Do they love in every relationship they are in?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Has anyone been special to a BPD? As in you stand out in the BPD's mind as far as relationships go?

[SoMadSoSad]

Has anyone been special to a BPD? As in you stand out in the BPD's mind as far as relationships go?

[lm911]

Sure, the beginning of each relationship is dream come true. It depends how long this continues - it could be days, months I do not think years.

[Dhand77]

I think I was idealized for a long time, 3 years perhaps, because she had outside sources of drama to get her fix. It was only when those outside sources started to dry up by her painting them black, that it was inevitable that she would paint me black as well.

I used to take such pride in not making her life complicated. Then she just complicated it on her own through self sabotage. I have a good feeling she'll be chasing after what I gave her for a long, long time.

But she'll never get it from me again.

[MapleBob]

Has anyone been special to a BPD? As in you stand out in the BPD's mind as far as relationships go?

I asked my ex how many times she had been in love near the beginning of our relationship. She said twice, but I know that she had dated many more than two men before me. I just hope that when the next guy asks her that question she says "three times"! 

Even after all of the difficulty started between us, she would still insist that there were a few things that made me special to her, and made me stand out, as you put it.

So, long story short: yes, they're capable of differentiating levels of love/attraction. They're just incapable of maintaining that drug-like level of initial infatuation that they somehow genuinely expect to have continue throughout an entire relationship.

[rfriesen]

My ex told me no one had ever broken up with her before. Like with a lot of things my ex told me, I have to be think about it now before I take that at face value. But just going by that part of her life that I've seen for myself, and the way she dropped her fiancé, I think that she was telling the truth on this score. I have commitment issues myself, and tend to withdraw when things get uncomfortable. This led to a toxic combination with my ex's fear of abandonment, rage, love-hate approach to things. It took a few tries, but eventually I did end things with her -- the break up was drawn out and painful and we relived a lot of our connection in both loving and hurtful ways.

So ... .not necessarily for entirely good reasons, but I think my ex and I touched and wounded one another especially deeply. I think they can differentiate between exes in terms of how meaningful the connection was, but they tend to cope the same way regardless -- moving on to the next person, trying to forget and block out any ongoing feelings of attachment.

[patientandclear]

From my experience, some are more special.  But that is not necessarily good.  My ex wBPD deeply, profoundly resented/hated his long term ex-gf.  He was the victim and she the persecutor in his stories to me and in his dialogue with many friends.  So much so that it was a joke that he refused to say her name.  Superficially, he hated her, and I accepted that at face value for quite a while.

Then I noticed that he literally mentioned her in every conversation we'd have.  And he would constantly refer back to a last "closure" conversation she had requested, where, according to him, she made everything his fault.  But he kept going back to the things she'd said there, and more and more, would confirm she was probably right about individual points.  He also got to a point where he would say "we were both right, we just were two people who could not be together."  And I have some reason to think he may have made a big reach-out to her within the last year, trying to repair what I think he feels to be the major loss/rift in his whole life.

So -- she is really special.  Much good may it do her.  He nearly destroyed her, and in all these years of mulling it over, at most, he reached out to her once to try to put it right.

I would guess that my "specialness" quotient has increased now that I am no longer allowing him to use me as his safety blanket/emotional regulator/fall back person.  Again, much good may it do me.  I have not heard from him for many months.

I think you just cannot know.  Seems like silence is just as compatible with a former partner being "special" as continued engagement -- maybe more so.

[HurtinNW]

As patientandclear pointed out to me as well, some people do touch them. I was one of those, and my ex really went out of his way to destroy me. He has smeared me to mutual friends and is acting as if I destroyed his life. The amount of emotional energy he is spending to paint me black is really quite amazing.

My ex is in his 50s and has never had a relationship more than a year or so before. He made it four years with me and probably tried harder than ever before. He was also far more abusive, mean and cruel than ever before. He really outclassed himself in the meanness department. 

None of that means he will grow or learn from it, or that it was enough to create a relationship. If anything I think the fact I touched him meant we were doomed. He has to paint me black now to protect himself from the loss.

There is a sadness there for me. I know deep inside him is a real soul, a hurt human being. Mentally ill people are not monsters, they are human beings. I think it is that humanity we see in them, and one of the pains of detaching is both recognizing that and letting them go from the love we offered.

[rfriesen]

There is a sadness there for me. I know deep inside him is a real soul, a hurt human being. Mentally ill people are not monsters, they are human beings. I think it is that humanity we see in them, and one of the pains of detaching is both recognizing that and letting them go from the love we offered.

This rings very true for me. It's been incredibly painful letting go of my ex, precisely because in her own way she tried to make our connection last. As we were going through our extended break-up, she once said to me, "I've never been so loving with someone before. I would email you all day with songs that made me think of you, with inspirational quotes that captured our connection, ... .I tried, I really tried." But sadly I could never make her see how skewed the sharing was. She used to tear into me if I talked to any ex who was still a friend, or if I wasn't spending enough time with her, or for other reasons, and she could be really cruel. She would never acknowledge the pain she caused with her rage - or her own constant need for sexual attention from other guys - let alone try to open up and talk about where it might come from. But she could sure pick my conscience apart! My fear of commitment, my wanting to stay friendly with my exes, my need for time alone ... .she made me bare my soul in terms of all the things that might be "wrong" with me. But her idea of opening up to me was declaring that her love for me was just the opposite - pure and solid and never-changing. So any expressions of rage and cruelty on her part must have been my fault all along ... .

The most painful parts of the break-up for me were the ones where she seemed to be in so much pain because she thought she really had given the relationship everything she could, had really tried her best. I gave in many times, because I believed - and still believe - that she was sincere in the moment. Sadly she just can't seem to build on that sincerity over time and learn to better control her anger and manipulation and infidelity. It wouldn't hurt nearly so much if she were just a cruel, uncaring person. Part of her is genuinely loving and kind and lonely and hurt ... .I just can't get through to her without being torn to pieces.

[HurtinNW]

There is a sadness there for me. I know deep inside him is a real soul, a hurt human being. Mentally ill people are not monsters, they are human beings. I think it is that humanity we see in them, and one of the pains of detaching is both recognizing that and letting them go from the love we offered.

This rings very true for me. It's been incredibly painful letting go of my ex, precisely because in her own way she tried to make our connection last. As we were going through our extended break-up, she once said to me, "I've never been so loving with someone before. I would email you all day with songs that made me think of you, with inspirational quotes that captured our connection, ... .I tried, I really tried." But sadly I could never make her see how skewed the sharing was. She used to tear into me if I talked to any ex who was still a friend, or if I wasn't spending enough time with her, or for other reasons, and she could be really cruel. She would never acknowledge the pain she caused with her rage - or her own constant need for sexual attention from other guys - let alone try to open up and talk about where it might come from. But she could sure pick my conscience apart! My fear of commitment, my wanting to stay friendly with my exes, my need for time alone ... .she made me bare my soul in terms of all the things that might be "wrong" with me. But her idea of opening up to me was declaring that her love for me was just the opposite - pure and solid and never-changing. So any expressions of rage and cruelty on her part must have been my fault all along ... .

The most painful parts of the break-up for me were the ones where she seemed to be in so much pain because she thought she really had given the relationship everything she could, had really tried her best. I gave in many times, because I believed - and still believe - that she was sincere in the moment. Sadly she just can't seem to build on that sincerity over time and learn to better control her anger and manipulation and infidelity. It wouldn't hurt nearly so much if she were just a cruel, uncaring person. Part of her is genuinely loving and kind and lonely and hurt ... .I just can't get through to her without being torn to pieces.

That is so beautifully, perfectly said. I also tried over and over again with my ex. I truly believe he was trying in his way. But what little insights he had were soon run over by the storm over his resentments, ways of thinking, and feeling.

I think of it as someone in a little rowboat on a calm lake. They only have one dinky oar. While the lake is calm, and they only have the birds to listen to, they can make a little progress. Paddle here. Paddle there. A tiny bit at a time. They look to the shore, and see all these happy people there. They'd like to be there too.

But soon the winds kick up, and the waves come, and they are swamped, and they panic. They throw the oar overboard, kick at the boat, and scream at the storm.

That's how my ex was. When the lake was perfectly calm he could want to change things, even though he couldn't admit to have fault. (Hence the one oar, as opposed to two, because I think all accountability means having a sense of self and a sense of other). He wanted to get to the shore. He did! He could see the shore and all the happy people there, cavorting and together, with love for each other. But the wind would pick up, even the tiniest noise, and the waves would flap, and all alone with that tiny oar he was swamped. And each and ever time he would throw the oar overboard.

Over and over again I felt I rowed out and threw him a rope of rescue. Same with my kids. But he couldn't see it. The storms of his life kept him from seeing that rope as help. To him it must have felt like hands pulling him down to drown.

That's the grief for me, far deeper than the hurt, far more than the anger. He's drowning and I can't save him. And even as he drowns he is kicking and screaming and denying it the entire way. He's blaming me.

[FannyB]

You've got to remember they suffer from cognitive distortion, so you have to look at the facts rather than place too much store on anything they've actually said about past lovers. 

I know that my ex absolutely had to feel that a partner was potentially 'the one' - otherwise idealization and those wonderful heady feelings that go with it couldn't follow. I see those feelings as a temporary antidote to the crappy BPD feelings - which is why they chase it so hard IMO.

Consequently, anyone who lasted more than 6 weeks must have heard the 'L' word from her - albeit her somewhat distorted version of it. I'm sure they regret losing certain partners more than others, but ultimately we were all bit part actors/actresses in their stage show and ultimately all eminently replaceable. 


Fanny

[5tarla]

You've got to remember they suffer from cognitive distortion, so you have to look at the facts rather than place too much store on anything they've actually said about past lovers. 

I know that my ex absolutely had to feel that a partner was potentially 'the one' - otherwise idealization and those wonderful heady feelings that go with it couldn't follow. I see those feelings as a temporary antidote to the crappy BPD feelings - which is why they chase it so hard IMO.

Consequently, anyone who lasted more than 6 weeks must have heard the 'L' word from her - albeit her somewhat distorted version of it. I'm sure they regret losing certain partners more than others, but ultimately we were all bit part actors/actresses in their stage show and ultimately all eminently replaceable. 


Fanny

I literally heard it not even a week into our relationship, and of course she maintains she really was in love with me . Who knows what goes through their head? It's just safe to say that yes, they do love everyone they get with due to idealization.

[AwakenedOne]

It may be interesting to consider why it matters to us if we were special at one point to them. For me, I guess it could matter because I wasted a ton of time and put effort into the marriage. I'm trying to see this from some others perspective though. I just think this woman who I loved in return injured me, stole, trashed my name, didn't honor wedding vows and didn't even look back. Was I special to her? Of course they cared about us though at one point and many still do but are too deeply ashamed to contact or even face anything including themselves. I think it is most helpful to just void it all out after you take some self learning and real world learning and disordered learning tidbit moments away from the experience. They are falling in love with an idea or dream. When we are called "the white knight on the horse" etc... etc... .are we really on a horse when they say that or is it a bit of Disney gibbirish?

I think the speed of things is the biggest red flag to avoid in the future. Look at how they fall in love with us so fast. I think my uBPDxw in her way already loved me after 3 hrs of even knowing me. Can someone love after 3 hours? So does that fast speed mean that I  was more special? She would of married me after a few days, a couple weeks at the max. It's more about them than who we are or were to them in many ways. Thats why people here say to you "don't take what they did to you as personal" right?

Self love reminds us now that we are truly special people. Stay special my friends. Just substitute the word "special" instead of "thirsty" whenever you hear the guy in those Dos Equis tv commercials say his standard catch phrase to you.

[vortex of confusion]

The most painful parts of the break-up for me were the ones where she seemed to be in so much pain because she thought she really had given the relationship everything she could, had really tried her best. I gave in many times, because I believed - and still believe - that she was sincere in the moment. Sadly she just can't seem to build on that sincerity over time and learn to better control her anger and manipulation and infidelity. It wouldn't hurt nearly so much if she were just a cruel, uncaring person.

This really rings true for me as well. He has made such a fuss about seeing the kids and how he wants to regain my trust and a bunch of other stuff. The problem is that he is so self-centered that he can't see that his behavior is completely inappropriate. After I kicked him out, he stayed with his mom for almost a month. When he came back, I let him see the kids and invited him to a family Easter celebration at my parent's house. He had the nerve to show me a picture of a female "friend" and didn't understand why it would bother me that he is showing me a picture of some lady that he is texting. Yes, I am done with him. However, having him show me a selfie of some chick that he is texting is like a kick in the gut reminder that I am not even worthy of basic friggin' respect. I am seeing someone else. I have a boyfriend. I make it a point not to mention my boyfriend around him. I would never ever think it was OK to show him pictures of my boyfriend or talk about my boyfriend to him at all. I have other friends for that. I try really hard to keep anything about my boyfriend quiet because it seems really disrespectful and rude to rub an exes nose in the fact that you have somebody new.

He even puts his kids off when given the chance. Last weekend, he was going to help us with some stuff around the house. He said he couldn't come over on Saturday because he had plans with some chick. He doesn't get to see the kids very often yet he was willing to blow them off if that chick had been available. It turns out that she wasn't available and he offered to come over and help at the last minute. He can't even seem to think of his own kids as special and worthy of being a priority.

He will go on and on about how hard he has tried yet I don't see it at all. He is supposedly a sex addict and gets advice from the guys in his group. I asked him if the guys in his group thought it was okay to tell his soon to be ex wife about his escapades. He wouldn't address it at all. I know I am not special to him and I know that I have probably never been very special to him because of his actions and his ability to repeatedly choose video games, other women, his mother, or anything else over me. A person or thing is only special if that person or thing fits their agenda. If you do not fit their agenda, then you are not special. I think that is why there were moments when I felt special. Those moments rarely lasted because they would be gone as soon as he got what he wanted.

I tried to have a discussion with him about it one time (stupid, I know) and all he could do was turn it around on me and tell me that I don't make him feel special and that I don't do anything for him. I took that as an opportunity to spell out all of the things that I did to go out of my way for him to try to make him feel special. I had 18 years worth of stuff to enumerate and all he could say was, "But you are nice to everyone!" I so badly wanted to say, "How big of a jerk do I have to be to other people to make you feel special?"

[WoundedBibi]

I so badly wanted to say, "How big of a jerk do I have to be to other people to make you feel special?"

What stopped you?

[rfriesen]

I think of it as someone in a little rowboat on a calm lake. They only have one dinky oar. While the lake is calm, and they only have the birds to listen to, they can make a little progress. Paddle here. Paddle there. A tiny bit at a time. They look to the shore, and see all these happy people there. They'd like to be there too.

But soon the winds kick up, and the waves come, and they are swamped, and they panic. They throw the oar overboard, kick at the boat, and scream at the storm.

That's how my ex was. When the lake was perfectly calm he could want to change things, even though he couldn't admit to have fault. (Hence the one oar, as opposed to two, because I think all accountability means having a sense of self and a sense of other). He wanted to get to the shore. He did! He could see the shore and all the happy people there, cavorting and together, with love for each other. But the wind would pick up, even the tiniest noise, and the waves would flap, and all alone with that tiny oar he was swamped. And each and ever time he would throw the oar overboard.

Over and over again I felt I rowed out and threw him a rope of rescue. Same with my kids. But he couldn't see it. The storms of his life kept him from seeing that rope as help. To him it must have felt like hands pulling him down to drown.

That's the grief for me, far deeper than the hurt, far more than the anger. He's drowning and I can't save him. And even as he drowns he is kicking and screaming and denying it the entire way. He's blaming me.

Yes, HurtinNW, that captures my ex perfectly too. The first few times I tried to end things with her, it tore my heart out. I've never seen someone in such desperation and fear, just as though she could see that whole happy world on the shore, but was being washed out to sea. I was completely caught off guard - I thought, of course, that she would be hurt by my decision to end things. But at times in the weeks prior she had been so sarcastic and mean that I thought she would have some inkling that we were in trouble as a couple. When I relented and said we can talk some more, she held onto me for hours after, just repeating "I can't believe I almost lost you. I can't believe it." So I thought she would make a real effort to change ... .but it didn't take long for the rage and the insults and the manipulation to rain down again.

I feel the same as you -- the grief is much deeper for me than the hurt or the anger. I would genuinely rather see her happy and calm in life, with someone else, than to continue destroying herself emotionally and not understanding why she can't find a peaceful, happy place in the world.

[semantics]

"Then I noticed that he literally mentioned her in every conversation we'd have."

This was my BPD partner about his ex-wife. For six years. Partly because of co-parenting, mostly because she divorced him to marry another guy. Probably also for the sheer kicks of triangulation. And also because she fully endorsed it with her own actions. Cheated on him with guy who became second husband, cheated on second husband with the guy she divorced for him. 

Now my BPD partner has moved a new love into his house, the one I was supposed to share with him, not four months after clear final ending of us. And he doesn't contact me at all except to bait. I recognize the bait tactics as the same I saw him use with the ex-wife for years. But I also recognize that he doesn't try it with me at the same level or frequency or depth. Sometimes I think it means he had a more normal reasonable and deeper love with me and is just respecting me. Then I just realize the vast difference in the weight of the relationships: we weren't married, didn't live together 24/7 for years, and do not have a child together. And I didn't leave him for someone else or better, and I'm not remarried and living in a sweet house down the hill from him with my new 24/7 replacement. Then I just get furious, because all his effort at her is to prove something he apparently doesn't need to prove with me.

Do they love in every relationship; I sort of hope not. Because I'm the one between the first wife and the person who now shares his life. It makes me feel crazy to be so underattended in this aftermath, having suffered his continued relationship with the ex wife for six years. And I want that your BPD partner loved YOU, and that anyone before or since you was just scraps and "because it was there".

I don't want to think they love in every relationship. I've been at love for three decades and truthfully, *I* haven't. Some of the partners were just placeholders. I thought they were just placeholders for *him*. Now in light of his recent news I realize I must still be in queue for my right partner.

You are special. Don't believe anything else: your love and heart were and are worth loving back, truly.

[vortex of confusion]

I so badly wanted to say, "How big of a jerk do I have to be to other people to make you feel special?"

What stopped you?

It wouldn't have made an ounce of difference. He has this uncanny ability to take pretty anything I say and make it about him. I don't recall if I thought of that in the moment or if it was something I thought of later.

There would be times that he would say stuff that left me feeling like a deer in the headlights because it contradicted what he had said at some point before. If I brought up what he had said prior, he would deny that he said it or would say something along the lines of "that's not what I meant".

[Confused108]

My feelings are Yes! They fall in love with every Tom , Dick , Jane, and Linda that give them a tumble. At least that's what I feel mine did.  Whoever gives them what they want they fall for. My ex was sleeping with ppl she did t even know and then having relationships with them after. And we all know they don't last. So now u can say that I don't believe now my ex ever loved me at all. It's just a word to them with no meaning behind it.

[Confused108]

There would be times that he would say stuff that left me feeling like a deer in the headlights because it contradicted what he had said at some point before. If I brought up what he had said prior, he would deny that he said it or would say something along the lines of "that's not what I meant". [/quote]
YES! My ex did this all the time! She even told me one night that there was a guy across the hall from her who "seemed" interested in her. He seems nice she told me. I saw him looking at me yesterday. This was when I didn't take her come on right away. Then after I got sucked back into her BS I asked her about this guy across the hall from her again. Her reply was oh no he doesn't live in my building. He lived in the building I lived in with my ex husband. Unreal the lies they tell!

[GoingBack2OC]

I think for me I was loved. But it just became somehow too routine. She needed a rush, there was no "want" to settle down and get cozy.

I do think, at least from my experience, they do hate, and I mean the word "hate" on the outset of their relationships. My ex right now, will not even speak to me, she said the most hurtful things, and that was it. Never a kind goodbye. Just hate. After 5 years.

So... .

About 6 months into my relationship with my exGFuBPD, we were on vacation. She told me that (details not important); that the reason she needed to see her exBF from 3 years before, who she had not seen since then, was because:

"She wanted to extract revenge".

I looked at her, and was just like... ."What?"

Ive personally had a lot of girlfriends. My first girlfriend ever, lost my virginity to, she cheated on me, but in the end, as hurt as I was... .I never felt the need or desire to "extract revenge".

There were a lot of small red flags with my ex before that. But that was the first time I really thought to myself... .wow you think dark thoughts.

[MapleBob]

There would be times that he would say stuff that left me feeling like a deer in the headlights because it contradicted what he had said at some point before. If I brought up what he had said prior, he would deny that he said it or would say something along the lines of "that's not what I meant".

YES! My ex did this all the time! She even told me one night that there was a guy across the hall from her who "seemed" interested in her. He seems nice she told me. I saw him looking at me yesterday. This was when I didn't take her come on right away. Then after I got sucked back into her BS I asked her about this guy across the hall from her again. Her reply was oh no he doesn't live in my building. He lived in the building I lived in with my ex husband. Unreal the lies they tell!

It's weird alright. And they're not even lies per se (I think the word "lie" implies genuine and conscious devious intent) - they're more like fabrications. Like "I'll take a little bit of this story that actually happened, and add a little bit of this story that happened to a friend of mine ... .and then I'll have a reasonable excuse for why I did unreasonable things! And then everything will go back to normal and I can avoid any accountability, which is better for everyone, right?"

But god forbid you should ever do the same to them. They've got, like, laser x-ray vision for anyone trying to "manage" them.

[Confused108]

Oh no Bob mine out and out lied! And her lies were over the top as well. For example my ex is from my early teen years. I knew some of her family. She told me last June while she was trying to rope me back into our relationship that her brother and his friend had Molseted her when she was young. Also her ex boyfriend had raped her inside her apartment in 2014. Both she was very friendly with on FB. Once I got back with her she blocked both these ppl off her page. After she dumped me last Sept guess what she added both these ppl her brother and ex on her FB page and had wonderful convos with them. And I had also found out thru a mutual friend it was all LIES! So mine was a pathological liar. All I will say is it's crazy!

[JerryRG]

Hello Confused

My ex said her neighbor raped her, put things in her drinks and that he wired her apartment to spy on her. After I dumped her she added him on fb and laughed at his posts.

Yep, not sure what was lies and what wasn't but she ran right back to a guy who "hurt her"

WOW How sick was I to believe one thing that poor pathetic girl ever said. Loving me? Nope, no love or respect just a cold dead hate filled child who couldn't wait to ridicule everything I did.

[Confused108]

Hello Confused

My ex said her neighbor raped her, put things in her drinks and that he wired her apartment to spy on her. After I dumped her she added him on fb and laughed at his posts.

Yep, not sure what was lies and what wasn't but she ran right back to a guy who "hurt her"

WOW How sick was I to believe one thing that poor pathetic girl ever said. Loving me? Nope, no love or respect just a cold dead hate filled child who couldn't wait to ridicule everything I did.

YUP! You said it! My ex was my 1 st love as teens. We were broken up by my mom and my ex became what she is today ... .A total monster! She absolutely hated me and did everything in her power to hurt me. When I tried to get her back she said she loved me then days later she didn't want me. Push/ pull hated filled etc. fast forward Feb 2013 . Found me on FB. Chased me until I was stupid enough to believe she actually loved me and wanted me back last June 2015. Then is was push pull within a week . Lies , projection, testing, more lies etc! Then early Sept out of the clear blue claimed that for 2 months she found it hard to communicate with me? Another lie! Yup I am so done with her. I just can't believe I fell for her BS again! Lesson learned.

[Fr4nz]

My feelings are Yes! They fall in love with every Tom , Dick , Jane, and Linda that give them a tumble. At least that's what I feel mine did.  Whoever gives them what they want they fall for. My ex was sleeping with ppl she did t even know and then having relationships with them after. And we all know they don't last. So now u can say that I don't believe now my ex ever loved me at all. It's just a word to them with no meaning behind it.

This is also what I experienced with my ex HPD/BPD.

Basically, BPDs strive for finding unconditional love - in the case of BPD females, they look for a fatherly figure - so, when they find someone (by chance - which is the most common case I think - or because they targeted that person... .) who gives them enough attentions and the impression that they really "understand" how the BPD feels inside... .the game is done, and the BPD attaches to them, with all the idealization we experienced.

Indeed, my ex told me that she didn't care about the physical aspect of her partners; hence, in my case the first part of Confused's thesis is proved.

As for their ability to love... .they can love, however their "love" is heavily affected by the disorder. I also guess that some partners were more "special" than others... .perhaps those having some cluster B traits.

[SoMadSoSad]

So I'm guessing no one is special in the BPD world except family

[steelwork]

So I'm guessing no one is special in the BPD world except family

I think I disagree. Of course some lovers/ex-lovers mean more than others--even over the long haul. That's just human nature. You need to separate that from the volatile emotions of a given moment. 

[MapleBob]

So I'm guessing no one is special in the BPD world except family

I think I disagree. Of course some lovers/ex-lovers mean more than others--even over the long haul. That's just human nature. You need to separate that from the volatile emotions of a given moment. 

Yeah, I agree with steelwork here. My ex said that I was family - even after the breakup - and I do credit her attempt to follow through on that for ten months after we were no longer together. She just couldn't hang in there - I was too much of a trigger for her at that point, through very little fault of my own. I'd almost state the opposite: the more "special" you were the worse they'll treat you after the honeymoon phase. It's the corresponding low to the initial high of idealization.

[WoundedBibi]

So I'm guessing no one is special in the BPD world except family

I think I disagree. Of course some lovers/ex-lovers mean more than others--even over the long haul. That's just human nature. You need to separate that from the volatile emotions of a given moment. 

Yeah, I agree with steelwork here. My ex said that I was family - even after the breakup - and I do credit her attempt to follow through on that for ten months after we were no longer together. She just couldn't hang in there - I was too much of a trigger for her at that point, through very little fault of my own. I'd almost state the opposite:

the more "special" you were the worse they'll treat you after the honeymoon phase. It's the corresponding low to the initial high of idealization.

Which means I was über special 

[MapleBob]

So I'm guessing no one is special in the BPD world except family

I think I disagree. Of course some lovers/ex-lovers mean more than others--even over the long haul. That's just human nature. You need to separate that from the volatile emotions of a given moment. 

Yeah, I agree with steelwork here. My ex said that I was family - even after the breakup - and I do credit her attempt to follow through on that for ten months after we were no longer together. She just couldn't hang in there - I was too much of a trigger for her at that point, through very little fault of my own. I'd almost state the opposite:

the more "special" you were the worse they'll treat you after the honeymoon phase. It's the corresponding low to the initial high of idealization.

Which means I was über special 

When actually the truth is that we're all just flawed people with really great qualities and really problematic qualities (all of us!) - and when you find someone who can accept all of that and still like you, that's a keeper. Our exes were apparently not "keepers".