Down :( I thought I had made progress...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

Intro: After a relationship of almost 3 years and a marriage of 1 year, last october I couldn't hold on any longer and I broke up with my BPD wife. All the insults, the lies, painting me black, the pulling and pushing... .I was broken down and I had to protect myself. For those interested in reading my whole story, check out this topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287599.0

On topic: It has been 6 months since the break-up now. I also had some therapy and I felt like I was really recovering well. Started thinking less about her and enjoying my days more and more. I even had a few dates with girls, some went well, others not, but it was OK.

Now I feel down and warped back miles in my progress. First: Work is really tough now (lots of pressure). Second: I just got friendzoned by a girl that I really liked, like I started to have somewhat of a crush on her. Now that is gone too. Third: I heard at the gym that people saw my ex-wife again, partying with her new boy, enjoying life.

I went to the gym, had a good work-out, but now I can only cry really. I feel terrible and I'm also having thoughts of hatred again, towards my ex-wife. Thoughts that I thought I had moved past... .but now they're back  I also feel very alone. Yes, I have friends I can call and a supportive family... .but I feel very lonely.

I don't really have a question, except if you can give me any advice, good words, that may help me. Thank you.

[Musicmaker1]

Hi everyone,

Intro: After a relationship of almost 3 years and a marriage of 1 year, last october I couldn't hold on any longer and I broke up with my BPD wife. All the insults, the lies, painting me black, the pulling and pushing... .I was broken down and I had to protect myself. For those interested in reading my whole story, check out this topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287599.0

On topic: It has been 6 months since the break-up now. I also had some therapy and I felt like I was really recovering well. Started thinking less about her and enjoying my days more and more. I even had a few dates with girls, some went well, others not, but it was OK.

Now I feel down and warped back miles in my progress. First: Work is really tough now (lots of pressure). Second: I just got friendzoned by a girl that I really liked, like I started to have somewhat of a crush on her. Now that is gone too. Third: I heard at the gym that people saw my ex-wife again, partying with her new boy, enjoying life.

I went to the gym, had a good work-out, but now I can only cry really. I feel terrible and I'm also having thoughts of hatred again, towards my ex-wife. Thoughts that I thought I had moved past... .but now they're back  I also feel very alone. Yes, I have friends I can call and a supportive family... .but I feel very lonely.

I don't really have a question, except if you can give me any advice, good words, that may help me. Thank you.

[WoundedBibi]

No good words here. But can I join you in your hate & anger corner for a bit? I've been thrown back all of a sudden too. Completely different circumstances, same result.

Maybe we can celebrate international sucky day today 


Urgent note to administrators: we need more emoticons. A party one. One hanging it's head in despair. One in a bed would make me feel at home. And someone said something yesterday I think about one with a hand palm, I guess a "doh!" emoji.

[bdyw8]

Hey man, sorry to hear how you're feeling.   You're not alone!   I was with my exBPD for 4 years and am at about 3.5 months NC right now and I go through phases like that as well.   I've been dreaming about my ex EVERY NIGHT for over a week right now and it has been discouraging.

Grief is a process from what I'm learning and sometimes there are what appear to be regressions, but really it's part of the moving-on process and you shouldn't see it as back sliding.

I think these relationships with pwBPD are so highly emotional that we will carry them around forever.  They will slowly lose their power over time, but I think they will always be there.

I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and I went through the same with getting clean and sober.  I know am in a good place in my recovery and am no longer tempted to drink or use, but I still have dreams about it, I still have the very occasional but brief fantasy, but they don't have power and control over me anymore.

I think recovering from a BPD relationship is very similar.  We can have fantasies (flash backs) or relive the trauma and bring up the old hurts, but that doesn't mean we went backwards.  I bet if you looked back at the first month or two, you're doing WAY better now and even when you have what we would call a "setback", I'll bet we both bounce back from them quicker and they last less time... .

Feeling the loss with that girl you were interested in probably triggered the abandonment or loss feelings you were still dealing with.  Perhaps if you recognize those feelings are about more than your exBPD then you can make the feelings about your own grieving rather than your exBPD and wanting to be back with her, or with someone else to fill the void.    

Keep going to the gym, keep working out, keep doing what you're doing!

Stay strong!  

[WoundedBibi]

I've read your thread, quite a roller coaster...

As bdyw8 said the girl you liked triggered you. Maybe you can examine what's underneath that. And healing is not a linear process so going 'back' a few steps all goes with the territory. You've been strong in the past you can overcome this.

[Musicmaker1]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I guess that the girl I liked turning me down could have triggered something inside of me. I'm not really sure what's underneath it though... .

Thanks for all the kind words too, helps hearing them. I guess I'm better now than 3-4 months ago, but I really hate falling back again after making good progress.

[HarleypsychRN]

The thing that I have to remind myself daily is: not matter how I feel today... .I'm better off without her. She is toxic! Once the idealization phase was over, she did noting but systematically dismantle me.  NC also means not inquiring about her at the gym (as hard as that might be).

Hang in there, focus on positive thoughts rather than negative ones... .man it's hard... .they are our drug.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown