Subconsciously "Proving Yourself" to Borderline Parent

[ophnoh]

I had a breakthrough with my T today that I wanted to share and I'm wondering if other children of borderline parents can relate to this... .

My mwBPD was very much fixated on physical appearance and wealth/status. Her mother (who I suspect also has BPD and was a very abusive alcoholic) had this fixation on thinness and had an eating disorder which she would basically force my mother into periods where she would starve herself. My grandmother also would chase after wealthy men (including married men) and had this fixation on her socioeconomic status which definitely got passed on to my mother.

My mother has been through 4 husbands, her first husband being my father. All of her husbands have overlapped, with various boyfriends sprinkled in between. Almost all of her relationships have been a way for her to seek status. As a child my mother placed a lot of emphasis on how beautiful she found me (I modeled as a child and she would literally dress me up like a china doll in a way that, looking back, was very odd). When I hit puberty, however, she started being cruel about my appearance/weight. She'd call me pathetic. She'd call me a loser. She'd say she was embarrassed to be seen in public with me. She'd often point out my physical flaws to her boyfriends, who were often wealthy/handsome. She'd often lie and say that one of my brother's workers who came to help him (he had autism) who was, by my mother's standards, "beautiful" was her daughter instead of me. When I was 14/15, there was an incident where the family (along with my brother's worker) attended a wedding and my mother had me save seats for everyone while she introduced "the family" to everyone. I admittedly have a lot of deep-seeded issues regarding my own self-worth to this day, especially when it comes to my physical attractiveness and my ability to attract men.

As an adult I've had difficulty in romantic relationships. Until about a year ago I was very promiscuous. I've had three major relationships since I ran away from home. Two of the three relationships were with men who were emotionally and/or physically abusive. One of the relationships, however, was with a man significantly older than me (he was actually a few years older than my mother). He was very good-looking... .and, further, he was very wealthy. Wealthier than any of the boyfriends my mother ever had... .and he was from my mother's home country. In short, he was a man my mother would likely go after. He had a a penthouse in two major cities and would fly me out to see him. Further, it was a sadomasochistic relationship which, looking back, was likely rooted in what I endured as a child. My mother was not aware of this relationship until after it ended and, admittedly, I RELISHED telling her about it, as much as I relished the relationship itself. I could tell she was jealous (yet oddly proud in her way).

It did not hit me until today how much of my relationships with men had much to do with somehow proving myself. I was promiscuous for a period of time because I had been convinced for so long how undesirable and embarrassing I was. I think abusive relationships I was in was rooted in that fact that poor treatment, red flags to most people, seems so normal to me. And, in terms of the relationship with the older man... .I think it was subconsciously my way of proving to myself, to her, that I'm worth as much as my mother depicted herself to be worth. I just find it so interesting because, for the longest time, my mother told me that my difficulties in relationship stemmed from issues I likely had with my father. Looking at everything, though... .I'm starting to realize that, in a bizarre way, my relationships with men have stemmed from treatment I endured at the hands of my mother.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[Notwendy]

I can't relate to this with exact experiences, but with some similar feelings. One important thing that you have discovered is that having a parent with BPD has an influence on who we choose as marriage/romantic partners. This is a most important realization because- this is something that we can change!  It can take time and some hard personal work, but it is possible to change our way of relating to people and to choose to be more emotionally mature and have a different relationship. If you are not married at the moment, this also means you can choose to work on yourself while not dealing with relationship issues- and this could set you on a path to a different future. How exciting!


My mother ( she is elderly) was quite literally a knockout in her day. She is also very flirtatious, superficial about looks and status. She was clearly set on a path to find a husband in her day although I think that is probably the norm for her era as it seemed to be the main goal of her friends too, long before the women's lib era. So she and her friends set out to college to find a husband. She did quite well with my father. He earned a good living in a high status job. Over the years though, the finances in our family became strained. She had no problem buying designer shoes, clothes, purses. Everything was a status item. Her FOO is that way too. But there was not enough money to go around, and so we had to compensate for her desires.

It was a double message from her. As a kid, I was expected to look pretty, but as I began to hit puberty there was also the Snow White theme of becoming prettier than she was. So, if there was any kind of family event, she had to look perfect, but so did I. I recall at an early age she got on my case about my weight, but I was never overweight, just not model weight. She even got my father into it, talking him into coercing me to lose 5 lbs. What a horrible thing to do. So, I grew up with shame about my body, feeling unattractive. She also told me I was unlovable and that nobody would love me. I didn't take the same route you did- promiscuity, but I had problems dating. I was shy, afraid to date, but then also sometimes fell for boys who treated me poorly not thinking I deserved better. The tragic side to this is when I look at pictures of myself as a pre-teen, I was not overweight at all. I was about 5'2 and 100 lbs at age 12.  It was my mother constantly telling me that which influenced how I saw myself.

A source of irritation to my mother is that, I didn't completely comply with her idea of how I should look or act. She is dainty and feminine, dressing in girly things and I went all tomboy- into sports, horses, and jeans- not dresses and by college- academics, not husbands. She acted like something was wrong with me, even making me wonder if there was because I wasn't boy crazy. In a way, it seemed to bother her that I wasn't constantly dating guys. I knew I was straight, I just had other interests too. One reason I didn't date much was that  I felt so shamed growing up that I  didn't pick up on guys being interested in me. If you don't believe it, you don't see it. I recall having a friend who was very good looking. I even set him up with some friends of mine. Then, one day, out of the blue he told me he had a crush on me. I didn't see it because I didn't believe someone as handsome as he was would ever have an interest in me.

So, while I didn't follow a similar path, I experienced similar feelings of shame, insecurity and feeling I needed to prove myself- which I did in academics. Perhaps the opposite reaction- being a tomboy and not dating was just the other end of the spectrum. It isn't unusual for a reaction to take to one end of an extreme. The ideal is probably somewhere in the middle, a healthy relationship and other interests, and neither as a result of insecurity. The bottom line is that the issues we had growing up in our FOO are influencing our behavior now. That we can change, and how great is it to know that ?  

[HappyChappy]

Can anyone else relate to this?

I would say your analysis of the situation you describe sounds about right to me. Treat them mean and keep them keen is a can do better approach, it’s bound to leave us feeling we need to prove ourselves. I remember reading that with scapegoats that feeling can be all the more.

The big light bulb moment for me, when realising the point you make is that I no longer need prove myself. In fact I’m resting on my laurels as we speak.

The other aspect that follows from what you say is that it wasn’t your fault, all that criticism was going to happen regardless of what you did. Exonerated. Sounds like you’ve got to the end of your yellow brick road. So what’s going to change in your life as a result ?

[ropend]

Congratulations on your break through.