So bewildered

[landslide]

I am so incredibly overwhelmed and confused right now.  Brief background-- my daughter is 16, has ADHD and BPD, and recent eating disorder issues, steadily getting worse this year.  We just got started with in-home crisis stabilization and outpatient eating disorder therapies to see if we could get things going in the right direction.  She met her new therapists last week, liked them, seemed if anything slightly more pleasant in the last few days.  Then last night, she ran away, which is not the first time, but seemed without any obvious trigger.  She has admitted that sometimes she runs just to go party with a bad-news friend.  She was gone overnight, which is less frequent, and didn't go to school right away the next day, which is even less frequent.  She went to school mid-day, and our in-home therapist called her there.  My daughter was refusing to go home and instead chose to go to a shelter for runaway youth. She just called me from there, which I guess is good since I know where she is, but said she wouldn't go home because she is "scared of what would happen."  Which to me, makes no sense.  I cannot fathom why she would go to a shelter instead of coming home.  There is nothing more we can take away, which has been the case for awhile now, as she has virtually no privileges.  She acts like my husband is terribly abusive to her, which I have never seen evidence of and has lately started to say "He's different when you're not around."  He certainly gets angry with her, but hardly even yells.  Do other people have experience with kids accusing people of abuse that doesn't seem true, or choose living in shelter instead of coming home?  I feel like I am going crazy.  Her stories are so different from what I am seeing, that I am starting to question my own sanity and judgement. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

Yes, that's a form of splitting. When our 16 year old BPD and ADHD DD gets herself into trouble, she often presents to her peers that I am a horrible abusive parent, and her dad is her savior and protector. I believe this is a manifestation of BPD under heavy stress. It happened with our DD when she would sneak out too. To the boy of the moment, and her story to the police, I was the devil. She doesn't want to come home because she was not feeling "safe" at home with me. Really, she just wanted to stay overnight with a boy with a permissive household. Fortunately, all the police need to do is call up her record (as a reported runaway, multiple police calls and times taken to the hospital) and they get that she has a mental illness. All goes back to normal once crisis mode is over. She goes back to moments of clarity and periods of peace before the cycle starts itself over again.

[landslide]

Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds very much like what is happening.  Someone just called from the youth shelter where she is staying, and he seemed to understand the dynamics, too.  This is just such a terrible, sad illness.  I keep thinking back to  few years ago and wondering where the child I knew went.  I am so tired of watching her self-destruct and feeling so powerless.  Everyone keeps telling me, "You are doing everything you can."  I wish it was enough to make a difference right now.  Sometimes I question whether it even matters whether I am involved or not.  She seems hell-bent on burning everything down, and I feel more like a bystander than anything else. 

[Rockieplace]

I feel for you I really do and you are right, the powerlessness is perhaps the hardest thing to deal with. 

The advice on here is to take care of yourself and try to create a space for your own life that isn't tied into your pwBPD. It's hard advice to follow and is all the more effective if you can manage it.

Good luck.   

[landslide]

Thanks, Rockieplace, it is hard to focus, but I'm doing my best this weekend, spending time with my 9-year-old son and enjoying the beautiful spring weather.  She is now on the run, and we don't even know where she is.  She is always in the corner of my mind, but I am trying to give myself space. 

[lbjnltx]

I too was told early on my family's journey through BPD that I was "doing everything I can", our lives were so terrible that this caused me grave concern!  This cannot be "everything" that can be done because it isn't working. 

Where I found areas to improve were in my coping skills regarding fear, pain, and helplessness, in my communications with my daughter... .validating, SET and boundaries and in upping the psychiatric treatment for my daughter.

The skills I learned here, the treatment was going inpatient.

lbj