well...here i go

[soulrising]

This is my first time putting this out in the open. So i might ramble a bit. My wife was raped by her cousin when she was 5 years old. The cousin had made a threat that had been passed on by other relatives to her mother. The mother chose not to act on the information and my wife was raped. Both of her parents are children of alcoholics. The mother is a Narc. Last July I found a text on my wifes phone... .she was having an affair. She wanted to go to counselling to try to work it out. She has been diagnosed with Complex PTSD with Narc, BPD as far as I know. I know that she lies to me on a regular basis and has manipulated me emotionally in the past. She has also slept with a supervisor at work in order to get a promotion. I don't want to come off as bashing my wife. She has been in therapy for 7 months. She is trying. I just don't know how to feel right now. I feel like i'm being used. I feel like I have been living with a ghost for the last 20 years.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi soulrising and

its a step toward improvement to share your struggles with others and receive support. and no doubt, this situation is very painful for you with the discovery of the affair, it must be very challenging for you.

the good news is that your wife is wife has been diagnosed, is willing to seek help, and has been getting it. have you seen improvement? it can be a long process.

how about you? have you considered seeing a therapist to share these struggles with? do you have friends and family you can lean on?

im glad you joined us, soulrising. we are here to support you every step of the way  .

[waverider]

I feel like I have been living with a ghost for the last 20 years.

You haven't been living with a ghost, just been interacting in different languages and values. As you roll back the filters you will start to see that this has affected most aspects of your life which you gradually acclimatized to without realizing. It can be a shock to the system.

You may have to learn to view your wife in a different light and try to avoid the instinct to judge good & bad based on your existing values. Try to reevaluate rather than condemn

Start here:

Understanding your partners behaviors