Introduction

[Stripey77]

Hi all, and good evening.

I've been reading, and reading, and reading this forum for weeks now and I'm finally taking the plunge to 'introduce' myself. These boards have been an absolute Godsend to me in terms of realising that not only am I NOT going mad and imagining the hell I've been put through - but there are many others like me out there. Misery, in this case, does not love company, but it has been perversely comforting to read so very many other stories out there which mirror my own, so closely that I'm staggered that BPD is not more commonly talked about. I had never heard of it before, namely because it's never touched my life before. Because so many of you have such incredibly similar stories to my own, that I almost feel as if to go into all of the details of what happened to me would almost be surplus to requirements... .in my head I've penned such statements as 'the pain has been indescribable'. That this is the worst emotional pain I've ever been party to. And then I realise that every one of you knows exactly what I am describing, and you know what I am living through, because you're right there too. The 'comfort', if you can call it that, that I've derived from reading these boards has been that, names, dates, places and times and such to one side, I feel as if I could lift my story and drop it into any one of yours... .the pieces would still fit. The pattern has been so similar, it's jaw-dropping. It's Friday evening and I want to focus on happier things tonight but I will almost certainly return to fill in all the details, for those of you are interested. I want to be the first to say that, as with the rest of us, I am no psychologist, and my ex BF is NOT to the best of my knowledge, diagnosed. However, when the wheels started to seriously come off some months ago, I looked into what on earth could be going wrong with the Mr. Hyde who has replaced my wonderful Dr. Jekyll. I dismissed the idea of BPD - it didn't fit. A good friend who IS trained in these matters floated the idea quite adamantly - I dismissed it. Having now been picked up, re-cycled, and then discarded so totally and utterly, I'm writing now some 4 months later with the sad realisation that there is little to no other explanation. He is high functioning, he is highly intelligent, he is personable and charming, when he wishes to be. He co-owns a successful local business. He has currently painted me so very, very, VERY black, I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I didn't actually do anything to deserve it. I'm being treated as if I were a criminal or a monster, and yet did nothing but love him, with all my heart.  He has tried to enlist others to his cause, or at the very least, intimidate them into taking sides. I feel as if I'm the target of a playground bully - the person I fell more deeply than anyone I have ever met! Familiar ground to all of you I know, I actually allowed myself to believe I had at long last met 'The One'. My other half. My future husband. My dismay at watching Prince Charming turn back into a frog in front of my eyes has been bewildering, to say the very least. I live in a very small seaside town, we are all ex-pats and we have many mutual friends. He will quite literally stop in his tracks, or walk past me in a restaurant (both of these things have happened recently) as if I were totally invisible. I've caught him looking at me, but he can't face me. I am an extremely strong woman and have maintained a dignified outward silence for 4 months, especially with all of our mutual friends, as to even try to begin to describe this living hell would be pointless. God knows what he's told them to explain his treatment of me. My friends here and at home, and my parents, who are also here, know everything. But even with their incredible and ongoing support, none of them can really accurately understand the pain I'm feeling right now. I hit rock bottom and I'm certain, a kind of depression, some weeks ago, and have made a concerted effort since to try to get it together... .sink or swim. I get up every day, go to do my job, smile, make friends, work out, socialise... .but I'm wearing a mask. I am functioning and managing to laugh... .but I am existing, not living. And this is what's brought me here. When it comes over me, I don't know what to do to mitigate the pain. I've cried relatively little because the pain is too much to give way to. He currently appears to be hell bent on drinking himself half to death, and I believe is a highly functioning alcoholic. It's obviously his drug of choice to numb his own pain. I believe he knows very well what he's done to me, and that he's done that to a lady who loved him, completely. He doesn't know how hurt I am as I have refused to let him see my pain, which I think has further enraged him or frustrated him. I don't suppose too many before me have stood their ground and stayed silent, but rather have begged, pleaded and still been available to him.  I've kept my pain hidden from him at all costs as I believe that his lack of control over me is what has kept him on a little bit of back foot now, and letting him see my pain would be tantamount to handing that control back to him. Of course, every single part of me wishes he would talk to me, that he would come back, that my beautiful man would come and hold me and tell me this was all a horrific nightmare.  I know that this isn't going to happen. Our homes are about 5 mins' walk apart. I've spent 4 months actively avoiding going to places he might be, with my heart in my mouth and constant racing heart/anxiety, for fear of being rejected/ignored by him, but of course, it's happened anyway. A break up is bad enough, and life changing enough as is anyway, especially for a softie like me who gives her all. But to be actually hated - or to be treated as such at least, to be ignored, ghosted and cut off, by someone who just a few months ago was gazing into my eyes and talking about babies we'd have... .well, as I say... .you all already know. It's stupefying. Anyone has the right to end a relationship for whatever reason, and we must accept that. But to be so brutally discarded, literally overnight, and then to be treated as a social leper, is a whole new world of pain. Last year, I felt more loved, happy, cherished, and beautiful, than I have in my entire life.  The end was abrupt and literally overnight- as if a switch had just been flicked. The second ending was brutal and followed 3 weeks of silent treatment. Which followed a recycling at his instigation. Now I find myself treated like a criminal being publicly punished for even existing. Of course, people tell you in the nicest possible way to pull yourself together, to draw a line under it, to move on. I wonder how many of them have had a beloved partner suddenly and overnight cut them off dead. If someone told me that an alien ship had come down and taken my boyfriend away and put his double in his place, I would believe them. Again, I know all of you know this. But I just wanted to talk to some people who understand the bizarre situation we find ourselves in. I can't remember what feeling happy feels like. I know it will get better. I know time will heal. I sincerely hope to find someone to give all I have to offer to, which is a lot. But I'd appreciate support in getting through this living hell of an existence that I find myself in now. My heart is broken... .but I know it will mend.

[WoundedBibi]

Your story seems very similar to mine. I understand the pain you are in. You've come to the right place to let down down the mask and heal.

I'm really happy for you that you do realize your heart will mend but that you need to give it time and attention. We're here for support and virtual hugs and questions to provoke thoughts. Welcome to the family 

[Stripey77]

Wounded Bibi - I've read a fair few of your posts, and it seems that way, yes. I find the hardest part is to focus on ME and not him. It's almost impossible. I also know for a fact I am still under his skin... .more on this later. I may be the proverbial 'one who got away' ... .because he pushed me away .  I was matter of factly told, at about 4 a.m in a bar on Christmas Day that I had been 'deleted from his life' due to the big mistake I made. I can't help thinking that truly deleting someone from your life means that you don't even stop by to tell them about it, let alone have a conversation about it but what do I know?

That was the day I walked away and left him, mid rant. My heart was, and is, broken.

Thank you for the virtual hugs. I think if someone gave me a real one I might have a break down.

[once removed]

hi stripey 77 

i wanted to join woundedbibi and say

it is remarkably comforting to learn that there is an explanation (albeit exceedingly complex) for what weve been through, that we arent "going crazy", and that there are people out there who can familiarize with our pain - that we arent alone. "adjustment" would be an understatement when it comes to transitioning from the profoundly close bond we had with our partners, to the feeling (not chosen, and totally in conflict with our heads and our hearts) that we are worst enemies - it can really shake our sense of reality. this is one of the saddest realities of this disorder.

it does sound like you have faced it (and him) with integrity. silence was golden for me too, and im thankful i maintained my dignity even while i was a basket case at the time  . i suspect you will be as well. i can relate to feeling like youre existing but not living. you might consider that half the battle, though, as its a testament to your resilience. its not easy rebuilding and it takes time. much of healing and progress is often seen in retrospect.

having said that, it can also feel very isolating when we are feeling depressed, and not heard or understood by friends and family. have you considered seeing a therapist? treat yourself well, you dont have to face depression alone and it helps to talk  .

is the smearing ongoing?

[HurtinNW]

Welcome, Stripey!

The folk here certainly can relate. I'm digging out from the complete reality-bending hurt of my relationship. These relationships can be utterly crazy-making. It hurts so much to have someone we trusted and loved turn on us, and then to be blamed... .it is just plain catastrophic.

Like you my ex has painted me black to mutual friends and our very large social community, and he continues to do so by playing the victim of monster me. In past break-ups it broke my heart that mutual friends buy into him playing the victim after he was the one who abused and broke up with me. I think it is important to honor how you feel and what you need during this time. Give yourself space and take care of that tender heart of yours. 

Please bear in mind that someone who would abuse you, abruptly reject you and demolish you, paint you as a monster, then pretend you don't exist... .that person is not capable of having a relationship. That's about him and his pain and disorder. From now on out you can make this about you and your future and what you deserve.

[bunny4523]

Please bear in mind that someone who would abuse you, abruptly reject you and demolish you, paint you as a monster, then pretend you don't exist... .that person is not capable of having a relationship. That's about him and his pain and disorder. From now on out you can make this about you and your future and what you deserve.

Yes I too agree that this is one of the most important things to remember. 

Stripey - I think it is better that he doesn't know how hurt/emotional you are.  This is just my opinion from my own personal experience.  I don't live in a small town but I still work with my exBPD.  Anytime I show him any emotion or even smile, it seems to draw him into this weird place... .almost like he is trying to win me over again.  Like, duh, I've been there, done that... .I already know how this ends!

Stay strong and I know it feels odd just going through the motions and wearing that mask right now... .but I did the same thing until I was able to slowly come back to life.  My mind knew I just had to get through it, kind of like "fake it till you make it".  Eventually my heart caught up and it is so much easier now.  Seeing him everyday and acting like I didn't hate him for what he put me through was so hard in the beginning, even knowing he wasn't well.  I felt like I had been raped and every morning he would come in and smile and say good morning to me. 

I am now past the anger and also past the anxiety of having to deal with him.  It's been 8 months and no two weeks were the same.  Constant growth and moving forward, one step at a time.  Keep posting - I know it helped me alot to release all the confusion these types of relationships cause to our souls.  Gotta get it out.

[Stripey77]

Thanks, all of you.

As I say, I realise I have made just a generic post outlining my current situation. I will return and pad this out with specific examples of some of the things that were said and done over the course of our (admittedly short)  relationship. I think they will serve to illustrate why I think I belong here on this board.  It's funny though, I don't think the length is relevant here, the feelings were, of course, incredibly intense, and the ending violently abrupt.  I've never felt so instantly 'at home' with anyone in my life. I don't think he set out to hurt me, and I totally believe that at the time he said those things, he was in love with me. I also think I may have got closer than anyone has before, and he frightened himself. Certainly, the GF before me, also in this town, and who also had her heart broken, has not been 'deleted from his life', as I have. I think I got too close.  Ultimately, he met his match, as did I. Physically, sexually, and above all, intellectually. Those things are in short supply around here, and to find it all in one package where we mutually adored each other and were instantly attracted - well, it was the proverbial fireworks. We even share the exact same name, I'm not kidding you... .and there were many other strange coincidences between us. That said,  despite being so very much in love with him, I am still a lady to stand my ground, however nicely, and ultimately, this is what led to the demise of the relationship. I will explain all of this later, but maybe you if I tell you all that talk of 'problems' started creeping into the conversation when I had said/done something he didn't like. This began after about 3 months of adoration and bliss... .suddenly, I was told that 'we've been having problems' that I am 'a wonderful woman, but I don't want any problems'. On the day he went over the top and lost his cool completely, (which followed with 3 days of silence before being dumped by TEXT) I was told "I told you I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS". So, I became 'the problem maker'.  It began to become clear that 'problems' were questioning anything he did or said, or me doing or saying something he didn't like. And so began the quest for total control over me, and of course, me walking constantly on egg shells so as not to run the risk of being dumped. In fact I think it might have been the 'walking on eggshells' notion that led me to finding out about BPD.  Of course, I now realise... .that even if I weren't the Problem Maker, even if I'd been a doormat, even if I'd got everything 'right'... .I would still have found myself discarded, eventually. The difference is, I don't think I'd have been painted so black. The loneliness that has followed after this break up has been unprecedented. I can see very well a relationship isn't possible for him long term, but I wish so very much that we were able to be civil, to pass each other and say hello, to smile at each other. I don't think he's capable of doing this at the moment, but it would go so so far to closing this gaping wound in my heart. It feels so very very unfair, and totally unnecessary. He must be exerting more energy into hating me and blocking me than he would to be civil. He is on friendly terms again with the GF before me. I am public enemy no.1.  I am very aware that although I am painted black right now, and he's blocked me on most outlets, that's not to say he won't just suddenly start talking to me again one day. Reading all of the other posts on here, it's very possible. It may also never happen. Sad sad sad. I just hope that one day, I'll be past caring. Right now, I care.

Re: the 'smearing'. He hasn't got very far. Every one of our mutual friends is still just that. No one has dropped me from their lives, in fact, my closeness to people in my own right has increased, and my social circle rapidly expanding. I go out of my way to project happiness, friendship and kindness to everyone I meet here. The effect is 2-fold, 1, it's sending out a message that he can't control grown people in their 30s+ and tell them who to be friends with and that they see me for the nice lady I am. I hope this has frustrated him.  2, I'm increasing my own social life at the same time. For him to turn people against me, he would have to make things up, effectively, and that would soon be found out. I don't think he's trying to do that, rather just exaggerate his reasons for why he had to leave me. He HAS managed to exert this control over his closer friends here... .and of course, someone who works for him. But what choice does she have?   As a friend here pointed out to me... .his friends ARE my friends. And seeing as I've done nothing but be nice to them, they still are. I haven't breathed a word against him... .so hopefully he is looking like the one with the problem. Which he is. 

[Stripey77]

@onecremoved yes, I did think about therapy and when I hit rock bottom, and couldn't see a way out of the pit a few weeks ago, my parents offered to pay for me to do so. They are an incredible support and my mum in particular has been a great sounding board etc. My dad speculated some time ago that he thought my BF had some kind of schizophrenic tendency, or something similar... .he is right of course,  in that there is a PD at play. But he can't stand to hear about it all, obviously even at my age, I'm still daddy's little girl and he is furious at the way I've been treated.  However, I think I am coming out of the other side of this. At the time of writing my introduction, I was having a VERY low day, very low indeed. I expect these to still happen from time to time. But I am pragmatic and I just say it to myself: it is what it is . The man I love more than anyone I've ever known, is currently pretending that I don't exist. Stating it sounds like an obvious thing to do, but it's 'out there'. It's a fact and there is nothing I can do whatsoever to change it. I went out last night and had a great night, saw lots of our mutual friends again... .everyone is still my friend. Of course they are. I now realise that. His silent treatment and 'deletion' of me from his life (that is, social media) is devastating to me  but there is nothing I can do. Nothing. With the support of friends, I have now started going to places he frequents, or that we did before... .'his' local bar etc. My friends are of the opinion that we should go wherever the heck we want. We live just minutes apart and it's not ME who isn't talking to anyone. I'm starting to realise that the more we do this, the more he sees me, the more backed into a corner he really is. I have't attempted to contact him at all since Christmas Day when I left him mid rant. And yet, when he caught sight of me in a bar just a couple of weeks ago, and yes, I saw he'd seen me but I didn't let him see me looking... .he went home and blocked me on an Instagram account. I only worked this out because I wanted to a look at a photo on there and suddenly found myself  blocked. I never ever interact with him in any way, and yet the mere sight of me caused him to go home and do that. This means I am truly still under his skin, there is no other explanation. What I need help and support with is how to cope with the current situation. It hurts like hell to be in the same room as him and him to pretend he doesn't even know me. He did it before for 6 weeks before coming back to me on my birthday in November, full of remorse and how he didn't deserve me because of how he'd treated me... .obviously this time the discard is bigger, more real, more final. Perhaps. I just wish I knew how to cope when we find ourselves in the same bar/club/function... .I know there will be other times and the presence of a 'Prince of Darkness' standing in the corner, sucking all the joy out of the room, is just too awful. It is the pits and this is what hurts me the most. He has done it in front of mutual friends, as well as our own respective friends. My own friends of course think he is a b*stard. God knows what the others think, it is so humiliating. Every time, all I do is reflect and mirror his silence and pretend he's not there either. And keep my head high. What I would love to do is throw my arms round him and have a cuddle... .but obviously I wouldn't try! He saw me the other week outside the supermarket and actually stopped in his tracks to avoid crossing paths with me. He doesn't know I saw him, but I did. I wish now that I'd given him a wave   I am beginning to think that the bolder I get, the more I go to the 'no go zones' and the more I'm seen around, the more on a back foot he is. And for a control freak, that is kryptonite. I am well aware that I got discarded the first time because he couldn't control me, and maybe I need to demonstrate this as much as possible. Even if it does mean sacrificing all possibility of even a friendship. I am so sad about this, so so sad. But resigned to it.  Sorry for the long posts, I will pare these down in future! There is so much unsaid... .I'm sure you all know.