Feeling like a shell of my former self, wearily performing for GF with BPD.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been with my current girlfriend for several years. Good times and bad, with the bad being horrendous and the good being pretty swell. The vast VAST majority of that time period has been long distance because of the fallout from the bad times, but we've made it work reasonably well, I think, all in all.

With that said, she'll be on summer break from college from May through August without a place to live and it's been so long (years) since we've been physically together that she's bussing from halfway across the country to be with me. Sounds great right? But I'll be getting my degree the same time she comes down and already have a 40+ hour/wk job that I love. I'm also moving in with a good friend as a roommate at around the same time. I have no clue how they'll interact and how he would handle the roller coaster or how she will handle coming all the way just to be sitting at my place either alone or with a stranger for the majority of her waking hours. She can get very restless, and makes agitated impulsive decisions when it's too much which is not infrequent.

On top of that, most of our interactions via text/facebook/skype/phone for the past months have been either purely surface level cordial catching up or her venting in extremely agitated states. A couple small fights about how nothing I say has any effect when trying to point her in the direction of methods to improve things she's struggling with, have rational meaningful conversations, or how me not saying anything is equally as bad. One or more of those general formats, with attached habitual declarations of eternal love and undying commitment and excitement/anxiety about being together again soon.

I feel like since we (forcably by circumstance) went our separate ways, my life has turned around and gotten so much better. I've stopped substance abuse, which to be fair, was never her thing, though our relationship seemed to bring out my addictive proclivities. I've gotten a degree I love, a job I love, a nice place and great friends and I feel genuinely hopeful and positive. She seems like the same exact person I knew before no matter how I try to help her help herself. She expresses the attitude that she is who she is as though there's no room for growth, no problem with her behavior, no reason or possibility for change. I don't like feeling like she should change, but this is a person I love and had hoped to personally grow and evolve alongside, not just grow old with.

Either everything external is a catastrophe, in which case I do my best to offer comfort and empathy and validation, or her expression then turns to a blissful idealism of how our relationship is the eternal last bastion of perfect sanity and was meant to be, exactly as it was and will ever be. But of course, even amidst those declarations which have been happening since the early days of our relationship, there's repeated tearful statements of how she fears/"knows" that something will go wrong and she'll screw something up or that I'll see her for "who she really is" and "wake up" and leave her. My expressions of long-term vision and intense affection and such have tapered off slightly as of late and these kinds of abandonment fears have risen in correlation. I know it's likely not intentional but it feels like if I don't keep up the act in spite of I my doubts, she'll just fall apart. And I feel for her fear, as it wasn't until this relationship that I really developed a sense of self-worth (now independent of her love, but I'm still grateful). I'll admit I probably fed the idealistic promising side of the equation for the reason I just mentioned; nothing sounded better at the time.

I feel like she showed me how to be a better person and I integrated it. But now that I realize my own worth, I don't want to feel trapped, hushed into silence or endlessly comforting for fear of backlash. I'm a naturally undramatic guy and while I feel for her for many reasons, the umpteenth blowup over things that can't be changed and don't matter that much really chips away at my ability to empathize. But that may be bearable if communication could be open and effective, which it isn't.

The living situation makes me extremely hesitant to even bring up the potential of backing out of our arrangement. Especially with her having a history of self-harm. I honestly have no clue what to do and if I don't reach out to somebody who understands, here, I fear that my actions could result in her hurting herself forever or bringing her down here and creating untold misery for all three people (SO, roommate, myself). How can I proceed? With either course of action?

I honestly feel like I don't want this relationship anymore but I don't see a way out. How can I ruin this person? How can I even know what she'll do? I don't want to sacrifice my lifetime happiness and potential to become her ineffective stability/self-worth bandaid.

Thank you for all you do, as from what I've read on these boards already I see there's a diverse and compassionate community who speak from the heart of their personal experiences.

[Worrier123]

I've been with my current girlfriend for several years. Good times and bad, with the bad being horrendous and the good being pretty swell. The vast VAST majority of that time period has been long distance because of the fallout from the bad times, but we've made it work reasonably well, I think, all in all.

With that said, she'll be on summer break from college from May through August without a place to live and it's been so long (years) since we've been physically together that she's bussing from halfway across the country to be with me. Sounds great right? But I'll be getting my degree the same time she comes down and already have a 40+ hour/wk job that I love. I'm also moving in with a good friend as a roommate at around the same time. I have no clue how they'll interact and how he would handle the roller coaster or how she will handle coming all the way just to be sitting at my place either alone or with a stranger for the majority of her waking hours. She can get very restless, and makes agitated impulsive decisions when it's too much which is not infrequent.

On top of that, most of our interactions via text/facebook/skype/phone for the past months have been either purely surface level cordial catching up or her venting in extremely agitated states. A couple small fights about how nothing I say has any effect when trying to point her in the direction of methods to improve things she's struggling with, have rational meaningful conversations, or how me not saying anything is equally as bad. One or more of those general formats, with attached habitual declarations of eternal love and undying commitment and excitement/anxiety about being together again soon.

I feel like since we (forcably by circumstance) went our separate ways, my life has turned around and gotten so much better. I've stopped substance abuse, which to be fair, was never her thing, though our relationship seemed to bring out my addictive proclivities. I've gotten a degree I love, a job I love, a nice place and great friends and I feel genuinely hopeful and positive. She seems like the same exact person I knew before no matter how I try to help her help herself. She expresses the attitude that she is who she is as though there's no room for growth, no problem with her behavior, no reason or possibility for change. I don't like feeling like she should change, but this is a person I love and had hoped to personally grow and evolve alongside, not just grow old with.

Either everything external is a catastrophe, in which case I do my best to offer comfort and empathy and validation, or her expression then turns to a blissful idealism of how our relationship is the eternal last bastion of perfect sanity and was meant to be, exactly as it was and will ever be. But of course, even amidst those declarations which have been happening since the early days of our relationship, there's repeated tearful statements of how she fears/"knows" that something will go wrong and she'll screw something up or that I'll see her for "who she really is" and "wake up" and leave her. My expressions of long-term vision and intense affection and such have tapered off slightly as of late and these kinds of abandonment fears have risen in correlation. I know it's likely not intentional but it feels like if I don't keep up the act in spite of I my doubts, she'll just fall apart. And I feel for her fear, as it wasn't until this relationship that I really developed a sense of self-worth (now independent of her love, but I'm still grateful). I'll admit I probably fed the idealistic promising side of the equation for the reason I just mentioned; nothing sounded better at the time.

I feel like she showed me how to be a better person and I integrated it. But now that I realize my own worth, I don't want to feel trapped, hushed into silence or endlessly comforting for fear of backlash. I'm a naturally undramatic guy and while I feel for her for many reasons, the umpteenth blowup over things that can't be changed and don't matter that much really chips away at my ability to empathize. But that may be bearable if communication could be open and effective, which it isn't.

The living situation makes me extremely hesitant to even bring up the potential of backing out of our arrangement. Especially with her having a history of self-harm. I honestly have no clue what to do and if I don't reach out to somebody who understands, here, I fear that my actions could result in her hurting herself forever or bringing her down here and creating untold misery for all three people (SO, roommate, myself). How can I proceed? With either course of action?

I honestly feel like I don't want this relationship anymore but I don't see a way out. How can I ruin this person? How can I even know what she'll do? I don't want to sacrifice my lifetime happiness and potential to become her ineffective stability/self-worth bandaid.

Thank you for all you do, as from what I've read on these boards already I see there's a diverse and compassionate community who speak from the heart of their personal experiences.

[Cat Familiar]

Welcome Worrier.   There's much to read on this site and you might begin with the box on the right side of this page and follow the links if you haven't already done so.

You express yourself so well, I'm thinking you must be a literature grad student. What I hear in your words is a hesitation about getting more deeply involved again with this woman. It seems like you've had plenty of experience with her to get a very clear overview of her patterns and that currently your life is working well for you and you're feeling reluctant about her moving into your shared living situation.

You don't want to hurt her, but at the same time you're worried about her impact on your life, particularly now because you have a sense of freedom and are not as obligated to her due to the current distance between you.

Your situation brings back memories about how I got together with my first husband, who has BPD. I planned to move to a ski resort with my best friend from college and he sort of glommed onto me, while I was in an emotionally vulnerable place. My friend had a job commitment that she couldn't leave, so he volunteered to drive around with me and check out different ski areas in a few states. Next thing I knew, we were in a relationship--and I really wasn't that into him.

We ended up living together in a mountain cabin with other roommates, then my friend joined us a month later. Our relationship started off semi-OK, but then the ugly BPD behavior began and finally, he left. My life without him was much smoother, though I missed having a relationship. When the ski season ended, he returned, and talked me into moving back to the beach community where we met. (Big mistake!) I ended up spending 20 tumultuous years with a person I never really loved and endured his violence, infidelities, substance abuse and financial irresponsibility. When I finally got the courage to extract myself from this relationship, I never, not for a moment, regretted it.

I assume you have a good idea about what a person with borderline personality disorder is capable of--and there is quite a range of expression of the disorder from mild impairment to total f*ing mind-blowing insanity. Ask yourself if this is what you want in your life. You're relatively free of it right now.

It's not your responsibility to save her from herself. It is your responsibility to choose what you want your life to look like. You're young and you have lots of opportunities for relationships with emotionally healthy women. As you get older, it's much harder to meet people, and the ones you do encounter often have major baggage. Please make a wise choice for yourself.

[Worrier123]

Cat Familiar: Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your own story.

I'm actually an art history student but I appreciate the comparison.   

It does sound like you understand my dilemma. I've thought about it repeatedly and at length and I don't think this is what I want in my life. It's not the deciding that's difficult any more, but figuring out the best way to communicate that to her. Is there any less-awful way to frame something like this to a BPD partner or is it pretty much always gonna be terrible?

I know, in my mind, that it's not my responsibility to save her from herself. But thank you for saying it. It's not something I feel at the moment but I think I have to detach and internalize that a bit more. It's odd as I've often been the person telling others something similar, that they can't take responsibility/blame for other people's decisions, and yet it is somehow much harder when I'm the one on the inside.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Worrier, Welcome!  I'd like to echo what Cat says, that you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Like most of us here who get involved with a pwBPD, you may have codependent tendencies.  Nevertheless, I suggest that you listen to your gut feelings.  I sense that you already know, on some gut level, that this is a bad idea yet you seem to be trying to convince yourself otherwise.  My advice: listen to your gut.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

It's not the deciding that's difficult any more, but figuring out the best way to communicate that to her. Is there any less-awful way to frame something like this to a BPD partner or is it pretty much always gonna be terrible?

Unfortunately, it's like pulling off the proverbial band-aid. It's gonna be painful either way, but the slow way prolongs the agony. And any hesitation or wavering on your part could potentially be seen by her as an opening for re-engaging.

I guess the kindest way of ending it would be to say something like "Our lives have moved in such different directions in the last few years."

I have little experience ending relationships, and I must say that I didn't do it in a very compassionate way with my ex-husband. Even though I made it very clear that I was done done done with him, he still couldn't believe it for a while and kept thinking I'd forgive him and things would be the way they were before.

[Notwendy]

I think your observation that you are in a better place on your own, and your trepidation about her staying with you over the summer are serious considerations. Trust your judgement. Overriding it in order to avoid a scene or not hurt her feelings is not honoring your feelings. It also sets you on a path where saying no to her could be harder and soon you could end up in a committed situation with her.

IMHO there is no way to say this and not avoid a reaction that could be disruptive. However not speaking up to avoid a reaction then becomes a pattern that you either keep on doing ( to avoid a scene) or there will likely be a scene. However, the kinder way to do this is before she moves in with you and has no where else to stay. Now is the time students are subletting places, or making arrangements for where to stay in the summer. It is worse to have her move in with you and if you don't like it, know that you are taking away her place to stay. With weeks left in college, not doing this now may inevitably place you in this situation.

All you can do is your part of this. She might raise a scene but you can't control that. If she threatens to harm herself, you can call 911. If she harasses you, the police. But from your post, if you are considering abandoning your own feelings and well being, in order to avoid this scene, or spare her hurt feelings, then you are not making the best decision for yourself.

The two of you are relatively young, and whether or not you continue a relationship, it doesn't have to include her moving in with you. You also have the right to choose to date or not date anyone at this time. College is where students try different things and ideas- they may possibly change majors, or room mates- and date several people or not. It is a time in life where you figure out who you are and what you want. You can take the space to do so.