Dating life after BPD relationship...what to expect

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone. I'm about 3 months out after being dumped by my BPD boyfriend of 1.5 years. Not only am I still crushed, but I actually feel worse and lonelier by the day. Any desire to date has completely dried up. I long being in a serious relationship but the thought of the initial stages of dating frightens, exhausts and repulses me.  I have this awful feeling that I will never allow myself to love again and I will never find anyone I am as compatible with.  I am 26 years old and heartbroken  and fear I am too damaged to ever end up in a healthy relationship that might lead to a marriage or family. I have this awful sinking feeling I've never had before that its just not in the cards for me and I lost the love of my life.

Has anyone had success with getting past this fear? Is there a ttimeline I can expect? And is what I am feeling normal at this point?

I can't even imagine a future where he does not exist and I am feeling extremely depressed and almost self destructive.

[whispy90]

Hi everyone. I'm about 3 months out after being dumped by my BPD boyfriend of 1.5 years. Not only am I still crushed, but I actually feel worse and lonelier by the day. Any desire to date has completely dried up. I long being in a serious relationship but the thought of the initial stages of dating frightens, exhausts and repulses me.  I have this awful feeling that I will never allow myself to love again and I will never find anyone I am as compatible with.  I am 26 years old and heartbroken  and fear I am too damaged to ever end up in a healthy relationship that might lead to a marriage or family. I have this awful sinking feeling I've never had before that its just not in the cards for me and I lost the love of my life.

Has anyone had success with getting past this fear? Is there a ttimeline I can expect? And is what I am feeling normal at this point?

I can't even imagine a future where he does not exist and I am feeling extremely depressed and almost self destructive.

[Dhand77]

Ah, I know the feeling. I'm 38 years old. After the first month I forced myself out on a date for all the wrong reasons. I was so furious at being replaced so easily by my exBPDgf, I put myself out there waaaaaay too soon.

Your 26, next month, it will be easier. Don't worry about dating right now. Worry about you. Do things you always wanted to do. Maybe exercise. Buy a new wardrobe. Get a different haircut. Find a new hobby. Remember that single girl? Ya know, the one that completely wooed that guy? Find that girl again. Focus on you first. There is plenty of time for dating later.

I'm 3 months out from my break up, and I'm still not ready yet. But I will be, I'd just rather focus on me first. Heal first. Do go out there broken and jaded about love, you'll just end up hurting someone the way you hurt. My ex continues to sleep around to try to get over me. I don't need to sleep around and neither do you. You're stronger than that. You're stronger than your ex.

Do you, doll. Love yourself before you try to love again. You can do it. I believe in you.

[AndrewS]

I'm 53 and 6 months out and still feel fear at the idea of dating and yet would love some company. It does seem to be slowly fading but I just keep trying to do things that make me happy. Lots of the other feelings are still around although less intense, like betrayal, wondering what she is doing, how she is, missing the good times, but it really has reduced so I guess it will keep going away gradually. Just be patient with yourself. Learn all that you can about yourself so that next time you don't get trapped by a BPD :-)

[Stripey77]

Whispy, I feel exactly as you do. Or at least, I have been feeling that way. I can't see myself with anyone else, I don't want anyone else, and even now, I can single him out in a crowded room and everyone else fades into the background for me, despite the fact he is totally ignoring me and behaving as if I don't even exist. Quite aside from the emotional and incredible intellectual connection the two of us had, a rare combination, the mutual physical attraction led to the proverbial instant fireworks. One kiss from him literally made me weak at the knees... .I am 38 years old, I have been around the block, I've been in love before. Nothing like this. He is the love of my life, and it happened almost straight away.

That said. Life must go on. Life MUST go on. We have to find a way out of this. It is what it is. We are where we are. We cannot change facts, or the situation we are in. These people are sick, and as others have posted here on these boards, they are not capable of holding down a relationship. They are going to be eternally lonely. Don't torture yourself thinking that someone else is going to reap the benefits that you lost out on, they won't. Someone else will get the short term love and adoration, until they go down the same route as you.  When all of this happened to me, before I even knew BPD existed, it was becoming clear that something was very, very wrong. One of my good friends said this to me:

"You are going to go on to love, and be loved. He is going to do this over, and over and over again".

My ex broke two women's hearts, (admittedly in probably very different relationships), in our one very small town last year alone. I'm sure they don't want to, but it's as though they compulsively destroy every relationship they have, and without treatment, it will be a never ending cycle. They will never find what they are looking for, because perfection, especially when there is  a new test every day to prove that perfection, simply doesn't exist. You need to remember that it's not just you who 'failed' with your ex. Every single romantic interest will follow the same path. 

So the problem is them, not us. We WILL heal. WE have real love to give. We feel the hurt because our love was the real deal, without tests attached. We invested our feelings honestly, and put our hearts on the line. But the amazing thing about the human condition is that broken hearts do mend. Broken brains, not so much. Our hearts may be scarred, but they do heal. We find new and different ways to love. There is no limit to how much love we can give. Yes, we may never find the same highs again as we reached in these relationships, but hopefully we will also never again have to be put through the devastating lows. There is no one without the other with BPD.

You deserve, should be working towards, and holding out for, a relationship that is stable, reciprocal, and isn't thrown away at the drop of a hat because you said or did something 'wrong'.  We all deserve that.  That should be your mantra. I DESERVE MORE. Not the same, but different. People get over bereavements, and go on to love again, after losing their childhood sweethearts!  No one ever claims to have replaced or forgotten the partner they lost, but life must must go on. I have so very much love to give, so much to share, so much to show someone. I am sure you do as well. We just unwittingly gave all of that to someone who wasn't capable of handling it. And never will be, with anyone. I have been horrifically lonely these last months, but I am turning the corner. I miss my friend, I miss the incredible sex, I miss the good morning texts and daily conversation. I miss our weekend trips around the island. I miss him with all of my heart. I still love him... .the sane side of him. I don't miss the accusations, controlling behaviour, moodiness, the a-hole he became when drunk. I deserve more.  I am holding out for someone who wants all of that and doesn't want to emotionally abuse me in return for my love. We can't separate out the good/bad sides of them, they are a package, and as such they're no good for us. Please, please try to remember this.  There is someone out there who is good for us, but the longer we hold on to idea that they were the only one for us, the longer we hold ourselves back. You MUST remind yourself that you deserve more.


We have one life and we can't buy back days. This is it, right here and now. Yes we need to grieve. We need to heal. We need to reconcile ourselves with what we've been through. But I have way too much to offer someone, the right man, to go to waste. I'm a good looking, healthy, intelligent and hardworking lady at my absolute peak. Am I going to let someone with an emotional disorder destroy all of my future happiness? No. Are you? No! We don't need to rush into anything else, it's ok to wait until something worthwhile comes along, but please bear in mind, our happiness is not with these people. Neither is anyone else's, but that's not our problem. What is very much our concern is carving out a happy future for ourselves, and that starts with remembering that there IS better out there. We deserve much, much more.  And it is out there... .everything will come, in time.

[Herodias]

I am 51 and not interested in dating on the least. Too many bad relationships in my past. All went from bad to worse! I was so mixed up when I was in my marriage that I thought he was the best one, turns out he was the worst! The last one was a drug addict. I am happy for the most part alone. I hear people complain about their spouses and think, why are you in it? I worry I will always be alone, but I try to wash away that fear because I don;t want it to confuse me into another bad one. I wish I could meet someone who went through what I did sometimes... .It is something no one can understand. A client of mine married someone who is out of a marriage with a woman with BPD and a daughter that has it. It will be interesting how that goes. She is having some trouble with his reactions to his daughter. The ex-wife of course thinks she is a whore, because she is hyper-religious. She is one pwBPD that did not sleep around apparently. Anyway... .no interest in taking care of someone, fixing them, being abused, being controlled and being cheated on. I have had enough sex in my life to now miss it at the moment. I miss hugs, but go to my parents every weekend where I can get my fix. 2 more months until I am divorced... .I will consider it then. I am in a safety net now... .don;t even have to think about it. Funny how he had to get into a relationship immediately and I am not interested. Big difference isn't it?

[whispy90]

Thank you for the replies. I really hope time will help but I'm still worried about my ability to heal. My relationship also had the physical, intellectual and emotional fireworks. I haven't looked at a man the same way since.  However, my confidence has been degraded from being cheated on, lied to, abandoned and painted black.

For people that have had success dating, how long were you single before? Are you and your ex NC?

[Dhand77]

Thank you for the replies. I really hope time will help but I'm still worried about my ability to heal. My relationship also had the physical, intellectual and emotional fireworks. I haven't looked at a man the same way since.  However, my confidence has been degraded from being cheated on, lied to, abandoned and painted black.

For people that have had success dating, how long were you single before? Are you and your ex NC?

It's ok to feel that way. Lord knows I have tons of times the past few months. My confidence was obliterated. Being with my BPDexgf used to make me feel 10 feet tall. For a few months, I felt hollow, broken and alone. As time goes by, it only gets better. You regain your sense of self. Remember, you used to love being single, and you will again. We all will again. These people we met are broken. We are not. We'll heal, they never will. One day you'll meet a great guy, that will love and appreciate you the way you deserve, and you look back and not even believe you felt this way. I know one day I will, and I know you will too, even if it doesn't feel that way now.

[MapleBob]

The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones. 

[Herodias]

"The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones."

I guess that means avoid the exciting ones, ... .sad but true. I know what you mean. I don't want any more drama though- not that kind! ... .Make your own excitement.

[WoundedBibi]

The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones. 

Haven't been dating yet (obviously) and won't be for a long time but I had this  earlier this week: these incredible highs are only possible because of the incredible lows. If I don't want those incredible lows in a relationship I can't have the incredible highs either. That idea kind of sucks but it does tie in with the notion that adult love feels different than the drug high from BPD love.

[Sandman1881]

I waited 8 months before recycling with a former ex. Needless to say that did not work out either.

At that time I was staying in a by-the-week motel and in my car a few nights when I had to. I managed to get my old job back and got a place of my own. It wasn't much,  but it was mine. Feeling better about working at the time and managing my own bills (no one but the landlord to throw me out), I dove back into the sea. Few dates, nothing special. Then came the next wave. That lasted 10 months. I'm 7 days out with no contact. The final act was her throwing the directv remote into my face with full force. The act was totally and completely unprovoked. My nose bled everywhere. Our relationship became abusive within weeks. When we meet she was as sweet as pie and as cute as a button. Then came the raging. Yelling, screaming, police, orders of protection, and more. Back in August, I had her arrested for beating me with a stick. I paid 1000 to my lawyer and got her off without trouble. I was being thrown out 2x each week. It ended with me taking 2000 of money saved, calling the police, and escaping in my pj's. I was allowed back the next day to collect what I could manage in my car. That was last Saturday. She texted me on Monday and asked me if I was willing to go to counseling. I did not reply and my phone has been quiet ever since.

The point in my story is this... .they are very sick. And so are we. We ALL will continue to attract each other until the lesser of the two evils decides to abandon their obsession for attention and abuse. It's a two way street and we all are responsible for the choices we make.

I just managed to secure an apartment and will move in on Friday with very little in the way of material possessions to say the least.

I didn't learn the first 6 times. The situations such as these will continue to escalate with each BPD/NPD-Codependent union. We are addicted to these encounters, just as a junkie needs a fix. The chemistry is potent, toxic, and can prove deadly. Read my posts from 2014 and see for yourself.

Acceptance is the first key.

What I have learned is this... .in this lifetime there is only one true love and that is love for yourself. Everything else is but a dream. Or living nightmare. You decide.

I'm taking years off. YEARS! Years for myself to heal and build the life I want.

I saw the flags but did it anyway. Powerful stuff.

P.S. I got out before I could be replaced. I'm sure she is both hungry and desperate for quality supply. Leaving before you are abandoned is the only way to ensure you get the edge. But you can't turn back ever. Or they will manipulate you into an early grave.

I love you all. Be safe and be good to you.

[MapleBob]

The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones. 

Haven't been dating yet (obviously) and won't be for a long time but I had this  earlier this week: these incredible highs are only possible because of the incredible lows. If I don't want those incredible lows in a relationship I can't have the incredible highs either. That idea kind of sucks but it does tie in with the notion that adult love feels different than the drug high from BPD love.

Sad, but true. I had one session with my old therapist after this last breakup because it was messing with my head, and that's the one thing she most emphasized to me: love isn't supposed to be like that. You're really not supposed to feed on each other that intensely.

[WoundedBibi]

The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones. 

Haven't been dating yet (obviously) and won't be for a long time but I had this  earlier this week: these incredible highs are only possible because of the incredible lows. If I don't want those incredible lows in a relationship I can't have the incredible highs either. That idea kind of sucks but it does tie in with the notion that adult love feels different than the drug high from BPD love.

Sad, but true. I had one session with my old therapist after this last breakup because it was messing with my head, and that's the one thing she most emphasized to me: love isn't supposed to be like that. You're really not supposed to feed on each other that intensely.

One thing I keep telling myself to try and keep myself grounded (doesn't always work): intense doesn't equal intimate.

Other than that I suffer from mother hunger and hence am slightly BPDish. I tried so hard not to be in this relationship, I didn't ask, I didn't beg, I only had wet eyes in front of him once and we weren't together then anymore, I tried to tone down texting or emailing, I did everything I could not to be clingy. I even went so far to let him hit on another woman in front of me without going nuts. I'm an idiot.

We should prohibit all the mushy love songs, dramatic Hollywood films, sweep you of your feet novels and all of those things; it all gives the impression love should be exactly what we experienced, all encompassing, all consuming, dramatic. It seems all so romantic when you leave the movie theater in tears but in real life Anna Karenina (or any other character from a novel or film etc) is a dead woman under a train leaving behind a lot of devastated lives. In real life it hurts beyond belief this romance crap.

[whispy90]

I realize that I am also a sick individual for obsessing over my ex.  I read into everything he says or does.  I rehash the relationship again and again.  I refuse to make realistic life goals because part of me is still bonded to him and I have a sick fantasy that it will somehow work out (why would I even want it to?).

Does anyone here have successful stories of how they re-entered the dating pool and did not end up with another BPD person?  I am waiting 6 months at least before I start dating.  I am at a really influential time in my life and I feel like I want to meet someone to build a life with/family with.  I hope I am able to do so.

[semantics]

whispy90, at 26 you really are so young yet and have a lot of years ahead of you to meet and marry a fitting spouse. In some ways I think you are very lucky to have had this particular relationship early on. It showed you precisely what you do NOT deserve in a marriage partner. And I know it hurts like hell and you may be tempted to think you might be able to live with this turbulent type of relationship, but, *don't*. Don't think for a second that you could or should live a life and make a family with a person who so badly mistreats you. You deserve to be loved steadily and fruitfully and in true partnership.

I actually did get somewhat involved with someone shortly after the (final) BPD breakup. The post-breakup guy was older, more experienced than me or the BPD ex, and of really strong character. I kept at a distance emotionally because of the breakup and still loving my BPD partner, but also because I needed to keep my footing on solid ground and see all the ways this other man was different.

It was funny, almost. The two men looked so alike in stature and physique and commanding presence, and even facially resembled each other, could have been twins or brothers. And both are leaders, one in corporate upper management, the other owning his own profitable business for 20 years. So at first I thought the similarities were what made the second guy attractive. But it wasn't that at all: it was that he was an ex-cop, a father of daughters, and authentically of Christian heart. The second man was simple and deep. The BPD ex, complicated and comparatively superficial or shallow, or just too caught up in the mechanisms of his own mind. The second man liked people and genuinely engaged with them. The BPD ex was a misanthrope who said openly and often that he generally disliked all people and upon meeting anyone, quickly evaluated them in terms of how they could be useful to him.

That's just weird. I sort of understood but I also maybe stayed on with the BPD guy a little too long just because I had never truly seen or known a person like that before. I needed to understand what that looked like in action, for some reason. What I didn't understand, in staying on, is that a person who uses people does most of the grooming clandestinely, where a partner is not likely to see it starting, or how it begins.

I did watch the post-breakup guy for all of this. And both men were highly sexual. I noticed where I felt led and where I felt beckoned to, and where it felt the same or different from the BPD guy.

The second guy never once lost his temper with me. He never once called me anything negative; never criticized. And though his own profession is full of attractive women, he never once triangulated. The bottom line was that he was solid, mature, grounded, and kind. And his character didn't vary or waver much around different people. He was steady; his personality personable and reliable.

It didn't mean he was predictable; he surprised me a lot in his humor and growling sweetness. I felt very protected and safe with him. He notably proved himself to me in ways the BPD ex never had. And I finally saw what it looks like when a good man loves me.

It looks normal.

It looks devoted but still completely masculine.

It looks funny, sweet, reliable, and kind.

It doesn't throw temper tantrums, issue demands, make threats, or put anyone else ahead of you. It doesn't disrespect, and if it hurts your feelings, it apologizes and makes a point of understanding what hurts you and NOT DOING those things.

It is deeper and wider and richer than BPD "love". Maybe think of it as vast plains of wheat. It looks boring compared to the fireworks of PD intensity, but it is more natural, calm, and steadily nourishing than gunpowder and sparks set off for no reason at all.

I distanced from the second guy about two months in but we remained friends. I don't have room to deal with any relationship at this time; still a ways to go before I'm truly ready to offer myself again. But it was good to see and understand that somewhere out there, there was a guy just as appealing as my BPD partner, and who was capable of true steady heart the way the BPD partner had never been.

[arjay]

What many omit when coming out of these types of relationships is getting some form of professional help to sort out the damage done as a result of the relationship, and equally important, sorting out one's own issues that often times were part of the catalyst for the relationship forming in the first place.

It was through my own work after she divorced and left, that I came to understand not only the BPD behavior and how I was left feeling, but the recognition that I had my own insecurities that were contributory to the unhealthy relationship.  "What were you thinking" was the lightening-bolt question that was asked of me during one of my post-marriage counselling sessions, during which time I realized I needed to work on me, before rushing into any relationship going forward.

I came to understand that the best thing each of us can do to not only heal, but to come away healthier and emotionally stronger, is to spend the time to work on ourselves first.  The damage done during these unhealthy relationships, can easily be carried forward.  We often have our own "emotional holes", that pre-date these relationships.  It is those areas that are often so horribly exploited.

Take time to work on yourself; be kind to yourself; learn from the experience and realize it "is" a process coming out the other side.  Life does however get better if we take the time to being responsible for ourselves and for our own emotional healing and growth.

Peace

[Fr4nz]

The main thing I've been experiencing through dating again is that no one is as exciting as the crazy ones. 

Ahah, SO true (and sad... .). Anyway, nowadays I prefer BIG TIME emotionally stable girls... .

[whispy90]

I am defintely making steps to move on.  I am going to weekly therapy.  I moved apartments, and got a new phone (can no longer look at text messages/pictures).  I am pursuing hobbies.  I am spending time with friends.  The only problem is, life feels so empty and dull even when I am surrounded by people.  He made me feel 'alive'.  I know I need to learn to feel this way on my own instead of waiting for somebody else to do it for me.

I also have a lot of anxiety and inadequecy/abandoment issues from childhood.  I was not perfect and this definitely wore our relationship down as well.  I have trouble holding these emotions back when I get comfortable around a partner and it usually drives them away.  I realize I need to work on this or I won't be a good partner for anyone, either.

I still have engaged in emails back and forth with him, which only serves to make me feel worse as he never asks about me and only tells me asinine details of his life.  He actually emailed me last night talking about how he got really drunk and was offered cocaine last night and turned it down.  Like I should be proud of him?  He has no filter on the information he indulges me.  I know I just need to cut him off but it's really hard for me to stop talking to someone who was once so important to me- even when it sucks away all of my life force.