Is it possible for someone with BPD to only display it with one person?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I met my ex-girlfriend in 2011. We had terrific chemistry and all was great. On our first trip a few weeks later, she accused me of being interested in a female friend I had known for a couple years. I kept telling her I wasn't and that she was just a friend. No matter what I said she twisted it around. Literally a couple minutes after I said something she would say I said something completely different than what I said.

We got passed it but this type of thing would repeat itself over the next few years. One day, at the wedding of one of her family members, she accused me of cheating on her with her niece. A girl I had just met that day and who lived about  2 hours away. Fortunately this was outside and not around any family members. I left and she called me crying and said she was sorry. And that she knew I wasn't and had been cheated on by every guy she had been with so she figured I was too.

Throughout the entire relationship she would twist my words into things I never said. Always into the worst possible things. Over the years she confided in me that her high-school boyfriend, husband, and another boyfriend beat her up multiple times. Eventually she also confided that her sons had too. Which I completely believe as I've seen what they are capable of. Both are very violent. One son had SA problems. The other, I believe, has a psychological disorder. Possibly bi-polar. Later I would find out that one of her sisters is bi-polar. And my ex was suspected of having it and working with a psychologist.

In the course of 2 years we went through things, unrelated to her behavior,  that most people don't go through their entire lives. Most of which was things her sons were caught up in, and/or causing. Including even death threats from one of the violent sons. At which point I moved her into my house. After I helped her through those things, and our problems were again just her behavior, I couldn't take the continued drama and I told her I was breaking up with her. She fell apart. She alternated between symptoms of a panic attack and acting like a child.

It was the second worst thing I had ever seen and I couldn't take it. I relented and said I would try again. Things didn't get better though. They actually got a little worse. I began thinking of a woman I had dated before her. And how stable she was. I longed for that. Not being woken up at 1 or 2am for one thing or another. Not having my words twisted. Not being blamed for things I didn't do or say. I didn't act on anything though. I kept trying but I could feel myself giving up. Wanting something normal. Eventually I broke up with her again. Knowing the situation with her violent son I told her she could stay at my house as long as she wanted / needed to. What transpired was the worst breakdown I have ever seen someone have. It was similar to the first time I tried to break things off. But much worse. Again flipping between panic attack symptoms, crying, gasping for air, acting as a child would, threatening to harm herself, and actually hitting herself, and throwing up. It was horrifying and I thought about recanting again. But I didn't. I just worked on calming her down and helping her however I could. It took 3 or 4 hours but eventually she was sleeping.

She moved into a separate bedroom and we tried to be hospitable. And we tried to be friends. I started dating the woman before her again. My ex continued her behavior. We tried to work on being friends. Because I truly loved her. I still do. A lot. I just couldn't be with her romantically. It was harming my health.  Once it was safe for her to move back into her house she did. About 4 months had passed since I had broken up with her. Over the past year I have helped her and tried to be her friend. While making it clear that we won't ever get back together. And with her saying the same. On and off she continued to twist my words, say I said things I didn't say, say how bad I treat her all the time, etc. About the only things she never accused me of was hitting her. Which is good, because I never did. I have never hit a woman and never would. She said I was her only SO that didn't.

We agreed to see a counselor to try to work on being friends. It was her idea. We went about 6 months ago. In the session she lied and said I said things I never did. Twisted my words, the usual. She said she never wanted to come and didn't know why she was there, etc. The counselor essentially said we shouldn't work on being friends. Since I had made the appointment the counselor asked me to stay. When my ex left, the counselor asked me if I had ever heard of BPD. She told me to go home and Google it. I did and I couldn't believe it. Every symptom right down the line. Everything I had been going through. It was all right there. I always knew that bi-polar didn't explain everything. This did. In fact many of the times she would act out she would even say that she knows she pushes people away to see if they will leave her or if they will stay.

I spoke with her psychologist (she authorized me too) and explained what had been going on, that BPD matched everything I had been going through with her, etc. He mostly dismissed it. But said what he was giving her would work for both bi-polar and BPD. Since then we've tried to stay friends. She's acknowledged the new woman in my life, etc. Which is big, I know. I don't know if I could become friends with someone who broke up with me. But for the past 3 days she has been awful again. Saying I texted things I didn't text, saying how much I mistreat her, etc. Saying that I've never done anything for her since we broke up, etc. I listed some of the things I've done for her and she tells me that I'm always throwing things up in her face. Not the case at all.

My girlfriend is a psychiatrist and has been very supportive. She knows of my desire to remain friends and has been great. She is truly wonderful woman, but obviously my ex has caused problems for us. After the past 3 days with my ex causing drama for me / toward me I just had enough. We had been working toward being able to hang out more and everything. Things were going better, and then once again got accused of saying things in texts I never said. Today, after she called me on the phone screaming at me hysterically, accusing me, being completely illogical, etc I couldn't take it anymore and told her that I think the best thing is for us to no longer be friends. It was so hard because I know she has BPD and I am essentially giving up on someone I love immensely. Not as a girlfriend, but I do love her all the same. I'm teary just thinking about never getting to hang out with her anymore or talk. I worry about her. Worse yet, it's the third time I've given up on her. I gave up on her when I broke up, gave up on her when I started dating again, and gave up on her today when I told her that we should not be friends anymore.

I feel terrible because I care so much about her. Part of the reason for today is how she says repeatedly that I am a horrible friend and do nothing but mistreat her. When nothing could be further from the truth. But there has been something I haven't been able to figure out that also led me to tell her we shouldn't be friends any longer. I've never seen her BPD symptoms happening against / toward someone else. I've not seen it between her and her sisters, or between her and her mom. Perhaps I'm just toxic for her and she'll be happier without me "mistreating her". Can BPD symptoms just be exhibited in interactions with certain people? Is that possible?

[ExKnight]

I met my ex-girlfriend in 2011. We had terrific chemistry and all was great. On our first trip a few weeks later, she accused me of being interested in a female friend I had known for a couple years. I kept telling her I wasn't and that she was just a friend. No matter what I said she twisted it around. Literally a couple minutes after I said something she would say I said something completely different than what I said.

We got passed it but this type of thing would repeat itself over the next few years. One day, at the wedding of one of her family members, she accused me of cheating on her with her niece. A girl I had just met that day and who lived about  2 hours away. Fortunately this was outside and not around any family members. I left and she called me crying and said she was sorry. And that she knew I wasn't and had been cheated on by every guy she had been with so she figured I was too.

Throughout the entire relationship she would twist my words into things I never said. Always into the worst possible things. Over the years she confided in me that her high-school boyfriend, husband, and another boyfriend beat her up multiple times. Eventually she also confided that her sons had too. Which I completely believe as I've seen what they are capable of. Both are very violent. One son had SA problems. The other, I believe, has a psychological disorder. Possibly bi-polar. Later I would find out that one of her sisters is bi-polar. And my ex was suspected of having it and working with a psychologist.

In the course of 2 years we went through things, unrelated to her behavior,  that most people don't go through their entire lives. Most of which was things her sons were caught up in, and/or causing. Including even death threats from one of the violent sons. At which point I moved her into my house. After I helped her through those things, and our problems were again just her behavior, I couldn't take the continued drama and I told her I was breaking up with her. She fell apart. She alternated between symptoms of a panic attack and acting like a child.

It was the second worst thing I had ever seen and I couldn't take it. I relented and said I would try again. Things didn't get better though. They actually got a little worse. I began thinking of a woman I had dated before her. And how stable she was. I longed for that. Not being woken up at 1 or 2am for one thing or another. Not having my words twisted. Not being blamed for things I didn't do or say. I didn't act on anything though. I kept trying but I could feel myself giving up. Wanting something normal. Eventually I broke up with her again. Knowing the situation with her violent son I told her she could stay at my house as long as she wanted / needed to. What transpired was the worst breakdown I have ever seen someone have. It was similar to the first time I tried to break things off. But much worse. Again flipping between panic attack symptoms, crying, gasping for air, acting as a child would, threatening to harm herself, and actually hitting herself, and throwing up. It was horrifying and I thought about recanting again. But I didn't. I just worked on calming her down and helping her however I could. It took 3 or 4 hours but eventually she was sleeping.

She moved into a separate bedroom and we tried to be hospitable. And we tried to be friends. I started dating the woman before her again. My ex continued her behavior. We tried to work on being friends. Because I truly loved her. I still do. A lot. I just couldn't be with her romantically. It was harming my health.  Once it was safe for her to move back into her house she did. About 4 months had passed since I had broken up with her. Over the past year I have helped her and tried to be her friend. While making it clear that we won't ever get back together. And with her saying the same. On and off she continued to twist my words, say I said things I didn't say, say how bad I treat her all the time, etc. About the only things she never accused me of was hitting her. Which is good, because I never did. I have never hit a woman and never would. She said I was her only SO that didn't.

We agreed to see a counselor to try to work on being friends. It was her idea. We went about 6 months ago. In the session she lied and said I said things I never did. Twisted my words, the usual. She said she never wanted to come and didn't know why she was there, etc. The counselor essentially said we shouldn't work on being friends. Since I had made the appointment the counselor asked me to stay. When my ex left, the counselor asked me if I had ever heard of BPD. She told me to go home and Google it. I did and I couldn't believe it. Every symptom right down the line. Everything I had been going through. It was all right there. I always knew that bi-polar didn't explain everything. This did. In fact many of the times she would act out she would even say that she knows she pushes people away to see if they will leave her or if they will stay.

I spoke with her psychologist (she authorized me too) and explained what had been going on, that BPD matched everything I had been going through with her, etc. He mostly dismissed it. But said what he was giving her would work for both bi-polar and BPD. Since then we've tried to stay friends. She's acknowledged the new woman in my life, etc. Which is big, I know. I don't know if I could become friends with someone who broke up with me. But for the past 3 days she has been awful again. Saying I texted things I didn't text, saying how much I mistreat her, etc. Saying that I've never done anything for her since we broke up, etc. I listed some of the things I've done for her and she tells me that I'm always throwing things up in her face. Not the case at all.

My girlfriend is a psychiatrist and has been very supportive. She knows of my desire to remain friends and has been great. She is truly wonderful woman, but obviously my ex has caused problems for us. After the past 3 days with my ex causing drama for me / toward me I just had enough. We had been working toward being able to hang out more and everything. Things were going better, and then once again got accused of saying things in texts I never said. Today, after she called me on the phone screaming at me hysterically, accusing me, being completely illogical, etc I couldn't take it anymore and told her that I think the best thing is for us to no longer be friends. It was so hard because I know she has BPD and I am essentially giving up on someone I love immensely. Not as a girlfriend, but I do love her all the same. I'm teary just thinking about never getting to hang out with her anymore or talk. I worry about her. Worse yet, it's the third time I've given up on her. I gave up on her when I broke up, gave up on her when I started dating again, and gave up on her today when I told her that we should not be friends anymore.

I feel terrible because I care so much about her. Part of the reason for today is how she says repeatedly that I am a horrible friend and do nothing but mistreat her. When nothing could be further from the truth. But there has been something I haven't been able to figure out that also led me to tell her we shouldn't be friends any longer. I've never seen her BPD symptoms happening against / toward someone else. I've not seen it between her and her sisters, or between her and her mom. Perhaps I'm just toxic for her and she'll be happier without me "mistreating her". Can BPD symptoms just be exhibited in interactions with certain people? Is that possible?

[Turkish]

Hi ExKnight,

Given your question, do you think that she is a victim of you, considering all that she told you about past relationships and her family? It sounds like you might feel responsible for her behaviors. Am I reading this right?

Turkish

[WoundedBibi]

Usually the person closest to them will bear the brunt of the behaviour. Often outsiders will not recognize the pwBPD when described by their SO. Their experience can be very different. I know my ex showed his abusive behaviour only with and to me. But once I saw him for who he was I could see other deviant behaviour when he was around others that others might miss. Blinded by his charm and good looks they just saw a charming sensitive smart guy with a drinking problem.

That your ex says you are treating her terribly, it's hard not to let it get to you, but in her head you probably are. Her perception of what you say, do, of what happens is completely different to yours. And nothing you will say or do can change her perception. If you know you are not a terrible friend, that will have to be enough for you.

I have some questions for you though. Why did you have this desire to remain friends? It is possible to care deeply about someone from afar too. Can you examine this? Are you really an EX-knight?

[Tomacini]

Yep, i recognize this. She would act out against me or her parents. Her behavior was only visible to us. Among friends, she was the perfect friend.

I iften asked, why do you have to work out your bad feelings on me? To which she always replied: who else is there?

That about sums it up

[Lexisdad]

Acted this way to only me. I beleive from what her family said this was the case in all her relationships. She was diagnosed as bipolar in her teens. Im sure her family saw her acting out to them.

[WoundedBibi]

Yep, i recognize this. She would act out against me or her parents. Her behavior was only visible to us. Among friends, she was the perfect friend.

I iften asked, why do you have to work out your bad feelings on me? To which she always replied: who else is there?

That about sums it up

I think she over simplified. The closer you are (or feel) the more you will trigger the core fear of the pwBPD. The more they are triggered they more the behaviour will show.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex hasn't devalued my replacement or her replacement friends yet... .I don't think she will.

[WoundedBibi]

My ex hasn't devalued my replacement or her replacement friends yet... .I don't think she will.

If she has BPD she will. It's just a matter of time. Besides, the devaluing happens in private at first and you're not there to see that. So maybe she has but you don't know it.

[Tomacini]

Yep, i recognize this. She would act out against me or her parents. Her behavior was only visible to us. Among friends, she was the perfect friend.

I iften asked, why do you have to work out your bad feelings on me? To which she always replied: who else is there?

That about sums it up

I think she over simplified. The closer you are (or feel) the more you will trigger the core fear of the pwBPD. The more they are triggered they more the behaviour will show.

Wounded: I really like your comments overall. You seem to be very knowledgeable

[ExKnight]

I wouldn't say that I feel responsible for the ways / times she acts out. But I do / did wonder why this behavior is just exhibited toward me. I do of course feel responsible for breaking up with my ex, and finding a drama-free relationship. And essentially giving up on my friend / ex three times now.

In the past she has admitted to contemplating suicide. Which I reported to her psychologist. The one son that is still somewhat in the picture, is very violent and I believe, based on things she told me, that he beat her up again as late as a month ago when she had gone to visit him (grown and living in a different state). I had received a late night text a month ago saying merely "I am so scared right now!". She told me they had plans for a visit and I knew what the problem had to be. She didn't respond to my calls or texts. I then called her mom, who said she had just talked to her grandson on his cell and he said his mom was "acting up" and that it was her heart (I do know she has had heart problems before). And that he was driving her home. I suspected her son was lying about what was going on and that it really wasn't heart problems. So I urged her mom to keep calling him to check on things since he would answer her calls. I couldn't even sleep because I was powerless to help. I didn't know what route they were taking, where they were, etc. The next day when I was finally able to contact my ex and I could tell what had happened. She later said things that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I just don't have sufficient proof.

I love her like a sister. I worry about her. Her safety, her happiness, everything. That is part of why I wanted to keep being friends. We did have some very fun times, even as late as a couple weeks ago. It's both of us that have wanted to remain friends.

I keep telling her she needs to stop having any contact with that son. I've been telling her that for years. Fortunately he lives 10 hours away, but that isn't far enough. After her telling me how mean and terrible I am to her this last time, I realize that perhaps she needs to not just end the relationship with that son. But also with me. If she sees me as mean and terrible, regardless of whether it is true. She had been texting or calling me throughout the day to talk. I'm going to miss knowing she is safe, and the good times we have had / could still have had. It's terrible to know you have given up on someone you love. Especially when you know they have a sickness that is causing them to act out. My hope is that if that son was out of the picture she would be safe physically and better emotionally. And if I was out of the picture she would be better emotionally. Her family doesn't believe there is violence, or more to the point chooses to ignore it.

The psychiatrist we saw for family / friendship counselling basically told me "You cannot fix this. She has a different perception of reality. If you remain friends the relationship will bleed you dry emotionally and possibly financially". But I see it as giving up on someone that needs help, even if they won't admit it. Someone who needs a really good friend, which I am. She just doesn't always see it as so.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you Tomacini  

[WoundedBibi]

I wouldn't say that I feel responsible for the ways / times she acts out. But I do wonder why this behavior is just exhibited toward me.

She feels very close to you. The closer you feel the more you are a trigger for the BPD behaviour.

I do of course feel responsible for breaking up with my ex, and finding a drama-free relationship. And essentially giving up on my friend / ex three times now.

Why do you feel solely responsible? A relationship is between 2 people. Two people are responsible. Even if one is mentally ill, she is not a child. She was in this relationship too. It comes across as if you're taking all the blame for everything.

In the past she has admitted to contemplating suicide. Which I reported to her psychologist. The one son that is still somewhat in the picture, is very violent and I believe, based on things she told me, that he beat her up again as late as a month ago when she had gone to visit him (grown and living in a different state). I had received a late night text a month ago saying merely "I am so scared right now!". She told me they had plans for a visit and I knew what the problem had to be. She didn't respond to my calls or texts. I then called her mom, who said she had just talked to her grandson on his cell and he said his mom was "acting up" and that it was her heart (I do know she has had heart problems before). And that he was driving her home. I suspected her son was lying about what was going on and that it really wasn't heart problems. So I urged her mom to keep calling him to check on things since he would answer her calls. I couldn't even sleep because I was powerless to help. I didn't know what route they were taking, where they were, etc. The next day when I was finally able to contact my ex and I could tell what had happened. She later said things that pretty much confirmed my suspicions. I just don't have sufficient proof.

I love her like a sister. I worry about her. Her safety, her happiness, everything. That is part of why I wanted to keep being friends. We did have some very fun times, even as late as a couple weeks ago. It's both of us that have wanted to remain friends.

We all care about people. It's natural to worry about the people you care about. But there is a difference between helping and supporting someone you care for and trying to save them. In saving you take away their own responsibility for their own adult life.

I keep telling her she needs to stop having any contact with that son. I've been telling her that for years. Fortunately he lives 10 hours away, but that isn't far enough. After her telling me how mean and terrible I am to her this last time, I realize that perhaps she needs to not just end the relationship with that son. But also with me. If she sees me as mean and terrible, regardless of whether it is true. She had been texting or calling me throughout the day to talk. I'm going to miss knowing she is safe, and the good times we have had / could still have had. It's terrible to know you have given up on someone you love. Especially when you know they have a sickness that is causing them to act out. My hope is that if that son was out of the picture she would be safe physically and better emotionally. And if I was out of the picture she would be better emotionally. Her family doesn't believe there is violence, or more to the point chooses to ignore it.

The psychiatrist we saw for family / friendship counselling basically told me "You cannot fix this. She has a different perception of reality. If you remain friends the relationship will bleed you dry emotionally and possibly financially". But I see it as giving up on someone that needs help, even if they won't admit it. Someone who needs a really good friend, which I am. She just doesn't always see it as so.

I'm with the psychiatrist on this. You didn't cause the BPD, you can't cure the BPD.

You have given her the best advice, stay away from the son and she won't be beaten up. She chooses to go anyway. That is her choice. It is her life to live. She needs to make choices to better her life. All you could do was give advice. And you have done so. Continuing the friendship will bleed you dry (I don't remember which thread it was but there was a beautiful thread about this about a month ago about someone who got bled dry). You are not responsible for her life or her well being. You're responsible for your life and your well being.

It takes time and effort and pain to adjust and to dig into yourself and why you feel almost more responsible for someone else than for you. But it's a worthwhile journey. You will come out at the other end knowing yourself better and as a stronger person.

I too have let go of my ex. He needs to live his own life. He does not want to know he is ill let alone do anything about it. Part of me will always care for him so I hope some day something will make him seek help but I know it will not be me and to honest I think the chance is small it will happen at all. I don't worry about it anymore though. It is his life not mine. He needs to live it. And I'm no longer going to sacrifice my life for his. If that means I have to give up on him, so be it. Because if I don't care of me, who will? He sure won't.

[FannyB]

It depends how many triggers she has. In some cases there might only be one - the SO who they feel closest to.  With everyone else she may be able to maintain her equilibrium. Bit like us only acting like frightened rabbits when the topic of our BPD exes comes up but otherwise being fully functional in our adult lives! 



Fanny

[WishIKnew82]

You seem like a reasonable person so this is probably not about you but I do like to be careful when responding to this since this is very sensitive to me since my ex boyfriend was saying the exact things that are in some of the reply's to make me go looney. He was claiming that I was the borderline one and that no one else saw it but him and he was manipulating me with that until I didn't even know who I was anymore. I sometimes still doubt everything. He is probably going around using the same arguments some are using here to make me out to be the borderline one so I wish everyone would not go in so fast when it comes to these stories until we know more. We dont know how we affect peoples lives with these comments. My ex would try to get validation from outside sources (his psychologist, parents, websites, online contacts) to go at me for hours and mentally abuse me until I almost lost my sense of self.

The point Im making is. You know how you acted towards her during your relationship. Try to figure out if she is a stable person to other closed loved ones or if she was acting out for other reasons you were not aware of.

I applaud you for asking this question since it shows you really do want to know what is up with her. My ex hated me so he was not able to ask any self reflective questions.