Horrible Dreams?

[HurtinNW]

I've been waking up at 3am every night, often following a bad dream. Last night I had a terrible one and woke up crying. When I have these dreams they are usually him breaking up with me in new and different ways.

I dreamed that my ex had once again broken up with me, and he was telling me why. He was saying one of the things I didn't do was buy him nice gifts, and he began describing a wonderful gift one of his friends had bought him. I began arguing, justifying, and explaining to him: I am a single mom on a budget, I am busy, I have bought him gifts, doesn't he remember? He blew it off, and got angry. His face was so cold. I tried to kiss him and I asked, "then, is it over?" He said yes. He began walking out of the house. My kids were there, and were much younger. They were in the way, and I saw he was going to push through them.

The feelings of horror, pain, hurt and devastation that poured through me during that dream were just like it was happening. I still feel like it happened. I could feel the kiss, his cold lips. I could feel the loss when he left the house.

The most overwhelming feeling was: Yes, it is over. I will never go back to being the person I was for him. I've been crying all morning.

Does anyone else have bad dreams? Do they mean anything in particular? Do you have a way of dealing with them, like journaling?

[WoundedBibi]

I don't remember them now and I haven't written them down but in the beginning I did have horrible dreams. I've always been a dreamer    In both senses of the word. According to me it's just another way to process what has happened to you. Your conscious can't handle all of it, so the subconscious does her bit.

Usually I just thought about it a lot after I had a dream, trying to figure out what it was I needed to process.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you, WoundedBibi, you are such a help. The awful part is the feeling that it actually happened. I'm having the same emotional hangover and despair I do after he would do this to me. It's gut wrenching.

Maybe this is a way I am emotionally purging. Ugh.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin,

Dreams can be awful, but I do believe it is your subconscious processing what you can not quite bear to face when awake and so it's actually a good thing that it allowed you to grieve all morning. I know it doesn't feel at all nice, pain never does, but do an emotional temperature check tomorrow morning to see if the burden you are carrying has reduced in any way or whether you feel any kind of relief as a result. I have found that the sadness I have been carrying has been gradually reducing with each successive breakup. Last year, I was devastated. This year, I'm missing him a bit, feeling vulnerable to recycling but I've not turned into a mad woman.

Love Lifewriter

[HurtinNW]

Thanks Lifewriter. I will definitely check in with myself tomorrow.   

It's funny—the pain I've felt with each successive break up has been less, in the sense that a year or two ago I would have been a complete mess right now. I'm doing much better this time. I think more reality has crept in, and I am not as unhinged with loss and panic.

And yet, at the same time, I am experiencing a far greater sense of grief and loss. It has a horrible finality about it this time which is profound.

So I am doing both better and yet worse.  :'(

[SoMadSoSad]

Do you think they have dreams about us too?

[WoundedBibi]

Do you think they have dreams about us too?

As far as I know most people with a PD suffer from severe insomnia but when they do sleep they have very real unnerving dreams/nightmares.

But why do you want to know? Does it matter it they dream about us? The chances of those dreams being rose tinted and nice are close to 0. Because none of their dreams are and it's not as if they will start a fan club for us any time soon.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin,

I'm not surpised to hear you say that the loss feels more final and profound. I can relate to that. We have both been learning to exercise wisemind and eventually there comes a point where there is no way of going back, of acting with reckless abandon... .if you know what I mean.

I've been reading the book you recommended about the origins of violence and the effects of trauma. After reading about how trauma causes changes in the limbic system such that hypervigilance becomes a way of life, my thoughts about what is possible with my BPDxbf have changed. It has strengthened my resolve and helped me focus upon both good and bad aspects of the relationship, not just the good bits and certainly not just my sense of loss.

It's been a landmark day for you. Unfortunately, we often have to grieve alone to really allow the loss to surface. I wish that wasn't the case, but I'm sending you lots of love. The path forward may be lonely at times, but that doesn't mean that you & I won't get our happy ending... .just not in the place we hoped it would be.

Love

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Hi Hurtin,

I'm not surpised to hear you say that the loss feels more final and profound. I can relate to that. We have both been learning to exercise wisemind and eventually there comes a point where there is no way of going back, of acting with reckless abandon... .if you know what I mean.

I've been reading the book you recommended about the origins of violence and the effects of trauma. After reading about how trauma causes changes in the limbic system such that hypervigilance becomes a way of life, my thoughts about what is possible with my BPDxbf have changed. It has strengthened my resolve and helped me focus upon both good and bad aspects of the relationship, not just the good bits and certainly not just my sense of loss.

It's been a landmark day for you. Unfortunately, we often have to grieve alone to really allow the loss to surface. I wish that wasn't the case, but I'm sending you lots of love. The path forward may be lonely at times, but that doesn't mean that you & I won't get our happy ending... .just not in the place we hoped it would be.

Love

Lifewriter x

How kind of you! Now that I am better understanding the role my PTSD played in this relationship I feel the same (sad) way. I may always have a tendency to hypervigilance and having my amagyla go off at triggers. I'm not suited to do the work some people here are doing with their partners, even if mine didn't run off every time he gets mad. I need a partner who is easy-going, gentle, and not volatile.

Thank you for sending me so much care. It's beautiful out here, and so I am off for a lovely long walk with our dog. I am sending everyone here the best of wishes and warm care, in all of our journeys.

[bdyw8]

Hi HurtinNW - YES, I have these frequently in my just over 3 months of NC now.  In the beginning was the worst.  Like you, my dreams were basically reliving all the worst moments where I was chasing her and begging her to be the sweet caring woman she used to be while she would shut me out, turn off her phone, tell me it was over, threaten me, punish me in other ways, etc.   I woke up just like you, screaming, crying, soaked in sweat.

Over time they have gotten less and less severe.  I think what others have said is true that dreams are our brains' way of processing things.  This past week, I've dreamt about her EVERY NIGHT again and it's been very hard.  Waking up feeling empty, nauseous, alone and hurt.  Wanting to go over to her place and beg her to let me crawl in bed with her and hold each other.   Sigh... .it is frustrating indeed.  I feel like I've taken a step backwards recently.

What I do try to do when this happens is to start taking deep breaths and tell myself that I'm safe and that I'm okay.  I pray and ask God to calm me and to fill me with hope and heal the pain and trauma and let me know that I'm okay and am not as alone as I think.   Usually this helps - not sure if you're religious or spiritual, but sometimes turning to a "higher power" can be of comfort.

Best wishes for more pleasant dreams tonight for both of us!  

[WoundedBibi]

I've been reading the book you recommended about the origins of violence and the effects of trauma. After reading about how trauma causes changes in the limbic system such that hypervigilance becomes a way of life, my thoughts about what is possible with my BPDxbf have changed. It has strengthened my resolve and helped me focus upon both good and bad aspects of the relationship, not just the good bits and certainly not just my sense of loss.

I need a partner who is easy-going, gentle, and not volatile.

Curious about the book, sounds very interesting.

Can I have one of those partners too? I don't want to deal with an aggressive guy again that scares me into feeling like a little girl again.

Time to go to sleep.

[MapleBob]

Do you think they have dreams about us too?

As far as I know most people with a PD suffer from severe insomnia but when they do sleep they have very real unnerving dreams/nightmares.

But why do you want to know? Does it matter it they dream about us? The chances of those dreams being rose tinted and nice are close to 0. Because none of their dreams are and it's not as if they will start a fan club for us any time soon.

Mine had insomnia IF she got emotional before bed. It was, like, to an unbelievable extent where she'd literally have to stay up all night because she COULD NOT fall asleep in that state. I didn't even believe it was true until I saw it for myself.

I've had dreams about her, but I never seem to remember them when I wake up. I just wake up with her on my mind and a vague gross feeling that I've been having tense dreams about arguing with her, or chasing her, or being upset with her.

I know that she had dreams about me too, long after the breakup, but during the time that we were still in contact and trying to be friends. She told me about a pretty intense one that she had, actually, where I basically abandoned her for a bunch of "hot girls" at a pool with a maze in it (?) and that when she tried to confront me about it she kept throwing up and I just stood there and laughed at her. 

[anothercasualty]

Do you think they have dreams about us too?

My ex-gf would have tons of nightmares. She never had "good" dreams. They were all about previous ex's coming after her in horrible ways. She had been divorced from her 1st husband for several years and still would have nightmares about him weekly. She lived in deep fear about many things though.

As for me, I had dreams that I know were my deep mind preparing me for situations. When we first broke up, within a couple of weeks I had a dream where she told me she was dating other people. Lo and behold, a few days later, she told me in real life she was dating other people. It didn't hurt as much since I had already started working through that idea.

[Lifewriter16]

I've been reading the book you recommended about the origins of violence and the effects of trauma. After reading about how trauma causes changes in the limbic system such that hypervigilance becomes a way of life, my thoughts about what is possible with my BPDxbf have changed. It has strengthened my resolve and helped me focus upon both good and bad aspects of the relationship, not just the good bits and certainly not just my sense of loss.

I need a partner who is easy-going, gentle, and not volatile.

Curious about the book, sounds very interesting.

Can I have one of those partners too? I don't want to deal with an aggressive guy again that scares me into feeling like a little girl again.

Time to go to sleep.

The book is: Ghosts from the Nursery: Tracing the Roots of Violence by Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith S Wiley. The book is asking why children become murderers. However, it is still relevant to the development of personality disorders in my opinion. It focuses upon the effects of trauma in the first 33 months of life (including trauma in the womb) not the effects of trauma in adults. It is fascinating but very, very sad reading. I would say that it robbed me of a certain amount of hope too, but perhaps it was false hope anyway. The scientific evidence seems to show that early trauma changes the structure of the brain irreparably, so hypervigilance becomes set within the structure of the brain, even to the point that the individual may not be able to determine the difference between current events and past events when they are adults. That certainly seemed to be the case for my BPDxbf who was heavily traumatised by a violent father before the age of 2 and lived in constant fear as a child.

Love Lifewriter

[WoundedBibi]

I've been reading the book you recommended about the origins of violence and the effects of trauma. After reading about how trauma causes changes in the limbic system such that hypervigilance becomes a way of life, my thoughts about what is possible with my BPDxbf have changed. It has strengthened my resolve and helped me focus upon both good and bad aspects of the relationship, not just the good bits and certainly not just my sense of loss.

I need a partner who is easy-going, gentle, and not volatile.

Curious about the book, sounds very interesting.

Can I have one of those partners too? I don't want to deal with an aggressive guy again that scares me into feeling like a little girl again.

Time to go to sleep.

The book is: Ghosts from the Nursery: Tracing the Roots of Violence by Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith S Wiley. The book is asking why children become murderers. However, it is still relevant to the development of personality disorders in my opinion. It focuses upon the effects of trauma in the first 33 months of life (including trauma in the womb) not the effects of trauma in adults. It is fascinating but very, very sad reading. I would say that it robbed me of a certain amount of hope too, but perhaps it was false hope anyway. The scientific evidence seems to show that early trauma changes the structure of the brain irreparably, so hypervigilance becomes set within the structure of the brain, even to the point that the individual may not be able to determine the difference between current events and past events when they are adults. That certainly seemed to be the case for my BPDxbf who was heavily traumatised by a violent father before the age of 2 and lived in constant fear as a child.

Love Lifewriter

Interesting... But sounds very heavy reading. I've read in several sources pwPDs show a difference in brain structure. Which of course feeds the next discussion: does the difference cause the PD or the PD the difference in brain structure?

I tend to lean toward either the latter.

Especially because other totally unrelated conditions also show a difference in brain structure but after surgery the brain structure actually changes back to normal. For example with obesity and the brain of a former obese person after they've had gastric surgery.

I don't know enough about the childhood of my ex to know what damage was done when. If I would read it, I would read it for me as I'm often hyper vigilant. Although I couldn't kill anything past an insect unless under extreme circumstances (never say never, everyone has a different 'price', whether it being your own life in the balance or those of your kids, or... ).

The mind is such a complex thing... .I already knew the body was, but the complexity of the mind keeps... .boggling my mind...

People shouldn't be surprised when they have a child that isn't 100% healthy, they should be surprised if they have one that is healthy.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi WoundedBibi.

The book is moderately heavy reading, in my opinion. It doesn't address personality disorders per se either, I have been extrapolating from the evidence. As you say, there's still the issue of the chicken and the egg. I suspect that there's a genetic difference in brain structure that is exacerbated by trauma, but the opposite could quite as easily be argued. What is clear to me, is that if the damage occurs in the first 33 months of life, because the brain is making connections and actively losing others during those formative stages of development, the changes in brain structure that are caused are permanent. Whereas if the trauma occurs after that stage, the damage is more amenable to being reversed.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

I found the book interesting and helpful for understanding myself and my ex, though I suspect the authors leaned too heavily on the irreversible part. I think brains are remarkably plastic, as work with stroke victims shows. We can rewire some things. I've seen that with my own kids, adopted from foster care.

What it helped me understand was that while I experienced horrible trauma, I was very lucky to have had a good first two years of life. My mother was in a good place then, had a healthy pregnancy, and I was nursed, held and loved. It was after I was three she had a breakdown, became alcoholic and often psychotic. But I had those early years and that made me very lucky.

My ex, on the other hand, was born last in a large family, and from infancy on was treated like an object by his BPD martyr mother, and subject to rages by his NPD father. He perceives himself as being loved, but it was a cold war love, where his mother treated him with a lot of emotional incest and no true connection, and he saw a lot of domestic violence. He was wired from a newborn, probably even wired in utero, by exposure to trauma.

My ex has created a fantasy of his family and would not be open to hearing this, so I have kept it to myself, but it helps me see how he really doesn't have an idea what honest emotional connection and attachment is like. It fascinates me because I am actually the hyper-vigilant one, with more outward signs of PTSD. He is so out of touch with what he is feeling that if there is hyper-vigilance he interprets it as normal behavior. I am seeing now that his ability to normalize even abuse may be related to how his brain was wired at a young age.

[WoundedBibi]

Really interesting... I didn't have a good start in those first 2-3 years either (and after that it didn't get better although I don't think either of my parents had a full blown PD). And I guess it might have fffd up my wiring too. I guess it makes it harder for me to rewire myself.

But hopefully not impossible.

I'm not giving up 

[HurtinNW]

Really interesting... I didn't have a good start in those first 2-3 years either (and after that it didn't get better although I don't think either of my parents had a full blown PD). And I guess it might have fffd up my wiring too. I guess it makes it harder for me to rewire myself.

But hopefully not impossible.

I'm not giving up 

Have you tried EMDR? I plan to try that.

I think there are a lot of other factors, too, including genetic resiliency. I know as a foster-adoptive parent is is well-known that birth order plays a role. Last born kids tend to have more special needs, perhaps because each successive pregnancy has tapped what the mother's body could provide.

One of my kids experienced extreme prenatal trauma (mom with daily crack cocaine use, daily drinking, was almost miscarried, homeless, smoked, living on the streets), he was born drug addicted, and then experienced abuse and neglect in infancy (left starving in crib for days, passed around to strangers), before being tossed around in foster care (several different placements). By the time I got him he was on the way to a full blown attachment disorder. He raged, was hyper-vigilant and pretty close to feral.

It took two years of intensive attachment therapy, occupational therapy, floor time therapy and me wrapping him in love and structure to see a meaningful change. The work continued throughout his childhood. Today is a very happy, healthy and attached young man. You would never guess his history at all. He is a lovely, kind, authentic person, works full time and got a college scholarship.

So I know it can happen. It takes a lot of work. Oddly enough I think my optimism in this regard worked against me in my relationship. I kept thinking, "we can change this." Interestingly, it is this adult son who encouraged me to end my relationship. His attitude was you can't help someone who doesn't think they need to change.

[patientandclear]

Hurt, your son sounds wonderful and wise, and you sound like an incredible mom. I hope you can take comfort from this: if "it" (what limits your ex's ability to be in intimate relationships) were fixable by you, you are clearly the person who could have pulled that off. I doubt 1% of the partners who post here have skills at that level.

And also ... .The parent-child relationship is different from a relationship of adult partners. The unconditional quality that belongs in the first can be very problematic in the second.

[Lifewriter16]

It's good to hear that hopeful story Hurtin, because my start in life was characterised by maternal deprivation and the book robbed me of hope that things could ever be different for me.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Hurt, your son sounds wonderful and wise, and you sound like an incredible mom. I hope you can take comfort from this: if "it" (what limits your ex's ability to be in intimate relationships) were fixable by you, you are clearly the person who could have pulled that off. I doubt 1% of the partners who post here have skills at that level.

And also ... .The parent-child relationship is different from a relationship of adult partners. The unconditional quality that belongs in the first can be very problematic in the second.

Aww, thank you! One of the critical mistakes I made in this relationship was thinking I could approach it with the same tools or abilities. I wasn't personally affected when my son raged. I knew he wasn't directing it at me. I was able to give him that unconditional love. Those first years I told him over and over again, I am your forever mom.

When my ex took off his mask it felt completely different. I was blindsided by it (though I should have seen the flags) and it wounded me. I never felt wounded by my kids. I could tell where their rage came from. it's much different dealing with a raging four year old and a raging 56 year old. I totally lost all my tools and became a wounded child myself. I think part of it was my children never seemed to be trying to be cruel to me. I was able to wrap them in the love and help they needed, even as they appeared to reject it at times. The sensation was different with my ex. Hard to describe. He wasn't about to let me help him.

You are right that parent-child relationships are fundamentally different. To try and help my ex meant abandoning my own needs and wants. It also didn't work. It backfired and ended up hurting me. I am realizing that I got a lot of identity from helping my kids. It healed me too. I love being their mom. The relationship with my ex was the opposite. It brought back my own traumas.

[HurtinNW]

It's good to hear that hopeful story Hurtin, because my start in life was characterised by maternal deprivation and the book robbed me of hope that things could ever be different for me.

Lifewriter x

Oh, I am sorry I recommended it, then! I didn't mean it to have that effect. I do think the authors weighed too heavy on the idea such damage is permanent. That has not been my experience. I think it can be if the person doesn't get help or rejects help.

I try to remember this: people have experienced horrific trauma since time began. Civil wars, slavery, concentration camps, losing children to illness, you name it. Some were destroyed by it, others have survived and even thrived. We can recover from trauma. I truly believe that. My kids are living testimonies. My ex could be and has chosen not. You and I can chose to heal.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin.

I do believe I can heal, and by that I mean that I can remove the suffering that I am going through as a result of my past. What I doubt is whether I can ever gain a capacity for reciprocal relationship that is sufficient to have a fulfilling relationship. That's the hope that I lost. You see, I have asperger syndrome. It's a developmental disorder that involves deficits in reading emotions in others and in social interaction. I don't think it's trauma based. However, it struck me that having not had any real interaction with my mother (whom I believe also has autism) may have exacerbated the problem. I read a passage in the book that talked about how not hearing spoken language during those formative months could compromise a person's ability to perceive language and I thought about how my mother often said of herself: "I thought talking to babies was stupid like talking to plants". It struck me that the problems that I have in processing auditory information (which aggravates pre-existing problems with reciprocal interaction) could stem from that. It made me sad because the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world, was to be in a loving, affectionate relationship.

Women with asperger syndrome (AS) tend to date men with the same disorder. I fear that neurotypical (NT) men (ie men who don't have AS) just don't get enough emotional stimulation from women with AS for them to be satisfied within those relationships. Which makes me think that the likelihood of a healthy, normal relationship is virtually non-existent. That's why I wanted to hang onto my BPDxbf. I'm not convinced there will ever be anything better for me because of my disability not just because of my neurosis. I feel sorry for myself. Men with AS are more disabled than women with AS, those relationships don't satisfy me. But, I don't think I can satisfy a man who is neurotypical. I don't have the basic emotional repertoire that NT people take for granted.

I'm glad you recommended the book though. It helped me realise that my BPDxbf's hypervigilance is so deep-seated that for change to happen, he's going to have to be very committed. More committed than he apparently is.

Love Lifewriter

[Herodias]

I have been told it's our mind processing as well. I was having nightmares... .then one night I dreamt his gf and her little girl (this was a premonition that came true-they are pregnant and having a girl!) were standing and crying because my ex and she were getting married! He ran off to find me! Mostly I have nightmares about him...

[patientandclear]

Hurt, your son sounds wonderful and wise, and you sound like an incredible mom. I hope you can take comfort from this: if "it" (what limits your ex's ability to be in intimate relationships) were fixable by you, you are clearly the person who could have pulled that off. I doubt 1% of the partners who post here have skills at that level.

And also ... .The parent-child relationship is different from a relationship of adult partners. The unconditional quality that belongs in the first can be very problematic in the second.

Aww, thank you! One of the critical mistakes I made in this relationship was thinking I could approach it with the same tools or abilities. I wasn't personally affected when my son raged. I knew he wasn't directing it at me. I was able to give him that unconditional love. Those first years I told him over and over again, I am your forever mom.

When my ex took off his mask it felt completely different. I was blindsided by it (though I should have seen the flags) and it wounded me. I never felt wounded by my kids. I could tell where their rage came from. it's much different dealing with a raging four year old and a raging 56 year old. I totally lost all my tools and became a wounded child myself. I think part of it was my children never seemed to be trying to be cruel to me. I was able to wrap them in the love and help they needed, even as they appeared to reject it at times. The sensation was different with my ex. Hard to describe. He wasn't about to let me help him.

You are right that parent-child relationships are fundamentally different. To try and help my ex meant abandoning my own needs and wants. It also didn't work. It backfired and ended up hurting me. I am realizing that I got a lot of identity from helping my kids. It healed me too. I love being their mom. The relationship with my ex was the opposite. It brought back my own traumas.

I think it's different in part because your kids are not supposed to take care of you or provide you with emotional security, but that IS a healthy and reasonable expectation of an intimate partner. My ex skillfully cultivated that expectation in me, even. He learned all my sore spots and I assumed he was doing that because he wanted to make me safe. Whatever the reasons (to feel good about himself as someone I would let in, to gain information he could use for his own purposes and security-building), it was NOT in order to make me safe.

With kids too--it is healthy to assure them that you are not going away no matter what. I don't think that is a healthy promise to make another adult in a voluntarily chosen relationship. I do sense that is what my ex is looking for--someone who will not go away no matter what. Accountability is not needed if you find a person like that.

What's hard for me is that I do actually have those not-going-away skills, and so deciding intentionally not to use them to maintain the connection with this man is a hard choice. I would be good at delivering what he wants. It just wouldn't leave us with a r/ship worth having.

[HurtinNW]

Patientandclear:

I'm realizing I have several traits that worked against this relationship:

1) I'm very loyal. Once I make a commitment it is hard to break.

2) I'm actually pretty strong. I bounce back and want to keep trying.

3) I don't like to abandon people.

4) I form strong attachments to others. I am capable of deep love.

5) I'm an optimist. I believe things will get better.

I realize many of these traits can be co-dependent, but I don't think they are bad traits at heart. The problem was in this relationship they ended up working against me. 

My ex also encouraged me to share my inner-most vulnerabilities with him. I told him things about my trauma history no one one knows. At the time it felt like I was being accepted, and supported. But when he started devaluing me that was the information he used in rages and abuse, and that was when my PTSD got severely triggered. I think I began forming a trauma bond with him then. Combined with the above traits, it has been very, very hard for me to not seek him out, to not try and recycle. Detaching from this relationship is proving very painful and difficult for me.

[APB0613]

I have nightmares too. Like last night i dreamt about an incident that took place probably a little over a year ago. He was raging at me i don't even remember why but i had gotten to a point where i was too afraid to respond to anything he was saying bc i didn't want to escalate the situation anymore so i was silent. Well that escalated things further and he tried to smash a glass cup over my right hand. In real life the cup didn't break thank god but in the dream it did! I ended up losing mobility in that hand just like his mom when her boyfriend tried to pull her through a broken window. It was terrifying i cried for the rest of the night. What i took away from it was just how much violence and abuse i had put up with i always just thought more of the verbal abuse and not the physical. I'm so happy that all i walked away from this relationship with was lessened hearing in my right ear from when he snacked me once some nightmares and not brain damage or damage to my hand. Hang in there we'll get through it! I might pick that book up as well.

[HurtinNW]

I've been having more bad dreams. I'm noticing that they seem to go hand in hand with me feeling worse. The more pain I am in, the more bad dreams, the more bad dreams, the more pain. Last night I had a bunch. I woke up four times in the night, each time after another one. In one I was searching for my ex in a house, and couldn't find him. The sense of desolation and loss was tremendous. In most my bad dreams he is raging at me, abusing me, and I am right back in that place of feeling absolute terror and pain.

[APB0613]

Patientandclear:

I'm realizing I have several traits that worked against this relationship:

1) I'm very loyal. Once I make a commitment it is hard to break.

2) I'm actually pretty strong. I bounce back and want to keep trying.

3) I don't like to abandon people.

4) I form strong attachments to others. I am capable of deep love.

5) I'm an optimist. I believe things will get better.

I realize many of these traits can be co-dependent, but I don't think they are bad traits at heart. The problem was in this relationship they ended up working against me. 

My ex also encouraged me to share my inner-most vulnerabilities with him. I told him things about my trauma history no one one knows. At the time it felt like I was being accepted, and supported. But when he started devaluing me that was the information he used in rages and abuse, and that was when my PTSD got severely triggered. I think I began forming a trauma bond with him then. Combined with the above traits, it has been very, very hard for me to not seek him out, to not try and recycle. Detaching from this relationship is proving very painful and difficult for me.

Exact same thing for me!