Extricating myself

[Shifting sands]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with a man who I now believe has traits of BPD (Jekyll and Hyde, controlling, jealous, empty inside, very defensive, loves me/hates me has abandonment issues).  It's been a very painful road with disagreements followed by his silence and continual attempts to blame me for everything that's 'wrong' in the relationship.  I think we have finally come to the end of this 7 year relationship but I am left very split between wanting the lovely man who is so kind and loving and fearing the man who is angry and hostile.  This seeming 'split' within myself feels very tough and I wanted to get some support from others who are extricating themselves from a relationship like this. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Allranuthin]

Hello Shifting  Sands,

Welcome.  I surely hope it helps to learn you are not alone in this turmoil.  The support and empathy I have found here is comforting.   I found the BPD family in Jan when my relationship of 8 years ended abruptly and painfully with a fit of rage, car packing never to see her again after that moment.  The rage was due to her projecting all her internal awful feelings onto me and blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life... .which is far from true reality.   What I have come to realize here is that, despite my heartfelt intentions to be helpful when she struggles with emotional dysregulation and triggers, I was indeed adding fuel to the fire with my own lack of understanding about what it is like for her.  Read here about validating, JADE ing, and other BPD symptoms and communication issues.

My questions are, are you two separated?  Do you want to reconnect and try to improve things?  As it was put to me early on here... .to make things better we have to stop making things worse... .even when our intentions are in the right place.  The BPDs reality is fueled by the way they FEEL in any given moment.  For non  BPDs reality is very different, and when we try to share this reality logically, based on truth and facts... .they feel invalidated and things escalate.   So it has been three months for me learning these skills, but she will not contact me or talk to me.  So if you want this and have the chance now, it might help to get some information about what YOU can do to help your connection.   

Best wishes and peace to you.

[livednlearned]

Hi Shifting Sands,

I wanted to join Allranuthin in welcoming you 

Splitting is tough, and being on the receiving end of an abusive blamefest and/or silent treatment is not easy.

How do you interact with him when he blames you for everything? It's common for those of us in BPD relationships to lose sight of our boundaries, to think that appeasing will make things better.

Do you two live together? Sorry to pepper you with questions. Every relationship is unique, and we can help you better if we know a little about your goals, your values, what kind of current living conditions you have.

Hang in there. You're not alone 

LnL

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shifting sands, Welcome!  Your mixed feelings are quite normal and typical, I would say, for anyone who has been in a r/s with a person w/BPD.  You are not alone, believe me.  We get it.  The best place to start is usually with caring for yourself, something that is often neglected in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Return the focus to yourself; be good to yourself.  What is the right path for you?  Only you know when it's time to get off the BPD roller coaster.

LuckyJim