"The Sound of Silence" - Theme Song for my uBPD Sister

[Naughty Nibbler]

It has been several months since I posted.  The drama continues with my uBPD sister and every attempt at progress with my deceased parent's trust/estate is painful.  I currently have LC with my sister and I'm making every effort to limit communication with her to via certified US mail only.

MY THEME SONG: When I heard the song, "The Sound of Silence", by Disturbed on the radio recently.  I had to buy it.  Unlike the original version by Simon and Garfunkel, it is packed with a high level of emotion. It starts slow and picks up a lot of steam.  I guess some of us have our favorite rendition of a song or a specific song that somehow tugs at our emotions and serves as a venting tool.  I put the song on an ipod and listen to it frequently.  I think of it as my "theme song" for my situation.

SITUATION:

BACKGROUND:  I walked softly around my sister for a number of years (something was off with her)  Our interactions mostly involved family events.  I felt sorry for my sister’s lack of money and usually gave her expensive gifts for birthdays, Christmas (i.e. Computer, Big Screen TV, etc.).

The wheels really fell off the bus when our parent’s health began to fail.  That opened up a chapter in my life where my sister and I needed to interact as a team:  openly discuss, actively listen, reach consensus, compromise, etc. (the wish list)  We needed to deal with some of the most important life decisions then:  End of life care, medical decisions, financial planning, death, funerals and then trust and estate matters.  These situations are trying in the best of circumstances.  It was a time when a supportive sister was essential.  "No" sister would have been 10,000% better than what I got with my sister.

CURRENT ISSUES: My latest round with my uBPD sister started in August of 2015, a couple of weeks before escrow closed on our deceased parent’s home. She was a "B"_ _ _ _ on Wheels the last 2 weeks of escrow.  She had a rage event, 2 days after escrow and the conflict continues.

She has been relentless about getting exactly half of the escrow proceeds before the accounting is done.  Laughably, she has paid a lawyer to write demand letters for half of the money (without conclusion of trust bills, taxes, etc.). I guess lawyers will write demand letters (for a fee), whether they make logical sense or not – just trying to rule by intimidation.

We could have concluded 90% of trust business by now, made a 3rd distribution of funds and be down the home stretch - with a very few unresolved business issues/bills. My sister can't realize that she is the source of the problem (s).  I'm sure her lawyer is missing essential information (boy will he be surprised if she has him represent her with a court action that she has mentioned).  I know that I've been painted black to her church friends and probably anyone else she can get to listen.

GRIEF PROCESS; I thought I should have progressed further in my grief process (Father DOD 10-1-14 & mom DOD 2-5-15).  Then, I realized that I'm processing the situation with my sister as a 3rd death.  I'm now thinking that I won't be able to fully process my grief regarding my sister, until the trust business is finished and I have no requirement to interact with her.  I pulled away from reading the boards, thinking I might be wallowing in my situation instead of moving on. I seemed to be doing a good job of moving on, for the most part.  I was focusing on meditation, weight-loss and fitness and was doing well.  The "on switch" was fully engaged (healthy diet, controlled eating, circuit training, 30 miles of weekly walking), but now the switch has moved in the opposite direction and the "off switch" is on and I'm slipping down the slope.  My struggle with "all or nothing" is almost fully in the nothing stage.  I guess I'm not ready to stop wallowing and still need to be in a "tool gathering" mode and gain better understanding.

I think that my current consternation is with my sister's last stupid position on trust matters and stewing over my pending reply.  I've written several replies in my  mind, most of which I probably should be thankful that I never wrote out and sent.

MISTAKES I AVOIDED BY DRAGGING MY FEET AND COMING BACK TO THE BOARDS:

1.  Sending a letter with too much information. The letter I'm about to write has taken several versions in my head.

2.  Telling my uBPD very religious sister that she has a problem.  I almost took an approach of listing various unresolved trust/estate situations and then asking, "what would a court judge say" (since she broached the subject of taking things to court), "What would your Paster say".  Then there could have been the untimate "What would God say".

3. Sending my sister a transcript of an analysis of "Good Anger" versus "Sinful Anger".  It had several Bible verse quotations and had a very common sense explaination of each type of anger.  But I'm learning that it is senseless to try and even imagine that my sister could ever see herself in the "Sinful Anger".  I'm struggle with understanding how she can supposedly spend so much time going to church, participating in Bible studies and do the things she does.

MY CURRENT PLAN – NEXT LETTER TO uBPD SIS

I saw a recommendation in a post about BIFF and then another one on High Conflict People.  I bought two Kindle books yesterday – one for each topic.  So, my plan is to look over the books and use the tactics to write my sister a Brief letter.

I will send her the check one more time, ask for her reconsideration and signature, to pay me for my out-of-pocket trust expenses  (CPA, Appraisal + a list of other.)

I will inform her that I have filed an extension for the 2015 Trust Income Tax Return.  Since she refused to pay me for the CPA fees, the DOD Appraisal on our parent’s home and other costs, I have NOT shared the appraisal with the CPA, and hence the tax returns have not been prepared .

I will give her a due date.  She will be informed that if I don't receive the check back with a signature within 30 days (both of our signatures are required on all checks), I will proceed with processing paperwork to identified her as the responsible person for the taxes.  (and remove me)

I will inform her that she should take some time to carefully consider her options.  If she plans to go through with her threat to take thing before a judge, she really needs to consider the cost and the down side for her.  I would go representing myself.  If I'm summoned to go, it will be with piles of documentation. I would do everything in my power to get her removed as co-trustee, so I can go on and conclude trust business without her and then do a final distribution and an accounting.  Should I not be able to accomplish removing her involvement in trust business, by having her declared unfit to be a co-trustee, then I would push for her to go for a mental evaluation and/or counseling. 

Unfortunately, I think my sister is crazy enough to initiate court action.  It will take longer to get another trust distribution and personally cost her money.  At this point, I would thereafter sue her back for any court fees, since I'm not paying for her demand letters and unnecessary court actions.

I don't anticipate that I will ever have a relationship with my sister.  If I did, she would have to participate in family counseling.  She needs personal counseling, but refuses to go (nothing wrong with her, by her estimation).  I guess at some point I need to make a statement to her that we can never have a relationship without family counseling.  Perhaps it will be in a final letter to her, after the trust business is concluded.

I guess my purpose in writing this is to vent and examine why I've headed down the slippery slope with my progress.  I feel a little like I'm in rerun mode right now, but got to do what you got to do to make it back up the hill and then over the hill.  Thought I was close to the top, but I'm pulling myself back up for the 2nd time.

[Turkish]

First, good song recommendation. I'm going to look for the Disturbed version tomorrow  

Second, I'd hesitate towards signaling anything legally. Keep that close. As frustrating as it may be, she sounds Disturbed enough that court may not go well for her. We've seen it with members' pwBPDs. It's not your job to rescue her from herself.

Tat being said, she is your sister, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with what might be a permanent fracture of that relationship.

[wantyousafe]

Hi;

love Simon and Garfunkel but in darker days I go for R.E.M; Losing my Religion 

A lot of the background you describe chimes with me and the sister I suspect is BPD; when my mom had a massive stroke and in the years thereafter, my other two sisters and I co-operated re visiting, things that needed doing etc. and BPD sister did nothing and visited when she felt like it... i.e. rarely!

Had no problem re wills because the UK govt takes most of your money to pay for the nursing home which my mom needed. would suggest that you communicate dispassionately using the bare facts, although you could maybe emphasise the fact that by protesting,she's going to cost herself a lot more

My BPD sister is the christian one in our family but she doesn't seem to act towards other people as Jesus would! and she has also bad-mouthed her "partner" to everyone where he lives, which makes me cringe.

I would not make any suggestions about how a christian should behave if I was you, your sister probably has no concept of irony and believes that she is always the victim.I would also suggest that you ignore what she is saying to other people... if they are that shallow and un-intuitive, that's their problem!

Please look after yourself; you are entitled to a good life.I've come to terms with the fact that I can't change my sister and she is really not someone that I would have anything to do with if she wasn't my sister.I totally understand what you say about grief; having lost my mom and dad under fairly sad circumstances,in some ways my biggest grief has been losing my three sisters (schizophrenia,BPD (?) and having to cope with a severely disabled husband) because they are still alive but no longer there for me and Ihave to keep any communication alive.

I guess we've just got to accept the situation and cherish the people who are there for us... including ourselves.take care.

[Pilpel]

I'm struggle with understanding how she can supposedly spend so much time going to church, participating in Bible studies and do the things she does.

My BPD SIL is also very religious.  When I first met her, I wondered how she could treat people the way she does and not be convicted by ":)o unto others."  But eventually I realized that just like everything that gets twisted around in her mind, "do unto others" is also twisted in her mind.  She can call me big when I'm pregnant and not even showing.  But she goes into full on righteous rage when a man called her big when she was pregnant and full on showing. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

This must be very trying for you dealing with a BPD on top of your deceased parent's trust/estate. That’s a tough one. But if it’s any consolation you seam remarkably in touch with the issues at hand. Also love your avitar and username.

Following on from Pilpel  the religion one also bothers me, in that my BPD mom used the Bible to bash us around (physically and mentally) but I noticed if no one was around to admire her church going, she didn’t bother. Also once I’d studied I realised her quotes were all wrong. She didn’t know the Bible. But if someone with PD believes themselves above all other people, why would they believe in something above them ?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Thanks so much to everyone for their response.  I really appreciate the input!


TURKISH:

Hope you enjoy Disturbed's version of "Sound of Silence".   I picked up a 2nd song for my "Venting Playlist", S.O.B., by Nathaniel Rateliffe and The Night Sweats.  My understanding is that the song was written as a joke (although based on a real substance abuse issue) .  I previewed it, liked the catchy beat.  Oops, not my style of language, but the catchy beat grabbed me and I couldn't let go.  It joined "Sound of Silence" on my Venting Playlist, .

PILPEL:

I guess the religious aspect just falls into line with the lack of sense/logic with so much of what BPD's do.  It is almost as if the ":)o Unto Others" logic converts into ":)o Unto Others Before They Do Unto You".

Guess I need to keep reading posts.  After I see many others with similar circumstances, I see that the disorder has a documented theme.  Some things you can read in a book, but reading the real time posts helps the learning process.

HAPPYCHAPPY:

The religious background is a tough one.  Logically, I used to think that people should treat their family better than strangers.  Seems that isn't the case with BPD's.  Oddly, my sister shares a trait I have seen others mention.  The BPD gets deeply involved in trying to help someone who is a substance abuser, has other mental problems, etc.  She once stated, she likes to help people who others won't tolerate (people that are so obnoxious, that other church members won't get involved with them).  This related to her connection with a "very odd man" that goes to her church and then another situation with someone else where she wanted to be "their savior". 

It is perflexing how she could accept the bazzar behavior of an obnoxious very broken person, but go out of her way to invent things to get angry at me about.   I guess the common theme of a BPD is that you can't expect their behavior to make

WantYouSafe:

"Losing my Religion" is probably a good song to add to my playlist, .  So sorry about your series of losses.  Having a severely disabled husband has to be tough by itself, without everything else added in. Good thoughts and prayers your way. 

[Pilpel]

Some things you can read in a book, but reading the real time posts helps the learning process.

This has been very true for me, too.  I came to this board several years ago after I found the Stop Walking on Eggshells book.  It was a revelation to discover that BPD was a thing, and that there were many people who were having similar experiences as me.