Need to frame this situation and it keeps changing

[JerryRG]

I was wondering if someone can relate, I am going in circles in my head again about what the last 4 years being with my exBPDgf was about.

I tried to understand her and as some have said and I did early on I was facinated with her dilusuons and then how she would snap back into reality and be so rational that my head would spin.

Even if I did understand her then or now or ever I simply have nothing to grasp onto, it's like trying to hold on to smoke or water, as soon as my mind says "yes that's her and that's why she did this"... .POOF, it's all gone and I start all over again.

As soon as I started talking to her yesterday the illusion begins to try and make itself reality and I'm confused and bewildered, then I feel vulnerable to this ghosty thing I call my exBPDgf, how do I defend myself from something that doesn't even exist?

What world was she from? What demension did she suck my reason and consciousness into?

Why did I become like her? It's like I followed her to differing levels of hell in an attempt to get to her core, only to find there was no core. Just smoke and mirrors behind those wide scary eyes and Cheshire cat grin.u

I do not enjoy texting her and drinking toxic waste.

Another thing is this fake charm she's been expressing the last two days is nauseating, she acts like she suddenly grew a heart... .No Way in the World she's changed... .No Way don't ever fall for it

[Fateful]

Someone close to me told me they read something interesting about this. I was treating the ex like an onion: you think you can peel away the layers to get to an amazing, genuine core. The truth, though, is that these people are scrambled eggs.

[JerryRG]

Lol fateful!

Yes yes

Another thing I stuggle with is the guilt and somehow feeling defeated that I somehow failed to rescue her, wasn't that impossible so why should I allow her pathetic life make me feel like I failed her? Wasn't the game rigged for failure before I started?

No one can save her, change her, love her into a healthy state of mind.

Same thing with my parents, hopeless to change them as well.

The clincher for me was when I was in a serious car accident when I was 15, best friend died a horrible death, I wasn't suppose to live, the driver of the car was not seriously injured.

My doc comes into my room day after day shaking his head in disbelief and says "I've never seen anyone injured so badly and not only survive but come through with no perminent disibility"

I leave the hospital and go back home and my father gets drunk and my mother fights back, and I then realize my worth.

I faced death and yet my parents didn't bat an eye, if I would have died I would have been buried and forgotten and they would have just carried on as if nothing had happened.

And i spent my whole life consoling them from the time I was a small child, and I never gave up until they were both dead.

Am I a bad person because I care?

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate to your situation. My stbx of almost 18 years has been out of the house since the beginning of March. I was pretty much NC with him for almost a month. He moved back to the area and has been seeing the kids pretty regularly on the weekends. It drives me crazy at times because he has been so helpful. He doesn't live with us any more but is now doing all of the little things around that house that I have been asking him to do for years. Things aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but him being decent really messes with my mind. Logically speaking, I know that I can't ever let him back in. I know his patterns. He sucks me back in with his niceness. I relent. Things are okay for a while and then they gradually start declining all over again. Somehow, I usually end up feeling like the decline is all my fault.

At some point, I think it helps to stop trying to figure them out. I am trying to focus on ME and MY behavior rather than trying to figure him out. There have been things about stbx that I thought I had a grasp of only to have him change his story or say that he wanted something else. I was led to believe that I wasn't being patient enough. I hadn't given him enough time to address anything. I was being demanding. The list goes on. I have to remind myself that it has been 18 years. I don't know how much more patient I could have been. Trying to figure them out is like trying to divide by zero.