How much should I share with my children?

[Landslide2014]

It's been a long time since I have logged in. I feel so blessed to have had these forums to validate my circumstances and eventually separate myself true self from the self that I was so inaccurately accused of being. This site has offered incredible support for me as I struggled through the termination of my marriage and dealt with the manipulation and threats from my UBPDXH through the entire process. (I am so grateful to say ex.) I endured a great deal of pain and abuse, though I gained a lot of emotional healing and awareness.  So many stories here. I am reaching out today because I have 4 children ages 9 - 21. Last night I was having a conversation with my D16 about her dad. It has been my desire to be selective, supportive and careful with the information I share surrounding my ex, their father.  His priorities have always included the kids and I am grateful that he wants to maintain this with our children.  He has many amazing qualities, though the inconsistencies and the tendencies to switch without warning is ever present. Sometimes he is mean. She was expressing this to me last night and I thought I wanted to share my knowledge, though I was cautious because I did not want to cross a line. He is not diagnosed and is in denial. At the same time, the soul part of me believes that she (they) should have the information to understand, not blame herself, use tools, and hopefully arrive at a place of peace with it all. I was able to offer her some support last night without bashing or labeling. I woke up this morning thinking she deserved to know. I would like to offer her, and possibly my 2 older children the gift of this site and perhaps a book or literature and I am looking for feedback from those that get it before I proceed. Your input on how to approach the subject would be greatly appreciated. My D16 was openly expressing her frustration and anger and confusion last night. The gift of providing a safe and non judge-mental arena for my children is one of the blessings that has been born out of my decision to leave. She is not presently open to therapy, though I think she is coming closer to giving it another try. Thank you.  

[Kwamina]

Hi landslide2014

Welcome back here

I am sorry you endured so much pain and abuse in your marriage. The marriage is now over but you are currently more or less Co-Parenting with your ex. For that reason I also encourage you to take a look at the stories and resources on the Co-Parenting board:

Co-parenting after the Split

There are several resources there that can be very helpful when raising children in the knowledge that the other parent is disordered:

Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD

I suggest you take a look at that material to see if you find anything helpful for your children.

Your 16 year old daughter was expressing her frustration and I get that because it really isn't easy having a disordered parent. I have an uBPD mom so can definitely relate to what your daughter is going through. This site requires members to be 18 years old to be able to join, but the resources on the Co-Parenting board are things you can also use for children under the age of 16.

[HappyChappy]

You ask a very pertenent question. It must be very difficult for you given that fact kids blurt things out and BPD are easily offended.

Speaking as the child of a BPD who was convicted I was adopted, an explanation as to why my Mom didn’t appear to have any love and that her abuse towards me wasn’t personal would have be great. I have explained thing to my young kids because we're NC and they needed to know why. The bit they’ve picked up is be wary of anyone that doesn't show you respect or is being mean to you, they tend to be bullies. This is because their PD relatives were bullying my son prior to us going NC. This has helped my daughter form healthier relationships at school and avoid bullies. But easier to do when you're no contact.

You could take the slow release way, by maybe choosing a film about someone with a PD who may be reminiscent of their farther.  Are there any movie or pop stars your daughter likes that the press is suggesting may have a PD ?

Offering Therapy is a good idea, just to help the kids with the divorce if nothing else. Maybe the PD diagnosis will be suggest as a by product. I guess it's not just a question of when you tell them, but also how much do you tell them. You sound like a loving mother. Why not trust you instincts on this ?  

[Landslide2014]

Thank you both for the feedback, support and direction. You gave me some great points to ponder. It has been also helpful to be patient for answers rather than jump into my immediate instinct. Things are often delivered more lovingly that way. XO