Dealing with Alcoholism with BP Spouse

[quixote888]

I wanted to introduce myself as this is the first posting I have made at this website.

My BP spouse began to rage starting in 2007 which is when I found out about BPD.  She has been for the most part high functioning, able to have a job and friends.

I decided to stay because of my three children (and others assured me it was possible) but my life has been a living hell the past ten years, to put it mildly.  There is generally about an hour a day of abuse directed towards me, in typical BPD fashion, blaming me for all of her decisions, etc. etc.  She is completely 100% typical in all respects with everything I've read about BPD and from other message boards that I have read and participated in.

However - about six months ago there was a change in her behavior.  She seemed to change from high functioning to low functioning and started to talk about suicide on a daily basis.  Rather than abuse me she spend her hour hating herself.

She usually drinks when she rages, sometimes a bottle, sometimes as many as two or three.

So we had one of our most horrible incidents ever two weeks ago with the drinking and raging/suicide.  So bad that we went to the local addiction hospital treatment center where she will hopefully be doing a 4-week program with them, 3 hours in the evening 4 days a week.  She's on Camperol to stop the alcohol craving.  But every time she takes a drug for her illness she decides after a couple of weeks she's not really sick so she doesn't need it.

My problem is coping - I feel like in the past I was able to recover quickly from her rages and be okay a day or two later.  But now I feel like I'm permanently screwed up.  My hands actually shake sometimes I'm so traumatized by her endless abuse.  I've been unable to work the past week or function very well.  Maybe it's because I'm getting older (over 50 now).

My question is whether or not anyone has recommendations for treatment for myself.  I've seen psychologists before but they have been pretty worthless.  I was hoping there might be specialists in dealing with the emotional trauma of dealing with BPD (although maybe this is something general and not specific).  Also I was wondering if should tell the psychiatrist at the addiction treatment center about her BPD, which she is very good at concealing, although I wouldn't be surprised if it came out in group therapy (assuming someone recognized it).

Right now I'm "hiding" - not coming home until midnight from work, and then going to a separate bedroom to sleep.  It's because I feel like I can't deal with the abuse right now.

Any other thoughts are welcome.  Love you all.

quixote888

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[Turkish]

Hello quixote888,

That's a tremendous amount of constant stress to deal with. "Hiding" as you say, is an additional layer of emotional stress. What wasn't helpful from the therapists, do you think?

If you've been researching BPD for a while, have you tried incorporating the communication tools, like validation, to reduce conflict? We have lessons to the right of this board. You can search for NEA-BPD, as there may be resources in your area.

Overall, do you feel physically safe? What about the kids, how are they dealing with things?

Turkish

[waverider]

I feel for you, as I went through extreme alcoholism issues as well. It amplifies everything enormously.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings. This is like AA but for those living with alcoholics. I dont know your location but they are fairly widespread worldwide and are a handy first go to place for support and starting to learn acceptance as to what you can and cannot control. It wont fix everything but it may help stabilize you.

As she attempted self harming behavior this can also be common when a pwBPD starts "acting in" rather than acting out?

Was there anything that triggered this change?

it is not impossible that you might be suffering a type of post traumatic stress issue, particularly the shaking and inability to focus on other things.

[quixote888]

Thank you for your comments.  To respond:

Turkish:  Yesterday I was better at using the "tools" to deal with my BPD spouse, but it's just taken me so long to recover from the last episode.  Yes validation helped yesterday.

I feel physically safe, although in her last two drunken episodes - first one she said if she had a gun she would kill me and then herself, and then in the last one she said either she had to die or I had to die.  When she was waving the knife around the last tiem, I did not feel at all that she would actually attack me with it.

waverider:  Yes the alcohol amplifies things.  She's now spent the last few days on Camperol, which has eliminated her craving for alcohol.  It there has turned her more back into her "normal" high functioning incessantly abusive personality rather than the suicidal one - yes so she's "acting out" rather than "acting in".

Since almost anything can "trigger" her, it's hard to say what caused this, although her "new" thing to rage about is a visit to my family in another city for Christmas.  Because of her illness, we had stopped traveling at all, but I thought she was well enough to go.  My old mother who has no "filter" said some things to her that were kind of nasty.  So that's her latest thing, but it's a very long list going back to when I first met her.

I may be suffering from PTSD.  Yesterday I couldn't go to work so I drove two hours away, had a nice lunch and a bookstore visit, then went to a park and rested for an hour.  Came back feeling like I could manage her rages, which were bad, but some of her topics she picked were not very hurtful.  I find it odd that I can handle her rages at me better than the suicide threats, I think it's because the suicide threats affect the kids more than the attacks on me.

Today I was able to sleep for 8 hours for the first time in a while, and I think I can go to work.  Thanks.

[waverider]

  I find it odd that I can handle her rages at me better than the suicide threats, I think it's because the suicide threats affect the kids more than the attacks on me.

Suicide threats also make you feel more powerless as there is less you can do to counter them