Have you ever read forum for pwBPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm curious person and I wanted to know about their point of view.

Like here I found some topics where they say that they hate us, we are a cause of their problems, etc.

But also other topics where theme are more selfaware or/and in therapy.

Their way to think and to live in general is undoubtedly different.

Have u ever try?

[FraFra85]

I'm curious person and I wanted to know about their point of view.

Like here I found some topics where they say that they hate us, we are a cause of their problems, etc.

But also other topics where theme are more selfaware or/and in therapy.

Their way to think and to live in general is undoubtedly different.

Have u ever try?

[WoundedBibi]

Yes. On occasion I read the pwBPD board. It helps in understanding their view on the world, NONs, themselves. I wouldn't read it when you feel very emotional or foggy though; it can trigger too.

[FraFra85]

Reading there I can have some answers to my unanswered questions.

Here it's common to try to imagine how they could feel after breakups, if they have remorse, etc.

It's interesting for me undestand their point of view.

Obv now I feel emotionally good coz some posts could trigger a person still in fog or not recovered.

[blackbirdsong]

I'm curious person and I wanted to know about their point of view.

Like here I found some topics where they say that they hate us, we are a cause of their problems, etc.

But also other topics where theme are more selfaware or/and in therapy.

Their way to think and to live in general is undoubtedly different.

Have u ever try?

Yes, there was a period after the breakup that I really spent a lot of time reading 'their' stories. I learned a lot about BPD through this. Also, based on these stories, I think I skipped 'angry' phase of the detachment, because I can't be angry at her after I learned so much about BPD. I know that she is not an evil person, she is ill. Seriously disordered person. It just makes me sad so I avoid reading it now.

[tryingsome]

Where is this pwBPD board? I didn't know they had one?

[C.Stein]

Reading there I can have some answers to my unanswered questions.

Here it's common to try to imagine how they could feel after breakups, if they have remorse, etc.

It's interesting for me undestand their point of view.

I will caution you here.  One, or even several persons experience with the disorder is by no means representative of all people who suffer from the disorder.  BPD is known as a spectrum disorder because the symptoms/traits can manifest themselves in a nearly infinite number of ways.  While you may find many similarities there are just as many differences, especially when you throw in comorbidity.

I have visited quite a few different boards for people suffering from the disorder in a hope to better understand.  While I did gain some insight into the disorder from those suffering from it, it did not really help me to understand what I went through with my ex or what she is going through.  Keep this in mind.

[Learning Fast]

Psychforums.com has a terrific forum for "Significant Others" (follow the prompts until you get to the sub forum that addresses "ask someone with BPD" . 

As others have warned I would not view this site unless you feel as though you have progressed well beyond the initial shock of the discard.  Additionally, the commentary among those who have BPD may trigger and should be approached with caution.

That being said, I read most of the 171 pages of "ask someone with BPD" and IMHO found it to be more helpful than harmful in both furthering my recovery, broadening my understanding of BPD and becoming more accepting of the realities of the disorder.

LF

[once removed]

I will caution you here.  One, or even several persons experience with the disorder is by no means representative of all people who suffer from the disorder.  BPD is known as a spectrum disorder because the symptoms/traits can manifest themselves in a nearly infinite number of ways.  While you may find many similarities there are just as many differences, especially when you throw in comorbidity.

I have visited quite a few different boards for people suffering from the disorder in a hope to better understand.  While I did gain some insight into the disorder from those suffering from it, it did not really help me to understand what I went through with my ex or what she is going through.  Keep this in mind.

i want to second C. Stein. theres a risk to viewing a stranger on the internet as a proxy of your ex. there are plenty of stories on this board i can relate to - but my ex was a unique individual, with a spectrum disorder, that effected me uniquely, she was in a unique place with regard to her disorder, she is more than just her disorder, and quite frankly there is not one particular story ive read that i feel gives me any insight into what my ex, as an individual, was thinking or experiencing.

you have more insight into your ex than any anonymous, one sided, unique view on the internet.

[FraFra85]

Reading there I can have some answers to my unanswered questions.

Here it's common to try to imagine how they could feel after breakups, if they have remorse, etc.

It's interesting for me undestand their point of view.

I will caution you here.  One, or even several persons experience with the disorder is by no means representative of all people who suffer from the disorder.  BPD is known as a spectrum disorder because the symptoms/traits can manifest themselves in a nearly infinite number of ways.  While you may find many similarities there are just as many differences, especially when you throw in comorbidity.

I have visited quite a few different boards for people suffering from the disorder in a hope to better understand.  While I did gain some insight into the disorder from those suffering from it, it did not really help me to understand what I went through with my ex or what she is going through.  Keep this in mind.

Every person is different, for pwbDP there are common traits-behaviours-patterns but then there are ton of other peculiarity for each one. I want to understand more about their way to live r/s and what they feel more then discover about my ex. About her I analyzed a lot and I reached my conclusions.

People on forums don't rapresent all people in general but only who search informations and explanations imho. People who have bad experiences with BPD could think that theme are selfish, bad, evil, crazy without know the reason for their behaviour; I think exh of my ex don't know the reality.

[Learning Fast]

Taking the other side of this, I'd agree that BPD forum commentary is best utilized if you are at a decent spot in your detachment and didn't have a severe spectrum BPD relationship.  Additionally, one size does not fit all and you should "date" but not "marry" any comments. And most of the opinions come from those who are diagnosed and are self-aware.

That being said, I did find it helpful in my healing process.  I read the posts of over a dozen pwBPD and found much of what was said corroborates much of what we have found here.  The many commons behavior patterns cited by those who actually have the disorder helped me become more empathetic and accepting.

(Disclosure---my relationship was probably about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 with a 10 representing the most severe so my experience has probably not been as dramatic, disdained or disruptive as many)

LF

[FraFra85]

 C<|||Learning Fast

I agree with you. My ex is high functional and she have moderate BPD. My long distance r/s ended dramatically and fast but wasn't so traumatic like others here (no cheating, no 3+ recycle, no abusive behaviours, no offensive words. One day she perceived abandoment and she was triggered from my words and she changed totally attitude and few days after closed. After she gave fault 75% to distance and only 25% to me. Instead following her logic she took one man that work with her, very near, only few days after also if she admitted that she didn't love him).

This site is very complete and helpful, what's is written here it's almost the same of what they write in their forums; more common topics that I saw are discussions about their traits, about issues and failed r/s and mostly theme are unhappy.

Also those in therapy struggle with r/s.

From what I read here and there, my opionion is that based on DSM V, 5 criteria or + are needed to have BPD, with therapy criteria could be 4 or less so technically not anymore pwBPD, but they still struggle with intimate r/s that is imho the core issue of BPD.

I could add that to have long term healty r/s some characteristics are needed in pwBPD and nons plus for theme lot of work on their disease. Odds for theme to have succesful LT and healty r/s are very small, in the other hands it's more easy to work on other traits and pattern of the disorder to live better.

my 2 cents.

[Learning Fast]

What I found surprising on psychforums were the number of times pwBPD would bluntly recommend to an inquiring non something like this "Sorry to hear your story but you should just let her/him go", "Find someone else as that's the way we are" or "Continue at your own risk but realize that without therapy she/he won't change" or something similar.  Most of their commentary was very unvarnished and candid in nature.

Additionally, there were a couple of members who answered many nons questions covering several pages.  I found it to be very enlightening and affirming in broader sense.

Cautionary warning---as others here have mentioned read at your own risk as their comments are not a diagnosis of your specific situation and could also trigger.

[FraFra85]

What I found surprising on psychforums were the number of times pwBPD would bluntly recommend to an inquiring non something like this "Sorry to hear your story but you should just let her/him go", "Find someone else as that's the way we are" or "Continue at your own risk but realize that without therapy she/he won't change" or something similar.  Most of their commentary was very unvarnished and candid in nature.

Additionally, there were a couple of members who answered many nons questions covering several pages.  I found it to be very enlightening and affirming in broader sense.

Cautionary warning---as others here have mentioned read at your own risk as their comments are not a diagnosis of your specific situation and could also trigger.

When I spoke with my ex after breakup and I told: Axxxx u close after 2.5y of wonderful r/s only for one sentence that I told! She answered "this is how I am. What do u expect that I say?". They don't give the same weight of us in important r/s. She noticed day after that she made something wrong but then she started to give faults to other reasons and other typical defense mechanisms.

Yes some comments between pwBPD are like: if he/she trigger you, close the r/s and leave. It's clear that their love is very superficial and ephemeral (when they love coz lot of times it's only need of a partner). Intead there also lot of topics where they ask if they are able to love. Love in adult people it's more consistent, deep, structured.

I'm not sure some of theme are able to love like an adult if we assume that theme are emotionally like a children in adult bodies. With therapy they can learn how to control their behaviour and other patterns, but I don't think they will be able to learn to love like an adult and that a deep emotion such love could be learned.

[Learning Fast]

I'm not sure some of theme are able to love like an adult if we assume that theme are emotionally like a children in adult bodies. With therapy they can learn how to control their behaviour and other patterns, but I don't think they will be able to learn to love like an adult and that a deep emotion such love could be learned.

FF,

Very true indeed.  In fact it's very interesting to read some of the "pure" pwBPD (w/o nons) commentary.  Many will describe what is copied above as one of their most significant areas of frustration and disappointment.

LF

[FannyB]

(Disclosure---my relationship was probably about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 with a 10 representing the most severe so my experience has probably not been as dramatic, disdained or disruptive as many)

Hi LF

I really think it would be helpful if we could devise a system for categorizing our exes on a scale of 1 to 10.  The spectrum for BPD is so wide that sometimes advice given can be taken the wrong way depending on the severity of your own experience. A sort of richter scale for borderlines - so to speak. 

Fanny

[FraFra85]

(Disclosure---my relationship was probably about a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 with a 10 representing the most severe so my experience has probably not been as dramatic, disdained or disruptive as many)

Hi LF

I really think it would be helpful if we could devise a system for categorizing our exes on a scale of 1 to 10.  The spectrum for BPD is so wide that sometimes advice given can be taken the wrong way depending on the severity of your own experience. A sort of richter scale for borderlines - so to speak. 

Fanny

In that case I can give 3 to mine. But I'm sure that ex husband could give something like 8-9 

[HarleypsychRN]

I have absolutely no desire to visit their board. Perhaps I'm being too harsh here but I liken it to going swimming in a cesspool... .and yes, I'm angry at mine for the damage and chaos she created in my life. Yes, they are sick and yes they are disordered.

My ex-BPD is in the caring profession and had been in therapy and (I assume) rejected it. They can offer me nothing except excuses and sympathy for their toxic behaviors. I'm just not interested... .

I hold myself accountable for getting into a relationship with her because everything in me TOLD me she was BPD and I ran through every red flag, every stop sign because she told me she had a handle on it... .she lied.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[teapay]

These forums, blogs and utube videos can help one to understand the illness and allow one to realize they weren't crazy.  However, they also validate and confirm much the stigma that surrounds BPD by the words of suffers themselves and often confirm the same things expressed on BPD bashing sites and attitudes which are held by much of the mentail health community.  Significant effort has gone on trying to deconstruct the BPD stigma, yet at the same time suffers of BPD are building it back up.  Radical acceptance and comments like "you know how we are, simply close the relationship" or very similar to the "Run!, Run!" comments on other sites, except the volume is turned down.  Often one is also left with the impression that among BPD suffers, those on the lower end if use the stigma to bash those on the upper end, saying that all BPD "arent like that", implying "that" as being an abuser, cheater, liar, addict ect... .

[once removed]

I have absolutely no desire to visit their board.

thats pretty much my attitude. ive read a handful of threads on other forums, and seen a handful of youtube videos of those claiming to be diagnosed.

none of them were my ex. none of them sounded like my ex. none of them gave me the slightest insight into my ex or her thoughts. while i cant fully get into my exes head (or anyones), im in the best position to try, no one else is her or knows her.

theres a lot missing from any of the perspectives out there. are they in recovery? how far into recovery? do they have a higher level of self awareness than any given person or lower? are they telling the "truth"?

if you read gundersons three levels of BPD (its been a very long time since i have) he mentions that there is a phase where a person with BPD may have a greater level of self reflection when it comes to past relationships. my ex spoke to me about her first serious relationship; the guy was painted pretty white, and she essentially put all the blame on herself saying she wondered why he even liked her. thats not in line with most of the stories here, where most exes paint most of their exes black and are very short on detail. its not even in line with how my own ex spoke of any of her other exes. i have my doubts that its in line with how she talks or thinks about me, but thats speculation.

in other words, "the BPD perspective" may or may not give you real insight into the disorder. chances are it gives you little to no insight into your ex.

ps. this video that we link to contains the perspective of a few pwBPD in recovery, their friends and family, and several of the "authorities" on BPD like marsha linehan and otto kernberg (gunderson too!). its a great watch: https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder