Have any of you gone through a NASTY divorce with your BPD?

[michel71]

HI all. I would like to know your stories. I need to prepare myself for the good, the bad and the ugly. I am about to file for divorce. I want to come out of this as unscathed as possible but I know I am in for quite a ride.

Hopefully some of you will share your moments of "coming out the other side" and the relief you felt when it was finally over.

Thanks!

[Dutched]

Numerous stories can be found on the legal section and your topic might get better a response over there.


As much my experiences are of some help as it most likely will be not an ‘average’ divorce .

# absolutely separate emotions from business! Love is emotion, divorce is law!

# watch your back for that stbex!

# You know your ex, feelings = facts… so use it in your advantage

# a BPD will try to act behind your back, prepare and stay prepared

However that might be easy. Yes, because of their dissociative way of thinking. Remember it is a very, very emotional process for a BPD (as for us, but really more for them!). In such a mental state they stay predictable(!), use that.

# prepare: document and document. Make copies or hold originals of ALL important papers; mortgage, insurances, inheritances, wages, bank statements, etc.

# open a 2nd bank account, just in case of

# change all your passwords.

# safeguard your belongings, specially those of great (family) value.

# evidence only is needed in court, see to that to back up any claims. Your lawyer is there for the strategy!

# “educate” him/her that it will NOT be a normal case! That is important as lawyers in general tent to “handle just another similar case” another plain straight forward divorce.

# have a really good talk with your lawyer and make very clear it is not an average case!

# keep in control, keep your mind sharp, question his advices, strategy!

# let the stbex shoot the ball, but be aware you have your FACTS right. She mailed you? So save/print/copy whatever can be of use! Make notes, mentioning dates/ times and (if any) witnesses!

# she will try to hurt you on your most sensitive spot. You know which it is, so be prepared => think outside that box to safeguard your belongings/interests…

In my case she concentrated on only 4 points of which she thought would hurt me. We played sitting duck until…

She had 2 yr to prepare the split of the belongings, she finally failed as her descriptions were considered by court to be “to vague to split”( “a cooking pan” in the kitchen…=> which one the court asked?)

However, she didn’t forgot to claim pieces that are in my family for a 3-4 generations… to hurt me.

She failed with that too, it was legally already secured which she knew, but dissociative tried…

But, she didn’t claim any of her family items (!)/ a tea set which was “holy” to her since her youth / her musical instruments /  important papers as diplomas(!)/ labour/pension contracts

She in fact claimed real minor old items, like a toaster, plastic storage boxes.

So I left torturing my brain of what to do with those alleged emotional/important belongings. I wrote a letter in which I offered all and to react within 2 weeks.  No response at all!   

My S19 wasn’t interested in keeping them as a reminder “for later”, so I destroyed it.

She left with a few boxes and some clothes.

A 3 decades before, she came with a few boxes and some clothes as she left her parents in a same emotional outburst…   

[Teereese]

I am at the tail end of divorcing stbxhBPD and it has been a rollercoaster.

There has been a lot of crazy making from his side. I expected it to be contentious but he brought it to new levels of insanity. It has been physically, emotionally and financially draining. I had moments that I thought I would break down, moments that I wanted to just give up. Those moments passed and I came out stronger. I had a lot more strength than I thought I had.

I just keep looking toward the end, the final court date when I can be free of him.

Dutched hit a lot of points.

[LilMe]

You must read Bill Eddy's book Splitting.  It is all about high conflict divorce from a PD.  It is also important to have a good lawyer who understands PDs and high conflict divorce.  I was unprepared and had a crappy lawyer for my 1st divorce and lost everything, including my children.

Excellent advice from Dutched!  Document, document, document!  The PD will make all kinds of insane accusations, but judges want to see proof, evidence, documentation.  Always stay calm and unemotional.  You must appear to be the sane one.  Sadly it will likely be one of the worst periods of your life   but you must stay strong until the end!

Best wishes and keep us posted on how it is going!

[Flutterby32]

I am in the middle of a divorce from someone who is not diagnosed BPD, but who I suspect might be, or something similar.

Her first response after I broke the news to her was a pretty straightforward "please do not leave me."

Then she tried the "don't waste money on a lawyer, we could do this ourselves and save money." I know that all that would have gotten me would have been endless stalling, particularly of the "now is not a good time" variety.

I was initially willing to communicate directly by email or snail mail but not anything verbal or in person.

She sent me a text saying something like "I release you to your mom, since you never left her in the first place." this was an ongoing issue in our relationship, she did not like my family and particularly did not like my mom. She stopped seeing them about 15 years ago, but would still occasionally make snide remarks about them and my relationship with them, such as the one I just quoted. I dealt with this crap for 20 plus years, I am not dealing with it anymore, so I have gone completely no contact.

And then she tried to spin me wanting no contact as me being "sneaky" or "up to something." No, I am not "up to anything" except not wanting to deal with her snide remarks anymore!

She has lawyered up herself, and we will see what happens. She attends school in a different state from where I work and where we both lived together before she started school. If not for that geographical distance, I am not sure I could have made the break.

[Sluggo]

GREAT comments so far. 

1.  I thought I had a good lawyer, but at the initial hearing I got bulled because my lawyer did not realize how bad things were. I should have done a much better job in reiterating the craziness that I had lived through and allowed to participate

2.  My wife has hit me where it hurts with the kids. I have little visitation rights,  but my new lawyer is getting those back.

3.  Every night I use a audio diary to document what I did each day whether with the kids or without the kids. That has been an invaluable Resource as it only takes a few minutes to do but when the lawyer has asked for information I can go back to that very easily and recount the the details. 

4.  I feel much better being away but very sad about the absence of the kids. There have been many many nights of sheer agony

5.  Going back to Old friendships and family relationships that I severed in my marriage to prove my  love to wife has been very helpful for me. They have reminded me who I was before I got married. 

6.  Getting back to doing things that I stop doing in order to show my wife that I could devote all my time to her to show her love. 

I am only three months into the start of the process of the divorce where my marriage lasted 18 years