up until 5pm on Sunday as planned. Last weekend my day was ruined I was at church, had a church gathering, then was gonna go play soccer and couldn't... I'll tell this to my family too. I do not want Jacob NOT seeing you, he loves you. But I also can't be controlled on when YOU want to do what you want. It's hard Jerry I know believe me it's hard on me too, but thank the Lord that Jesus has already conqured all this and we just need to cooperate and do this for jacob ... .he gets so excited when he knows he's going to ur house...

Her

So with thay being said, would you like him for the day or weekend

Her

Next weekend I need him but you may have him on his birthday if you'd like.

Her

Anyway. Umm... so if mom can't pick him up I will drop him off ... .I'd rather not text much tho I just need to know thoughts and times and yup   ... .God Bless You

Me

I am still recovering from chemo so I would like to have him today and see how it goes, it isn't healthy for Jacob or myself if I get sick

Me

I don't like being sick and I will do the best I can, you can drop him off as I don't mind, thank you

Her

I understand that, but you need to find help then cuz I can't plan my life around your needs as I am no lwowerw a part of your life but Jacob's life if that makes sense. I will drop him off, at ur home?

Her

I have to find help just as you do. It's hard, I know. But we can talk more about that later too as the time goes on

Me

Yes please, I will be waiting for him at home, I have everything he needs.

Her

Okay. 3pm be ok?

Her

Or did u want him earlier

Her

Wait wow... .ok 230, plz be down stairs waiting for us though. My friend from church will help us. She will pick us up and will b there around 230, I'll text u when we r on our way. Do u need clothes

Me

Just one extra set of casual warm clothes, ty

Her

K

[ForeverDad]

Well, I didn't detect that much obstruction from her.   It was like she gets more triggered when her schedule gets changed or she has to cancel her other activities?  Lots of disordered people can't handle changes well.

They also, my Ex included, can't handle options well.  I found out that it is better to state what I want.  I recall at one exchange we were discussing the next exchanges around an upcoming holiday.  She couldn't seem to decide so I offered options A, B and C, all as good or better than what she was pondering.  Her retort before leaving, "Well, then I just won't make the next exchange!"   As it turned out she did, but I learned a lesson that day, offering choices can be triggering to a person with an acting-out PD.

I'm thinking she's not that oppositional, at least as far as blocking goes.  It's more like she doesn't want her life and adult activities disrupted?  (Some people with BPD are like that, more focused on adult relationships and activities than on the children.  This lesser conflict is the minority of problems reported here, probably because the conflict isn't so intense.)  Actually, her not actively blocking you is a Big Plus for you, if it continues, since it won't be as hard for you to be an involved father.

But this time he is to stay with you until the time we agree on. If u do drop him off with a family member before then, then that's between you guys but I will not pick him up until 5pm on Sunday as planned.

So I think the recommendation to find caregivers such as your own sitter or a local daycare is a wise suggestion.  She not only won't resent it, she actually implied it!

But I also can't be controlled on when YOU want to do what you want.

This seems to be a core trigger or issue for her.  You may think being flexible is a good thing but she sees it as a problem, you taking advantage of her and in effect "controlling" her.  Ponder over how best to handle her sensitive hot button.  I'm sure others will chime in with their thoughts too.

I'm not saying it will be smooth sailing.  You've mentioned that you think she wants the child support $$$.  That can be a hurdle for you to convince her and the court that your son would do better with you.  Despite that road bump I'm thinking you MAY be able to work something out.  Emphasis on MAY, of course.  Keep your court options open in case you can't come to some solid and enforceable arrangement soon.  I write 'soon' because the longer she has majority time then the more majority parenting history she has and the more court will be an uphill struggle for you.

BTW, please remember to edit out the names or use fake names.   For you, me and all of us in remote and anonymous peer support it's better that way.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Foreverdad

Everything went well today, son is in the bath tub then bedtime.

Have a great weekend