semantics
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27
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« on: April 17, 2016, 10:00:47 PM » |
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Hi, first post, kind of shell shocked still so won't go into a lot of detail (still, wall of text). Six years constant contact LDR with frequent weekends and all holidays physically together. Separated geographically by the terms of co-parenting agreements with first spouses. Broke up 3 years in because he wanted to pursue a pretty local colleague. That failed in less than six months and I kind of never got over it. But we resumed and spent Christmas together as a family for the first time.
In year 4 he went for Masters in psychology and graduated ironically with degree, license to practice, and self identification as definitely BPD. (This didn't faze me as my ex-spouse had tried to stick me with same label during custody dispute; I did DBT to satisfy evaluator and came out just fine. I don't like Linehan personally but I got plenty out of the therapy track.) Conversely, I got formally diagnosed with asymptomatic HSV2, and the variant of HPV that is highest risk for cervical cancer.
Things got seriously weirder after year 4, he had a succession of HR discussions with him about fraternizing with female subordinates. He griped about them all the time or elevated them to levels I could not stand. Then in year 5, he told me he was sexually involved with one of his male colleagues. Instantly said he was joking, afterward, but... .tried twice to have that guy and his wife over to the house overnight, during two of my weekend visits.
The first time, the guy had been sick during the week and they jointly decided it wasn't a weekend to party.
We're 40-something professionals, and both of us are parents. We don't party.
The second time, the guy and his wife came over to a holiday house party and met me for the first time. She was so familiar with him that I removed myself to elsewhere in the house. Then at nearly midnight, threw them out. Then went home and started EMDR therapy with a CSAT.
That was two years ago. Year 6 was gripping and weird and by summer I couldn't deal with it one more minute. He had said something alluding to child porn and there was enough in national and local news about it that I just flipped out and totally distanced. He kept asking for me to fly out, almost every weekend, and I couldn't. Then in late summer he had weight loss surgery and the next day told me he was screwing his pretty new boss, who had just moved there from the city I live in.
I went NC. There were breaks here and there as he continued to email and once sent roses to my doorstep. But it was so combative and I couldn't deal with it; fighting with him was never what I wanted to do.
This is year 7. It's been full of cervical cancer business and I tried to call him in late January, but he didn't pick up or respond. Then I received the letter notifying me that I had to have cervical surgery, and not two days later, he emailed that he missed us. Wanted to know if I did too; if I missed him at all.
Of course I did. And for whatever reason, I didn't respond. He texted once but it was nothing, totally uninvested, a crumb. Then he resorted to resuscitating one of my emails from months ago, in which I had told him how poorly he treated me.
I answered that one and he seemed confused. It turned out it was "a mistake"; he'd meant to contact someone on his team who had my same first name. This made me livid and I let him have it. Then I tried to phone and again he didn't pick up or call back. I asked him the next day why he wasn't answering my call. And he said it was a mistake. He wishes me the best in life. He is living with someone now.
That was Palm Sunday, just ahead of Holy Week. My Easter this year was a total nightmare.
This relationship was so bound up in marital plan and family time. Even at its worst it still had positive function. I am having trouble with how weird and ugly it got and that he installed a new person in his house not four months after he was still hassling after me.
It's made me look back on the reality of everything and I sadly understand we probably really ended in 2012 when he broke up with me to chase local tail. So it's weird to be here 4 years later with my heart in my hands and feeling like none of it was even real.
I have to reiterate: this wasn't an ordinary LDR. We were in near constant contact whenever physically apart. Chat and IM and text during business hours, phone calls on lunch breaks and during commutes, and phone calls for HOURS any other time. I know I was the one to break this, months ago, but I am astounded at his need to tell me his news, and to tell me how happy he is with his new life.
I have just had the surgery on my cervix and I'm faring ok. I go up and down about him but overall I know I am better off NC, probably forever. It's just so alien to me to have loved someone this much and this long and then for it all to vanish, as if it never happened at all.
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