Highly Sensitive People (HSP) -- Do you identify as one?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have spent some time in the last year, mostly because of my terminated relationship, reading about Highly Sensitive People (HSP).  That's the lay term for the scientific concept of SPS -- sensory processing sensitivity.  I believe that I am one of these people.  HSPs tend to be more emotionally and physically sensitive to stimuli around them.  Things like touch, noise, emotional input, conflict, etc. affect us more than they affect others.  They say this is a trait, not a disorder, that affects about 20% of the population.  The authoritative book on the topic is by Elaine N. Aron, from which I got the information above.

For me personally, I pretty much live in total silence when I can.  I work with children all day, and I leave work very overstimulated.  I'm usually too overstimulated by lunchtime to socialize with my colleagues, and people think I am angry and aloof.  I like other people, but sometimes I just reach a point of being drained.  I find that other people's moods and emotions can swing mine around very easily, and I sometimes defensively block them out and seem cold and aloof.  I really struggle with the idea of having children.  I like the idealism of raising another person and trying to give them a good life.  But the physical and emotional stimulation that comes with being responsible for a child sounds like my worst nightmare.  I am indecisive on the topic because I can't reconcile the two.  Incidentally, I also dislike dogs because they overwhelm me.  Little things like cleaning out the cat box, hearing loud TVs or more than one TV on in a space, or the pain that comes with athletic exertion also make me feel overstimulated or sick and people just think I'm a wimp.

Are there any others HSPs here?  I find that the traits that are part of this package make me more vulnerable in certain ways, and I'm wondering how this affects relationships.

[HurtinNW]

I'm emotionally very sensitive, but not HSP. However, two of my kids have sensory processing, and have been sensory defensive. In the past they've had the symptoms you describe. Sensitivity to noise, fabrics, smells, sounds, you name it. My daughter was so sensory defensive she couldn't stand to walk barefoot on the grass. For years I had to cut all the tags off all her clothing. To this day she and her brother can tell if I change the brand of soy sauce we buy. They can even taste the difference in milk brands.

Just as a side note, I took them to occupational therapy which helped a lot. I did the Willbarger sensory brushing method on them several times a day for over a year, and that alone REALLY reduced their sensitivity. I'm just passing that along in case you want to try it on yourself. I've even used the sensory brush to help me. It's super regulating and soothing.

I would imagine that this would definitely impact your relationships! Especially if you are in relationship with people who are not sympathetic or willing to help modulate your environment. I used to get really annoyed when teachers wouldn't listen to me about my kids, as if we were making it all up. Grrrr!

I'm wondering if you could find ways to communicate around this, if you haven't done so? I taught my kids to give little shorthand explanations of their challenges. My oldest has fetal alcohol, and what she likes to explain to others goes like this: "I have learning disabilities, so sometimes I need more time." That protects her privacy but also helps people around her know she does need help. Would it be possible for you to help others at your work and community by telling them about your HSP? Or would that be uncomfortable for you?

Here's a big hug. Those sort of sensitivities as so challenging to live with! 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I would imagine that this would definitely impact your relationships! Especially if you are in relationship with people who are not sympathetic or willing to help modulate your environment. I used to get really annoyed when teachers wouldn't listen to me about my kids, as if we were making it all up. Grrrr!

I am very open about it, yes, and the fact that I have some PTSD-like symptoms from tough times in my past.  Unfortunately, my ex with the BPD traits was not particularly sympathetic and, IMO, walked all over my sensitivities like wiping his feet on a doormat, acting like I should just magically change to solve the problem.  Being highly sensitive requires me to have boundaries that other people just don't have.  Not respecting those boundaries is a recipe for disaster in a relationship.  Physical relationships are particularly difficult for me.  I like physical affection a lot, but I need it in small doses to start, so that I can adjust to it.  After a physically intense evening with someone, I really do need them to leave at first, so that I can regroup and feel like my body and my space are my own again.  I need to be able to say no if I am feeling overstimulated.  Even holding hands is highly stimulating to me.

I am particularly conflicted about kids.  I just got asked out by a guy who seems really great.  But he has two really little kids, young enough to need help bathing and using the bathroom, etc.  As much as I like the guy so far, I just can't say that raising those kids feels like it's in my league.  It's even one thing to adjust to those things with someone who is my own flesh and blood, but someone'e else's kids with their temperament, where I have little control over parenting decisions that influence their behavior . . . sigh.  It also means the added burden of having the Baby Mama and her opinions and emotions in my life -- even more stimulation.  I do not know if that is right for me.  Add that to the fact that the guy doesn't want a house with a yard because he hates yardwork, and it's a recipe for having very needy little people who aren't mine in my space a lot.  Shame, because like I said, he seems like a nice guy.  That, and it would save me the overstimulation of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, etc. -- all things that also scare me because I wonder if I would ever regain my balance.

I posted similar thoughts on this forum once and received a PM explaining that ALL women want babies, and that I will want one eventually, too, when I grow up and come around.  If you are thinking about sending me something like that, please save yourself the trouble.

At my age (early 30s), it seems like I either run into guys with a whole brood or who dislike children altogether.  I am not sure which is worse.

[HurtinNW]

I would imagine that this would definitely impact your relationships! Especially if you are in relationship with people who are not sympathetic or willing to help modulate your environment. I used to get really annoyed when teachers wouldn't listen to me about my kids, as if we were making it all up. Grrrr!

I am very open about it, yes, and the fact that I have some PTSD-like symptoms from tough times in my past.  Unfortunately, my ex with the BPD traits was not particularly sympathetic and, IMO, walked all over my sensitivities like wiping his feet on a doormat, acting like I should just magically change to solve the problem.  Being highly sensitive requires me to have boundaries that other people just don't have.  Not respecting those boundaries is a recipe for disaster in a relationship.  Physical relationships are particularly difficult for me.  I like physical affection a lot, but I need it in small doses to start, so that I can adjust to it.  After a physically intense evening with someone, I really do need them to leave at first, so that I can regroup and feel like my body and my space are my own again.  I need to be able to say no if I am feeling overstimulated.  Even holding hands is highly stimulating to me.

I am particularly conflicted about kids.  I just got asked out by a guy who seems really great.  But he has two really little kids, young enough to need help bathing and using the bathroom, etc.  As much as I like the guy so far, I just can't say that raising those kids feels like it's in my league.  It's even one thing to adjust to those things with someone who is my own flesh and blood, but someone'e else's kids with their temperament, where I have little control over parenting decisions that influence their behavior . . . sigh.  It also means the added burden of having the Baby Mama and her opinions and emotions in my life -- even more stimulation.  I do not know if that is right for me.  Add that to the fact that the guy doesn't want a house with a yard because he hates yardwork, and it's a recipe for having very needy little people who aren't mine in my space a lot.  Shame, because like I said, he seems like a nice guy.  That, and it would save me the overstimulation of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, etc. -- all things that also scare me because I wonder if I would ever regain my balance.

I posted similar thoughts on this forum once and received a PM explaining that ALL women want babies, and that I will want one eventually, too, when I grow up and come around.  If you are thinking about sending me something like that, please save yourself the trouble.

At my age (early 30s), it seems like I either run into guys with a whole brood or who dislike children altogether.  I am not sure which is worse.

Do you think you could eventually handle the level of stimulation children would offer, if you could build up to it, or do you think this is a situation you are never going to be able to adjust to? There's no right or wrong about it.

I never had the faintest interest in pregnancy. Honestly, it seemed more like the Alien movie to me than anything. So I adopted from foster care, which suited my values as well. I have plenty of women friends who have never wanted kids. I think you should be free to decide what is best for you. It's not just what we want, but what we are capable of, too. I happen to love, love parenting older kids. I do well with some special needs and not others. I'll take a 16 year-old over a baby any day. It's perfectly okay to not know what you want, either.

I think the important thing is to find a quality of life that suits you. What do you think that would look like? If you could imagine your most ideal world ten years from now what would that world look like?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I would imagine that this would definitely impact your relationships! Especially if you are in relationship with people who are not sympathetic or willing to help modulate your environment. I used to get really annoyed when teachers wouldn't listen to me about my kids, as if we were making it all up. Grrrr!

I am very open about it, yes, and the fact that I have some PTSD-like symptoms from tough times in my past.  Unfortunately, my ex with the BPD traits was not particularly sympathetic and, IMO, walked all over my sensitivities like wiping his feet on a doormat, acting like I should just magically change to solve the problem.  Being highly sensitive requires me to have boundaries that other people just don't have.  Not respecting those boundaries is a recipe for disaster in a relationship.  Physical relationships are particularly difficult for me.  I like physical affection a lot, but I need it in small doses to start, so that I can adjust to it.  After a physically intense evening with someone, I really do need them to leave at first, so that I can regroup and feel like my body and my space are my own again.  I need to be able to say no if I am feeling overstimulated.  Even holding hands is highly stimulating to me.

I am particularly conflicted about kids.  I just got asked out by a guy who seems really great.  But he has two really little kids, young enough to need help bathing and using the bathroom, etc.  As much as I like the guy so far, I just can't say that raising those kids feels like it's in my league.  It's even one thing to adjust to those things with someone who is my own flesh and blood, but someone'e else's kids with their temperament, where I have little control over parenting decisions that influence their behavior . . . sigh.  It also means the added burden of having the Baby Mama and her opinions and emotions in my life -- even more stimulation.  I do not know if that is right for me.  Add that to the fact that the guy doesn't want a house with a yard because he hates yardwork, and it's a recipe for having very needy little people who aren't mine in my space a lot.  Shame, because like I said, he seems like a nice guy.  That, and it would save me the overstimulation of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, etc. -- all things that also scare me because I wonder if I would ever regain my balance.

I posted similar thoughts on this forum once and received a PM explaining that ALL women want babies, and that I will want one eventually, too, when I grow up and come around.  If you are thinking about sending me something like that, please save yourself the trouble.

At my age (early 30s), it seems like I either run into guys with a whole brood or who dislike children altogether.  I am not sure which is worse.

Do you think you could eventually handle the level of stimulation children would offer, if you could build up to it, or do you think this is a situation you are never going to be able to adjust to? There's no right or wrong about it.

I never had the faintest interest in pregnancy. Honestly, it seemed more like the Alien movie to me than anything. So I adopted from foster care, which suited my values as well. I have plenty of women friends who have never wanted kids. I think you should be free to decide what is best for you. It's not just what we want, but what we are capable of, too. I happen to love, love parenting older kids. I do well with some special needs and not others. I'll take a 16 year-old over a baby any day. It's perfectly okay to not know what you want, either.

I think the important thing is to find a quality of life that suits you. What do you think that would look like? If you could imagine your most ideal world ten years from now what would that world look like?

I think my ability to deal with kids would be fairly contextual.  I would need a very stable partner who was able to offer me relief by allowing me private time, or by allowing me to be a stay-at-home mom and have less variables in my life to be concerned with.  I think my comfort zone would be fairly limited to having one child.  Even that, though, some days, seems like it might overload me.  It is a scary topic for me because once you conceive a child, it's a lifelong commitment, and you can't decide later that you have taken on too much.  It is also a way for many strangers to enter your life -- teachers, neighbors, daycare providers, doctors, dentists, piano teachers, gymnastics coaches, you name it -- all of whom have opinions and expectations and require more and more interactions.  I wonder sometimes if I'd be better off having my own child and working up to this gradually.  With someone else's child, I wouldn't have much say in what activities they were involved in or how often, and I would basically be strapped in the roller coaster.  Not sure if that's a good idea.

I haven't come across many men who would be willing to take on the burden of having a wife staying at home with kids with no income, especially because I work in a field that offers excellent family insurance benefits.  I have considered adopting an older child, when you have the opportunity to get to know them and find someone whose temperament is a good match for yours.  I wouldn't rule that out.  Taking on someone else's baby or toddler, though, is an intimidating prospect.  About 50% of my mother's family is adopted, so there's a lot of precedent there, but I have known of situations where adoptions go horribly wrong.

The one guy I'm interested in right now and have been seeing on and off for a while isn't a big fan of kids.  I am not sure if he is totally against having one or not.  I am not technically dating him so I haven't found it necessary to get a formal opinion from him on the subject.  I am also not sure if my life really feels that incomplete without children, either.  I am afraid of being alone in the world someday, but I am not sure if having children is a good answer to this, or a good reason to create another person.  I just feel deeply conflicted on the whole issue.

But then again, I feel conflicted about finding a partner who is sensitive vs. one who is not.  I spent 12 years in a relationship with another HSP and it became nightmarish.  He became almost agoraphobic at one point and my world shrank to the size of his apartment.  He had trouble functioning at his job and in peer relationships because of his sensitivity, and it made communication within the relationship very difficult.  On the other hand, being with someone who is not as sensitive means less empathy and having to grow a thicker skin myself, but it also means that I might be better able to make my needs known without them being seen as a personal affront to the other person.

I am talented in the areas of art and writing, and I credit a lot of this to my high sensitivity, but when it comes to taking on responsibilities and relationships in the real world, it certainly adds an extra element of challenge.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm usually too overstimulated by lunchtime to socialize with my colleagues, and people think I am angry and aloof.  I like other people, but sometimes I just reach a point of being drained.  I find that other people's moods and emotions can swing mine around very easily, and I sometimes defensively block them out and seem cold and aloof.

I'm not a HSP, but I'm wondering about this aspect of being drained by contact with other people. I see a couple other possibilities:

1. Being around them requires effort to keep up your boundaries, and that is exhausting.

This is especially true with difficult people, and I'm guessing that some of the children you work with are difficult and push your boundaries. As your skills at enforcing your boundaries get better, as you get practiced at it, you will probably find that the effort of doing that, or letting them have their own moods and emotions, without sucking them up like a sponge will go down a bit.

Kinda like working out, building your strength, and improving your technique. You become capable of doing more than you were before, and less tired by doing something that was exhausting before. It still takes energy 'tho.

2. Perhaps you are introverted, and need solitary time to recharge yourself.

I've only come to understand this well over the last couple years, as I am extroverted [I'm also a bit shy, so it took me decades to realize I was extroverted], and I've got a very close friend who is introverted, and got to know her much better. My working definition here is that an introverted person is somebody who finds that being with people has an energy cost which has to be paid, and an extroverted person is somebody who gets energized by being with people.

So my introverted friend does like people, and wants to talk and connect. She is happy to pay the energy cost, knowing that she is getting something worthwhile for it, but she does have to manage her energy level.

Our friendship got a good bit deeper when I was dealing with my breakup, and spent a LOT of the time on the phone getting support from her. She knew that I really needed it, and she pushed herself to be more available to me than was easy for her during those months. Other times we've talked a lot when she was going through things herself, and needed the support more than she needed the solitude. Yet other times she's had an excess of time with other people and a shortage of solitary time, and we've been in contact less.

We're both very aware how this works by now... .and have built a lot of trust around it--I'm pretty clear when I'm reaching out whether I need to ask her to dig into her reserves--She will do that for me, but I won't ask it unless I need it. I'm more aware, and may check in to see if she's feeling depleted that way. (I often see signs of it.)

And the first issue still applies--over time we've built a lot of trust, and I'm the least "expensive" person in her life for an introvert to spend time with, if that makes sense. (Or at least in the top three).

Do you see either of these in yourself?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm usually too overstimulated by lunchtime to socialize with my colleagues, and people think I am angry and aloof.  I like other people, but sometimes I just reach a point of being drained.  I find that other people's moods and emotions can swing mine around very easily, and I sometimes defensively block them out and seem cold and aloof.

I'm not a HSP, but I'm wondering about this aspect of being drained by contact with other people. I see a couple other possibilities:

1. Being around them requires effort to keep up your boundaries, and that is exhausting.

This is especially true with difficult people, and I'm guessing that some of the children you work with are difficult and push your boundaries. As your skills at enforcing your boundaries get better, as you get practiced at it, you will probably find that the effort of doing that, or letting them have their own moods and emotions, without sucking them up like a sponge will go down a bit.

Kinda like working out, building your strength, and improving your technique. You become capable of doing more than you were before, and less tired by doing something that was exhausting before. It still takes energy 'tho.

I've been doing my job for ten years and I still often feel this way.  I wonder how much practice it would take to not feel drained.  Most of my colleagues feel energized.  I think your point about the boundaries is true, but in the context of being a(n) HSP, boundaries are more challenging.  In light of having a more sensitive nervous system to begin with, and having been that way my entire life, I can say that it is so much easier to have people cross your boundaries because the "doors" to your brain and heart are wide open all the time.  The line between my feelings and other people's feelings is always blurry, because being sensitive makes emotions almost contagious.  At the beginning of my career, I transitioned to working with younger children because the older ones were so jaded and I would "catch" their apathy and frustration.  At least with younger people I find that I can turn the tides a little bit more in my favor.  I find that in emotionally charged situations, I shut down or shut people out because it is so distressing to feel other people's pain or needs.  That's why I worry about myself as a parent.  Rather than rushing to comfort a child, my overwhelmed nervous system kicks into full on fight or flight mode.  I do fine in situations where there is a reasonable and obvious response, but aside from that, it's hard.  Things like babies crying endlessly for no particular reason really test my coping abilities.  When the child's distress overwhelms me, I have a hard time continuing to inject myself into the situation.

My mom had a serious medical emergency a few years back.  Because I was overstimulated, my emotions pretty much went numb, and I was the only one in the situation who was able to call and ambulance and take care of medication interactions successfully.  But I shattered into pieces immediately after, when all the emotions came flooding through.  My mom was so disappointed that I didn't hug or comfort her at all.  But I really could only handle one string of input at a time, and at the moment, that was going through the motions to make sure her life was saved.  Fortunately for her, I did that very, very well.

[Grey Kitty]

I've done a lot of mindfulness meditation over the years, and that is my path forward in this area. Your mileage may vary; I don't know anything special about whether mindfulness is helpful or difficult for an HSP.

One way of describing that meditation practice is working on your personal capacity to sit with and experience your own powerful feelings (especially unpleasant ones) without needing to take action to make them go away or getting lost in them.

This same capacity allows you to experience empathy for somebody else who is hurting, and stay in compassion caring for them, instead of getting caught up in their hurt and overwhelmed.

Numbness is one way of defending yourself/protecting yourself from feelings you cannot really handle, or cannot handle any more of them, having hit and exceeded your capacity.

[eeks]

Hi GEM,

I used to identify with being HSP, but now I'm not sure.  I scored high enough on the self-test the few times I took it, but it seems to me there could be overlap between HSP and trauma/PTSD, introversion, giftedness, anxiety disorders.

I took a movement class recently that I would say had a "somatic mindfulness" component, including two body parts "having a conversation" with one another.  Also experimenting with ways to move with others, either following them or going the opposite way.  And when I left the class and got on the subway I felt this haze of frustration, resentment, despair.  (it did not feel like my emotions, but those of the others on the train)  So it made me wonder if I do in fact have some sensitivities that I had to shut down for my own protection at some point in my life.

I forget which book about trauma I read this in, but there was a description of people who suffered trauma/neglect early in life (infancy) feeling as though they are "walking around without skin".  I don't relate to that, but maybe others here do.

If you asked me how sensitivity affects relationships, I would imagine awareness of others' emotions could be very positive if you can find a way to be aware of others' feelings without taking them on.  It might also lead to some challenges e.g. the desire to be close to your partner, but then getting overstimulated and wanting to withdraw, if the partner takes it personally there might be conflict, etc.

[Herodias]

Yes, I would say definitely yes... I have always been told I am highly sensitive. My chiropractor said this as well. I will have to check out this book. I take in what people tell me and it can wear me out as you said with children. I never wanted children, so I don't see anything wrong with that. There are plenty of people who don't. I certainly would not want other peoples unless they are older- at least 14 and up... .I am 51 now, so hopefully I will find someone who has grown children and that will not be a problem. You have a right to have whatever you want in life... .no more settling and putting up with. Look for the best for you!

[GreenEyedMonster]

I can remember struggling with this as far back as childhood, wanting to seek solitude and quiet in emotionally charged situations.  I think it is innate, but it has probably also predisposed me to PTSD or PTSD-like symptoms.  Not surprisingly, I suspect that people who are more sensitive to begin with are more prone to getting PTSD or anxiety disorders.  I was treated for PTSD once after I experienced a cancer scare in college.  When I was a kid, being punished was absolutely terrible.  My parents knew my temperament and could literally discipline me with a glance.  However, in school, I found that some teachers' idea of "fairness" was to punish me very forcefully because that is what they would do to another student who was less sensitive.  I ended up sensing that my life was virtually out of control, as I would find myself facing a huge emotional impact for what was in reality a tiny mistake.  Things like missing the fact that a homework assignment had a back side or walking around with another kid who had caused a disturbance at recess could result in highly traumatizing punishments.  I learned that the only way to avoid emotional trauma was to be perfect.  I think this is the root of my OCD.  It also reinforces the hypersensitivity.  Perfection was a survival strategy.

In relationships, I'm very sensitive to any hint of abandonment or engulfment and I can overreact.  I am self-aware enough that I can communicate with my partner about this and explain what my triggers are, but if the partner then proceeds to emotionally overload me, I will hit my limit.  When I am completely overstimulated, I will respond by getting really tearful and seeking solitude.  As a child, even sleepover parties would overstimulate me, and by the time morning rolled around, I would be on the brink of tears and desperately needing to go home to recuperate.  Recently, my best friend left a terrible relationship and needed a place to stay.  I live in a big house all by myself, but I wasn't sure I could invite her to live with me because having another person in my space to that degree would be quite emotionally challenging for me. 

My exBPD was a nightmare for me.  People on the detaching board often talk about how that person seemed to be the love of their life.  Mine was not.  He provided me with such a high degree of emotional input that I found him to be a very overwhelming person, and I simply could not process all the content he hurled at me in a way that made me an easy person to deal with.  One day he wanted kids, and I'd process that.  Then the next day he'd not want kids, and I'd process that.  Then I had to process all of his extremely strong opinions that he constantly voiced on everything, and his reactions to me if I disagreed.  I had to process his hatred of other people and his reasons for that hatred.  I had to process his demands for physical affection and sexual activities, and his ignorance of me in that regard.  I had to process the strange variations in his behavior and what they all meant.  I tried asking him to not lob opinions at me like grenades, but he said that was asking too much of him.  He told me that if I disagreed with him I should just argue back.  Clearly he had no idea that I find conflict to be very painful.  If he declared something I liked to be "stupid," he expected me to charge into battle.  I ended up cowed in the corner like a little mouse, with nowhere to go.

By the end of the relationship I had lost 10 lbs and I was suffering from terrible migraines and anxiety.  And crying a lot.  My nerves were shot.

It is not that there is no one on earth I can live with.  My ex-fiance and I coexisted very well, mostly because he provided me with very minimal emotional input to process.  I generally find that romantic relationships that are slow, steady, consistent and with a partner who is self-assured and not volatile work best for me.  Unfortunately, this guy I just met seems this way, but his very little children probably are not, and his ex-wife sounds like a real piece of work.  Raising another person's kids is a recipe for having judgment hurled at me from every corner, because I am not the arbiter of whether or not I'm doing a good job.  It brings a whole laundry list of strangers into my life, not the least of which is his ex-wife.  I would have very little control over how the kids were raised, too.  I had just started getting more involved with another guy I had been seeing, one who seemed volatile at first but who seems to have a gift for handling me with care.  Maybe I should give him a fair shot first and see what happens.  Frankly, I wouldn't mind getting back with my ex-fiance, but he seems to be dealing with his own similar issues right now.

I know that I just can't have kids if I'm going to emotionally shut down when overloaded.  I can't sit there and stare like an idiot when the kid is going through trauma.  I can't barricade myself in my room and hide in the dark under the pillow when a baby is crying and won't stop.  I am scared of what I would become like in those situations.  Reason and judgment should prevail, and usually do, but if I get maxed out every day I really do worry about my mental health.  I only ever really considered having ONE child, and if I go with this guy who already has two and then have one of my own, I'm signing up for THREE.  Oh, and his ex-wife didn't even get joint custody right after the divorce, so one wonders about her involvement and competence.  Sounds like too much.  Shame, because I like the guy and he will be hard to avoid.

[Grey Kitty]

Labels like HSP can help, especially if they come with an understanding of how things work, and what you can do to work on it.

What is more important is how you are behaving, and how you are feeling, and the changes you can make in either.

This is clearly an old, important issue for you. I suspect that being sensitive and empathic is just who you are, GEM, and that's not at all likely to change. I think if it did it would be a loss, not a gain for you.

Seems to me that getting flooded as so easily is the part you want to work on.

It sounds like much in your childhood didn't help, and clearly your exBPD triggered this and made things worse.

I'm rather concerned about how you describe this guy you just met--It sounds like he "appears" to be stable and unlikely to trigger you on the surface as you are getting to know him... .and I'm concerned about the source.

Some people are simply calm, stable, and grounded. That would be good for you.

Some people have a reservoir of seething anger, hurt, or shame that they keep locked down inside, and appear very calm. Until you get to know them at a deeper level, especially getting into a relationship with them.

This may sound harsh, but I'm concerned that you are "programmed" to attract and be attracted to this kind of person today. When you have something like this unresolved, it is natural, almost unavoidable to pick somebody who may appear (at the surface) to be exactly what you want, and will allow you to avoid addressing it... .and then once you are in, you will discover that it actually is going to force you to confront this same issue, in a way that is impossible to avoid.

BTW, I'm not suggesting that you are in any way unique or special in this way--I think all people do this kind of thing in relationships, until they start healing their own core wounds. The unique part is how your particular issues determine the flavor... .and what the "matching" flavor of person who will trigger them is... .and what "matching" issues in you will trigger his core wounds.

I'm giving a very short explanation here. The book "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch goes into this in a lot more detail. He speaks of it in the context of how a marriage brings these issues out, and is a vehicle where each member of the couple has the opportunity to grow and heal.

Anyhow, back to you today... .has this new guy in your life given you any signs that there is anything hiding underneath his apparent calm?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Some people are simply calm, stable, and grounded. That would be good for you.

Some people have a reservoir of seething anger, hurt, or shame that they keep locked down inside, and appear very calm. Until you get to know them at a deeper level, especially getting into a relationship with them.

This may sound harsh, but I'm concerned that you are "programmed" to attract and be attracted to this kind of person today. When you have something like this unresolved, it is natural, almost unavoidable to pick somebody who may appear (at the surface) to be exactly what you want, and will allow you to avoid addressing it... .and then once you are in, you will discover that it actually is going to force you to confront this same issue, in a way that is impossible to avoid.

I know exactly what you mean.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what is beneath this guy's apparent calm.  He definitely has some FOO issues, but he has an overall great relationship with his mom and sisters, at least from all outward appearances.  He is certainly not the needy pile of patheticness that my exBPD was.  He seems willing to openly talk about his faults and accommodate me.  While I've been getting to know him, he's also been dating other people, and doesn't seem at all insecure in his pursuit of me.  There is no constant texting or driving me crazy on FB messenger, just an occasional song or article posted to my timeline.  I can't say that he has really refrained from expressing negative emotions in my presence, just that he has been unusually patient with me and VERY considerate of my boundaries.  One hopes it's because he just really likes me.  He has let me take the lead in defining the relationship.

He was in two long-term relationships before he met me, one of which was very troubled, but the last one wasn't, he said.  Both were terminated by the other person.  He said that the last woman he dated was on the autism spectrum and grew bored because they didn't share enough similar interests -- not an implausible scenario.  They are still friends, though he said he has reached a point where he doesn't really miss her.

It's a tough call because you can't just run from every person who *might* have some underlying issue that you don't see.  With this guy, I don't see that seething anger that I did with my ex.  (With my exBPD, his inner rage was not far below the surface, would often come out in conversation as little jabs or nasty remarks, and was behind his love of very loud music.)  If anything, I suspect he's just another sensitive person who doesn't like to get hurt, so he projects this calm and patience inwardly and outwardly as a way to accept his emotions.  I suspect that he cares about things and probably hurts a little bit more than he admits, perhaps having learned to compromise his own boundaries somewhere along the line.  I know that leads to resentment eventually, but who knows, maybe he would open up.  All I can say right now about him is that he seems to try to stay a little detached from situations to avoid feeling pain.  But whatever it is, it doesn't seem nearly as pathological as the last two guys I've dated, that's for sure.  (Of course I worry that this makes him the MOST pathological, haha.)  In the end, he might just be another person like me, who feels strong emotions and tries to avoid getting attached to things and ideas he can't have.

I almost think that the relationship feels strange to me because he *doesn't* have that inner well of hurt and anger, and I find myself looking for it!

Another guy asked me out, too, who was dumped horribly by his wife of 10 years and has two kids. My initial impression of him was that he was very calm and self-assured, but I can't imagine that he has no psychological damage from the way his marriage ended.  He seemed a little too self-assured and a little too anxious to get me in his net for my tastes.  It seemed like he was gratifying some long-neglected personal need.  Which, since his wife ended up being a lesbian, probably isn't far off either.

Sigh, all these people and their issues.   

[Suspicious1]

I'm most definitely an introvert, and do score highly on the HSP test. I've had children, and in retrospect I ought to have found someone to help me with them to enable me to have time apart. No one finds it easy, but when I look back I remember feeling exhausted from the constant demands, and now they're older I get overwhelmed by too many demands on my attention. My son is a constant question asker and can't bear not the be the centre of attention, which means that any time I try to have a conversation with my daughter he talks over us with questions. Having my attention split like that makes me really short tempered. I can't bear juggling the different conversations and thought processes. I also can't bear more than one form of media on at a time - it's as if I need to focus on one thing at a time, or I get very stressed. My son started school in September, and I honestly feel like I'm still recovering from the past five years of constant noise and demands. Sometimes I come home and just sit in silence for hours.

I am extremely sensitive to other people's moods. I wish I wasn't, but especially with partners, the set of their shoulders or the tension in their jaw can just set my anxiety off. I have PTSD from an abusive marriage - if I can become anxious just when I see someone is disapproving from their body language, imagine that with the added aggression of a verbal or physical assault. Towards the end of my marriage I had a breakdown, and had to wait for recovery before I could find the strength to leave.

In my current relationship, my partner is very understanding but himself suffers from mood-swings which affect me badly. He can feel put-upon if the house isn't perfect and he has to contribute to the housework, and I pick that feeling up immediately and feel anxious and guilty. He never says anything, but I can just tell from the way he behaves, and every cupboard door he slams is like a gunshot. I try not to care, but it just doesn't work.

Oddly, my BPD ex was very hard for me to read. If he was cross with me he'd keep it amazingly well hidden, then just explode at intervals and I'd have had no idea he'd been upset. That made things double confusing - it had never happened before and has never happened since, yet he accused me of having no empathy.

[Rubies]

I'm an HSP and at least one of my DDs too.   HSPs are often Empaths, but not necessarily.  Some find the Off switch.  Many of my friends in life are HSPs, and I think my best long term relationships were with HSP men.  Incredible sensitive psychic connections, deep trust, meeting each other's needs, but never actually spending more than 10 days at a time under the same roof.  Lots and lots of space... .    I have 2 HSP friends whose long term relationship is successful because they built two homes on their property, they can see each other's roof tops from their porches.  They've been together 40 years.   

17 year BPD marriage almost killed me as the raging, controlling began right out the gate and I was denied the ability to meet my own needs and those of my children.  I ended up with organ failure and strokes, I am now healthy.  Through post-divorce recovery I've befriended other women like us.  We appear as food to predatory personalities so we have to take extra care with boundaries and not get sucked in.  It's weird how we can know the invisible and totally miss the obvious.     We need friends to help us watch our blind spots and these kinds of friends are rare.

Dating as HSP I find most men do not suit me.  I don't watch TV or listen to radio, I live way out in the country and have no desire to change this.   Most men can't hold my interest through a conversation.   I don't feel compelled to expend energy exhausting myself with people unsuitable to my needs and lifestyle.  I don't need to date or have a man just to have one.  I can love deeply but not need constant togetherness.   I do not bring men to my home, I never have, unless it is a long term committed relationship built over time.    Since BPD divorce almost 6 years ago, the only men in my home with DD21 and I are family.   A few close male friends have been in my yard.   I've had dates get mad on the 3rd date because I wasn't inviting them home with me.   

Many men find me unsuitable because I am not available for unending stream of sexy texting or calls throughout the day.  I don't carry a cell phone, checking and returning messages first thing walking in the door is not a priority.   I truly am not happy to find my phone blown up and my DD upset by the answering machine, especially when I said, ":)on't call until 7 pm."

I'm a lot older than you, GEM, you're the same age as eldest DD who chooses not to have kids.  I am supportive of her choice.  Motherhood is not for everyone and we all need to know our limitations.   Kids and dogs walk all over her, so men have to get that stuff worked out if they want to get serious.  DD takes a hands-off approach to kids and baby-mamas.

I met a man who seemed quite promising, but on our first date his adult DD showed up and dumped 3 little kids on us, ages 18 mo. - 6 yrs, dirty, barefoot and hungry; with their activity schedule.  The date was cancelled with the expectation I was instant Grandma.   Uhmm... .No.    I explained since our date was cancelled I was going home.  How rude of me.   I will be Grandma when my kids have kids or when my young mama friends ask me to be grandma. 

Funny thing is when I'm out in public I am outgoing, talking to everybody without prejudice.  People tell me everything.  I owned a food and beverage establishment at 23 years old and I'm high energy.  I can work large crowds and keep the fun rolling with adults the same as kids.   But the Inner Sanctum is private, this is where we recharge.   Friends know this.