Just Discovered Mom's BPD, Should I tell Dad?

[selfhelper]

Hello,

I've recently discovered that my mother and at least one of my four sisters may be suffering from BPD. These discoveries came after a recent split by my mom, which was triggered by the sister who said my husband was disrespecting her (which he was not). She told my husband that he was lazy, a mooch, and a bad parent, in not so many words. This has come after years of telling him he is a god amongst men, in not so many words.

I saw the hurt he suffered, and saw similarities to what I went through in childhood. I was constantly being ganged up on, and no one would ever listen to my side. My mother presents very well. People comment that she's "the nicest person they've ever met" and "so full of joy" which is why I think this has gone undetected for so long.

In realizing this, I've worked through a lot of hurt, and I still want a relationship with my mom. I'm wondering if I should tell my dad, who doesn't have BPD but I know he's suffered. He's kind of compulsive himself, and I'm worried he'll say something to her that he shouldn't.

Thanks for reading and opinions are greatly appreciated.

[Starting_Over]

No, that is triangular communication. It is unhealthy to talk negatively behind family members backs. Plus you would most likely unintentionally damage you relationship with at least your dad. My mom refused to talk negatively about my dad after I went no contact with him, but she would call him a narcissist when she felt I was part of the toxic family unit. It is like once you are out of the fog your family will create new toxic boundaries.

Most importantly, if you mom is BPD than saying that about her will likely get a volition reaction.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there selfhelper,

I just wanted to extend you a warm: Welcome!

I am not so good at offering guidance on how to handle disclosing to family members, others likely will chime in to guide you better.  However, it is very tricky to do so and can often backfire, so you are wise to stay of calm mind in your decision process to determine a best course.  By the way, you do sound to be in a good state of clarity and insight, good for you!

For my situation, my mom was 'the powerful pwBPD matriarch' of all the extended family.  The dynamic of dysfunction ran very deep and tangled.  From a family systems dynamic, the way things function, well, ... .unfortunately is the way things function.  For me to disclose that I feel mom has BPD would cause such an imbalance to the whole system, that it would be easier to regain 'stable' roles again, by simply painting me black and removing me from the picture. In order for the family to honestly face mom's dysfunction, they would also have to face their contribution in the entangled dynamic.  

In my family, BPD was not the only PD, there were also NPD and likely ASPD involved.  So some situations of disclosing can trigger a negative domino affect, however, others here have seem to found great relief and healing in disclosing, which it sounds like you are hoping/searching for.

I hear what you are saying about your mother being the nicest person in appearances, sometimes this can complicate our situations and our own coping.  It can be mentally confusing to have such closet experiences with a person who is admired but not really known the way we know them.  :)o you find the fact of this difference affecting you?

There are different approaches different members have taken, from not disclosing at all; to disclosing only in terms of discussing behaviors and symptoms; to discussing full diagnositic terms.

How about we learn a bit more to help better, can you tell us a little more about what is going on?

Why do you feel some in the family may benefit from the info of BPD label?  What drawback or consequences do you see?  As in how will some react?

If it did get back to your mom that you feel she has BPD, how would this affect your relationship with her?  (Some would get painted black for a long time)

Just generally share whatever dynamics are at play that you feel are important and how people already view things.

Do people already think mom is BPD or disordered? Or they see her as eccentric, just 'the way she is,' etc, more 'normal' for them?

I am glad you found this site, it is a great place for learning, understanding and healing!

[selfhelper]

Thanks for the replies so far.

To Sunflower re: family dynamics.

I am one of five sisters. The youngest three (including the suspected BPD sister) are very close. These three would band together, go to my mom, and you know the story. There is a four year gap in age between my older sister and me, so it's hard to know where she stands.

I can't be sure any of sisters would believe me if I told them. I don't know which of them has BPD or have just absorbed the traits.  I think my dad has suspected something was wrong in the past.

To people outside of my family, my mom is a saint, so kind and generous. I think it's harmed my in-laws because they may feel threatened by her. I was thinking of telling them as well.

I live right down the street from my parents with my husband and two young children, so it's essential I handle this delicately.

[Sunfl0wer]

It sounds like if either your mom or any sister hears the "BPD" label, you are likely to get a repeat of being ganged up on?  (I would trust the dynamic that you are familiar with as the one that is likely)

If this is the case, then it seems wise that whoever you do decide to share with, is very trustworthy and has great boundaries and will not attempt to triangulate you, as starting_over mentions as a huge valid concern.  Or, you may just decide the only safe discussion is about symptoms to trusted members and not labels.  Or you may discuss symptoms as a way to test waters to see how it is received.  Or another route, a more safe one, is simply discuss in terms of you, your boundary work and such without mentioning at all the other person.

(Sorry, it is hard for me to discern so far, possibly some other members are better, or maybe as we hear more of your story it is easier, hence all the questions)

What work have you done so far?  How have dynamics shifted as a result of your self work, if any?

Have you read around here regarding boundaries and such?

Having good boundaries and tools in place are of utmost importance whether you share or not, and often take many years of continued work.

What are your husbands thoughts about your family?

What exactly helped you conclude BPD?  (A therapist? A friend? Reading?)

[selfhelper]

In response to Sunflowers questions:

"It sounds like if either your mom or any sister hears the "BPD" label, you are likely to get a repeat of being ganged up on?"

Yes. They will mostly likely think I am the "crazy one," as I've been cast as in the past.

"What work have you done so far?  How have dynamics shifted as a result of your self work, if any?"

Lots in a very short amount of time. I've gotten past hurt and anger. I understand I need to set boundaries and personal limits. Mom has become very attached to my oldest son, who is two. I plan to limit their time together without keeping them apart completely.

"What are your husbands thoughts about your family?"

He's known, on some level, from the beginning that something wasn't right. Like me, he couldn't put his finger on it. And they're all so nice, so how could anything be wrong, right? Once I started to put the pieces together, he totally agreed with me.

"What exactly helped you conclude BPD?"

Noticing something wasn't right and doing research on the internet.   

I'd like to note that my relationship with my dad has been severely damaged because of all this. I want to work on repairing that.

[Sunfl0wer]

My gut says/IMOone of many other possibilities)

You just discovering BPD is fairly new, even though the drama and dynamics of your family are very familiar to you.

When we realize a label for what we have been experiencing for all these years, it feels so enlightening, so freeing, something we may want to scream from the rooftops for everyone else to see the wonderful light with us!  (Ok, maybe not that beautiful or extreme though)

Yet, our reality and what we are living with really hasn't changed too much, simply our perspective and understanding has.

There is likely a reason that you may be the first in the family to stumble upon this information and understanding.  Likely, you are able to 'hear' and 'accept' it more than the others?

My sense is that it may be a good idea to keep this info to yourself another four more weeks at least.  In the meantime, keep posting!  While I realize this is your first thread and you are summarizing things nicely, please do not think this thread is the end of this issue and all the understanding to receive about it.  I think you may need to repeat the same info again and again in separate threads to deal with the smaller components of your situation.

When I first came here, I posted the general stuff in my original thread and did not want to bother anyone with details already 'covered' in previous threads.  I am SOO glad a member said to KEEP POSTING and invited me to do so.  I needed to hear this to learn how to get the most out of my time here.

Anyway, I will pause from posting atm so hopefully others will post and not see a high post count thinking you have received a variety of replies.

Maybe it is possible to work on repairing you relationship with your dad first, use the tools, practice on that relationship first?  Maybe instead of using labels that could return to mom, talk about things in terms of behaviors and your boundaries?

[selfhelper]

Thank you for taking so much time with me today, Sunflower. I think you're right about waiting to talk to my dad until things sink in a little longer, if ever.

And I will keep posting and working on this!

[Notwendy]

I can share my experience with this. I think I was searching for ages trying to figure out my mother. Like yours, she was beautiful, charming, and yet our family life revolved around her volatile moods. A hallmark of our family was secrecy- the adults didn't mention a word about her behaviors or mental health history.

When I discovered BPD it was as if a light had been turned on in the dark, but the diagnosis was just the beginning of a lot more that I needed to learn. Being naive, I was outspoken and faced backlash from my parents and my mother's FOO.

I didn't understand my father's part in this. I thought he was her victim. However, the two of them were a connected pair, so connected that saying anything that was perceived as negative about my mother would result in him "defending" her. It was odd as he could say something negative, but if I said it, he would get angry at me. An explanation of this is the drama triangle. This is a pattern that dysfunctional families adopt. Saying something about your mother to your father could put you in persecutor role, your mother as victim and your father may step in as rescuer.

When one family member has a disorder, the entire family can adopt dysfunctional behaviors in relationship to that.  These behaviors are ways the family seems to stay as functional as possible. If a family member changes their part, the whole family feels unbalanced. They can react by trying to pull the family member back in, or possibly by casting them out.

Although I did not do some things as well as I wish I did, if I had known more about BPD and family dynamics, I did do something that I think is right. I looked for a personal counselor with experience with BPD. I realized that being raised in my FOO had to have had some influence on me- even though I don't have it. I do have co-dependency traits. It also helped me to have the support of the T when my family reacted from my changing behaviors- gaining boundaries and being less enabling.

IMHO, if I could go back in time, I would have focused more on the changes I needed to make than speaking/reacting to family members. As to your dad, he probably already knows, and chooses not to discuss it. His relationship with your mother is longer than yours. Chances are, he's been told by others as well. Being that I was on the triangle too, I thought perhaps I might "rescue" my father by shedding light on our family. That in itself was co-dependent behavior- assuming he didn't know. But he had been in a relationship with my mother for decades, was a smart man, had access to the internet and knew her better than anyone. He had to have known.

[selfhelper]

Notwendy, thanks for sharing your story. I can totally see my dad going into the 'rescuer' mode.

To your point about him already knowing, I said earlier that he suspected something was wrong in the past. I say this because he sought counseling. So, yes, it is totally possible he knows. He has a really good way of dealing with my mom too. He says and does what he wants and doesn't care of she freaks on him. Maybe one day I can be like that too. 

[isshebpd]

I found out about BPD in a weird way. One day, my uBPDmom started talking about how her deceased older sister had this disorder. I had no idea what BPD was so I started reading about it. While uBPDmom's sister did have a lot of problems, like alcoholism and drug abuse, from my distant memories I had my doubts she was BPD. But Mom, on the other hand, was ticking most of the boxes for signs and symptoms   .

So I found this place and went to a Therapist. It didn't take long for the T to tell me my Mom sounded BPD (I hadn't mentioned it). My mind was such a whirl of confusion that I felt needed to talk to someone I grew up with. I guess needed to be validated for stuff that went on, especially in my teens. Many months later I did talk to the one member of my FOO who appeared to be outside the FOG, my sister.

I don't regret talking to her. She's three years younger so we grew up under the similar circumstances. She was actually far ahead of me in recognizing our FOO dysfunction. While I was still in deep in the FOG, she had long ago created her boundaries. Maybe daughters of disordered mothers can realize it earlier than sons, I don't know. We were never particularly close, but I think this created a new understanding about each other's experiences growing up in such a dysfunctional family.

I have only vaguely discussed uBPDmom's condition with enDad, but I have let him know I won't be treated as a scapegoat anymore. He scapegoated me, too. I think he always knew about uBPDmom's mental health problems, which makes me kind of bitter towards him. But I am treated better now.

[unicorn2014]

Hi. I've been looking at your topic for days and finally decided to reply.

I say no. Nothing good can come from you telling your dad in my opinion. Of course I think it would be best to tell a professional and see what they say.

My mother split my ex husband white when in reality he was a substance abusing mentally ill nightmare.

My father sometimes complains about my mother, she's the borderline, but mostly he protects her. There's nothing I can do about that.

I also recommend a program of recovery for adult children of dysfunctional families. These wounds go very deep.