Strange Email - What to Do?

[cleotokos]

For some background, I believe my mother to be uBPD, and have been on this site a few years back due to traumatic life events to help me work my way through the realization that something was very wrong about my mother, and what it may be. Things there are much improved.

Fairly recently, the last year or two, I've come to the realization that my stepmother might be n or BPD as well. Due to the same life events mentioned above a few years back, I came to the conclusion that I could not possibly have any sort of functional relationship with her. These events were basically the last straw in our relationship, which had always been strained, to put it mildly.

For the last 4 years (since the sh*t hit the fan), she and I have had very little contact. Maybe 2 times a year she will text or email me, always asking for a favour. Considering the state of our relationship, I consider it wildly inappropriate for her to ask me to do favours for her. I haven't said this to her. I've tried not responding, and then she involves my dad in the situation to find out why I'm not responding. I've said to him (when he asks if I got her email/text and why I didn't answer) that I want no kind of relationship with her, which I have said to her also on multiple occasions. She claims that this is new information, and that I've been "dishonest" by telling this to my dad and not her (when I have told her more than once), and that I'm talking about her to my dad. So my new tactic the most recent time my dad followed up on her text to me was to tell him that she knows to address any questions she has directly to me. To which she told me that I was involving my dad in her and my issues, and declaring that I had told him exactly why I didn't respond to her text, and how I felt about her - absolutely not. I simply said "she knows to address any issues she has with me" and that was all. We didn't discuss the content of her text, the fact that she lied to him about it (told him she was offering a favour when she was actually asking for one from me), or anything else about her, whether I wanted to talk about her, or how I felt about her.

Last time I heard from her was a very rude "invitation" to Christmas where it was made clear that I wasn't really wanted there, but they needed someone to help prepare dinner for their guests. Also I was to bring my niece to see them. They've had no contact with my niece for 4 years other than when I've occasionally brought her to see my dad, they make absolutely no effort to have her in their lives. To the point where I've felt like I'm forcing a relationship on my dad that I'm not sure he even wants. I mean I do believe HE wants it, but my stepmother does not want him to have any relationships unless they are with someone she has a good degree of control over. It seems to me like he just gives up and decides not to care about people if she's going to give him a hard time about it. And if that is his decision, I respect that. But it made me feel like I was being used and I basically said I can't be the one to foster a relationship between them anymore - if they want to see her they should speak with her other grandparents (who she lives with). From what I've seen over the last 4 years I don't really even want her around my stepmother, because she's going to get hurt. But that's not my decision.

So yesterday I received an email from her, asking primarily to provide a ride for her daughter on two days this summer. She is visiting from out of town. I actually laughed out loud at the audacity. She is making plans with her daughter and thinks of me, because I'm the only person she knows with a car. Her daughter has a baby and is GC, so of course - let's ask the slave child to chauffeur her around! She definitely views me as having very low status in the family. Now, I have a great relationship with my stepsister so that's not the issue at all. It's just so ridiculous because we live in a city with plenty of transit, one of the best transit systems in the world. There's no reason she can't take transit, baby or no. Stepmother also suggested I take 2 days off work to chauffeur for these "day trips" into downtown. I mean, ludicrous much? Considering how things were left the last time she and I spoke, I can't even wrap my brain around why she thinks it's ok or appropriate to ask me for this. It's almost a bizarre fixation that she has on getting favours from others - as if she can't understand human relationships beyond trading favours. And she often tries to spin it as if she's doing YOU a favour by letting you do her a favour. To be honest at one point in my life I would say yes to just about anything she asked, hoping that she would like me and see I was a good person. Until I realized that would never happen.

Near the end of the email, she started talking about including me and she's open to a "new start" between us - the only way this can work (in her mind) is if nothing is ever discussed and everything is glossed over. We are just to pretend problems don't exist and hurtful things and lies were never said. I've done this many times with her, hit the "reset" button, and to me it's well past the point where that might work. It never did work, except perhaps for her - she never has to apologize or own up to the things she says. She also says "to make things easier, if you don't respond I will take that as you declining the invitation". Well, that is progress - I suppose this means she doesn't intend to drag my dad in if I don't respond? I pointed out to her last time that it was not me who dragged him in.

My dilemma is, do I respond? I have told her numerous times not to contact me unless it's to do with my dad's health. So it is up to me to reinforce that boundary. Our last interaction ended with me stating that again. HOWEVER, it does seem like some of the things I said to her last time have actually sunk in. I mean she made some effort to make me feel like my presence was actually desired as more than just a chauffeur... .? So I feel like there is a chance of improving the situation if I maybe explain to her that I don't like being contacted for favours... .I don't know. I just wish that we could be cordial in social situations (I'm happy to say hello and be polite, but she's not unless things are going to be the way she wants - makes family gatherings pretty awkward). I can be polite to someone without needing to have a relationship with them. I don't even know why she wants a relationship with me since she believes I harbour great animosity towards her and frequently talk about my dislike of her with my dad - he and I really do have more interesting things to talk about than her but she simply does not believe that is possible.

[Pilpel]

Considering how things were left the last time she and I spoke, I can't even wrap my brain around why she thinks it's ok or appropriate to ask me for this. It's almost a bizarre fixation that she has on getting favours from others - as if she can't understand human relationships beyond trading favours. And she often tries to spin it as if she's doing YOU a favour by letting you do her a favour.

Wow, this is exactly what I experience with my BPD sil.  She frequently leaves me feeling used.  Like she only sees me for my usefulness to her, not that she likes me for who I am.  I've told her this a few times.  I tried to help out with their wedding, which ended up in a big argument and her accusing me of all sorts of stuff.  After backing off, my brother asked me to help out --which I've always thought was at her urging.  Many years later, we revisited this period of time.  I told her that I felt used after helping out in the wedding.  She never once expressed that she felt sorry that I felt used.  Instead she spun it that she felt she was doing me a favor by allowing me to help.  It still frustrates me when I think of this.  But at this point, it's also comical. 

My SIL also wanted to mend bridges with me after we moved out of state.  I have to give her some credit for wanting to. But her way of doing it was basically to want to convict me of all the ways I've wronged her so that I can apologize and she can bestow her forgiveness upon me.     Ultimately, I felt like her efforts to restore our relationship was all about keeping me in a position of usefulness to her. 

Anyhow, should you respond or not?  In the situation you describe with your step mom, I'm guessing that not responding is probably better.  But you need to weight it out.  What is the best or worst outcome if you do respond?  What is the most realistic outcome if you respond? 

[cleotokos]

Considering how things were left the last time she and I spoke, I can't even wrap my brain around why she thinks it's ok or appropriate to ask me for this. It's almost a bizarre fixation that she has on getting favours from others - as if she can't understand human relationships beyond trading favours. And she often tries to spin it as if she's doing YOU a favour by letting you do her a favour.

Wow, this is exactly what I experience with my BPD sil.  She frequently leaves me feeling used.  Like she only sees me for my usefulness to her, not that she likes me for who I am.  I've told her this a few times.  I tried to help out with their wedding, which ended up in a big argument and her accusing me of all sorts of stuff.  After backing off, my brother asked me to help out --which I've always thought was at her urging.  Many years later, we revisited this period of time.  I told her that I felt used after helping out in the wedding.  She never once expressed that she felt sorry that I felt used.  Instead she spun it that she felt she was doing me a favor by allowing me to help.  It still frustrates me when I think of this.  But at this point, it's also comical. 

My SIL also wanted to mend bridges with me after we moved out of state.  I have to give her some credit for wanting to. But her way of doing it was basically to want to convict me of all the ways I've wronged her so that I can apologize and she can bestow her forgiveness upon me.     Ultimately, I felt like her efforts to restore our relationship was all about keeping me in a position of usefulness to her. 

Anyhow, should you respond or not?  In the situation you describe with your step mom, I'm guessing that not responding is probably better.  But you need to weight it out.  What is the best or worst outcome if you do respond?  What is the most realistic outcome if you respond? 

Pilpel, this sounds exactly like how my stepmother operates. Out of the blue I would hear from my dad "stepmother is waiting for an apology from you" for some wrong I had no clue I had done. I never responded to her when he would say this and eventually told my dad I didn't want to hear that kind of thing anymore. She seems to collect these "wrongs" and wants me to view her as gracious for allowing me to be in her presence - and allowing me to "help out" as if I'm just waiting over here dying to do her favours. I can't understand the thinking. I always feel used when I interact with her. She also comes up with wild accusations that I've said this or that about her, and declares that my dad told her so. I asked him about it one time only (because I'm well aware she's just trying to put a wedge in my relationship with him) and he sighed, seemed exasperated and said "I told her you DON'T say anything about her". I got the feeling it's a conversation he's had with her several times. I don't know her well enough to know if she has BPD, and she is very different from my uBPD mother so I don't know what's wrong, but something is. Very interesting that your BPD SIL is so similar.

I think not answering is probably the right way to go. I'm sorry that things have gotten as bad as they have (I'm no longer included in family gatherings) but I don't see how it can be fixed. The only option is for me to pretend she hasn't lied about me and said nasty things to me. If I refuse to do her favours she believes it's because I just hate her guts so much, and the drama starts, she imagines I'm talking to my dad about how much I hate her, etc. So I don't see a way to navigate an arms-length kind of relationship because she always wants more. I'm confused as to why though as she seems not to like or respect me much and believes that I hate her with a passion. As you said it seems to be all about keeping me in a position of usefulness - that and feeling like she has control over me. I'm at the point where her emails like this don't anger me or hurt me anymore. I think seeing a spark of change lit some small hope in me but I really should know better.

[Naughty Nibbler]

If you are serious about step mom NOT contacting you by email (unless about your dad's health), then you need to hold firm.  If you answer the email, your boundary won't be taken seriously.  You will be back at square one.  I'd probably hold my position, not answer it and let them use available transportation.  Asking someone to take off work to provide transportation for a leisure activity is asking a lot, even for someone that you really like.

 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  Others probably have more sage advice. I'm rather new to BPD and I'm on a learning curve.  Like you, I've recognized that I don't want to continue with a pattern of sweeping unpleasant interactions under the rug, not talking about the issues and just trying to pick up as if nothing ever happened.  I'm beginning to understand that I'm not ever likely to go to family counseling with my sister (says she doesn't need it) or talk over any issues, like normal people do.

 

I have the choice to set boundaries, modify how I react and limit contact.  Hell will probably freeze over before my religious BPD sister opens up to discuss her behavior,  be sorry for any of her behavior or take any responsibility with any intent to modify any of her behavior.

I've given some thought about the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result".  So, I had to accept the fact that I can't change my sister and I don't expect to have a rational conversation with her about why I have very LC with her.  Should she ever indicate that she is open to counseling and wants to talk through the issues, I'm open to that.  Until then, she is out of my life, except for legal trust matters.

Best wishes.

[cleotokos]

I've given some thought about the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". 

YES! This is the conclusion I came to with her 4 years ago. I realized things were NOT going to change. Like you, I believe hell will sooner freeze over than she admit that she has been wrong, about literally ANYTHING.

Like you, I've recognized that I don't want to continue with a pattern of sweeping unpleasant interactions under the rug, not talking about the issues and just trying to pick up as if nothing ever happened.  I'm beginning to understand that I'm not ever likely to go to family counseling with my sister (says she doesn't need it) or talk over any issues, like normal people do.

I didn't even realize this was not normal, until well into adulthood. One day it dawned on me that I didn't have to live this way anymore. So I said my piece to her on a few occasions. It did not go well to put it lightly. There's a quote I love, often misattributed to Dr. Suess: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Normally if you tell someone they've hurt you, they show some concern and want to discuss, even if they don't think they were wrong. It's not normal to deny, deflect, go into martyr mode, try to paint you as overly emotional, a liar, crazy etc.

You are right that I need to reinforce that boundary. I suppose seeing her intend to respect it in some small way (she's still emailing, but it seems she doesn't intend to involve my dad if she doesn't get the desired result) got me all excited. For a second I thought, hallelujah, she CAN learn! But even if she did respect me in all the ways I desire, she's still not a person I would like much of a relationship with at this point. I suppose I should take it for all it is - she's showing inclination towards respecting my boundary more than she has in the past.

[Pilpel]

She also comes up with wild accusations that I've said this or that about her, and declares that my dad told her so. I asked him about it one time only (because I'm well aware she's just trying to put a wedge in my relationship with him) and he sighed, seemed exasperated and said "I told her you DON'T say anything about her". I got the feeling it's a conversation he's had with her several times. I don't know her well enough to know if she has BPD, and she is very different from my uBPD mother so I don't know what's wrong, but something is. Very interesting that your BPD SIL is so similar.

It is very interesting.  What you describe about her trying to get your dad involved is also something my SIL has done -- early on in their marriage, my brother told her about conversations that I had with him, and over time they got twisted around into I'm the enemy trying to break up their great love and my brother (knight in shining armor that everyone reveres) stands by her side.  She claims that he approved of her crazy accusation emails.  I forwarded what she wrote to him, and asked him through email if it was true, and he never responded.  So it's left me with some uncertainty about him. I've wondered if he did read her emails before she sent them, but didn't realize until later how bad those emails actually made him look.

I'm interested in the comparison/contrast you made between your mother and step mother.  So your mother you are sure is BPD, but your step mother has different narcissistic behaviors that are similar to my SIL?  In what ways are your mom and step mom different in their odd behaviors?  I'm pretty sure that my SIL has a personality disorder.  But when I read discriptions of various personality disorders, she seems to fall under a few different categories.  But I found one category she fall under pretty strongly.  Her mother once described her as obsessive compulsive, which I always think of as excessive hand washing or flicking lights.  But I looked up OC Personality disorder, and it describes her very well.  She can be rediculously miserly, extremely inflexible, everything has to be done a certain way, and she has strict rules about how things she be to the point of ruining the fun of an event.  The description is down toward the bottom:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder   

On top of that there is the stuff we're uses to read about here on the boards: narcissism, lack of empathy, easily resentful, and wearing her resentment on her sleeve. 

[cleotokos]

Pilpel, I believe my mother probably has BPD or C-PTSD. If you've read "Understanding the Borderline Mother", she vaccillates between the waif and the hermit. She is always everybody's victim, going whichever way the wind blows and constantly feeling others betray her as if she's some small child who requires care from others. She often refuses to make her own decisions so that she can later complain about how others have made the wrong decision for her. She had some features of the queen, not allowing us to have opinions differing from hers, crossing all kinds of boundaries. My mother has always been very emotional and unstable seeming, reacting to nearly everything as if it is a criticism and attack of her. She can easily misinterpret an innocuous comment as being a criticism of her, and can go off into emotional screaming fits about it - though this happens a lot less since she's reached her 50's/60's. I feel like she's learned to cope with the world a lot better than she used to.

In contrast my stepmother is very controlled, manipulative. She's more the type to try and provoke an emotional attack from others, so she can paint them as crazy. In fact she did this to my mother when she and my father first got together. I never believed it because my mother has always been irrational and overly emotional - my stepmother knows very well how to keep her hands clean. She engaged my father to support her smear campaigns against my mother, and being a fisherman type, he went along with it. All my life I would roll my eyes when my mother would talk about this (she still gets extremely emotional about it over 30 years later), thinking she was exaggerating and probably imagined most of it. In recent years I've seen my stepmother for who she really is - extremely insecure, jealous, manipulative. I now see she was playing my mother like a fiddle. It's really not hard to get my mother to flip out and make herself look crazy. I stumbled on a blog written by the child of a narccisistic mother a few years back (www.narcissistschild.blogspot.ca/) and think that my stepmother may be a covert narcissist. So much of what she's written matches so well. She's very concerned with outward appearances - she goes to a lot of lengths to hide her true nature from those outside the immediate family, whereas my mother seems fairly unconscious of how she comes across to others.

It is very interesting.  What you describe about her trying to get your dad involved is also something my SIL has done -- early on in their marriage, my brother told her about conversations that I had with him, and over time they got twisted around into I'm the enemy trying to break up their great love and my brother (knight in shining armor that everyone reveres) stands by her side.  She claims that he approved of her crazy accusation emails.  I forwarded what she wrote to him, and asked him through email if it was true, and he never responded.  So it's left me with some uncertainty about him. I've wondered if he did read her emails before she sent them, but didn't realize until later how bad those emails actually made him look. 

You could be talking about my stepmother and my father here. My stepmother is fixated on the idea that I must want my father to leave her. I'm pretty sure this is projection, as she's always tried to interfere with his and my relationship and likes to force situations where he has to choose between us. He always chooses her and it's been like that since I was 4 - I don't expect anything else from him and honestly it doesn't bother me. I know it affected my self esteem greatly when I was younger but I wasn't even really conscious of the situation and how it affected me. As an adult I've learned to accept things as they are. I know that he's in an abusive relationship and I understand what kind of personality he has and why he does what he does. I've never suggested to him that I think his relationship is not healthy, or that I think he shouldn't be in it, or anything of the kind. She is convinced that is all I talk about with him. He had a stroke last year and unfortunately he's more vulnerable and needs her care more than ever - what a great position of power she now has over him. When he was in the hospital she was daily asking me to run around and pick up this and that - I did it because it was for HIM. She thought I was doing it for her, and when she found out my feelings about having a relationship with her hadn't changed, the ___ hit the fan. There were some less-than-nice email exchanges, and she actually started gloating about how he'd told her he never wanted to be without her and loves her so much etc. etc. It was very bizarre. I don't care one iota about their relationship - it's his business and if he would like to be with her, that is his choice. I do draw a line when he tries to make me feel like I have to also have a relationship with her though - occasionally he tries to do that - only since the stroke though. He used to be very understanding of why I didn't want to be around her but he's done a complete 180. I chalk it up to him depending on her a lot these days.

Like you, I did once send an email to him of things she'd written me and didn't get a response. I'm not sure if he even read it. I asked him if he thinks it's ok that she says these things to me. Her email was just so over the top, wailing about how I'd tarnished her relationship with my niece and tried to take away her nice memories about it (though they've made no effort to see her in 4 years, and stepmother has actually done things to remove her from their lives). It was a full on narcissistic tantrum. My dad doesn't WANT to know the truth. He doesn't want to know about the inconsistencies. He doesn't want to be faced with her lies because then he would have to feel bad. He might have to choose someone other than her. I think he's afraid to be alone. Especially in his current condition. I think he's comfortable with her brand of crazy, because at least she's predictable - things are always 100% about her and what she wants. I wonder if your brother is the same - he doesn't want to face the situation as it really is? It can be daunting to go up against someone like this, especially if there are children involved. Some people are ok with sticking their head in the sand and letting others fight around them.

Interesting about the obsessive compulsive personality disorder - I know it can be a feature of narcissism to be a "clean freak" or be obsessive about everything in its place and a place for everything, that kind of thing. It ties into having control. Have you read much about covert narcissism? They are a bit different than the overt narcissist. Just that there's so much common ground between your SIL and my stepmother, and covert narcissism rang so many bells for me.

[Pilpel]

Cleotokos, Something has to be said about your father's tastes in women!  I can't imagine what it was like for you to live among them.  But it sounds like you've grown and learned a lot through all of this.  I would have never imagined my brother to be attracted to a woman like this.  He's one of the most introverted people I know.  And he's very smart and takes a lot of pride in not showing a lot of emotion.  So when he got engaged to a woman with the emotional skills of a 3 year old, it was like Spock going through Pon Farr.  But I quickly came to terms with the fact that if he hadn't met her, he would have most likely ended up with someone else with a personality disorder.

BTW, I'm not familiar with the Fisherman type you mention.

Even though your earlier descriptions of your step mom sounds like my SIL.  In your last descriptions, my SIL actually sounds like she has a lot in common with your BPD mom.  Mainly because your step mom's level of manipulation sounds more high level and calculating and your mom's seems more primitive and reactionary.  While I would say my SIL tries to project an image of being proper, sweet and demure.  It's a pretty thin front.  If someone were just getting to know her, it wouldn't take long for them to realize something is a little weird about her.  And after that it wouldn't take long to see the witch side.  She bullies and uses FOG.  And there is nothing subtle about it.  She doesn't know how to keep her hands clean, as you say about your step mom. 

I've always wondered what it would be like if my BPD SIL had to interact with someone else who is BPD.

[cleotokos]

The Fisherman tends to go with the Witch borderline - if my stepmother is BPD, she's surely a Witch 

Witch -- Fisherman --> someone "she can dominate and control," a "subservient partner who admires her courage and who relinquishes his will at her command"

Descriptions of the rest are here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111504.0;all

My father is also introverted, intelligent and keeps his emotions on an even keel. From the tales he tells his mother was very similar to both these women (though she's always been nothing but sweet to me) so it's not surprising he has a type.

It does get confusing as a lot of the traits between BPD and Narcissism overlap. I never did think my stepmother might be BPD since she is so very different from my mother, but recently I've been wondering. There are low-functioning and high-functioning borderlines with different degrees of self-awareness so it can be very hard for laymen like us to tell.

[Pilpel]

Okay.  I looked up the partner types.  I hadn't seen these before. 

The specific BPD woman marries a specific BPD man: hermit with a huntsman (protector), queen seeks a king (attracts attention and is a narcissist), witch seeks a fisherman (is dominated and controlled), and the waif marries a frog-prince (rescuer).

I think my brother started off thinking he was the rescuer.  As an example, when I first met her, she told me about how previous boyfriends deeply wounded her because they dropped completely out of sight and left town, rather than breaking up with her face to face. She doesn't frame these experiences in terms of "what did I do to cause more than one boyfriend to leave town?"  Instead, it's a wound that her new boyfriend better not repeat.  My brother had no dating experience before then, and he had very old fashioned ideals when it came to dating --he wanted a woman to "court."  So I think he fell in line pretty easily.  For several years, he served her like a doting husband.  And I know of situations where he acted as her flying monkey.  But it's been over 10 years now.  And she now occasionally calls my parents to complain that my brother isn't doing her bidding.  So I think he's starting to stand up to her --at least in his own way. 

[cleotokos]

I think my dad imagines himself as my stepmother's rescuer as well. She tells him tall stories of how she was abused terribly as a child, which he sees as justification for absolutely anything she says or does. I don't believe her stories at all to be honest. She always comes out with a new one after she's behaved poorly.

That certainly is a common thread - telling tales of how they have been done wrong, hurt and abused by others. My mother does it as well, but I think she actually believes she was abused, whereas my stepmother I believe fabricates complete lies. Most people would feel badly for them, and I can see why some men would want to show her what "real" love is and that she won't be rejected and hurt again. Unfortunately for people unfamiliar with disordered personalities, this may not ring the alarm bells that it should.

It might be slow for your brother, and he may never really stand up to her as the cost might be too high. It may be that she just tires of him one day and finds someone else shiny and new. I wish you the best of luck.

[katydid27]

A lot of what you wrote resonated with my.  My BPD dad likes to "make jobs" for me and acts like he's doing me a favor because he's picked ME to be the "honored one" to do extra chores.

In the recent past you asked her to come directly to you with her stuff and not go through dad. She is doing that one. She came direct.

You have asked her to only contact you about Dad healthy.  That's the one she's not doing. She is making a request that you sign up to drive your step-sister and her baby around on their visit.

You could keep your response super simple and point out the obvious:

"No, thank you. I am not available.

In future, only contact me about Dad's health stuff. This is not Dad health. This is you and Stepsister visit stuff.

While I hope you guys have fun, I am not participating in this." and then check out.

Mission done as far as you are concerned. You have reaffirmed the boundary about when to contact you.  And you leave them to sort transport out on their own. 

Sometimes you just have to play the broken record, YKWIM?

Or, since she writes she will take no response as a "No, thanks" -- just don't respond.

It's up to you.

Katydid

[cleotokos]

Hi Katydid, thanks for your reply. I still haven't decided whether to respond or not, but if I do, I really like your idea of reinforcing the boundary and reminding her that this is not to do with my dad's health. I think maybe she thinks that when I ask her not to contact me, I'm doing so in anger and don't really mean it - though I've made it clear on several occasions over a period of years that this is the only circumstance under which I want to interact with her. I can't think why else she keeps contacting me like this.

Just to clarify, the whole thing about "contact me directly" is because she will contact me with a request such as this, and if she doesn't get a response, she will drag my dad into it. Or, I would hear from my dad that she was expecting an apology for some unknown slight. So the idea was if she has a "problem" with me, she needs to address it directly with me rather than asking my dad to get involved. The both of them complain about him "being put in the middle" but refuse to acknowledge WHO puts him in the middle.

Isn't it interesting that your dad does the same thing with favours - I can't get inside their heads on this one. My stepmother is intensely self-absorbed so I think that's a large part of it. But I can't figure why they think it should make others feel good to be repeatedly asked to do things for them - sometimes things that are really a lot to ask. She does seem to be baffled as to why I don't want to "help", regardless of how nastily she's spoken to me the last time we talked.